Takeoff

After a hectic weekend of college football, The Penguin finale, and Benny Blanco being considered the sexiest man alive, I think it’s fair to say that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but we shouldn’t criticize anybody. For example, I called out the weather for being too warm and how I’ve got chapped lips that are dryer than KD’s legs. I suppose I get what I deserve. Seriously, though… My lips look like two worms sizzled over easy. Anyway, I’m hydrated in other areas as the NBA keeps my feed full of highlights and jokes about how bad the Eastern Conference is, Fortnite announced that the OG map will be returning on December 6th, and the crypto market has 2021 me looking like less and less of a doofus (knocking on an absolute hunk of wood right now). All in all, my vibes are good. However, can your NFL team say the same? Let’s take this train to Mojo Mountain and find out.

Mojo Mountain

Yet another week has passed at this luxurious ayahuasca oasis. After one-too-many games of King’s Kupp, I was feeling overly confident going into dinner. Let’s just say, I was feeling zesty, and I Maye have let Russ cook me a turkey burger. I wasn’t a fan at first, but I warmed up to it. Suttonly, I found myself with all of the brain food I needed to cook up a fine dish of my own. Perhaps ol’ Russ knows what he’s doing because that darn old QB guided me to most savory metric in all of sports:

Can you catch this vibe doe?

A pleasure as always… Mojo Mountain

Ted Mosby Pre-Meeting Your Mother

Giants, Cowboys

It’s weird to think, but these teams make valid arguments for worst in the league. It’s amazing what a decent quarterback means to a team. I call them Ted Mosby because I see these fan bases as hopeless romantics that are desperate for someone to come in and start calling the right shots.

A Gift Card to Denny’s

Titans, Jags, Raiders, Browns

Let’s just say, if this is what I received for Christmas from Grandpa Goodell, I’d be saying “what the heck is this? Did you even try?” Then again, it could still be worse…

Jimmy De Frenne

Bears, Jets

At first, you might be thinking, “Jimmy De Frenne? That sounds like a fancy French breakfast sandwich.” Well, you’d be wrong. Jimmy De Frenne holds the world record for longest time sitting on the toilet at 119 hours. The Bears have not scored a touchdown in 23 drives and the Jets are 1-6 since they beat the Patriots in the literal summertime. I think it’s fair to say both of these teams are taking a long dump.

Triscuits

Colts, Seahawks

Just bland. Every once in a while, you find a good spread or dip to put some juice on these boys, but they’re nothing special on their own. They have good pieces, but they’re all steak no sizzle with that steak being from the recently bankrupt TGI Fridays. I’m pretty sure I’ve tasted hats with more flavor than these teams.

Screw it, Tre Ball

Dolphins, Patriots, Saints, Panthers

It’s interesting to think these teams all have just 3 wins and the fans should be pretty happy about it. While the standard for the Dolphins is much higher than the field, Tua’s return combined with a favorable schedule should have people buying their stock. On the other hand, 3 is a magic number for the Patriots, Saints, and Panthers. It’s kind of like that one kid in intramural basketball that everyone tells to shoot a three because it’ll be funny. You might be down 30, but this kid will occasionally hit the scoreboard, and we’ll all get a good laugh.

The Ridiculous 6

Bengals, Rams, Buccs

Look, all of these teams have high-profile names in their cast, but sometimes a star-studded lineup can’t save a bad movie. The Ridiculous 6 was an absolute stinker, but you’d look at that cast and think “Dang, this thing’s loaded. Heck, Vanilla Ice is in this thing.” Regardless of what the problems are for these teams, the stars can’t save it.

Ocean’s 12

49ers

Better cast, better movie, still not a good movie.

Rip the Bowl

Vikings, Packers, Falcons, Texans

At first, I wanted to say that these fans are high on their team but have probably smoked too much. However, one may think it would be better if this tier were called “R.I.P. the Bowl” because none of these teams will be playing in the Super Bowl. Either way, no matter which bowl is ripped, these fans will be paranoid come playoff time.

I’d like to formally apologize for my creative genius there.

Sike.

Garfield, a Tale of Two Kitties

Eagles, Chargers

Yeah, no I’m still cooking. Both of these fans should be full of lasagna with these teams leaving nothing out on the table. Interestingly, the Chargers have pretty much confirmed that their coach and quarterback are great. For the Eagles, they’ve proven that everything except their coach and quarterback are great. Both teams are making it work, we just have to see if they improve/sustain this dynamic. Hopefully they win their primetime games and avoid a case of the Mondays.

NFTs = Not Fun To See

Cardinals, Broncos, Commanders

Nobody expected this, but these teams are here. Kinda like crypto right now, everything is at an all-time high. In fact, your creepy uncle is probably telling you all about it. All three young quarterbacks are playing as well as we could hope for. I expect all of them to find themselves in an unexpected playoff spot with the Cardinals and Commanders potentially winning the division. While I don’t think they have any deep, long-term potential, they will be a tough draw in the postseason.

We’ll Take the Bill

Bills

We have an all-timer at quarterback and play in the AFC east… which is awful. Tom Brady won this division 17 times doing that. Check please.

Mojo Mountain Matchup Mayhem

Steelers, Ravens

I mean, how about these two? Lamar Jackson looks unstoppable, and Russell Wilson is cooking like he’s back on the Legion of Boom. Lucky for us, they’ll play each other this Sunday for some serious Mojo movement.

5-Pick Your Poison

Lions

Even when Jared Goff throws 5 interceptions, the Lions can still beat the Houston Texans. This team is legit, and they can beat you in a multitude of ways.

The McRib

Chiefs

Hear me out. Some people love it, some people hate it. All I know is that, when this puppy comes to town, there’s a buzz.

The Penguin… Popped

This series was really good.

Twitter tweet

IMDb has shown high praise for each episode of The Penguin and rightfully so. This show is wildly entertaining from start to finish. With captivating suspense and some badass dialogue, this show needs no ties to the DC universe. It is a standalone masterpiece. I've never considered myself much of superhero guy… so maybe I relate more to the villains? I don’t know. I just write a newsletter. I’m like if Peter Parker met Sean Parker to create the ultimate heroic news entrepreneur… Peen Parker. Okay, I’ll work on that. Anyway, while I loved The Penguin, it’s not quite as good as IMDb has boasted it to be. In the wise words of Bill Nye…

Please, consider the following:

The whole final episode builds on Oz’s family dynamic and how he views his “loved ones.” If you scroll through social media, you’ll see that people are irate with Oz after he exposes how he actually feels about his family. Now, in theory, I think that is a great, tangible way to make an audience turn on a character that is originally pitiful. However, this isn’t developed prior to the final two episodes. Perhaps I’m too much of a movie nerd, but you can’t convince me of the main character’s biggest flaw if it isn’t acknowledged until the end. Whenever flashbacks were showcasing how inherently evil Oz truly is, I couldn’t help but think, “Where the heck has that been?” In fact, if anything, the dynamic between Oz and his mother steers you in the opposite direction in the previous episodes. Now, before you say, “that’s what they were going for,” I agree that saving this makes the show more “dramatic.” However, I counter that by saying it also makes it less convincing.

Overall, Sofia Falcone deserves a 96 by herself, but I’ll be fair.

I’m giving The Penguin an 89 on the Heater Meter 🐧

I have nothing else to say in this. I’m tired from opening the gym. However, if any of you readers are rich and think I’m super dope, you should buy us tickets to see Ohio State play Northwestern at Wrigley Field! I’d love to go with you. 😊

See you next week! 🚢

Takeoff

Kids, it’s Turkey month. It’s still not a nice, chilly fall, but we’re getting there. With Election Day being yesterday, I think it’s only right to start with a poll of my own. I ask you: is a Pop-Tart a calzone? Whether last night’s broadcast made you happy or sad, I think we could all use a break and travel to the world’s most luxurious ayahuasca oasis. Thus, bringing me to the greatest segment in all of sports that is sure to mellow out your creepy aunt and uncle at Thanksgiving… next stop: Mojo Mountain.

Mojo Mountain

With half of the NFL season in the books, it’s clear that some of us need to recover. It’s getting to be that time where all-inclusive is looking more like a curse than a blessing. Luckily, after a few tokes of Rashid Shaweed, and some complementary Chex Nix from the bartender, we’ve got just what you need to get you back on your feet and keep the party going. A group of NFL savants (Me) sat and concocted a ranking of teams based on the most tasteful metric in all of sports:

But like, are y’all vibing doe?

I give you… Mojo Mountain

Charlie Brown on Halloween

Cowboys, Panthers, Saints, Raiders, Browns, Giants

All of these fans are starting to ghost their team because… well, they thought they were gonna be blessed with treats. Instead, they got rocks. A lot of fans could be wearing sheets over their head in the stands soon. I’m not sure if we’ll ever see these teams rise up the mountain again. However, all of these teams do have one thing in common: they’re great pumpkins.

The Salad Bar at Pizza Hut

Patriots, Jaguars, Titans, Dolphins

I mean it’s not the worst thing in the world. All of these teams have something likeable about them. Drake Maye looks pretty good. The Jags just are better than the pumpkins listed behind them. Statistically, the Titans have one of the best defenses in the league. And Tua is working his way back from concussion protocol to that dynamic Dolphins offense. While all of these teams would certainly get out-pizza’d, they are still edible to some extent.

This next one is a gif.

Colts, Bears

Both of these teams have little kids playing quarterback, but the head coaches are clearly lost for different reasons. For the Colts, everyone agrees that Shane Steichen knows what he’s doing, but his kid, Anthony Richardson, was so bad that he had to be sent to bench boarding school. On the other hand, Caleb Williams seems like a promising young talent with a coach that wasn’t ready to raise a child. Matt Eberflus clearly doesn’t have the skills necessary to turn Caleb into a “grown man.”

Patchy the Pirate

Seahawks, Buccaneers, Texans

I know what you’re thinking, “this seems awfully low to be referencing a G.O.A.T. like Patchy the Pirate.” Well, not to disrespect everyone’s favorite pirate from Encino, California, but these teams have some serious issues that they need to patch up fast. Did you know that Patchy and Potty worked at restaurant called The Poop Deck? Yep, and I think it’s fair to say these teams, while talented, are trying to cook with a lot of crap right now.

Picks, Nix, Trix are for Kids

Broncos, Packers

Both of these team’s quarterbacks got embarrassed this week, but the context for these 2 guys is quite different. For Bo Nix, it’s understandable to struggle in Baltimore in your rookie season. For Jordan Love, who was drafted when Nix was in his second year at Auburn, had a passer rating of 69.7 against his divisional foe. Both of these quarterbacks are getting fooled by their opponents Trix, but one is much more forgivable than the other.

Runts in the Hunt

Bengals, Jets

Alright, both of these teams are coming off impressive wins where their quarterbacks looked like ideal versions of themselves. While both teams are in the playoff hunt, I call them runts because neither look like a promising long-term option. For the Jets, I’d say they are more like a toy helicopter that is one dropped controller away from smashing the tv. For the Bengals, they’re more of a ferocious tiger that attacks everything in sight but then also let’s everyone go into their den and take their stuff.

Call of Duty Black Ops

Cardinals, Rams, 49ers

Sometimes it stinks, sometimes it looks like the greatest thing to be put on a screen. All I know is these guys are starting to level up their arsenal with Nuketown 24/7 in mind. If these teams are getting healthier and clicking on offense, it will be tough to beat any of them.

Happy Learned How to Putt

Chargers, Falcons, Eagles

All three of these quarterbacks just need to go to their happy place and tap it in. Herbert is pulling a Chubbs the way he’s succeeding with the hand-off (ba dum tiss). Kirk Cousins and Jalen Hurts have Happy Gilmore’s swing but really just need to put the ball where it needs to go. If these players just distribute the ball in the right places, they win.

The Shawshank Redemption

Bills, Ravens

We all expected it to be good and it’s good. But ya know what’s cooler than The Shawshank Redemption?

The Lego Movie

Commanders, Vikings, Steelers

It’s good and nobody expected it to be. Exceeding expectations is always better than meeting them. For these fans right now, everything is awesome.

The Jimmy Timmy Power Hour

Lions

I mean this thing just rocks, but we have to be adults here. We all know what the best things really look like nowadays…

The Squad Parlay Just Hit, Your Boy Threw a Tenner in the TouchTunes, you’re 5 Dollaritas Deep, and the Girls are Apparently on their Way. Oh, did Someone say Casino?

Chiefs

Things just keep getting better as they go.

What’s Happening

Here are some recent headlines from around the world.

1. The FTC officially implemented a ban on fake reviews. Hopefully, this will lead to more security when you shop online!

2. Even though you’ve only seen highlights on your phone, you can tell the NBA season is off to a wild start. Check out the latest NBA Power Rankings to see if your team is already a contender or pretender!

3. Jordan was officially deemed the first country to Eradicate Leprosy. That’s quite the achievement if I say so myself.

4. I know we all had a blast dressing our wiener dog like Chappel Roan on Halloween, but how about Tiny Backpacks on Rats? Was that on your bingo card?

5. Apparently, researchers found a way to bend light around corners! I love WeaveSilk, but this on another level.

Check This Out

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again… I’m a list guy. Here are a few lists that caught my eye recently. Some of them, I have to say, could use some work.

100 Interesting Facts: If you’re looking for some brain-rotting “huh, no kidding’s,” I’d say this is a great place for you to start.

99 Of The Best Things In The World: I’ll just say this. The people at BuzzFeed clearly don’t know about Arby’s, Waterslides, or the tube that mini M&Ms come in.

10 Reasons the Titanic Sank Besides the Iceberg. Tell me that doesn’t perk you up.

Top 10 Toilet Books. Ya know, in case you’re looking to get away from your phone as you get away from the fam.

That 9-5 isn’t cutting it? Perhaps you’d be more interested in training geckos to jet ski. Here are 10 Unique Ways People Became Ridiculously Rich.

CVN’s Top 5 Most Wanted

It’s officially Turkey month! I know you’re just as excited for Thanksgiving as I am. Let’s be honest though… We all know that Turkey is kinda mid.

Here are the top 5 Thanksgiving side dishes according to Ranker. 🦃

1. Mashed Potatoes

2. Stuffing

3. Gravy (This country needs to go on a jog if this counts)

4. Crescent Rolls (make it 2 jogs)

5. Bread (Alright, I’m buying everybody a Stairmaster)

Do you agree with what the public likes?

I hope everyone survived Election Night! Try to get your mind off of politics by reading more of the Cheap Vacation!

Or, if that doesn’t interest you, watch this infinite picture, Zoomquilt (beware that consumption of substances prior to viewing this site may result in a loss of about 45 minutes to an hour).

We’ll see you next week! 🩴

Takeoff

What better way to follow up Halloween than with a Friday? This has been a spooky week full of championship baseball, Snickers commercials, and Morgan Wallen just wanting to love somebody. With #3 Penn State hosting #4 Ohio State, Lil Uzi Vert dropping Eternal Atake 2, and the debate of whether Christmas music is appropriate now officially beginning, there is a lot to be excited about going into the weekend. Now, to showcase my excitement, I present to you a new, more concrete issue of the Cheap Vacation. Thank you to those who took the time to reach out to me and discuss my ideas from Wednesday’s descent. You all get a 99 on the heater meter 😎😎

What’s Happening

Here are some recent headlines from around the world.

Wanna contribute to hurricane restoration? Go see your favorite artists in concert! Luke Combs & James Taylor headlined a gnarly show that raised $24 million for hurricane relief.

Norway officially became the first country to have more fully electric cars than gas cars. Gas station prices are slowly becoming a thing of the past!

Thailand became the first Southeast Asian country to legalize marriage equality. Hopefully what happens in Thailand won’t stay in Thailand!

The LA Dodgers made an epic, 5-run comeback to take game 5 against the Yankees and win the world series! There’s a new Freddie living in the nightmares of New Yorkers!

Four Astronauts finally returned to Earth after an extra 8 months stuck in space. I can’t wait until this is a movie I end up rating on the heater meter.

Check This Out

I know, I know. This is supposed to be a break from school and work. Learning? Gross. Well, as Tim and Moby would say, there’s nothing wrong with learning new things and having fun at the same time. Here are 5 YouTube channels that you should check out for insightful, entertaining content.

Gordon Ramsay: While we all love this chef’s fiery personality, I bet you didn’t know he has a YouTube channel. Check out the lifestyle, cooking tutorials, and TV clips that show why Ramsay is one of the greatest culinary entertainers.

The Slow Mo Guys: How do you make things look cool? Put them in slow motion. This channel specializes in high-speed photography. From popping balloons to explosions, the visuals are insane and offer a unique perspective on the world.

Nerdwriter1: This channel features in-depth video essays that analyze various topics in art, culture, and media. The commentary and visuals make complex subjects more relatable and interesting.

Yes Theory: Focused on seeking discomfort and embracing new experiences, Yes Theory encourages viewers to step outside their comfort zones. Their adventures range from travel challenges to social experiments, promoting positivity and personal growth.

Mark Manson: #1 New York Times bestselling author, Mark Manson, provides humorous, fast-paced advice on how to live a better life in what some might call a “counterintuitive” fashion. After all, his book is called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***.

How About This?

Of course, you knew Halloween was yesterday, but did you know any of these 5 fun facts about the holiday?

1. Halloween dates back over 2,000 years to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, where people believed that the boundary between the living and the dead was blurred, and spirits could return to Earth.

2. The tradition of trick-or-treating is believed to have originated from the medieval practice of "souling," where poor people would go door-to-door on Hallowmas (November 1) to receive food in exchange for prayers for the dead.

3. The tradition of carving pumpkins comes from the Irish legend of "Stingy Jack." Originally, people carved turnips or potatoes, but when Irish immigrants came to America, they found pumpkins were easier to carve.

4. The practice of wearing costumes on Halloween was linked to the belief that disguises would protect people from being recognized by ghosts. Over time, costumes evolved into a fun way to celebrate the holiday.

5. Americans spend about $3 billion on candy each Halloween, making it one of the biggest candy-selling holidays of the year. The most popular Halloween candies often include chocolate bars, gummies, and candy corn.

CVN’s Top 5 Most Wanted

Here are the top 5 most watched scary movies of 2024.

1. Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

2. Alien: Romulus

3. A Quiet Place: Day One

4. GHOSTBUSTERS: FROZEN EMPIRE

5. LONGLEGS

Do you agree with what the public wanted to see? What did you like? What movies deserve more recognition? Click here to tell us your favorites!

Enjoy the start of Turkey month! We’ll see you Monday 🏖️

Takeoff

It’s the middle of the week, it’s still too hot outside, and the World Series I bragged about has turned into a one-sided nightmare. Nobody can take game one from me though. That was undeniably sick.

But someone does need to take me away from Bengals games. While I’m merely a Bengals fan by association, I’ve been to a few games. However, every game I’ve been to has gone against me in gnarly fashion. This past week’s titanic struggle was my first appearance at Paycor Stadium, and I provided enough fan juice for the Bungals to lose 37-17. Prior to that, my last game was in 2013 when the Bengals upset the Patriots 13-6. I got to see Tom Brady, the G.O.A.T., play one time, and it was the first time in 52 games he didn’t throw a touchdown pass. Great. Before that, my first Bengals game ever was in 2011 when Jerome Simpson did this:

And I couldn’t see it! It’s universally considered one of the greatest plays of all time and I didn’t see it despite literally being there. I’m even in the background of this photo. Somewhere, about 10 rows back from the 5-yard line, is 9-year-old me stuck behind some large fellows. They were great seats, but not ideal for A little kid trying to see something from the opposite corner.

Either way, whenever I go to a Bengals game, something stupid happens to me. Now, I run a newsletter assessing the NFL right where I like it: at my computer. Let’s run Mojo Mountain.

Mojo Mountain

Despite it being the end of October, Mojo Mountain is still plenty warm. By starting the week with some Sean Daly’s and one-too-many rips from the Puka Hookah, a group of NFL savants (me) were struggling to hold down Sunday morning’s Bosa Mimosas. However, there was enough creative juice along the way for the group to rate each NFL team on the sexiest metric known to man…

Are the vibes good?

Thus, bringing us another well-poured segment from the NFL’s finest tropical resort. Cheers to another Mojo Mountain.

Joker: Folie a Deux

Jets, Cowboys

High expectations with low results. These Jokers are the laughingstock of the NFL right now since everyone talked highly of them going into the season. Sadly, no matter who you bring in (Jets), or don’t bring in (Cowboys), you all are flopping harder than a Kraft Single.

Burger King Satisfries

Saints, Panthers, Raiders, Titans, Giants

They tried to tell us that this year would be different. Come on, these franchises are NFL Burger Kings. No matter what you told us, we had low expectations and received low results. I’d say it’s fair to compare these teams to BK’s attempt to make healthier fries. Shocker, they failed.

Maye There One Day be a Law where Teams Must Cater Tua Quarterback

Patriots, Jags, Dolphins

All 3 of these quarterbacks played well on Sunday. Somehow, only 1 of them won and it was Drake Maye. These teams are bad, but it doesn’t appear to be the quarterback’s fault. Heck, in the last month, the Dolphins convinced us that Tua is the MVP by showing us how bad they are without him. While that isn’t ideal, there are way worse problems to have. Each team has a different hierarchy of needs, but there are clear gaps in each roster.

Primary Consumers

Bengals, Seahawks

For all the Biologists out there, primary consumers are the first tier above producers in the food chain. This means that they eat helpless plants but get slaughtered by other meat-eating animals. These teams don’t appear to be capable of holding their own against other legit teams. While they aren’t out of the playoff hunt by any means, they’ll only get there by beating the flowers of the league.

Red Teams, Red Flags, Red Dawn

Cardinals, Buccaneers

Both of these teams are 4-4 with clear issues. For the Cardinals, their defense has more holes than SpongeBob and Black Ops 6 just came out. On the other hand, Tampa’s locker room looks like everyone just slipped on ice cubes at the Salty Splatoon. Either way, both of these teams are gonna have to count on their quarterback to overcome hardship and carry their team to wins. Baker and Kyler will be running around like little kids trying to save America.

Oppenheimed

Ravens, Bears

I’m not sure which is worse: the Bears getting embarrassed by a last-second bomb or the Ravens letting Jameis drop nukes all over their secondary. Either way, both of these teams have 3 losses and will have to fight like hell to survive their division.

Mission Failed Successfully

Chargers, Vikings, Falcons

I don’t think anybody thinks these teams are that good. The Vikings, maybe. I feel like everyone is still expecting Sam Darnold to inevitably turn into a donut, but that could just be me. Anyway, if the playoffs started today, all of these teams would be in. The Chargers haven’t been great, but they certainly beat the teams they’re supposed to. The Vikings, as previously stated, are starting Sam Darnold and are regressing defensively. And the Falcons are 4-0 against their division that, with the Buccaneers’ injuries, might be the worst in the league. It’s like if a bar was handing out warm beer for free. It’s not ideal, but you’ll take it.

Bake them Cookies, Lucille!

Browns, Eagles, Rams, 49ers, Colts

If you have patience and you want your food to be good, you cook it in the oven, not the microwave. All of these teams are taking that approach. While there were some kinks to work out early, all of them should feel more confident going forward. For the 49ers and Rams, it’s a matter of getting healthy. For the Eagles, it’s playing to Jalen Hurt’s strengths: running and throwing the deep ball. For the Browns and Colts, it’s a change at quarterback that probably won’t matter a ton but should feel refreshing to the fans.

Make the Bed

Packers, Texans

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Make your bed every morning so that, even if your day is bad, you will come home to a bed that is made?” Most of the time, people don’t bother to make their bed in the morning because it seems like a pain. However, if they overcome that laziness, they solidify the opportunity to feel better at the end of the day. Both of these teams have talented rosters and excellent, young quarterbacks. However, both teams are dealing with the injury bug. So, as long as they get through this rough patch, Malik Willis continues to win for the Packers and C.J. Stroud wins without his top weapons, they will be just fine and dandy in the end.

I Gotta Give it to Ya, Sean.

Bills, Broncos

Sean Payton and Sean McDermott have led their teams to winning records despite some roster holes that we thought would be issues. The Broncos have an outstanding defense and a good quarterback while the Bills have a good defense and an outstanding quarterback. Regardless, both coaches have put together an impressive start to the season that may have saved their job.

Tucker & Dale vs Evil

Steelers, Commanders

This is just silly. Both of these teams were projected to have losing records. Instead, they are both 6-2 and a lot of that is due to great quarterback play. This unlikely pair of heroes, Jayden Daniels and Russell Wilson, are leading their team well above expectations. It’s really fun to watch this right now.

The 73-9 Warriors Except the Starting 5 is Derrick Rose, Anthony Edwards, Alex Caruso, Tacko Fall, and Boban Marjanovic

Lions

I mean, don’t you just love this team? They are quite possibly the greatest combination ever of dominant and likeable.

It’s 2017 and You are Top 3 in Fortnite Solos Hiding in a Bush.

Chiefs

Unfortunately, this has still not been beaten. As far I can tell, the country wants nothing more than for something to overtake this and restore the joy we once felt from when this team was young. Until then, we must continue to suffer the harsh reality that this team is not as epic as we once thought.

Thank you for climbing Mojo Mountain 🌋

I feel as though my reference to 2017 Fortnite is the perfect segway into the next topic.

En Route

Gaming that Once Was

This video is over 2 weeks old, but I just saw it yesterday.

It’s been a long time since I consumed content from MMG. However, in 2016, MMG’s content was neck & neck with Breaking Bad, Modern Family, and the NBA Finals for greatest spectacle in the world.

If you are like me, a once-loyal fan of EA’s greatest side-hustle, Madden Mobile, then you will definitely appreciate all of the nostalgia that this video provides. Alas, it will also remind you of the disappointment that you thought you buried after countless stinkers from EA in the App Store.

However, while I may never again see a game as beautiful as Madden Mobile 16, I can take this time to reflect on all of the other gaming eras that provided me with so much joy at one time or another. This video inspired me to think of all the times I thought gaming with the boys could not get any better. So, I thought it was only right to build a list: my favorite gaming eras ever.

• Wii Sports Resort 2009-2011

  I’m starting this list with a bit of a curveball. While curveballs were only available in this games father, Wii Sports, I look at Wii Sports Resort more favorably. It’s not often that we say the sequel is better than the original, but I think it’s undeniable in this case. As someone who clearly digs tropical vibes, nothing beats the variety at your fingertips on Wuhu Island. Playing this in the basement is yet to slack.

• Call of Duty Black Ops 3 2015-2017

  I understand that this is a bit of a hot take. While I cannot deny the greatness of other titles like Modern Warfare 2, Black Ops 2, or the most innovative project ever: Infinite Warfare’s Zombies in Spaceland, this game was perfectly timed for teenage me. It was the perfect blend of combat with enhanced movement. Plus, the game just looks beautiful… just like 2016.

• Fortnite 2017-2018

  This one is perhaps the hardest to talk about. As I mentioned with the Chiefs in Mojo Mountain, this was once believed to be the coolest thing ever. Now, everyone is sick of it except for little kids that just don’t get it these days. Despite me really only referring to about 6 months, I could talk about this era forever. The intensity of inching towards your first dub may never again be replicated. This is something that all of us nearing unc status can appreciate.

• Covid Minecraft

  I don’t think I can actually put a timestamp on this era. It just was. Unlike the previous 3 games listed, this one still holds up. You don’t hear about people designating 2 weeks out of the year to their annual Fortnite grind. Minecraft kept us sane in a time where we needed it most. I had the pleasure of hosting my friend group’s world. In doing so, I would play for 10 straight hours, go to bed at 4 in the morning, and stay in the world overnight so that my friends could hop in as they pleased. I don’t know that any other game can have that kind of impact.

• Honorable mentions

  Pokemon GO, NBA 2k19, GTA 5, Rocket League, Prominence Poker, Mariokart Wii, Flappy Bird, & Guitar Hero Live

  I could talk about each of these games for hours. I would give at least 2 fingers to be playing Madden Mobile 16 in my Middle School Cafeteria right now. Then again, that would kinda stink if I was missing 2 fingers. Anyway, you get the idea. There’s something about video games being released at the right time that cement them as core era of cherished memories. So, what’s next? Is the next gaming era going to be when me and the boys are taking care of our newborn babies at 2 AM? Perhaps.

Descent

The Future of the CV Newsletter

Today’s descent will be different from the standard. Rather than listing a few quick topics, I need to dive into one specific thought: where am I going with this thing? Well, with this entire audience pretty much being friends of mine, I trust that I can ask you all for advice on my upcoming ideas.

I’m going to leave this as a simple hypothetical that I’d be more than happy to discuss if you want to ask about it further. As Bill Nye would say, consider the following:

If you received a newsletter once a week that was intended to provide “a positive, enjoyable break from your daily workload” what would you want to expect from it every week. Parameters? Topics? Tone? In other words, what would you expect it to look like so that it consistently delivers on that intention every week. Don’t consider that as my friend, consider that as a total stranger that sees an ad for a newsletter hoping to spread positive vibes.

I love writing this, but I will need to make some adjustments to make it more marketable publicly. Any ideas, advice, or questions you may have from my hypothetical would be sweet.

1. Also, Nicki Minaj is a BEAR?

Takeoff

A gnarly weekend of MLB baseball, NBA basketball, and JRE politics has given me plenty to think about as I walk into the official Halloweek. As a working lad who isn’t sure when he’ll be busting out his Thomas the Tank Engine costume, I find solace in knowing I can at least provide some commentary on what was, is, and will be happening.

While football continues to blow us away from both the college and professional level, I’ll leave that for Wednesday. Baseball is coming to an end and basketball is just starting, which means, after this week, we’re not going to talk about either until the Spring. I could be wrong. Basketball might surprise us with a few good storylines. Either way, I know everyone gets tired of the NBA regular season really quickly (something even an in-season tournament probably can’t solve), so I’m going to try and make my analysis of the NBA regular season as fun and entertaining as possible. And I’ll start with this.

3-Word Game

The Herd on FS1, my guilty pride and joy, used to play the 3-word game every week with NFL teams. After each regular season game, Colin Cowherd would condense the status of every team’s season into a mere 3 words. I always liked that segment. Thus, rather than double down on Mojo Mountain, I’ll translate this segment to the NBA.

Let it be known that I have to open tomorrow, so I will not see the Sunday games before this is written. I’m going to back on nothing unexpected happening and say this is 3 words to describe every NBA team through their opening weekend.

Milwaukee Bucks

Be Honest, Giannis

Giannis and Dame can play basketball. We know that, but I don’t think anyone expects the oldest team in the east to win a title unless Giannis and Dame are perfect. Teams like the Warriors will probably make offers for the Greek Freak. Giannis, who clearly has a say with the front office, needs to speak up about how he’s feeling.

Charlotte Hornets

Melo in Hell-o

We all knew LaMelo is a walking highlight reel. Alas, I’m willing to admit that 32 ppg is not sustainable. Then again, neither is your next highest scorer being Tre Mann who gives you 18 ppg off the bench.

Philadelphia 76ers

Hurt to Max

I feel bad for Tyrese Maxey here. Joel Embiid and Paul George are already out. This feels like foreshadowing of what’s to persist.

Boston Celtics

Not Going Anywhere

Jayson Tatum and co. heard the noise about how nobody feels happy for them. They took that noise and turned it into leading the league in 3pt %. Alternative 3 words: Don’t Hatem Tatum.

Toronto Raptors

Some Good Dick

Scottie Barnes and Gradey Dick are productive young players. Unfortunately, that’s not even remotely close to good enough for a playoff spot.

Orlando Magic

Bolognese, Banchero, Biscotti

Paolo will be absolutely cooking Italian meals and has some good complementary dishes around him. This is my pick for the Play-In Tournament.

Brooklyn Nets

Bit late, Ben

Ben Simmons is getting back into a groove right when the Nets need him least. While Cam Thomas will continue to score out the wazoo, it won’t be enough for this team to get over the hump.

Atlanta Hawks

Pending Empty Nest

Trae Young has been unbelievable so far, but I think it’s merely boosting his trade value. I expect him to finish the season in a different uniform.

Detroit Pistons

I’d Be Pist

Look, The Pistons are bad. I’m not denying that, but the league did not do them any favors. Starting your season with Indiana, Cleveland, Boston, Miami, Philly, and New York is not ideal for any bad team. That’s what you call no mercy for the rookie CPU.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Donovan and Dynamos

This is an undefeated, well-balanced team that will be eyeing a middle seed in the playoffs once again. While I don’t think it’s a super promising ceiling, it’s certainly fun to watch Donovan Mitchell play. We’ll see if he stays playing for Cleveland.

Indiana Pacers

Playing Pistons Pace

After an improbable Conference Finals appearance, expectations for this group rose tremendously. This is a good roster that plays hard, but it seems they’ve got a bit of a hangover as they’re 1-2 with 1 narrow victory to the Pistons. This should get back to normal soon.

Memphis Grizzlies

Scoring Edey Peezy

I would just like to point out that this team is top 10 in ppg, and Zach Edey is the favorite for ROY. I was told he shouldn’t be a top 15 draft pick. Shmucks.

Houston Rockets

Seen Greener Pastures

Jalen Green is really talented, but a trio of him, Fred VanVleet, and Alperen Sengun is not exactly what I would call a “Big 3.”

New York Knicks

Building New Bridges

Mikal Bridges was brought in to provide a 3 & D element that will better prepare the Knicks to take down the Celtics. Coincidentally, he supposedly changed his shot. I don’t know what that will look like, but it’ll have to work if he’s gonna replace Donte DiVincenzo. Alternative 3 words: Andante Without DiVincenzo

Golden State Warriors

Yield to Hield

I never thought I would see myself saying, “Buddy Hield is a new splash brother.” All I know is he’s leading the former dynasty in points and has a smooth 69 FG%.

Utah Jazz

Livin Like Lauri

This winless team is being hopelessly carried by Lauri Markkanen that I’m sure is still hoping he is a highly sought trade piece in this league.

Phoenix Suns

I Got Beals

I got deals, I got deals. Here’s a deal for you: accept that you will play no defense, but you have like 5 lethal 3-point shooters.

Los Angeles Lakers

Great For Ads

The Bronny moment was cool. The Lakers are a fun brand that’s been heightened by a father-son duo. However, this team will win by playing through Anthony Davis and not playing Bronny. He isn’t ready for the league and this team can’t afford any publicity stunts weighing them down.

San Antonio Spurs

Not The Victors

At first, I thought about making this one “Better Call Paul.” Clever, right? Well, it doesn’t work unless it means you’re calling Chris Paul to tell him he’s been benched. Don’t try to convince me he’s important as a leader and passer when he averages 3 points and literally has the ball every possession.

New Orleans Pelicans

Zion Or Zioff

The Pelicans have played 2 games. Zion has played 1. He almost had a triple double, but what does that tell you? More of the same. When Zion plays, this team has a surplus of good options. When he doesn’t, well, meh.

Portland Trail Blazers

Shoot, Scoot, Reboot

A team that’s bottom-3 in shooting percentage will look to rebuild their shot as well as their team. This thing isn’t getting anywhere, so maybe they’ll move some things around. We’ll see what develops from their young core.

Los Angeles Clippers

The Arena’s Cool

That’s about it.

Denver Nuggets

Serious Or Joking?

How about this? The Denver Dynasty seems like a certified afterthought now that they are the worst shooting team in the league and Nikola Jokic isn’t happy. Granted, he wasn’t happy to be playing basketball to begin with.

Miami Heat

Still Too Cold

Right now, Terry Rozier is the Heat’s leading score at 19 ppg. This group is noticeably cold to start the year with a bottom-10 shooting performance thus far. We’ll see how this team picks it up as they go.

Washington Wizards

Need New Wands

I’m no Professor at Hogwarts, but this doesn’t look like magic. They took Alexandre Sarr with the 2nd pick in the draft. We’ll see how this pans out.

Oklahoma City Thunder

This Feels Legit

They’re the second youngest team in the league and they already feel incredibly developed and well-rounded. I expect this team to return as the number 1 seed. They already smacked Denver and Chicago. I expect big things out of them.

Chicago Bulls

Cute Little Cows

Zach Lavine is fun! Lonzo Ball is playing! Coby White has cool hair! Meh. I can’t say I’m super “Giddey” when it comes to this team. I don’t know. This just seems like destined mediocrity.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Deep Wolf Pack

This is a deep roster. With Donte DiVincenzo, Naz Reid, and Jinglin’ Joe Jingles on the bench, this roster has a great set of complements to its’ solid starting lineup.

Dallas Mavericks

Smoke A Cuban

Celebrate! It works! Klay Thompson seems to fit in nicely as a spot-up shooter. With Minnesota and Oklahoma City improving, I don’t know if it will be enough, but Luka will certainly lead this team somewhere.

Sacramento Kings

Pretty Dim Beam

Lighting the beam now feels more like checking if the gas station “open” sign is still on. I know this starting lineup is solid, but Domontas, Demar, and De’Aaron are starting off winless. The Big Ds don’t feel like a Big 3.

En Route

Hot New Music?

Non Stop Flight

Drake Bell · Album · 2024 · 35 songs

open.spotify.com/album/0t1FNOj7bYFbcO7813LXNe?si=cg8e32NPRW6dd1OYXTEDqA

I never thought I would see the day. At last, for the first time in my life, I was able to legitimately say, “Drake Bell released the best music I heard today.” As an eternal fan of Drake & Josh, I grew up expecting Drake Bell to be the next Michael Jackson. I’m not joking. At seven years old, I genuinely thought, “This dude makes out with so many girls. He has to be next up!” Then, as a 16-year-old still watching the show, I thought, “Hm, it’s kinda weird how many girls they had this guy make out with.” Now, as a 22-year-old that’s seen Quiet on Set, I’m thinking, “That really was weird! Thank goodness he made something he’s proud of.”

With all of the turmoil that this man faced, I’m beyond relieved to say this album is tremendous. Non-Stop Flight guides you through a distant voyage on Bell Air (how clever is that) in which the tone and melody of every song reflects the portion of the flight chronologically assigned to it. For example, the album opens with a 49-second recording of a flight attendant welcoming you to Bell Air. Then, the following song, Going Away, is a gradual crescendo that symbolizes a plane’s takeoff. There are 10 of these moments in which a song is actually an interruption on the intercom from Drake Bell, the “pilot,” or a flight attendant. Let me just say, the English Major brain in me needs some serious flight attention.

I absolutely loved it and would recommend it to anyone who cares for a range of alternative rock styles with a sprinkle of Spanish tunes that will have you checking your garage for those old maracas.

Thus, giving it a 79🐦‍🔥 on the Heater Meter. Now, I know what you're thinking, "A 79? He just raved about it and said it melted his metaphorical English Major brain. How is it only a 79?" That's a valid question, so I think it's fair to segway this into another conversation.

There are certainly a couple of skips along the way. That flight wasn’t completely smooth, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love it. As I’ve mentioned previously with my lack of good music, combined with a Dance Moms pyramid of 1017 rappers that was a colossal waste of time, I think it’s fair to say the standard for what makes a good album is not as high as we all previously thought. This brings me to a question, “If an album holds 12 songs, how many would you have to save to your library for you to say you loved it? Then, if it reaches that benchmark, what would you rate it out of 10?” I could not tell you the last time I added 80% of songs from an album, but I know there have been albums that I’ve said I love. I think the standard for what it takes to love an album nowadays should equate to 50% of the songs being worth saving. That’s just me. I’m more than happy to debate this further over specific albums with any of you hooligans that read this.

On the other hand, I think we can all agree from the tweet below that we could use some new heat

Twitter tweet

Who listened to See You Again this week? Look, I understand that FEIN and Not Like Us are gonna play at every NBA arena this year, but I’m not playing that in my car. And I’m certainly not still playing Goosebumps. Goosebumps? Are we still making intros to Madden 17 let’s plays? Regardless, NOID by Tyler, The Creator is the only new song to crack this list, and I have mixed feelings about it that I’m not going to get in to. This whole list makes me think there’s some radio station in Asia called “Travis Scott & Eminem” that has like 6 of these songs on repeat. KEHLANI hits though and it makes me feel like a hot girl at the gym.

Luckily, there is plenty to be excited about with upcoming rap music.

Twitter tweet

I will be all over these releases to see if anything is actually worth saving. This will be a nice checkpoint for seeing how many songs I have to like in order to say I loved an album.

Was I Right or Was I Right?

Twitter tweet

I was also wrong.

But tell me the Freddie Freeman walk-off grand slam in game 1 was not the coolest baseball thing you’ve seen. That game was so much fun and watching these stars square off has been a blast. However, I was still wrong about some of it.

Not that many people bothered to watch, and Aaron Judge has been really bad. While I predicted that this would be the most watched series since 2004, it is only the most watched since 2017. As the New York Post reported, this TV ratings “bonanza” eclipsed 17 million viewers.

Sadly, that means 17 million people watched Aaron Judge stink. Serving up a monstrous 1-9 with 6 Ks through 2 games, Judge has sadly convinced us all that the lights are too bright. Sandwiched between Juan Soto and Giancarlo Stanton, Judge’s costars have carried the Yankees offense despite having to overcome the absence of their top slugger. Down 2-0 and headed back to New York, the Yankees have no more room for error as they look to even things out at home. The first pitch will be thrown tonight at the time Sportacus goes to bed. #iykyk.

Descent

1. All-time NBA shooting guard Dwyane Wade’s statue was unveiled outside of the Kaseya Center in Miami. This article is titled, “NBA Fans In Disbelief At Dwyane Wade's Miami Heat Statue” because it is actually the most ridiculous portrayal of a player I have ever seen.

2. Why not take a look at The top 100 best rock albums in music history. See if Yummy Yummy made the list!

3. Apparently, the MTV EMAs (MTV Europe Music Awards) are like a super big deal? I guess that continent likes music or something. See if your favorite artists are up for titles!

4. I know, I know. I feel you, brother. My chicken is dry too. Luckily, I found some Pro Tips For Grilling Chicken Breasts Without Drying Them Out.

5. See ya Wednesday, Nitz!

Takeoff

I was going to start with the World Series, but I want to start with this instead.

Davante Adams let it all out in the Jets locker room after their loss to the Steelers.

Twitter tweet

5 days after arriving at the team facility, Davante Adams played a game for the Jets, lost the game to the Steelers, and gave the postgame speech to the team.

Those who are close to me know I’m a big Fox Sports guy. The Herd, First Things First, and a few other programs on FS1 hold my attention pretty frequently. Colin Cowherd and Nick Wright, probably the two biggest faces on FS1 and people that my friends know I love to listen to, hated this from Davante. I think that’s wildly excessive.

Both hosts said it was ridiculous for someone to come in and takeover like that. Colin said, “Imagine someone walking into the Chiefs facility and acting like they lead the team over Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes.” Nick Wright referenced a story from his past, saying, “I had been there for 3 years, and this guy comes in and immediately starts trying to tell me what needs to change.” In those hypothetical scenarios, I would hate the person playing Adams’ role too.

Here’s the thing, the Jets aren’t Nick Wright’s production and they sure as hell aren’t the Chiefs. I feel like everyone is blaming Davante Adams for being liked by Aaron Rodgers. That is not his fault.

Davante Adams was brought in by the Jets to “save” their 2-5 team that’s ranked 24th in scoring offense. The Jets elected him to that position. Nobody else did. Adams was not the catalyst for being traded to the Jets. If you want to blame the Jets’ front office for getting them to this point, fine. Don’t blame Davante Adams; a player the Raiders chose to send there.

In fact, if Adams is advocating for a more enthusiastic sideline, then Aaron Rodgers is a part of that audience! Nick Wright claimed that Rodgers’ awkward “no-hug” with Saleh was the big bang for this disaster. If your company stinks, so they bring in a “new guy” that’s supposed to be the catalyst for improvement, I expect him or her to speak up on day one. That’s what he was brought in to do! Nobody blames Patches O’Houlihan for Average Joe’s previous lack of dodgeball skills. He was brought in to help by leading and Davante is doing that effectively. You want to criticize Aaron Rodgers and the front office’s decisions? Fine, but don’t criticize Davante Adams for being an immediate leader just because you know Aaron Rodgers likes it. Put me on FS1.

En Route

What I Know for Sure

As I mentioned last Friday, Oprah Winfrey’s memoir, What I Know for Sure, is an inspirational collection of wisdom and experience that will have you feeling like Josh Nichols.

One iconic Oprah quote is this, “You CAN have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.” Now, for a few reasons, I don’t feel as though I can defy Oprah, but I’m gonna. Here’s ALL the things I know for sure going into the weekend. All right here, just for you.

The World Series is Going to be Historic

This is the realest thing anyone has put on social media this year:

Twitter tweet

It has 2 likes and 1 of them is me.

I know, I know. I’ve said it before, but it’s true. No matter how much you hate the “pay to win” MLB (granted, these 2 teams have 2 ½ World Series Titles combined this century), you can’t deny the surplus of stars we’re getting in this matchup. Shohei Ohtani vs Aaron Judge alone would be an eye magnet, but the supporting cast around each of them is beyond anything we could have hoped for… And the MLB could not agree more.

I did a little research, and I’m ready to deliver a take: despite everyone complaining about how fed up they are with top-payroll teams, this will be the most watched World Series since 2004.

With an average of 25 million viewers/game, the 2004 World Series between the Red Sox and Cardinals is the only series this century to reach that benchmark. That’s when the “Why Not Us?” Red Sox came back from a 3-0 deficit to beat the Yankees in the ALCS.

You know what World Series has the lowest viewership ratings ever? Last year’s! Everyone was so excited that the Diamondbacks and Rangers played for the title because they were sick of the Yankees, Dodgers, and Astros. Yet, somehow, nobody watched it. You can complain all you want, but when Aaron Judge hits a go-ahead dinger in the 8th with Betts, Ohtani, and Freeman up to bat, I know you will be on the edge of your seat.

Fun fact: the last time these two teams met in the World Series was 1978. It was the most watched World Series ever at 44 million viewers/game. Isn’t that sad for America’s pastime?

All viewership ratings provided by everyone’s most trusted source, Wikipedia

Similar to Science, Bill Nye Rules

Twitter tweet

X, Twitter, The Slap, whatever you want to call it, there are plenty of heated debates that rise from posts like these. What am I? A list guy. No matter the topic, if I see a list, I have to do an inspection. Today’s topic: white dudes.

I’m not actually going to rank my top 4 white guys. While my list would probably be different, as @scubaryan clearly forgot about Gustavo Rocque and Ian Hawke, I need to make a specific comment regarding the public’s reaction to this post.

Bill Nye is getting too much hate.

Plenty of people responded with who should be replaced on this top 4. Multiple valid names were mentioned: Tony Hawk, Seth Rogen, Mr. Rogers, Keanu Reeves, and many more.

Twitter tweet

But this disrespect… Look, I’m in full support of this person promoting Mr. Rogers. He’s a legend. I just don’t agree with the Bill Nye slander. Like I said, while Mr. Rogers is a worthy candidate, he isn’t the only one in a tweet that urged for Bill Nye’s replacement.

That man single-handedly claimed the topic that relates to everything in existence. I mean, he is literally the “science” guy. If you surveyed every millennial or gen-Zer and asked if they know who those 4 people are, I’d bet that Bill Nye is in the top 2 most recognized. As a childhood entertainment staple, as well as the bread & butter for hungover teachers, Bill Nye blessed millions across the world. It’s pretty impressive to think that Bill Nye had every student, most of which hating science, yelling out, “science rules!” That’s what I call motion, twin.

Bill Nye charged so Neil deGrasse Tyson could accelerate. Boom, particle joke, Bill Nye hits those.

The Ball Brothers are so Back (Almost)

Twitter tweet

If this doesn’t sweeten your tea, I don’t know what will. LaMelo Ball’s wild performance on opening night was one for the ages. It didn’t start this hot, but things really picked up as the game progressed. I understand you probably didn’t watch this but, for some reason, my mom has NBA TV, so I did. Anyway, the Rockets had no answer for the Baby Ball.

Twitter tweet

And Lonzo was solid off the bench! Okay, I know those stats are nothing crazy, but that was his first game since we saw all three Spider-Men together on one screen. If I waited almost three years to put out Monday’s edition of The Cheap Vacation, I’d be a little nervous too. All I know is he was productive and available. That’s all I can ask for from these two.

On the other hand, LiAngelo is taking the “old-fashioned” route to the league. When asked about his basketball future, Gelo said, “I might just play in the Big3.” Now, I’ll admit that doesn’t seem like the most promising path to the league, but I’m not too worried about it. I will continue to manifest Melo and Zo joining forces. Then, Lavar will work his magic and Gelo will be handed a roster spot. And I will finally be able to buy a ticket to LavarLand.

Descent

1. Are you looking for something new to watch? Check out IMDb’s movies that released in 2022. I never knew this, but they list everything. Some of the titles on here are nuts.

2. Looking to build some muscle for your winter arc? Eat These 8 Essential Foods!

3. Are you thinking about trading in your old phone this Christmas? Before you pitch it, give it to your sister, or trade it in for store credit at GameStop, try turning it into a Free Security Camera With 3 Easy Steps!

4. Call of Duty Black Ops 6 was officially released today! As a long-time fan of this franchise, I’m proud to say it doesn’t look like garbage! And for $70, it better be solid! Check out the earliest content of the game.

5. There are a lot of rumors about a Tesla phone. Here is the latest breakdown of whether a launch is near.

6. I saw an article today about a television horror/drama from 2022 being moved. I had never heard of it, so I went and watched the Season 1 Trailer. It’s called From and it looks crazy! Have you ever heard of it?

7. The Polar Express 2 is confirmed and in development. Thanks for the intel, Nitz!

1

Takeoff

There’s been a lot of random, interesting news that’s hit my feed this week, and I struggled to determine the most important topics worth discussing. The NBA regular season returned last night (which is way too early), Nicolas Cage exposed to actors how Hollywood plans to use AI to change their faces, and scientists found the “coolest” way of cooling the atmosphere: shooting $200 trillion worth of pulverized diamonds into that bad boy. All that sounds pretty cool right? Perhaps.

Yet, somehow, I still feel a lack of stimulating entertainment.

NPR released a playlist called All Songs Considered. Ya know? NPR? The radio network that your grandma and 7th grade social studies teacher listen to? Whatever, point is the network with 57 million monthly listeners is invalid because they clearly did not consider every song as that playlist is somewhat trash… and I know there are bangers in this world. I suppose what I’m trying to say is there’s just been a lot of underwhelming mediocrity that has hit my line in the last couple of days. Thus, in the wise words of Rufus, I would appreciate it if someone could “tell me something good.” But if I can’t count on society, I’ll just do it myself…

Let’s do Mojo Mountain baby.

Mojo Mountain

After 7 weeks at this ayahuasca oasis, a pretzel with some Bijan Dijon, and a few too many Purdy Shirley’s, a talented group of NFL savants (me) concocted a tasteful analysis of every team’s most significant metric:

How are your vibes?

As always, with this being a newsletter, it is an inverse mountain. The teams whose fans have the most unfortunate vibes will appear first. Let’s do it.

Pluto Nash in 3D

Patriots, Titans, Giants, Panthers, Raiders, Browns, Cowboys

Did you see this movie? No? You didn’t have to. You know it sucked. The first 6 teams pretty clearly seem to be the worst 6 teams in the league. For the Cowboys, you didn’t see them because they didn’t play this week, and they still lost. Troy Aikman said that Dallas’ wide receivers run lazy routes. Then, on Monday, Mike McCarthy said he doesn’t care about what Aikman says. Mike, Troy Aikman isn’t some jabroni on the local radio. If I started rapping and Eminem gave me advice, I wouldn’t say I’m above Slim Shady!

A Caboodle of Caveats

Saints, Dolphins, Rams, Jets, 49ers, Jags, Cardinals

I’m starting to believe something: if you’re defending your favorite team, and your argument starts with “We’re really good if…” then you might be in the worst position of all. Every one of these teams’ fans will make that argument. For the Cardinals, it’s if Kyler seems to care that day. For the Dolphins, Rams, 49ers, and Saints, it’s if they’re healthy. For the Jags, it’s if every game was in London. For the Jets, it’s if we sign Aaron Rodgers, hire everyone he wants, fire Robert Saleh, trade for Davante Adams, and now do something else. Either way, you have talented pieces, but it appears you need a perfect storm for any of them to make legitimate playoff noise.

Michelob Ultra Dragon Fruit Peach

Colts, Falcons, Eagles, Chargers

Weirdly, you probably aren’t the worst beer in the fridge. In fact, your zesty buddy Dale thinks you’ve got some good flavor. Either way, when it comes to crunch time, and I need something tasty, I don’t think I can trust you. The Colts, Falcons, and Eagles all have 4 wins, and the Chargers have the best QB/coach combo in this group. There are things I like about you, but I wouldn’t bring you to my company party.

Glass Onion

Bengals, Commanders, Buccaneers

Who doesn’t love a good mystery? Will Joe Burrow overcome the Bengals’ abysmal defense? Who knows! Will Jayden Daniels withstand the brute force of NFL defenders? We’ll see! Can two Zyns in the upper deck replace Baker’s top two receivers out with injury? Stay tuned! All of these teams have exceptional talent in certain areas, but like that onion, they’re quite fragile.

Drake’s Entire Discography

Texans, Bears, Seahawks, Broncos

It hasn’t always been pretty, but there’s some good, even great stuff here. We’ll see if they get better with time or become washed. Either way, the expectations now are deservingly high.

The Purple Cobras

Bills, Steelers, Vikings, Packers

Josh Allen still hasn’t thrown a pick, Sam Darnold doesn’t appear to be a donut, the Packers are loaded with young talent, and the Steelers have OPTIONS at quarterback. What a world we live in. If you told me any of those scenarios in the preseason, I’d think all of these teams are on their way to championship weekend. Alas, who takes down the Purple Cobras in the end?

Average Joe’s

Lions, Ravens

We all knew the dorks from Average Joe’s gym were going to prevail in the end. But who doesn’t love a good underdog story? Weirdly enough, despite Lamar Jackson being the favorite for MVP, and the Lions being the favorite to win the NFC, both of these teams still have a bit of a chip on their shoulder. For the Ravens, there are looming concerns regarding the defense and the late-game points they’ve given up. For the Lions, they’re the Lions. The idea of them winning the NFC just doesn’t feel right. Oh well, I like watching good football and these teams provide that.

The First Beer on Spring Break

Chiefs

The drive took 14 hours, Rob already has sun poisoning, forecast says rain for the next 6 days, and Dexter’s girlfriend reeeeaaaaalllllyyyy thinks we should stay in tonight. Doesn’t matter. You crack open that first beer before the case gets stuffed in the fridge. You hear the “paired” noise from the JBL, and “Kickstart My Heart” emerges from nowhere. It just hits different.

“Aye, there’s 2 solo cups and a raccoon in the toilet” says Ben. Don’t care.

Thank you for climbing Mojo Mountain. 🏔️

En Route

Rose, Bud, Thorn

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make this a consistent play on Wednesdays. If I climb Mojo Mountain and sit around the dinner table with my readers every week for RBT, I want to make sure nothing feels redundant. Then again, if this segment is about appreciating what you have in the world, there’s no reason not to do it consistently. Besides, as Charles Barkley once said, “we got meatballs at Subway.”

Rose

The NBA is Back as a Content Creator

I know what you’re thinking, “what does he mean by a content creator?” Look, I’m not comparing the NBA to Mr. Beast or Scott the Woz, but they do share something noteworthy. They get their views from the internet, not TV. Personally, I think the NBA season starts too early. With Football, Hockey, and Baseball, I don’t have enough eyes to tune in to the NBA tipoff. Plus, 82 games are just an inevitable line of “load management breaks.” How many of those, no matter how strong a fan you may be, are you actually going to watch? Thus, sparking my thought: the NBA is back to provide content for you on Instagram, X, and TikTok. So, while my view of the NBA regular season seems slightly pessimistic, don’t get me wrong. I love scrolling through the league.

Twitter tweet

I mean who doesn’t love how bad this is? My man Chuck has Damian Lillard at 37 and Wemby at 22! Put some respect on these boys! You got to love it. Check out the top 20 players from Chuck, Kenny and Shaq on the Thread below. I know, I know. I can’t believe I tagged an Instagram Thread either. I’m not even sure if you can click that crap.

House of Highlights (@houseofhighlights) on Threads

NBA on TNT 1-20 Player Rankings Lists 🚨 Who had the hottest take? 🤔

www.threads.net/@houseofhighlights/post/DBZ3u9Cxp7X

Speaking of interesting takes, there’s also this:

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Twitter is pretty stoked over this Adidas commercial with Anthony Edwards. If you haven’t seen it, you should. It’s Ant taking a lie detector test where the questions ask him how he feels about himself and other players in the league. Of course, the results show he thinks he’s the best. Conceptually, that’s really cool. Props to Adidas for that.

On the other hand, the commercial is ultimately designed to promote Ant’s new signature shoe, the AE1. Here’s the problem with that: the shoe is hideous.

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These look like they let my feet breathe underwater.

No disrespect to Ant. I love his personality and his game. In fact, no disrespect to Adidas either. They managed to make an ugly shoe and mask it by making a commercial so good that everyone forgets about the product that they’re selling.

And I’ll give them one more bit of praise that’s perhaps the most significant of all, the shoes appear to be affordable. Retailing at $110-$120, the AE1 is not super expensive for a signature basketball shoe. However, as someone who hasn’t bought basketball shoes since 8th grade, my knowledge may be outdated.

Bud

This

I know I said I won’t watch much NBA any time soon, but this is undeniably cool:

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Have fun, everybody.

Thorn

What Are We Doing People

Alright, I have 2 thorns this week. I hate to admit it, but the entertainment world has been a bit disappointing lately. Like I said in the beginning, outside of sports, we’re in a bit of an entertainment deficit. Good job, sports. Now, here’s my beef.

Anna Kendrick’s Woman of the Hour is the Number 1 Movie on Netflix

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When it comes to women in vintage Hollywood dealing with serial killers, I was already disappointed with MaXXXine, so I really did not want to go 0/2 with this one. After all, both movies are ranked number 1 on MAX and Netflix.

Alas, it was another miss. As I wrote in my review on Letterboxd, if you told me this movie was well-written and well-shot, I’d assume it was pretty good. Turns out, I’d be wrong. This movie had boatloads of potential and tarnishes it, but I’ll give Anna Kendrick credit. For this being her directing debut, her characters are interesting and well-casted, and she cooked up a legit plot that’s really intriguing and provocative.

And yet, somehow, the movie isn’t good. Actually, no. I know exactly how it isn’t good. Without spoiling too much, let me break down the plot for you. There are 3 plotlines: A, B, and C. A is Anna Kendrick reluctantly being on a gameshow to save her acting career. B is a series of flashbacks that expose the killer’s sinister past. Those two obviously intersect when they both appear on the gameshow. C is a third woman who briefly interacted with the serial killer in the past and is traumatized when she sees him on the gameshow.

What does plot C have to do with A & B? Absolutely nothing. You would think there would be some sort of buildup to show how the woman of plot C ultimately impacts A & B. It literally doesn’t. What’s even more strange about it is that you feel like it is going nowhere the whole time. It’s not like the movie ends and you’re like “Wait! What happened to that one girl?” Instead, you’re more like “Yep. That’s it. I knew it. She was a pointless character.”

Now, let me make this rebuttal. Some people will say the plotline represents how men often reject the attention and emotions of women because they objectify them as nothing but sexual objects. I’m not arguing against that. It’s an absolutely relevant and significant issue. What I am arguing is that it could have been carried out in a different way that leads to a better movie. In fact, all of that butter is sitting right there on the table with Anna Kendrick’s character. All they had to do was grab the knife.

I know it’s based on a true story, but like they basically said in the movie, “that’s Hollywood for ya.” So, do what Hollywood does and enhance some things to make a good product. This movie being #1 on Netflix feels like a publicity stunt rather than an evidence-based ranking.

Either way, I’m giving Woman of the Hour a 62 on the Heater Meter. 🫤

This, on the other hand, is also a crazy true story.

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I don’t listen to Bieber much, but I have a fun game for you to play at the lunch table: name 7 greater pop stars of the 21st century than Justin Bieber. As you know, I’m a big list guy, so I have to do an inspection when I see one. Like I said, I’m not that big of a fan myself, but I can’t argue with what this man has accomplished. In the most unprofessional way I can analyze this, I just feel like Bieber has to be higher.

Descent

1. Interestingly, there is an E. coli outbreak linked to McDonald’s Quarter Pounders. The timing of this just feels filet-o-fishy.

2. The NBA tipped off last night. Check out the stats and scores from the opening matchups!

3. Is all that Kool-Aid making you old and wrinkly? Fear not, these are the 7 Best Anti-Aging Drinks for Longevity and Healthy Aging. Get this, none of them are water.

4. Nasa’s sending astronauts to the moon in 2030… And they’ll be wearing Prada?

5. This is the Cheap Vacation after all, might as well mention travel. Are you a good traveler? See if you fall under any of this blogger’s red flags for a travel partner, titled, “No Partiers, No Fussy Eaters.” I’ll be honest, at first, I thought there was a really provocative typo there.

Takeoff

After an action-packed weekend of college football, Lockheed Martin chaos, and everyone trying to meet at the “APT,” social media platforms are popping off with content. Alas, only so much can be divulged in a newsletter written by one guy in his bedroom.

Regardless, I’ve gathered some of the most interesting topics worth discussing on this wonderful Monday. Let’s kick off the week with the biggest storylines from week 8 of the college football season.

College Football Takeaways

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A Breath of Fresh Air in the SEC

As someone with no ties to any SEC teams, all I can do is sit back and appreciate good football. Texas fans were throwing stuff on the field after a wild PI call controversy, as well as (more significantly) an embarrassing loss at home to Georgia. Tennessee prevailed against Alabama despite going scoreless in the first half. As someone who would give presentations while going through puberty, I can appreciate some good adjustments.

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Anyway, I feel like it’s been a long time since “who’s the best team in the SEC” was a debate worth having. After a decade of Bama dominance, a sexy sprinkle of LSU, and an unexpected Georgia dynasty, an unoccupied top spot in the SEC is a luxury we aren’t used to. Texas A&M, LSU, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, and Texas all sit at 6-1 with A&M and LSU being the only undefeateds in conference play. So, who’s actually the best team in the SEC? Vandy. Screw it.

Michigan Might Make History

I know what you’re thinking, “Michigan just got pounced by Illinois. How could they be making history?” Well, not all history is good history. Take the 1961 Phillies, for example, who lost 23 straight games. Anyway, following the loss to Illinois, Michigan is not ranked in the AP Poll. And, as an Ohio State fan, I’m excited to say they might stay unranked.

With Oregon, Indiana (who are some dawgs), and Ohio State (obvious dawgs), still on the schedule, there’s a good chance Michigan finishes the season unranked at 6-6, which is not a good victory tour from the reigning champs. In fact, because you can’t just Google this, I asked my buddy, ChatGPT, “who’s the last reigning champ to finish unranked the following year?” That would be the 2003 LSU Tigers. In fact, thanks to the ridiculous BCS rules, that LSU team was not even a consensus National Champ. There was a Split Decision between them and USC for who earned the spot at #1. Anyway, I’m rooting for the reigning champs to continue their downward spiral.

Cam Ward, Bryson Daily, and Everyone who Plays for the Indiana Hoosiers is a DAWG.

Some stats for you:

Cam Ward @ Louisville: 21/32, 348 TOT YDS, 4 TD, 0 INT

Bryson Daily vs ECU: 31 CAR, 171 YDS, 5 TD

Indiana vs Nebraska: 56-7

No matter what Louisville did, Cam Ward could not be stopped in pursuit to a 52-45 victory over the Cardinals. It was an epic performance that proved why ward could potentially be the number one pick over Colorado’s Shedeur Sanders.

Bryson Daily, who plays quarterback by the way, carried the ball thirty-one times and scored on 5 of those attempts. Pair that with a passing touchdown as well and Army wins by scoring over 40 points in their 4th straight game. This is their first 7-0 start since 1996.

Indiana smoked Nebraska at home, 56-7. Matt Rhule and Dylan Raiola were no match for Curt Cignetti’s little engine of transfers. Unfortunately, Indiana quarterback, Kurtis Rourke, suffered an injury to his throwing hand that will probably have him sidelined for a few weeks. While it didn't matter in this one, as backup Tayven Jackson came in and completed 7/8 with 2 touchdowns of his own, we'll see if these football Hoosiers keep rolling

Thank you for reading the college football recap. I’ll see you on Wednesday to talk the NFL and climb Mojo Mountain. 🏔️

En Route

What I Saw This Weekend

Football isn’t the only spectacle that caught my eyes this weekend. In fact, I saw the California Honeydrops live in Cincinnati on Saturday night. Never head of them? I figured. They play some sweet, funky tracks. Go check them out if you’re looking for a mellow jazz tune. Anyway, here are some other things worth noting from the weekend.

The Penguin Just Keeps Poppin

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When it comes to HBO’s The Penguin, my expectations were high but my goodness. After 5 episodes (the fifth having released at 9 PM last night), I am going to struggle to wait until next Sunday to see what happens now. I’m not going to spoil anything, but for those who haven’t seen it, picture this:

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But it’s awesome.

Colin Farrell and Cristin Milioti have been excellent. The dynamic between the two as they intertwine from their disturbing personal lives creates a spectacle of dramatic irony. I don’t care much for superheroes/villains, but I love The Sopranos, and I think the writers of this show feel the same way. There is never a dull moment as everyone in Gotham shows you what it means to be a gangster. Now let’s get down to business.

The show is a cinematic marvel (speaking of Marvel, I’m a DC guy, but Spiderman is cool). The aesthetic of every shot is as chilling as the narrative. Visually, the show is incredible. On the other hand, every scene is outlined very well. Whenever you think a scene has a guaranteed outcome, you are pleasantly surprised. In other words, don’t bother trying to guess what happens. That’s something I really like. However, some of the dialogue is tacky and unnecessary. There are quite a few moments where I wish a line explained or acknowledged something else.

At the end of the day, I’m really impressed with The Penguin. I’m giving it an 88🌇 on the heater meter.

Feeling: Like you’re trick-or-treating, and you see the “please take one” bowl on the porch next door. 😏

MaXXXine Will Drive You Mad

You know what really sweetens my tea? Movies about making movies. Babylon, The Fabelmans, even Zack and Miri Make a Porno are all titles that I can appreciate. Sadly, Ti West’s MaXXXine will not be joining the list.

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“In 1980s Hollywood, adult film star and aspiring actress Maxine Minx finally gets her big break. But as a mysterious killer stalks the starlets of Hollywood, a trail of blood threatens to reveal her sinister past.”

That’s the log line from IMDb. Sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it? A porn star gets put in a real movie and everything that steered her towards that lifestyle gets exposed at the worst time! Sounds like a great concept! Well, that’s what it is… a good concept. You want to feel disgusting for 30 minutes and then confused for 60? Watch MaXXXine.

At times, I really appreciated it for seemingly trying to make fun of old movies. There are moments where it clearly tries to present itself as a low-budget film from the 80s. Those parts are really cool. Depicting 80s Hollywood as it endured the terror of Richard Ramirez is a really neat aspect of this movie (check out the real documentary for that story too, it’s wild). Sadly, everything else about this 2024 movie is nonsense. To all my fellas out there, I present a challenge: watch the first 30 minutes without feeling uncomfortable. I bet you can’t! You’ll know what I’m talking about.

Yankees vs Dodgers… Works for Me!

Come on, it doesn’t get any better than this.

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I know everyone is upset that these pay-to-win teams are perfect evidence for why the MLB needs a salary cap, but I have to say, this is the best World Series matchup we have had in a long time.

With 2 rosters that could seemingly create their own All-Star team, some of the game’s biggest names will face off for the Commissioner’s Trophy.

You get to watch Aaron Judge face Shohei Ohtani in the World Series and you’re gonna get upset about it? Juan Soto and Mookie Betts? Freddie Freeman and Giancarlo Stanton? Stop.

Besides, this is the Yankees first WS appearance since 2009 and the Dodgers have only won 1 championship since the 80s. How much are those payrolls actually ruining your precious little baseball league?

Gucci Mane Clearly Reads the Cheap Vacation

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If you opened Friday’s edition of the Cheap Vacation, you read my critique of Gucci’s album, The Greatest of All Trappers. Unfortunately, I found it about as disappointing as an Applebee’s steak. Roughly 6 hours after the newsletter released, Gucci announced that he was dropping every member of his label, 1017, aside from “Pooh” and “Foo.”

Granted, I have not looked into the rationale for this decision. Gucci’s recorded statement above suggests that he made the decision out of need rather than want. While there are countless possibilities for why this is happening, I wish 1017 all the best and (perhaps selfishly) hope some good music comes from this. Read More

However, that leaves Bic Fizzle, BigWalkDog, Big Scarr, Brezden, FTO Sett, Hotboy Wes, KATO2X, Li Rye, Lil Zay, Mac Critter, and TLE Cinco without labels. I don’t know about you, but when I read this, I thought, “who the heck are these people?” So, I did what any good journalist does and listened to each artist’s top 5 songs on Spotify so that I could put them in a Dance Moms pyramid.

Lil Zay

KATO2X, TLE Cinco

Big Scarr, BigWalkDog, Hotboy Wes

Bic Fizzle, Mac Critter, FTO Sett, Li Rye, Brezden

*Left to right = better to worse. Listen at your own risk.

Descent

1. Beware Netflix fans! These are the 5 best movies leaving Netflix in October.

2. James Taylor inducted Jimmy Buffett into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Taylor called Buffett a “Hero.” He’s right. R.I.P.

3. Did you know Minnie Mouse has never been in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? She will be this year. Check out what else will be strolling at the 98th Annual Parade.

4. The New York Liberty won their first WNBA championship in franchise history! Check out the recap of their thrilling overtime win! (If you think it’s disrespectful for me to put this in the descent below Minnie Mouse, I put these in as I uncover them.)

5. This cake recipe literally claims to be “better than sex.” That sounds like a bold claim until you see the website is titled, “30 seconds.” That sure seems like they’re hinting at something. Perhaps good cake?

6. Have you seen any of 100 best movies ever made? If you’ve seen 2 or more of the first 10, I’d consider you a real movie buff.

Takeoff

I Walk the Line… At Mcdonalds

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So, I’m sure all of you got a random suggested Instagram post 2 years back about this Saudi Arabian “alternative way of life.” In case you forgot about that, things are really picking up with that. Starting a tweet with “What if we could start again” is a chilling line you’d get in a dystopian movie trailer.

Well, Neom’s “The Line” intends to revolutionize urban living by making everything convenient, communal, and, somehow, environmentally friendly. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to work because we’ve seen what happens when a few trees grow in a confined area in the middle of the desert… it’s called The Maze Runner. And when Thomas & Co. leave the maze in the sequels, everything sucks… including the sequels.

I’m all for an ambitious project. I mean I’m writing a newsletter after all. The line plans to stretch 170 kilometers. I hope to write 170 editions. But I’ll tell you what though, The Cheap Vacation doesn’t demand 20% of the worlds steel. You really should check out some of the numbers in that article. Neom is building some gnarly stuff in Saudi Arabia.

Let’s at least spin this into a more positive conversation. If everything you could ask for was within a 5-minute walk, what would you put right next to you? The Line is only projected to complete the first 5 kilometers by 2030, so we’ve got some time to think about it. Perhaps a gym? An arcade? An erotic massage parlor? Maybe even a McDonalds. Oh, McDonald’s. Did you hear Donald Trump is working at McDonald’s?

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In an ongoing dispute where Trump claims Kamala Harris lied about working at McDonald’s while she was in college, the former President will be working the fryer at one of the Pennsylvania locations this Sunday to officially make his point… and a few McCrispys?

With Harris holding a slight lead in Pennsylvania, Trump will make this move for publicity in the Keystone state. Customers should expect to receive a Filet-o-fired, Sausage & Egg McWinning, and a few fries that may or may not be hair.

En Route

What I Know for Sure

This is the title of the hit book by Oprah Winfrey and for good reason. Knowing something with utmost certainty can only lead to one thing: confidence. Now, if I was Oprah, I’d be pretty confident in myself too. But, for the rest of us bozos going into the weekend, we’ll take all the confidence we can get.

As I reflect on things before leaving work on Friday, here’s what I know for sure that will have me looking like a talk show host with a limitless bag as I clash with my boys at the bar.

The Heisman Race is like Lemons on a Tree: Juicy and Up for Grabs

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What more could you ask for in a Heisman race? A two-way player and a running back from Boise State. Now, I know everyone wants to hate on Colorado. Granted, they’ve boastfully asked for it. Plus, I know everyone likes a good underdog. I mean screw it; I’ll give the Heisman to Zach Zebrowski who leads the nation with 2540 passing yards and 24 passing touchdowns for Central Missouri.

But seriously, I don’t think Jeanty should be this big of a favorite. Was Travis Hunter wrong to say, “it’s not like we haven’t seen a running back that’s good?” Yes. In fact, the last time a running back was this good was Barry Sanders in 1988. No Travis, you have not seen a running back that’s THIS good.

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With weaker teams like UNLV, San Diego State, and Nevada on the upcoming schedule for Boise State, Jeanty is going to have to break Barry’s record to win this Heisman. It’s certainly doable, but things can happen.

For Travis, I’d argue that he just needs to keep up his current production in the Big 12 and he’ll be sitting in New York with a real good shot to win the trophy. Come on, it’s fair to say he’s having the most impressive season in the country.

Gucci Mane Made a Poor Case for Greatest Trapper

Greatest Of All Trappers - Gangsta Grillz Edition

Gucci Mane · Album · 2024 · 12 songs

open.spotify.com/album/2YaNo3GoShVwNxP7nEPrPD?si=fOfUNOBYQuqXsF0Ts_qsQQ

As an English major from the suburbs, I recognize that I lack the credibility necessary to evaluate one’s ability to trap. However, if being “The Greatest of All Trappers” bears any reflection of your music, Gucci Mane’s album The Greatest of All Trappers is quite misleading.

I recognize that dealing drugs is a crucial element to “trapping,” so I hope Gucci Mane is successfully pushing all of the weight he claims because this album really isn’t great.

Some takeaways/stats from The Greatest of all Trappers:

1. Best Song: Chanel Bag (feat JT)

2. Best Beats: Hypocrites, One Thing About It

3. Number of “No Diddy’s” in TakeDat: 121

4. Overall rating on the heater meter: 29 🤧

   Feeling: The worst hotel ever but give it a free breakfast buffet and a hot tub with strobe lights.

Someone with more credibility than myself needs to make a list of Greatest Trappers. I would love to inspect that.

The Folks at WatchMojo Clearly Did Not Play Call of Duty, Candy Crush, or Enough Minecraft

I’m a big list guy. Whenever the people at WatchMojo drop a polarizing list like this one, I’m the first to critique. Luckily, this one contains multiple flaws.

Whether you watched the video or not, my title implied that Call of Duty and Candy Crush were missing from the list. They were.

Before you bash me for playing Call of Duty, I’m not talking about what we’ve been spoiled with over the last few years. I can say Drake is at G.O.A.T. status while admitting he put out a few stinkers like Honestly, Nevermind. I’m not even sure why I linked that… you’re not gonna go listen to that.

The hype and dedication for Modern Warfare 1-4, Black Ops 1-3, and even a couple other titles that I had to convince my mom to let me play are seemingly unmatched in the gaming community.

Think about how many prestige masters, diamond camo-ers, and easter egg finders are out there that are just your buddy Jake. The COD grind was addicting, and it should not go unnoticed.

While they didn’t explain the criteria in the video, I know mobile games were allowed! Pokemon Go had a spot. Now, I know that 2016 summer was an electric run, but have you seen the numbers that Candy Crush put up?

I know we’ve all seen our aunt playing it at the bank, check-out line, and halftime of their kid’s soccer game, but it isn’t just the soccer mom’s craving those tasty combos.

As of 2022, Candy Crush had amassed over 3.4 billion downloads. Is that nuts or what? At this point, probably half the world has downloaded the game, meaning that people are more likely to have downloaded Candy Crush than they are to have seen snow.

Lastly, Minecraft placed third on the list behind (spoilers) World of Warcraft and Grand Theft Auto V. Now, I can’t speak on WoW, I mean that South Park episode is fire, but I don’t hear about guaranteed annual 2-week phases of WoW.

On the other hand, would people play Grand Theft Auto V if they just put out VI already? Riddle me that, WatchMojo.

Boogie Cousins Don’t Know Ball

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First of all, I’m going to assume that Boogie thinks all of these guys are strictly Centers and Giannis (who would be the third tallest on the list) is strictly a power forward. Otherwise, leaving out the Greek Freak would be ridiculous.

Anyway, here’s how the list should go:

1. Jokic

2. Ad

3. Joel

4. Wemby

5. Bam

Let’s start with the top three. Jokic, first of all, just is the best big in the league and I don’t think anybody wants to debate that. On the other hand, who would you rather have on your team: Ad or Joel? Sure, Embiid gives you more points per game in the regular season, but Ad gives me more rebounds, efficiency, and points in the playoffs.

Why? Because he is a better overall player. Choose any stat besides points from this past Olympic Basketball Tournament and Ad will look better than Joel.

Now, of the 8 people that read this, there’s about a 30% percent chance that you’re a UK fan. That means that demoting Bam beneath Wemby might have a few of you in a tizzy.

But come on.

Wemby is a 7’4” demigod that can play point guard. We haven’t seen that since NBA 2k15. Wemby has a deeper offensive bag than Bam and, I’ll say it, he’s a better defender.

I know, I know, “Bam’s the best defender in the league.” Okay, well at least people are willing to shoot against Bam. Even if it’s just from size, Wemby literally scares NBA hoopers away from the paint. As long as Wemby develops a little more, I think he’ll be in the top 2 of everyone’s list by January.

Descent

1. Nvidia just launched llama-3_1-nemotron-70b. A brand-new AI source that seems a lot better than ChatGPT. Don’t let the code-looking interface scare you. This thing looks sick.

2. ESPN ranked the top 100 players in the NBA. You and Boogie Cousins should check out the lists!

3. Google signed the world’s first corporate agreement to buy nuclear power for AI's energy needs. Must be why my laptop sounds like a SpaceX rocket when I use AI.

4. Who doesn’t love cheese? Sadly, like most good foods, too much can be problematic. Check out the Cheeses To Eat If You Want to Lose Weight.

5. Yeat’s new album, Lyfestyle, looks like the Lyfestyle of Ed, Edd, and Eddy if they stayed with Courage the Cowardly Dog and had access to Rick Sanchez’ lab.

6. HBO’S The Penguin just keeps poppin! Episode 4 is One of Highest Rated TV Episodes Ever.

7. Google isn’t the only one with nukes. Check out Jhonkensy Noel’s absolute pimp job that saved the Guardians in the bottom of the ninth, helping them steal game 3 at home against the Yankees. Merry Christmas, Cleveland.

Takeoff

Mojo Mountain

The NFL season is a third of the way complete. After 6 games, a few shots of Patrick Patrone, and some Famous Jameis cookies, a group of NFL savants (me) gathered to conduct a ranking based on the most telling evaluation in all of sports:

How are your vibes?

Thus, creating a mountain-style ranking based on how fans should be feeling through 6 weeks. I give you… Mojo Mountain

While the peak is at the top, newsletters are read top to bottom, so this will be presented as an inverse mountain, starting off with the stinkers.

“That Guy” on New Year’s Eve

Titans, Panthers, Jaguars, Raiders, Cowboys

What does your one tacky friend say on New Years Eve when he leaves the function? SEE YA NEXT YEAR!

The Washington Wizards

Browns, Rams, Dolphins, Cardinals, Giants

Let’s face it, in a time where nobody is eliminated, you’re not making the playoffs. You all have players I like which makes it even more depressing. Brutal to be a fan here.

The Spidey Sense

Saints, Patriots, Broncos, Colts

All 4 of you have kids running around at QB that show potential like Peter Parker. But what does the Spidey Sense indicate? Somethin ain’t right.

Receivers, Believers, and Underachievers

Jets, Bengals, Seahawks, Eagles

Good weapons, and occasionally good-to-great quarterback play, but what else ya got besides that? These are all fans that I’d call somewhat delusional, so at least you’re still confident unlike the fans of the teams behind you. I, however, lack faith.

Definitely, Maybe

Bills, Steelers, Falcons, Chargers

For each of these teams, there is something that definitely works. For the Bills, the quarterback is definitely a beast. For the Steelers, the quarterback is so much better than last year that he got benched for Russel Wilson. Either way, that Ryan Reynolds movie is a 7.1/10 on IMDB and that’s exactly what I would rate these teams.

Windshield Not the Rearview Mirror

Ravens, Texans, Bears, 49ers

As Jelly Roll would say, don’t let the past bring you down. All of these teams have rosters that are seemingly coming into their own and are starting to look like legit contenders.

Syndrome’s Robot

Commanders, Lions, Packers, Vikings, Buccaneers

These boys are cooking. The only thing that can seemingly take them down is themselves and/or a Mr. Incredible-esque performance. Coincidentally, they are all NFC teams, so they’ll have to go through each other to get to the Super Bowl.

Windshield, Rearview Mirror, I don’t Know. It Doesn’t Matter Where You Look Cause It’s an Electric Convertible That Drives Itself.

Chiefs

A bye week this week felt like a Cheap Vacation for the league knowing they didn’t have to watch the Chiefs squeak out a win on some bogus again.

Thank you for climbing Mojo Mountain.

En Route

Rose, Bud, Thorn

You ever sat around the dinner table and played this game? Well, for those who don’t know, the “Rose, Bud, Thorn” is an opportunity for everyone to declare something they are grateful for (Rose), something they are looking forward to (Bud), and something that burdened them (Thorn).

And in the middle of the week, when things might look a little grim, it’s important to stop and reflect on things in a positive way.

Rose

Championship Baseball

The MLB is on fire with an incredible start to the League Championships.

After the Dodgers wacked the Mets by 9 runs, the Mets came right back the next day and thumped the Dodgers in their own ballpark. Plus, check out this little tidbit:

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Things are getting juicy, folks. The boys will be back in New York for game 3 tonight on FS1. The first pitch will be thrown at the time Spartacus goes to bed. #IFKYK

And Yankees vs Guardians is no snoozer either.

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Okay, okay, I get it. The Yanks are up 2-0 and I’m the only one happy about it outside of New York. What can I say? The Yankees in the World Series would be sick against either NL Championship team. Besides, how much do you talk about last year’s matchup between the Rangers and Diamondbacks? That’s what I thought.

Bud

Lonzo is Back Baby

If you were even remotely a basketball fan in 2016, this should have you amped up like John Wall’s high school highlights:

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If you made a tier list of basketball stuff, the 2016 Chino Hills varsity basketball team would be chilling in the “S” tier next to Nike Elite Socks and the 3 weeks of Linsanity.

After almost 3 years of Zo-less hoops, the captain of the greatest high school basketball team ever will return to the hardwood. Kids today will never know how important this is to basketball culture. And let’s not forget, more ball brothers means more Lavar.

Lonzo and the Bulls tipoff against the Timberwolves @ 8:00 PM EST.

Bud #2

Anora

Why not have 2 buds, huh? That makes me sound like I’m trying to double-fist some horrible beer. Never mind. Anyway, I hope everyone has more than one thing to look forward to.

Second only to Lonzo’s return, I cannot wait to watch Sean Baker’s Anora.

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I don’t even know what “fiery gusto” is! Doesn’t matter. That sounds epic.

Justin Chang of The New Yorker called it a Strip-Club Cinderella Story. That seems like an oxymoron if I’ve ever seen one, but an apparent masterpiece, nonetheless.

Thorn

The Wretched Wendy’s Krabby Patty

*SpongeBob narrator voice: Ah, the Krabby Patty… it looks like crap.

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@KirbyCheatFurby isn’t the only nautical friend that feels cheated by this marketing ploy. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I got this exact same thing in a Biggie Bag back in June. The lack of effort, detail, and quality in the presentation is wildly disappointing, making it a total thorn.

I’m not going to act like the burger tasted bad. It didn’t. In fact, I ate the whole thing. I would have just preferred a more “Krusty” presentation. If you want a more detailed review, check out this immediate reaction from penguinz0:

Regardless, the Wendy’s Krabby Patty Meal gets a 45 ☔ on the heater meter. After all, it is still a Wendy’s burger and that frosty has some goodness.

Feeling: When you finally steal the secret formula and realize they were eating your cousins the whole time.

Descent

1. Recent addition to the 76ers, Paul George, suffered a hyperextended left knee. Luckily, it doesn’t appear to be too serious.

2. Worried you’re drinking too much coffee? Think again! It’s one of the 7 Simple Habits That Lead to Better Brainpower, According to Neuroscience.

3. Curious about what’s actually in the food you eat? Try Yuka! Yuka is a mobile app that scans your products and exposes the dangerous things that lurk within them.

4. Kamala Harris sat down with Charlamagne Tha God. How about that clash? Here are 5 key moments from Kamala Harris' interview with Charlamagne Tha God assuming you would prefer a speedrun.

5. I’ll be honest, I would have said Terrifier 3 was another Bud of mine… but I don’t know if I can handle it. Check out the Official Trailer at your own risk.

6. Kendrick Lamar took home 8 trophies at this year’s BET Hip Hop Awards. What’s even crazier is that the show was held at a nightclub. What’s even crazier than that is Soulja Boy brought out Roscoe Dash to perform All the Way Turnt Up. Can’t lie, it was sick.

Takeoff

With the Presidential Election just 1 spooky season away, many people are going to their classic podcast outlet to get a better read on the candidates.

As of October 7th, the difference in total podcast views between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris is pretty staggering.

Just look at the tweet below.

Twitter tweet

Now, the only thing I know about Bad Hombre is that my buddy used to call me that after a few shots of tequila.

But then again, maybe there is something to be said about this information, and it doesn’t actually have to do with the election.

Is the podcast wave barreling into politics? Maybe. Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC all saw a ratings drop during September that makes you wonder if podcasts are the new media source for political campaigns.

So, can Donald Trump chatting with Theo Von have an impact on the polls? We’ll see. But it certainly does have an impact on your wallet. As long as YouTube remains a free-to-watch platform, it won’t struggle to sustain views while other outlets like CNN implement a freakin paywall.

Twitter tweet

I’ve done some stupid things in my day but pay dollars for gotdang CNN sure as hell will not be one of em.

En Route

The Real Votes

Everybody loves a good poll that doesn’t mash your uncle’s taters at Thanksgiving.

When it comes to the other, more important things going on in the world, I have to showcase who gets my vote on things that won’t appear on the ballot at your local middle school.

KSI vs Adin Ross

Vote: KSI

Leave it to the Trending Page on X to relapse me back to DramaAlert. Alas, I could not help myself when I saw these two beefing over KSI’s song “Thick of It.”

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While I don’t give much attention to either of these goofballs, I had to hear this song.

And the Backyardigans would be mad disappointed.

HOWEVER, this song is not nearly as bad as Adin Ross made it out to be. It’s no worse than the garbage that spoiled the third slot on my Release Radar this week. And that shit has a cypher-esque lineup.

All in all, “Thick of It” by KSI (feat. Trippie Redd) gets a 31 🥶 on the Heater Meter.

Feeling: Like you got a hole in your pocket and your keys just touched your leg.

Adin Ross vs Hurricane Survival Streamers

Vote: THIS IS BOGUS

You thought my DramaAlert rabbit hole ended there did ya? Hell no. Did you see what else this man got himself into?

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My boy went into the Milton with an air mattress and some Tic Tacs like it’s an episode of Regular Show to receive 70k from Adin Ross.

Then this happened.

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I can’t help but think of the picture of a guy with an umbrella underneath a falling piano. Sadly, the “piano” in this case is an absolute “nah” bomb from Adin Ross that has MikeSmallsJr risking his life for seemingly nothing.

While this was a pretty ridiculous challenge to begin with, I’d sure as hell consider it. Either way, best of luck to all of those fighting their way through the tropical storms in the southeast. That is all the CV will say about that.

That goes for everybody by the way not just the freakin streamers…

MLB Miracle: Yes or No?

VOTE: SORTA

I mean you don’t get to say it often, but how about the freakin baseball this week? Granted, I’m writing this at 7:39 on Wednesday Oct. 9th. The Tigers took game 3 over the Guardians, the Mets are up 4-1 on the Phils, and the Yanks and Royals are scoreless through 2. I really hope I didn’t jinx it, and this vote becomes one for the Transformers movie.

Playoff baseball ratings have skyrocketed 41% for good reason. With Shohei Ohtani’s debut, Francisco Lindor’s dominance, and Bobby Witt’s fight against the mighty Yanks, we can finally say baseball is back to being exciting on a nightly basis. And I'd call that a slight miracle.

However, I got an issue with this “Miracle Mets” nonsense.

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Did the Mets squeak by the D-Backs for the final NL Wild Card slot? Sure! Did they clinch their first series at Citi Field by upsetting the Phillies to go to the NLCS? You betcha!

But do they also have the highest freaking payroll in baseball? You bet your sweet ass they do.

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Calling the Mets a Miracle is like saying Jaden Smith made it out the mud. Has Jaden had some good performances? Sure, the Karate Kid had my dad tearing up in the theater. And I can’t take the playoff wins away from the Mets either, but don’t act like they earned all that VC by grinding their 2k MyCareers from Juco.

Fast Forward: Championship Series

Vote: WHERE THE MONEY IS

If you squeaked any baseball into the action-packed football weekend, you noticed that the three highest paid teams made their championship series.

Aside from the No-Money-Spent Cleveland Guardians, the Mets, Yankees, and Dodgers are one credit card swipe away from competing for a World Series Title. Now, I know what you’re thinking… Let’s go Guardians! Well, a David to these Greedy Goliaths is a cool story, but I might sound like a hypocrite right here.

The Yankees need to win this series.

I know! I know! I’m sorry Ma! But the Yankees will guarantee an epic Series Showdown with either National League contender.

Yankees vs. Dodgers would be a gnarly clash between star-studded lineups. The brutal bats of Aaron Judge and Shohei Ohtani would be a match made in heaven for the MLB.

And I mean Yankees vs. Mets would just be flat out sick. Nuff said.

Sorry Cleveland, but this is not for you.

Joker vs Mental Health

Vote: MENTAL HEALTH

Wednesday, October 10th was #WorldMentalHealthDay. As always, check in on the people close to you and find ways to escape what’s bothering you. All of us could use a Cheap Vacation once in a while. Here’s a list of simple ways to boost your mental health:

• Go for a walk. Clear your mind and get some easy exercise.

• Write. Whether it’s a journal of positive affirmations, thanksgivings, or reminders so you don’t forget to feed your cat, all can make you feel a little better.

• Get stoned. What? I’m not gonna lie to you. Might be good for some of ya.

Now here’s a list of things to avoid when trying to boost your mental health:

• Wasting $18 to go see Joker: Folie à Deux. That movie is garbo.

Box Office: ‘Joker 2’ Stumbles With Lackluster $40 Million Debut

“Joker: Folie à Deux" didn't live up to its predecessor in its box office debut.

variety.com/2024/film/box-office/joker-2-box-office-opening-weekend-1236166378

People are leaving the theater like a sad Arthur Fleck after this disappointing performance. The $40 million debut is well below the expectations and the reviews could not be worse.

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Felt that one Kev. People are furious with how many musical numbers polluted the highly anticipated sequel. Hopefully you’ll see a better musical at church this Christmas.

Descent

1. The NY Jets have fired their defensive Head Coach Robert Saleh since Aaron Rodgers has played bad and the defense has been good.

2. Rafael Nadal has announced his retirement from Tennis after 22 Grand Slams featuring 14 French Open Titles.

3. Cam Newton makes his broadcasting debut on ESPN’s First Take while Kendrick Perkins deals with backlash over his “predatory” company Nilly.

4. What do Beetlejuice, Chipotle Burritos, and Sabrina Carpenter have in common? They’re The most popular Halloween costumes this year.

5. Friday, October 11th was absolutely loaded with new albums headlined by Charli xcx, Rod Wave, GloRilla, and BigXthaPlug. See who else dropped potential bangers.

6. Talk Tuah hosted JoJo Siwa and the freakin Rizzler played basketball at MSG with Jamal Crawford. Makes ya feel good knowing ya got a newsletter with less than 10 subscribers…

7. Week 6 of the NFL season was mostly one-sided as games finished with an average margin of victory of 15 points. All I can say is the Lions are back, Joe Flacco has thrown 2 touchdowns in 8 straight regular season games, and Drake Maye is not bad. Check out the biggest takeaways presented by Disney Channel.

8. Perhaps the greatest weekend in college football history showcased some wild matchups with even more wild results. However, I’m an Ohio State fan so here’s a link to the scoreboard on Yahoo. Thank you now get off my plane.