We think we’re asking for data, but we’re often asking for emotional regulation.

💚 Welcome to the weekly newsletter for ambitious leaders staying sharp and staying human in the age of AI.

Every edition is:

• Curated: One standout piece I read, watched, or listened to this week + my riff on what it means for you

• Counterintuitive: A surprising angle that shifts how you see your day-to-day.

• Cross-pollinated: Draws unexpected connections between the worlds I live in—sales, sports, and Stanford.

📬 If you like this, share it to a fellow leader. It’s the ultimate low-lift way to stay connected to the people you care about when your calendar has zero room for 30-minute Zoom catch ups.

The Problem

You’re right in the middle of deep work when the anxious Slack spray begins.

Your CEO fires off a random, tactical ping: "Where are we on headcount for the engineering team?"

You’re busy, so you fire back a literal answer: "Three final rounds tomorrow." Box checked. You go back to your day.

But two days later, the CEO is back and nit-picking your latest sprint. Everyone is frustrated.

Why? Because you answered the headcount question they asked, not the pressure they were actually feeling. Their underlying panic wasn't about your recruiting funnel. It was about the fact that the current team is working nights and weekends, and they are terrified that their best engineer is going to quit from burnout.

We often treat communication like a transactional vending machine. Question goes in, data comes out. But when all we do is exchange surface-level data, we strip away the one thing AI cannot provide: emotional context.

The Discovery

Wes Kao is great. Not only is she an incredible teacher-entrepreneur-writer, but I really enjoy chatting coaching and life with her. She recently shared her brilliant piece¹ on finding "the question behind the question" and her premise is spot on: people rarely ask what they actually want to know.

I saw this every day in enterprise sales. A prospect asks, "Is your platform SOC-2 compliant?" If you cheerfully reply, "Why yes, we are!" you’ve missed the point. The question beneath the question is almost always steeped in stress. What they are actually asking is, "Is my CISO going to block this deal at the 11th hour and make me look like an idiot for championing it?"

We know we have to anticipate the question beneath the questions we receive. But let's flip the mirror: 

What about the questions we ask our own teams?

When we’re stressed and fire off rapid-fire tactical questions, we think we are asking for data. We aren’t. What’s underneath our questions is often an ask for emotional regulation.

But, when you fire off a ping without naming your underlying pressure, your team can smell your anxiety, but they are only allowed to respond to your data request. You stay stressed, and they are forced to play the guessing game to figure out what is actually driving the urgency.

One of the core principles of Interpersonal Dynamics, a Stanford GSB course I facilitate on managing conflict, is a neuroscience concept called Affect Labeling. In other words, naming your emotions. Dr. Matthew Lieberman at UCLA ran fMRI studies² proving that explicitly naming an emotion or stressor out loud physically decreases activity in the amygdala (your brain's alarm system) and increases activity in the prefrontal cortex (your logic center). In the course we invite students to name their emotions, and in the process self-regulate so they can work through a miscommunication with more clarity to ask for what they want.

You can do this, too.

The Experiment

This week, before you hit send on a "quick question" to your team, run it through this filter:

1. Affect label your own pressure.

Are you asking about the timeline because you actually care about the Gantt chart? Or are you asking because the board meeting is next week and you are terrified you have nothing shiny to show them? Pinpoint the stressor for yourself first to quiet your own amygdala.

2. Ask for what you actually need.

When you get clear on the feeling behind your stress, you can more easily stop making your team play detective. You don’t have to confess your existential dread, but you do need to give them the context behind the ask.

Change your ping from: "Where are we on the Q3 rollout?"

To: "I have a board prep meeting tomorrow and I want to make sure our product narrative is bulletproof. Can you give me two bullets on the Q3 rollout that show we are maintaining momentum?"

When you share the actual, emotional context behind your ask, you are giving them a reason to care. An emotional string that ties you two together. A response of, Oh big meeting, I know those nerves. Let me help.

The Takeaway

I spend my days thinking about how self-awareness is the ultimate leadership skill, how to teach it, and how to use it. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve found myself in a stress spin and just stopped and said out loud: What am I actually asking for here? What is the feeling? (often with my hands over my eyes to help me actually pinpoint the emotion) You already know that other people don’t always ask for what they really want. What you can do as a leader is to try your best to be the person who does.

Join the community of leaders staying sharp
and saying human in the age of AI.

To earn trust, your team needs to see your human progress bar.

💚 Welcome to the newsletter for ambitious leaders staying sharp and staying human in the age of AI.

Every edition is:

• Curated: One standout piece I read, watched, or listened to this week + my riff on what it means for you

• Counterintuitive: A surprising angle that shifts how you see your day-to-day.

• Cross-pollinated: Draws unexpected connections between the worlds I live in—sales, sports, and Stanford.

📬 If you like this, forward it to a fellow leader. It’s the ultimate low-lift way to stay connected to the people you care about when your calendar has zero room for 30-minute Zoom catch ups.

The Problem

You get your 360-degree review back and the feedback stings: You don't listen well. You rush to solutions.

In startup land, speed is the ultimate currency. Find the bug, deploy the patch, ship the update.

So, by Tuesday's team meeting, you are aggressively making eye contact. You are nodding so hard your neck hurts. You send a perfectly polished Slack message thanking everyone for their "candor." Box checked.

Not so fast.

Instead of looking like a self-aware leader, you look like an algorithm running an empathy script. You tried to fix a complex behavioral problem with the speed of a software update, and in the process, you shattered your own credibility.

The Discovery

I have the privilege of facilitating Frank Flynn’s executive communication course at Stanford GSB, and his recent research¹ destroys the myth that faster is always better.

We assume acting immediately proves we are taking feedback seriously. Frank’s data shows the exact opposite.

If you change an easy, mechanical behavior quickly (like sending meeting agendas in advance), people love it. But if you try to change a complex human behavior (like becoming a better listener) overnight, your team doesn’t think you’re responsive. They think you are faking it. Believability requires visible friction.

Harvard Business School researcher Ryan Buell² explains exactly why this happens through a concept called Operational Transparency.

Buell found that consumers trust a service significantly more when they can visibly see the "work" happening behind the scenes. Think of a travel website. If you hit "search" and it instantly spits out flight results, users are highly skeptical. But if the site shows a progress bar—visibly searching airlines, scanning databases, and doing the heavy lifting—trust skyrockets.

AI is the ultimate black box. It spits out flawless, empathetic-sounding apologies with zero visible effort. When you try to perfectly execute your 360 feedback by Tuesday, you are acting like a black box.

To earn trust, your team needs to see your human progress bar.

The Experiment

When you get tough behavioral feedback, your instinct is to prove you fixed it by tomorrow. Resist that urge.

This week, if you receive critical feedback, stop trying to show them the finish line. Show them the messy middle instead. Try these two steps:

1. Name the lag.

Instead of performing an immediate fix, explicitly buy yourself time to process the hit. Show them the system is thinking.

The Script: "I really hear this, and frankly, it's hard to digest. I want to sit with this for a few days before I react so I can actually understand my blind spots."

2. Show the progress bar in real-time.

Real change is clunky. When you inevitably slip back into your old habits, don't hide it. Call it out before they do.

The Script: "I know I committed to making space for other opinions, but I just realized I totally cut you off again. That's my bad. I'm still actively working on this. Please keep holding me accountable."

The Takeaway

When executives learn how to use AI for communication, the very first thing they try to automate is the uncomfortable stuff: the apology email, the post-360 feedback response, the perfectly empathetic Slack message.

When you try to rush personal growth to appease your team, you trade believability for speed. In an era where anyone can generate a flawless leadership script with a single keystroke, perfectly polished words hold less and less weight.

Stop trying to prove you are perfect, and start proving you are trying. Show them the progress bar.

Join the community of leaders staying sharp
and saying human in the age of AI.

✨ Welcome to the newsletter helping ambitious leaders build influence and confidence to lead authentically.

🌱 If what you’re reading resonates, pass it on to a colleague or friend. It’s a low-lift way to be the person who circulates the good stuff and says, "I’m thinking of you," without having to schedule a meeting.

The Problem

You know recognition matters. You want to give it. But right before you speak, the internal editor kicks in.

First, you question the frequency.

If I say "good job" today, do I have to do it tomorrow?

If I praise too often, I look like a cheerleader, not a leader.

Then, you question the substance.

This sounds fluffy. It feels performative.

If I’m not specific enough, they will roll their eyes.

You’ve spent years curating a reputation for high standards. The fear is that "nice" words will erode that hard-won edge—swapping your authority for forced positivity.

The Discovery

In the executive communication course I facilitate at Stanford GSB, we dedicate an entire module to praise.

The initial skepticism is understandable. Is this really a good use of our time? Isn’t this basic? I’m here for high-level strategy, not compliments.

But then, we ask them to run the experiment. We ask them to give praise that is specific, authentic, and meaningful.

When they come back, minds are blown. They are astonished not just by how their teammates lit up from the praise, but by how good it felt to give it.

This isn’t just about "feeling good," though. In Interpersonal Dynamics, another course I facilitate at Stanford, we reframe praise as a form of feedback. It is a deposit of relationship capital. It builds the trust you need so that when things get rocky—and they will—your relationship can withstand the turbulence.

We tend to view praise as "extra." But the absence of praise isn't neutral. It creates a vacuum.

When you hold back, your team is left to fill in the blanks. They are stuck playing The Guessing Game.

Guessing what you value.

Guessing whether they’re on track.

Guessing whether that extra effort even registered.

That guessing consumes energy. Energy that should be spent on the work, but is instead wasted on managing anxiety.

The Experiment

We are told constantly that praise needs to be "specific." But the interpretation of specificity is usually where leaders trip up. We tend to think specificity means reciting a play-by-play of what the person did. But a list of tasks isn't praise, it’s a receipt.

To move from receipts to meaningful influence, try expanding your praise into these dimensions. You don't need to use all of them every time, but try testing one per interaction.

1. Observable Behavior

This is the baseline. Research highlights this because it grounds the praise in reality. However, while citing the behavior is necessary, it is not sufficient. It describes what happened, but leaves out why it mattered.

• The Shift: Move from labeling the person to describing the action.

• The Script: Instead of "You’re a great team player," try: "When you paused your own work to walk Ryan through the new accounts..."

2. Emotional Impact

Many of you manage people who are more specialized than you are. They know if they did a "good job" technically—often better than you do. What they don’t know is how you feel about it.

• The Shift: Move from validating the work to sharing your reaction.

• The Script: "When you stepped in to help Ryan, I felt an immense sense of relief. I was worried about his ramp-up time, and knowing you were there allowed me to focus on the board deck."

3. Organizational Impact

You sit in a unique seat. You see how the pieces connect in a way your team often cannot. Don't assume they see the downstream effects of their work; connect the dots for them.

• The Shift: Move from the isolated task to the ripple effect.

• The Script: "Because you handled that client escalation with so much patience, you preserved our relationship with a key renewal account. That protects our Q4 goals."

4. Growth Reflection

We are with ourselves 24/7, which makes it nearly impossible to see our own incremental growth. It’s like watching a child grow—you don't notice the change day-to-day, but someone who visits once a month sees it instantly. You are that visitor.

• The Shift: Move from a snapshot of today to a comparison of their trajectory.

• The Script: "Six months ago, you would have jumped straight to a decision. Today, you pressure-tested the team with contrarian views first. That shows me you are becoming more strategic in your facilitation."

5. The Inquiry

Finally, you don't have to do all the talking. Sometimes the best way to validate someone is to treat their work as a case study worth learning from. It invites them to share their thinking, which is often more valuable than the result itself.

• The Shift: Move from delivering a compliment to asking a question.

• The Script: "That rollout was incredibly smooth. How did you do it? What was your process? I’d love to understand how you thought through the sequencing."

The Takeaway

It’s the difference between my husband telling me, "I see how hard you’re working on your newsletter" (observable behavior)...

...and me wanting to bury my head and hide because I don’t know the ending of that sentence. Is he annoyed I’m working late? Does he think I’m wasting my time?

Versus him telling me:

"I see how hard you’re working on the newsletter (observable behavior). I think it’s so cool what you’re sharing (emotional impact). It’s clearly helping a lot of people (broader impact). You’ve gotten so much faster and your writing is tighter (growth). What changed in your process (inquiry)?"

One leaves me anxious. The other leaves me seen.

Feel the difference?

But here is the catch: I only got to the second version because I knew how to ask for it.

When you understand the anatomy of meaningful praise, you don’t just become a better praise giver. You become better at teaching the people around you—your boss, your peers, your partner—how to give you the recognition you actually need.

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The Problem

You wanted the role, you asked for it, you got it. Amazing.

But what often comes next is that the work changes quickly. Decisions carry more weight. More people are paying attention. The margin for error narrows.

In the middle of that shift, it’s common to start feeling resistance to the very responsibility you wanted. Thoughts can surface like: 

Oh I actually have to fire this person?
There are way too many people asking me for too many things.
I don’t know what call to make here. I literally have no idea what to do.

And before you know it, you’re shirking your new responsibility instead of stepping up to the challenge.

The Discovery

After I was promoted to lead our company’s largest, most strategic accounts—the ones the exec team was watching closely—I found myself talking to a senior colleague about these clients and asked, “You’ll be on those calls with me, right?”

She paused. Looked at me carefully. And said, “No.”

In that moment I realized, a little horrified, Oh. I’m on my own.

I had received the promotion. But I hadn’t embraced the responsibility yet. Instead, I was still hoping someone would share the load and absorb the risk. It turns out I was a little scared of the spotlight that came with the role I wanted.

The responsibility of the new role felt heavy. The new visibility left me feeling exposed. Any decision I made felt like a gamble. 

I’ve seen this same pattern with many leaders I coach—both in new professional roles and in deeply personal ones. There’s the phase of discovering what you want. Then the courage to ask for it. And then there’s another phase: owning what you’ve been given.

Owning what you’ve been given requires a shift in mindset—from Why is this happening to me? to This is mine to carry, and I’m here for it.

The Experiment

These prompts are about noticing where there’s opportunity to turn towards the responsibility of your role rather than stepping back from it.

1. When am I still acting as if someone else is in charge?

2. What identity from a previous role am I still holding onto?

3. Where might I be shifting my own discomfort onto others?

4. What is one place where taking more ownership would matter most?

5. If someone were observing me, how would they know I was taking more ownership?

6. What would feel different internally if I stepped into this role more fully?

7. What ownership experiment am I willing to run this month?

For the next month, what’s:

• One behavior I will start:

• One behavior I will stop:

8. At the end of the month, what did I learn about how I relate to responsibility and ownership?

The Takeaway

Like most things, ownership often grows through small choices made consistently. Sometimes the structure changes before we do. Titles, scope, and expectations shift, but our internal sense of ownership lags behind. The aim is to notice when you’re dodging the responsibility you wanted, and become more deliberate about stepping forward.

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The Problem

You can hit your goals and still feel unsatisfied. You can have a “great year” on paper and wonder why it doesn’t feel good—why getting what you thought you wanted leaves you tired, flat, or disappointed.

What I’ve noticed, in my own life and in coaching sharp, capable leaders, is that this time of year we focus almost entirely on what to do next. We spend far less time paying attention to how we feel while we’re doing it.

The Discovery

This year, I worked with a voice coach and a therapist to help me make sense of motherhood. I can’t remember every insight or exercise we did together. But I remember how they were with me.

Empathetic. Steady. Curious. Even when the topic was hard, there was a feeling of possibility and creativity, like there were many ways we could work with what was in front of us.

People rarely remember our exact words. They remember our presence.

The same is true in conflict. I can replay moments where I don’t remember precisely what I said, but I remember the heat in my body and the sharpness in my voice. That emotional residue lingers far longer than the content.

If you’re a busy, ambitious person, your energy is a precious resource. So if you’re going to focus on a goal for next year, aim for the highest-leverage place—the part that people (including you) will remember: how you move through your days.

Instead of, “What do I want to accomplish?” ask:

How do I want to be while doing all this?

The Experiment

Step 1: Start with what you want to do

Write down everything you think you want to do next year.

The promotion.
The learning.
The health reset.
The creative projects.
The overdue life admin.

Get it all out. This is your Doing List.

Then put it aside. You’re not deleting it, you’re just not leading with it.

Step 2: Make a Being List

Now make a second list. Instead of actions, list traits, ways of being you want more access to.

Calm
Brave
Patient
Grounded
Curious
Playful
Decisive
Self-trusting
Spacious

Which trait feels most urgent? Which one, if you had more of it, would help the rest fall into place?

Circle that one. That’s your starting point.

Step 3: Ask what this trait makes possible

Now bring your Doing List back. Ask yourself:

• If I showed up with more of this trait, what would change about how I approach these Doing-Goals?

• What conversations would become easier?

• What decisions would stop dragging on?

• What would I stop forcing?

Traits expand what feels possible.

Step 4: Play with time

Look at this trait through a couple time horizons.

Zoom in — the next two weeks

• How would this quality show up in your next meeting?

• In how you start your mornings?

• In the way you speak to yourself when something doesn’t go as planned?

Turns out you don’t have to wait for a new year to be more of who you want to be.

Zoom out — 2030

• If I practiced this trait consistently (not perfectly) what could I build by 2030?

• What patterns might it slowly interrupt?

• What becomes possible when I’m no longer trying to force everything to happen right now?

We try to stuff everything into next year. It’s a lot to ask of twelve months. This longer view relieves the pressure to fix everything next year. It gives you room to dream bigger. 

We tend to overestimate what we can do in one year and underestimate what we can do in five.

The Takeaway

This month is an invitation to choose the traits that make your goals more likely and more sustainable. When I did this myself, the first trait that rose to the top was methodical. The next time, patience. The time after that, trust.

That’s how this work actually unfolds. One trait leads to the next in an ongoing conversation with yourself.

So as you head into 2026, keep your Doing-Goals. Just don’t stop there. Choose a way of being you want to practice. The real measure of a “great year” isn’t just what you accomplish. It’s who you become along the way.

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The Problem

The other day I was asking myself the ultimate question, What do I want?

Most of us spend a lifetime dodging that question. Not intentionally. It’s just we spend years absorbing what everyone else wants. What your parents wanted. What your early bosses wanted. What your industry insists a “serious person” should want. What “real leaders” supposedly aim for.

You soak up enough of that, and it starts to sound like your own voice.

Except it isn’t.

The Discovery

When I ask clients the question — What do you want? — the responses fall into a few familiar camps.

The honest shrug: “I don’t know.” (often followed by a nervous laugh)
Straightforward and true.

The rambling response.
The long, winding explanation that sounds like someone trying to sound clear, but the more they talk, the more obvious it becomes that they’re circling with no place to land.

Some people answer with fear.
“I mean… I definitely don’t want to go back to XYZ.”
Which is useful, but naming what you don’t want is not the same as naming what you do.

Others give the polished, socially acceptable response.
The line they think they should want. It comes out flat, like they’re repeating a script they memorized a long time ago but never believed.

And then there’s the bashful confession.
The pause followed “okay, this might sound crazy, but…”
Usually followed by a glimmer of their own voice coming through.

And I’m right there with them. I get murky when it’s been too long since I’ve asked myself the same question.

One of my tells? If someone asks me what I want, I immediately look away. The question lands so piercingly that my reflex is to avert my gaze like a kid being interrogated about the missing cookies.

Sometimes it’s because I really don’t know, and I think I should.
Other times, I do know. I just haven’t quite given myself permission to say it out loud yet.

Either way, it’s a sign: I’m overdue for a check-in.

The Experiment

Some of us tiptoe around our wants like we might scare them off.
Some of us treat wanting like a luxury we haven’t fully earned.
Some of us avoid it altogether, like that “update software” popup we keep hitting remind me later on.

So this month, I want you to sit with a few questions. A short pause in your very full life to take the temperature. 

Pull up a chair. Here are your prompts:

When you hear the question “What do you want?” what’s your first reaction?
Overwhelm? Blank stare? A tiny spark? Confusion?
Whatever shows up first is useful.

Whose voices get the loudest when you try to decide what you want?
Your boss? Parents? Mentor? Team? The imaginary “committee of everyone I’ve ever met”?
Name the voices that crash the party.

Where in your life do you feel pressure to want something you don’t actually want?
Promotion timelines, startup speed, parenting norms…
The “shoulds” hide everywhere.

How confident are you right now in identifying what you want?
Rate it 1–5.
If you’re a 1, great.
If you’re a 5, also great. 

What’s one tiny thing you do know you want more of?
Not the big life overhaul. Something small.
More sunlight? More reading? More quiet? More laughing? More time where no one needs anything from you?
Magic happens in the small moments.

These questions give you a baseline — a way to see where you are. A way to see who you are.

If it feels awkward, good. That usually means you’re learning something new. 

The Takeaway

Knowing what you want isn’t a one-time event. I used to wish it was — that once you landed on a clear answer, you were set (This is me!). But life changes. I change. And actually, everything is always changing, darn it.

Checking in with what you want is a habit worth having. Staying connected to what you want is ongoing work, to notice what’s truly yours versus what you picked up by accident. 

And if this feels awkward or slow or frustrating, nothing’s wrong. It just means you’re paying attention and doing the regular, human maintenance required to be you.

____________________________________

The Problem

I can’t believe I’m having this conversation. 

That’s the thought running through your head as you try (again) to persuade someone to do something.

Maybe you’re a General Manager pleading with your General Counsel to approve contract language that makes it easier for prospects to become clients.

Maybe you're a CMO who wants your friends in sales to adopt a new process.

Or maybe your peer, running their own department, still hasn’t fired the toxic employee whose behavior keeps spilling into your team.

Whatever the situation, you can’t believe you’re wasting precious breath debating the right next move. It’s just so obvious.

If you’re like 99% of people, when someone disagrees with you, you’ll do one of two things:

1. Repeat your argument

2. Point out the flaws in theirs

And when they hear you repeat your argument or highlight the flaws in theirs, they’ll do the exact same thing.

Back and forth you go in a torturous game of tug of war, exhausting yourself in the process.

Fun times.

The Discovery

What if I told you there’s a three-word phrase that could change the way you persuade and dramatically increase your chances of getting what you want?

In sales, I faced endless versions of no.

No, we’re staying with our existing vendor.

No, we won’t invite that stakeholder.

No, we don’t have budget.

…and had to persuade people to see things from a new angle.

At Stanford Graduate School of Business, where I facilitate leadership and communication courses, the “no’s” students face in case studies and role-plays are in a different context, but have the same pattern:

No, that’s not the right strategy.

No, we don’t need to change that process.

No, sending that message to the client would be disastrous.

…and leaders need to persuade people to do things they would otherwise not do.

Here’s the throughline across sales and leadership wisdom:

When someone disagrees with you, instead of repeating your argument or pointing out the flaws in theirs, try this three-word phrase: 

Tell me more.

It sounds simple. It is. But simple is not easy. 

The Experiment

Responding to disagreement with Tell me more is harder than it sounds. You will be screaming inside See it my way!! It’s easy to worry that if you let the other person talk, you’ll sound like you agree. You won’t.

This month your only assignment is: in the face of disagreement, resist the urge to immediately push your point of view. When people feel pushed, they push back.

The key here is sequence. Eventually, you will repeat your point of view. You will point out the flaws in theirs. But, the very first thing out of your mouth in response to hearing their side of things is a version of Tell me more that works for you: 

Counterpart: No, we can’t use that contract language.

You: Can you say more? I want to understand better.

Counterpart: No, we don’t need to change that process.

You: What makes you say that?

Counterpart: No, firing that employee would be disastrous.

You: When you say disastrous, what do you mean?

Tell me more lowers defenses through invitation. Go a couple rounds of Tell me more before reframing your message. This time, with the benefit of the new information you’ve just earned.

The Takeaway

Remember, you push because you want the conversation over with. You can’t believe you’re still talking about this. And sure, the conversation might end, but not because you found a solution. It ends because you’re both too annoyed with each other to keep going. 

Tell me more lowers the odds of a stalemate and unnecessary escalation.

Why? Because people are far more likely to listen to you once they’ve felt listened to.

In difficult conversations, some people steamroll. Some people dodge. I’ve found an invitation of Tell me more to be both the road less traveled and the path of least resistance.

Try it out. See what happens. And when you do—tell me more.

____________________________________

The Problem

If you can’t reset quickly, one bad moment can snowball into a bad day — for you and your team.

I’ve been told countless times to feel my seat in the chair or plant my feet on the ground to regulate and calm myself. That’s never worked for me.

When I feel anger building, the last thing I want is to notice the chair. I’d rather kick it over.

And I see the same with leaders trying to figure out how to reset after:

• The CEO asks a question and you don’t have the answer.

• A peer steamrolls you in a meeting.

• Your direct report makes the same mistake again, and you snap sharper than you meant to.

How do you stop feeding the doom spiral before it hijacks your day (and everyone else’s)?

The Discovery

I played competitive tennis growing up, and someone once suggested I bring a journal on court with reminders to check during changeovers. I laughed.

You’re kidding. Sit there flipping through notes like I’m cramming for a test? No way.

I had a similar negative reaction to visualization exercises.

If I were good enough, I shouldn’t need tricks. I should just make it happen.

But I was missing the point.

Watching this year’s U.S. Open, I noticed Amanda Anisimova adjusting her strings and breathing deep before big points. Naomi Osaka running through her ritual before every serve. Jannik Sinner toweling off and blowing air into his palm. Carlos Alcaraz juggling tennis balls one-handed.

These weren’t quirks. They were reset routines.

Reset routines aren’t embarrassing. They’re world-class.

If the best athletes in the world need rituals to reset when things aren’t going their way, why wouldn’t you?

The Experiment

Self-generated routines stick better than imposed ones (feel the seat). If you don’t already have a reset routine, it’s time to make one of your own. Here are a few ideas to build yours:

1. Find A Physical Anchor

Stress scrambles your brain. You stop listening, your inner critic takes the mic, and the spiral begins. The first step to regulate is finding a way out. A physical anchor gives you an eject button.

Pick a small, repeatable gesture that interrupts the spiral and pulls you back into the present. A few examples are: flex then release your leg, press your tongue to the roof of your mouth, take a sip from your Owala. My go-to is squeezing the tip of my finger. I always have it handy.

Try it now: pick one gesture and do it. Notice how it interrupts your thoughts for just a beat. That tiny beat is the opening you need to reset.

2. Name The Qualities You Want to Embody

When stress hits, most people focus on what not to do: don’t snap, don’t get flustered. But your brain needs a target.

If you don’t want to be flustered, how do you want to be?

Calm. Confident. Curious. Playful. Whatever they are for you, naming the quality gives your body a direction to follow. When people reconnect to the qualities they value before high-stakes situations, their stress response softens and their performance improves.

3. Pick An Image That Captures It

Words are powerful, but images hit deeper. Your brain processes pictures faster than text, and they stick longer. That’s why athletes use visualization. It primes the nervous system to act as if the picture is already true.

Think of it this way: when you picture a calm lake, your body slows down to match it. When you picture a lion, you stand taller. When you picture your kid laughing, your shoulders drop and your mood lifts.

Mental imagery activates the same neural pathways as actually doing the thing. That means a strong image isn’t just inspiring, it’s rehearsal. You’re training your brain to default to that state when you need to.

So once you’ve chosen the qualities you want to embody (calm, confident, playful), ask yourself: what’s the image that goes with that for me? It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else. It just needs to click for you.

4. Choose One Word As Your Cue

In the middle of a tough moment, your brain needs something simple to latch onto. Find one word that captures the state you want to be in: steady, curious, playful, bold. Or a word that brings to mind the image you’ve tied to that state. When the pressure hits, saying that word to yourself pulls your brain out of reactivity and points it back toward the qualities you’ve already chosen.

The word doesn’t have to be fancy. Pick one that you could actually remember in the middle of an inner critic spiral.

5. Lock In One Posture

Your body tells your brain how to feel. Power posing never worked for me. But what has worked is finding postures and movements that feel natural enough to me to use in real time. I have a subtle one I use when I’m on camera (I make my neck long), and a different, more obvious movement for when I’m offscreen (rooted in qi-gong). Both remind me of the qualities I want to embody.

No need to copy anyone else’s stance here. Find the posture or movement that resets you, whether you’re in public or in private.

The Takeaway

Resetting is a trained skill. You can’t invent a reset routine in the middle of a high-stakes moment. The work happens earlier, in calm settings, daily reps, even under staged pressure. That’s when you can experiment. 

Remember, the best reset routines work because you made them. They’re sticky, personal, and snap you back into the version of yourself you actually want to be.

____________________________________

The Problem

Vulnerability can feel like a volume dial that’s tough to set just right. Turn it down too low, and you come across as guarded or withholding. Crank it up too high, and the room goes quiet. You wonder: Was that too much?

As a leader, your every word gets dissected. So when you share:

Too much rawness creates anxiety.
Too much frequency becomes exhausting.
Too much openness in public leaves you (and others) exposed.
Too much polish keeps people at arm’s length.

I’ve stepped in it myself, sharing too much too soon, hoping it would build trust. It didn’t. And the other extreme isn’t pretty either. Hold back completely, and I come across as cold, judgy, like I think I’m above it all.

Vulnerability can accelerate trust. But how do you strike the right note so it builds your team up instead of weighing them down?

The Discovery

In the Stanford classes I facilitate, I’ve seen vulnerability go many directions. Sometimes someone shares something big, early on, and the room freezes. You can almost hear people thinking: Holy hell, what did I just walk into? Is this the price of admission? Do I have to share like this too to belong?

Other times, one honest moment knits people together in new ways. Someone says what others have been feeling but haven’t dared to admit. The tension breaks. People exhale. The room softens. Suddenly that person is seen as more human, more multidimensional.

The paradox is that vulnerability can draw people closer, and it can push them away. Once you’ve felt the rush of connection it creates, it’s tempting to think it’s always the answer. It isn’t. It’s powerful, but it’s not a cure-all. 

The Experiment

If you’re wondering how vulnerable is too vulnerable? Try looking at your share through these five lenses.

1. How Early

Vulnerability builds trust, and it also relies on trust to land well. Share too soon, before any foundation is there, and it can feel abrupt or performative.

Ask yourself:

• Is it the right moment in the relationship to share this?

• Has trust been earned, or am I forcing closeness?

• Have we had enough smaller moments of trust to support something bigger?

⚖️ If it feels early, pause. You may be offering something the relationship isn’t ready to hold.

2. How Raw

Vulnerability lands best when you’ve worked through it enough to share with perspective. If you’re still caught up in the feelings, others may feel like they have to manage you instead of learning from you.

Ask yourself:

• Do I still get swept up when I talk about this?

• Can I distill a learning, or is it still just the experience?

• Will sharing this steady the team or unsettle them?

⚖️ Raw stories spill over. Processed stories land.

3. How Often

People are human. Even with the best intentions, empathy has limits. If you return to the same theme again and again, it creates fatigue even if it’s still true for you.

Ask yourself:

• Have I shared this before, or something close to it?

• Does sharing this again deepen the message, or dilute it?

• Am I sharing to connect or just to process out loud?

⚖️ Even true stories lose their power if people have to hear them too many times.

4. How Public

Context matters. What feels right in a 1:1 can be out of place in a town hall. And once it’s shared publicly, you can’t pull it back.

Ask yourself:

• Does this setting allow for nuance and care?

• Would I be okay if this were repeated outside the room?

• Am I considering how power dynamics shift when I share this publicly versus privately?

⚖️ What builds intimacy in private may feel exposed under the spotlight.

5. How Relatable

Vulnerability isn’t just about you, it’s about us. It builds trust when others can see themselves in your story.

Ask yourself:

• Will people see themselves in this, or does it only make sense from my seat?

• Am I naming a shared emotional thread here?

• Is this building a bridge, or just asking to be witnessed?

⚖️ The strongest vulnerability doesn’t spotlight you. It connects us.

The Takeaway

Save yourself the cringe loop of an overshare gone sideways. Pick a vulnerable moment, recent or upcoming, and run it through these lenses. Notice where the vulnerability dial feels turned up too high or too low. Ask what a 5% adjustment would look like to fine tune.

The goal isn’t to share more. It’s to share wisely.

____________________________________

The Problem

At first, I just felt a little off. Less sharp. Less creative. Less me.

My body was sluggish. My brain, foggy. I didn’t like how I looked and I really didn’t like how I was thinking. I was learning how to parent, building my dream home, taking on more work at Stanford than I ever had, and launching a group cohort program with an accelerator.

And in the middle of it I got injured, tried to bounce back too soon, and got injured again. You might think I went to physical therapy or made a plan to get better. Nope. I felt scared of getting hurt again, so I quit trying. Time for movement turned into time for work. Slowly, time for activities like eating and sleeping turned into time for work, too. I told myself I was being efficient and responsible. What I really was? Fried.

And of course: I knew better. You probably do too. 

Eat well, sleep well, move well – this is not revolutionary. But when things get busy, the basics are the first to go. Why? Because at some point you start believing the inner critic’s sneaky little lie: If you suffer, your work will shine.

So exhaustion becomes a performance strategy. You equate being available with being valuable. You dull the very instrument you’re supposed to lead with—you.

The Discovery

When I know what I’m supposed to do, yet find myself not doing it, I’ve learned to recognize it isn’t a logic problem, it’s a story problem. Because I know, you know, we all know that eating, sleeping, and moving well is good for us. 

But some story I had about my situation stirred up emotions that stopped me from doing the things I knew made logical sense.

My story?

I should be able to get this done. I used to be able to get this done.

I used to be able to get all the things on my list done. “You are a machine.” I was told. Now, I felt dismayed. Each day my list was not only incomplete, but getting longer. So I sacrificed my health for my to-do list. I had to prove to myself that I still had it, even if that meant replacing exercise with work, sleeping late, eating whatever.

That’s not all. It turns out I had a second story: 

I need an hour (or two!) to get a good workout. 

And with that story I felt resigned. I didn’t have a big gap in my day to exercise, so exercise wouldn't happen. Binary thinking (all or nothing) kept me from doing anything. 

The Experiment

If you’re a high-achieving leader in “Do as I say, not as I do” mode, sacrificing yourself for your team, organization, customers or anyone else, see what this experiment does for you.

Step 1: Take a Story Inventory

If you’re not taking care of yourself the way you want to, you’re likely running on an unexamined story. Stories like:

• “I need to do everything I can, or I’m letting someone down.”

• “If I rest, it might all fall apart.”

• “I don’t have time.”

• “I should be able to do this by myself.”

• “I need to have all the answers.”

• “If I can’t get it all done, I must be the problem.”

Sound familiar? Your turn. Grab a piece of paper and ask:

• What are the stories I’m believing about what’s required of me?

• What emotion rides underneath them – guilt, fear, embarrassment, unworthiness?

• What’s the pressure I keep applying to myself that I’d never expect from anyone else?

You’ll know you’ve hit something real when you feel a shift. Your shoulders may drop. You may feel weepy. You might get a burst of energy, “That’s it!”

Step 2: Question the Story

Once you’ve named the story, you get to challenge it. Because that narrative running in the background is a strategy your inner critic cooked up in response to change and uncertainty.

Ask yourself:

• Is this story even true?

• Should I be able to do this alone?

• Am I really the only one who can do this?

• What am I avoiding by clinging to this story?

• Just because I used to be able to do it, does that mean I still should?

• If I could handle it all, would that actually be a good thing?

Sometimes the story is protecting a fear you haven’t fully named. Sometimes it’s protecting an identity that needs to evolve.

Step 3: Ask Yourself What You Want

What do you actually want? This is the part we skip when we’re stuck in output mode, blinders on. Here’s what I realized I wanted:

• I want to feel strong and energized at 6pm, not depleted and brittle.

• I want to delegate work and know my team is learning and growing.

• I want to be a person who knows if I take care of myself I can take better care of the people around me. 

Your turn. Fill in the blanks. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be yours.

• “I want _______.”

• “I want to feel _______.”

• “I want to stop _______.”

• “I want to be the kind of leader who _______.”

This becomes your signal so the next time your old story flares up, you can ask:

Is this getting me closer to what I actually want?

The Takeaway

There isn’t another hour in the day. And even if there was, I don’t want to fill it with more work. I learned that doing so makes me worse at my job. So, I changed my systems. I’m making different choices. Now, I work fewer hours with more clients, and my business is growing.

As for exercise, I go to the gym for 15 minutes. What could possibly get done in 15 minutes? I had the same question. Turns out, plenty. I crank the elliptical up to level 12. By minute 5 I am sweating. By minute 12 I have two fingers on my neck wondering if it’s possible for my pulse to explode. 

What kickstarted those changes was an honest look at the stories holding me back and realizing I am not more valuable when I’m tired. I am not more me when I’m tired.

Taking care of yourself isn’t the thing you do after the work. It’s what makes the work actually work.

____________________________________

The Problem

If I distilled my coaching into a single insight it would be this:

The majority of professional dysfunction stems from the inner critic. 

That voice in your head that’s hard on you. And equally hard on the people around you. The inner critic spins up stories, judgments, and assumptions that little-by-little erode your leadership effectiveness. It shapes your behavior in ways that chip away at your credibility and influence.

Here’s how it might show up:

You don’t ask for help
Inner Critic (IC): “I should be able to figure this out on my own.”

You avoid hard conversations
IC: “They’ll be mad. It will be terrible.”

You’re rigid in the face of new information
IC: “If I change my mind, I’ll look weak.”

You don’t speak up
IC: “No one else is saying it, it must not be important. The moment’s passed anyway.”

You talk too much
IC: “I need to sound smart. Let me keep going.”

You sacrifice the basics: sleep, exercise, health
IC: “Rest is for people who’ve earned it. You’re not there yet.”

You create unnecessary adversaries
IC: “They’re just trying to make me look bad.”

You waste time in the aftermath
IC: “Ugh, I can’t believe I did that. I should have done X. I can’t believe they did that. They should have done Y. Unbelievable.”

If any of this sounds familiar, you know the inner critic creates static, robs you of clarity. It keeps you from doing the very things that build trust: telling the truth, asking for support, changing your mind when new information comes in. Instead, you chase perfection and eventually burn out.

But I don’t actually think the inner critic is the real problem.

Avoiding the inner critic is the real problem.

The inner critic is uncomfortable. So you try to outrun it. You try to tune it out. 

Rather than pausing to examine what’s fueling the inner critic, you keep moving. You bury the discomfort in busyness, perfectionism, or silence. But ignoring the inner critic doesn’t make it go away. It just drives the behavior underground, where it lurks and quietly shapes your decision-making and relationships.

You don’t want to be the kind of leader who avoids tough conversations. So instead of facing that avoidance head-on, you pretend the conversation isn’t necessary.
You don’t want to admit you’re overwhelmed. So you keep saying yes, then resent everyone for how stretched you feel.

The result? You stay stuck in the very patterns that erode your influence: hesitation, overcorrection, second-guessing—until leadership becomes a very lonely place.

The Discovery

For a long time, I thought the inner critic was a problem to solve. I just wanted it to go away. Over time, I realized the inner critic isn’t a problem, it’s a signal.

When I worked in sales, my job at the start of a relationship was to help the buyer get clear on the challenge they were facing. If they weren’t clear on their challenge, they definitely weren’t going to invest time, money, or energy to solve it. So, I helped them dig into the specifics—what exactly wasn’t working, who else it affected, and what it was costing them.

And when we talked about what it was costing them, I didn’t just mean the logistical cost (things move slower). I also meant the emotional cost (I feel stressed, overlooked, incompetent, frustrated, alone.)

Eventually, I took a similar approach with myself and one of my biggest challenges: quieting my inner critic. I used the same curiosity I had for buyers and turned it inward. I examined the specifics of my inner critic: when it showed up, who else was involved, and what it was costing me – logistically and emotionally.

My inner critic tends to flare up when I think I have something to prove. When I stay quiet, then spiral afterward. When a relationship feels fragile and I don’t know where I stand.

And it’s not just critical of me. Sometimes it turns on others, too.

A missed deadline? They’re lazy.
A question? They’re challenging my credibility.

In some circles, it feels more acceptable to be judgmental of yourself than judgmental of others. For me, both versions come from the same root: fear.
Fear of not being respected. Fear of being dismissed. Fear of having all the worst stories I tell myself confirmed.

I realized my inner critic is trying to protect me from failure and vulnerability. But it’s clumsy. It takes wild guesses, wanting me to act how it thinks someone else wants me to act, based on nothing.

I know I’m in the grip of the inner critic when my husband catches me muttering to myself in the kitchen. Just me?

The major turning point in learning how to quiet my inner critic was deciding to stop trying to outrun it, and instead turn towards it with curiosity. When I stopped running, I gave myself the space to recognize my inner critic’s patterns without judgment, which changed everything.

You see, I still hear what the inner critic says. But now I don’t have to believe it.

The Experiment

When your inner critic gets loud, the impulse can be to avoid it. You may distract yourself with something you know you can do instead of facing uncertainty. You may try to push harder. Fast forward. Outrun the discomfort. But that avoidance gives the critic its power. Like a monster in the closet, it’s scarier when you don’t open the door.

What if you slowed down, and turned toward your inner critic with curiosity? What if you studied your inner critic like a pattern worth understanding?

Because if you don’t first get clear on your challenge, you won’t invest time, money, or energy to change it.

Here’s one way to begin:

Step 1: Notice when your inner critic shows up.
Who did it show up with? Peer, boss? Boss’ boss? Direct report? Cross functional lead?
What about the interaction stirred up the inner critic?
Was it in a 1:1? Group? In-person? Email?
Was the inner critic loudest before the interaction, anticipating the worst? During, when you couldn’t find your words? Or after, when you were kicking yourself in regret?

Step 2: Study your inner critic’s patterns.
Is the inner critic critical of you, others, both?
What does it tend to say – does it have a favorite phrase?
What’s its tone of voice?
Who does it remind you of?
What metaphor or image captures its vibe?

Step 3: Quantify the cost.
How does the inner critic get in the way of your influence?
What’s the logistical cost? (You don’t speak, ask for help, etc.)
What’s the emotional cost? (You feel…)
What’s the relational cost? (The ripple effects on trust and collaboration with people you depend on)

Step 3: Ask it some questions.
What is your inner critic trying to protect?
What story is it telling, and is that story actually true?
What permission do you need that it’s not giving you?

Step 4: Give it a name.
Creating distance helps. Give your inner critic a name. Something accurate, absurd, or both. Avoid using your own name. Name it so you can call it out easily. Sometimes naming it makes it less menacing. I’m not giving you examples on purpose. There is creativity inside you just waiting to come out if you let it. Have some fun. 

The Takeaway

The goal isn’t to silence the inner critic. I don’t think that’s possible or even wise. It’s there for a reason. It tends to show up when you’re in unfamiliar territory or feeling vulnerable. That’s useful information. It means you’re stretching.

So when the inner critic gets loud, don’t run. Try acknowledging it. Ask what it’s trying to protect. Check its assumptions. Then decide what’s actually true.

In sales I learned something simple: When a buyer resists, ignoring the resistance doesn’t build trust. Naming the resistance does. That’s what moves the conversation forward.

Turns out, the same thing works inside our own heads.

2. The Goings On

I delivered my 1000th coaching hour a couple months ago, but have only made time recently to reflect on the milestone. When I started Inner Radio, I imagined building a little world where people discovered how to lead with more of their own honesty, courage, and play.

Over the last few years, the people I’ve worked with aren’t looking for quick fixes. They’re thoughtful, curious, and hungry.

They come to coaching in pursuit of understanding themselves and others more fully. They face their inner critics with honesty. They dream big and do the hard things with courage. They experiment strategically, committed to the iterative process of self discovery.

Every time I get to coach someone like this, I feel deeply grateful. Amazed by the creativity that flows out when they choose to listen in. 

A few clients shared their experience working with me. These words mean so much because one thing I say at the beginning of a coaching engagement and repeat throughout is: Coaching is only as strong as the relationship we build.

These reflections speak to the depth of work I am lucky to do alongside these incredible leaders. They remind me what’s possible when we tune into that steady signal and lead from there.

Happy 1000th hour, Inner Radio 💚

____________________________________

The Problem

We continue our quest to ask for budget for coaching (or anything else) like a strategic leader. 

Let’s recap. 

You’ve had your initial conversation with your manager. You’ve aligned on goals. You’ve explored existing resources. You’ve agreed to develop a plan.

And now? You think it’s time to get coaching referrals, speak with a few coaches, find your match and go back to your manager with, "I found this great coach who can help me get where we want to go."

Not. Quite. Yet.

The Discovery

Imagine this:

After you spend all that time researching and speaking to coaching, you confidently say, "I found this amazing coach I’m excited about working with who focuses exactly on the goals we discussed." Your manager, not missing a beat, fires back:

"What about a mentor? I had one who changed my life."

Congratulations, you’ve run into an objection.

In sales, an objection is a doubt or concern that prevents someone from moving forward to approve a purchase. People typically respond to objections in one of two ways:

“Oh, okay... I guess I could do that.” (You fold because you don’t know how to respond.)

“But I think an external coach would be better for XYZ.” (You start defending, which causes your manager to double down, and the conversation goes in circles.)

One way to get ahead of this sticky spot? Evaluation criteria.

Evaluation criteria are the benchmarks your manager uses to assess the effectiveness of your proposal. Even if you’re aligned on the goals, how you achieve them might not be as clear.

Believe me, your manager has a vision for what your plan should look like, even if they haven’t vocalized it yet. And if you don’t take the time to align on evaluation criteria, you’ll spend hours developing your plan only to find out it doesn’t meet their expectations.

The Experiment

1. Define Your Evaluation Criteria

Last month I talked about presenting your leadership goals with a clear point of view instead of leaving all the work to your manager. Same applies here. Before you even bring up coaching, consider how to design your leadership development plan in the way you really want. Here are a few options to think about:

These aren’t as binary as a table makes them out to be. A mentor can provide coaching. A coach can share advice. There can be hybrids for most of these categories. The key is understanding the tradeoffs.

Reflect on these options and decide what you really want. Does coaching still seem like the right fit for you right now? Maybe, maybe not. 

2. Remember Who’s Leading

Let’s say you’ve decided that 1:1 coaching with an external coach, meeting monthly, is the best fit. Now it’s time to align with your manager on the evaluation criteria. You’ve likely done more thinking about this than your manager has. So, take the lead on the conversation.

Start by reminding them of the goals you’ve already aligned on:

“I’ve been reflecting on our last conversation and the goals—ABC—and how to achieve them most effectively. I’ve considered a few options, like 1:1 coaching, group coaching, live sessions, and mentorship. Can I get your input on my proposed approach?”

Now’s your chance to share your thinking and walk them through it. Be clear, be concise, and don’t be afraid to ask for their feedback.

3. Handle Objections

When you encounter resistance, that’s not a bad thing. It’s actually an opportunity to dig deeper. If your manager mentions their life-changing experience with mentorship, don’t reflexively accept or defend. Summon your curiosity and dig deeper.

• It sounds like your mentor was really valuable for your leadership. What made that relationship so effective?

Listen fully to their response. Since you’ve thought through the tradeoffs, you know mentors can be great, but they can also be hard to come by and that mentoring relationships take time to develop organically. So, you know the next best question to ask:

• “It sounds like they helped you by ABC. How did you meet your mentor?

When your manager responds with their story about meeting their mentor, you keep digging:

• “Wow, what a fateful meeting that connected you two. It sounds like you built your relationship over time.”

[Pause]

Your manager will likely continue speaking, elaborating on that exact point – that their relationship developed gradually, organically, over time.

This is where you can highlight the gap between what your manager thinks is helpful and what you and your manager have already agreed on that you actually need. Lead with curiosity:

• “I see the value in mentorship. And, last time we discussed how important goals like ABC were to our team’s impact this year, even this quarter. Is that still the case?”

[Pause]

If you identified urgent goals in your prior conversation, the answer here should be, Yes – these goals are important immediately. 

Finally, you can ask for buy-in:

• “I agree that a mentor can be valuable, and, while I’m nurturing potential mentor relationships, what do you think about a coach as someone I could start working with now in a more structured way to help make progress sooner?”

If there’s still resistance, don’t argue—keep digging. Ask:

• “Tell me more. What makes you say that?”

Repeat, repeat, repeat, until you and your manager flesh out their objections and agree on the evaluation criteria. Remember, if there’s resistance to your approach, surface it early. Aligning on the criteria before you invest significant time developing your plan will save your hours of time and energy. 

The Takeaway

This is just one example of one objection and how the conversation can go. The point is, this approach can help you and your manager align on the evaluation criteria, so you then have their blessing on your approach before you invest hours of time talking to coaches. 

Most people falter when faced with objections because 1) they haven’t understood evaluation criteria tradeoffs or 2) because they’re scared of hearing an objection. 

Asking for what you want takes courage. Remember that handling objections is a necessary step to getting what you want. By preparing your own evaluation criteria and listening deeply, the next best question to ask becomes obvious. Asking will feel less scary, because it’s the necessary step to clear the air and help you and your manager align. Practice this, and you’ll meet objections with the artful mix of curiosity and conviction that allows your manager see the gaps in their original thinking for themselves. It’s infinitely more powerful than you simply telling them. 

2. The Goings On

J.P. Morgan x How Women Lead Asian Women Founders and Executives Reception

If you grew up in an Asian family and waited for someone to give you praise in order to feel good about yourself…you might still be waiting.

That’s a joke. But only kind of. May, Asian American Pacific Islander Heritage Month, is coming to a close, and I spent the time speaking to AAPI groups. We started the sessions talking about the inner critic, that nagging voice that makes you second-guess yourself. We exposed the sneaky ways it gets in the way of our influence. We left the sessions with a new way to embrace our executive presence and lead the way we want.

It continues to delight me to see people surprise themselves with the strength and clarity that emerge when they have the courage to tap into their inner resources.

Of all the growth I’ve worked on over the years, tackling my inner critic has been the most tender and powerful. Part of the journey has been accepting the aspects of Asian cultural norms that shaped my inner critic. Part of the journey has been awakening to the choices I have to take matters into my own hands – to quiet the inner critic, tune into my inner radio, and let me, the real me, out.

____________________________________

The Problem

As an executive coach, one of the first influence challenges I work on with leaders is asking for budget to make coaching happen. Asking for budget can be intimidating. It can be uncomfortable to ask for help.

“I don’t deserve this.”
“I don’t want to be seen as someone who needs help.”
“They’re going to say no.”

For many leaders, asking for coaching budget is something they’ve never done before, whether they’ve never worked with a coach or never asked their current organization to sponsor it. If you’re like many of the leaders I work with, this feels like uncharted territory. You’re not sure where to start.

The Discovery

When I was in sales, I had to influence people I had no authority over. I had to convince them to spend their budgets on me, even when they had dozens of other priorities. In the process, I learned a few things about the art of influencing without authority.

Influencing without authority happens when you have the mindset of solving problems together with your audience. It requires a balance of seemingly opposite qualities: humility and confidence, resolve and curiosity, self-regulation and enthusiasm. Knowing when to apply each quality is what makes sales—and influence—a true art.

The Experiment

Having spent over 1,000 hours coaching leaders, I can confidently say the same mindset, process, and qualities I used in sales to influence people outside my organization also apply when you’re trying to influence within your own organization. So, here’s how you can apply strategic sales skills to influence internally, even without authority.

I’m using the example of asking your manager for coaching budget, but trust me, you can apply this to asking for other budgets, headcount, approval for an initiative—anything.

1. Focus on asking for what you want, not getting it

Before you even start, detach from the outcome. It sounds counterintuitive, but here’s why it works: People get tripped up because they focus too much on the end result—getting what they want. They rush through the process because they’re eager to get what they want, but rushed requests rarely succeed.

And yes, even when you do everything “right,” sometimes you still lose the deal. You can’t control others, only yourself.

2. Remember your role

The person most affected by your leadership and likely to have access to the budget you don’t is your direct manager. So let’s set this up:

• Your boss is the buyer: You need their buy-in to make coaching happen.

• You’re the seller: Your job is to understand what your boss needs, specifically in relation to your leadership.

Too many people are nervous to ask for budget, so they avoid discomfort by putting all their best reasoning and bullet points into a multi-paragraph email, hitting send, and then shutting their computers, hoping they won’t have to think about it. That’s not how this works.

Instead, think about it like this:
Have you ever been in a situation where you know things aren’t working as well as they could, but you haven’t made the time or space to think through what’s not working and how it could be better?

That’s what your role in the conversation is about. Your goal isn’t to share a book report on a solution; your goal is to help your manager get clarity on what they really want from you as a leader.

3. Ask for the conversation

Remember your manners. Instead of jumping straight into the conversation and forcing your manager to have it, ask for a conversation about how you can support the team. Here’s a script:

• “I’ve been thinking about how I can be a stronger part of the team and help us hit [XYZ goal], and I’d love to get your thoughts on how I can contribute more. Would you be open to exploring this?”
  (pause and wait for them to accept)

This opens the door for a meaningful conversation. You’re not rushing in with a request; you’re inviting them into a discussion that will benefit both of you.

4. Come with a point of view

Asking broad, vague questions like “What should I work on?” or “Where’s my biggest area for growth?” is too vague. You’re putting all the work on your manager to come up with something meaningful. Give them something to react to. Here’s a script you can use:

• “One of the main areas I think I can improve in my leadership is sharpening my ability to influence cross-functional teams and be more strategic in my communication. I’m seeing this skill show up in ABC scenarios, and improving it would allow XYZ to happen for us as a team. How do you see it?”

Your manager’s response might differ from what you initially proposed—and that’s okay. This is where humility comes into play. The goal of this conversation isn’t for you to be right; it’s for both you and your manager to get clearer about what your manager needs from your leadership.

5. Dig deeper

Once your manager reacts to your point of view, dig deeper to uncover the root of their response. Put on your curiosity cap and don’t just take the first answer at face value—there’s always more to it.

For example, if your manager says, “Yes, cross-functional leadership is a big one.”
You know what cross-functional leadership means to you, but do you know what it means to your manager? It’s easy to jump to conclusions and assume you understand just because you recognize the words.

Instead of nodding along thinking you know what they mean, follow up with:

• “What makes cross-functional leadership a big one for you?”

• “Can you say more about what you mean by cross-functional leadership?”

• “What do you see as the biggest obstacles to improving cross-functional leadership?”

• “Do you have any examples that come to mind?”

This is not the time to get defensive. No explaining yourself. Your role is to help your manager gain clarity about how they see the world, even if you disagree.

6. Paint the picture

Now that you’ve got more specifics about the blockers, it’s time to talk about how honing these skills will make life better for both your manager and the team. Dream big and help your manager get clear on how good it can get.

• “How would we know I’m getting better in this area?”

• “What would it take off your plate?”

• “What would it make possible for the team?”

In the daily grind, people often don’t take time to zoom out and think big. These questions generate excitement about what’s possible for both of you.

7. Open the aperture

After a few back-and-forths, your manager is thinking about your development. Now is the perfect opportunity to ask a broader question. This is your chance to uncover anything else that’s on their mind—something that might not have come up yet. It’s a totally different feel from starting off cold with a vague feedback question.

Ask something like:

• “Looking at the bigger picture, what else do you think I should be focusing on in my development?”

• “Are there any other areas where you think leadership development could have an unexpected impact on the team or the organization?”

• “What else is on your mind in terms of how I can better support you and the business?”

This opens the door for them to share what’s still lingering in their thoughts, and it keeps the conversation flowing.

8. Introduce structure

After inviting your manager to share a clearer picture of their needs regarding your leadership and how improving your skills will benefit them, it’s time to align on next steps. But before you close this initial conversation, there’s one thing that’s on everyone’s mind—but no one’s talking about: Budget.

Talking about money can feel awkward, and that’s exactly why you need to be the one to bring it up first. Here’s a script for you to take the lead:

• “I’d like to put together a plan to hone these skills. To do that, can you help me understand how the team typically approaches leadership development? Is there a budget, or would we need to create one?”

See how following these steps makes asking about budget the obvious next logical question? It’s not just the next logical questions, it’s the next considerate question. You’re being thoughtful about what your manager is thinking about (because trust me, they are thinking about it). Ultimately, asking for budget isn’t as scary when you’re being strategic. 

Bringing up budget early on might uncover crucial insights. Maybe a line item already exists. Maybe other departments play a role. You might not get an answer this early, but that’s okay. The key is that you’ve brought up the tough subject first in a way that’s thoughtful and natural. This puts your manager at ease.

Once you’ve touched on budget, keep the momentum going with your next request:

• “I’d like to put a few ideas together with all this in mind. Would you be open to reviewing it together at our next 1:1?”

9. Follow Through

Once they agree, send a summary email reiterating how leveling up will positively impact your manager and the team, along with the next steps you agreed on. Send a calendar invite for the next meeting if it isn’t already scheduled. This shows you’re organized, focused, and committed to moving things forward.

The Takeaway

What would your reaction be to a direct report who sends you a note saying:

• “Here’s a coaching program I’d like to join.”

• “Here are 10 reasons why I think it’s great.”

• “Can you pay for it?”

Ehhh I’ll think about. (And not think about it).

Now, imagine you have a direct report who:

• Invites you into a conversation about how they can contribute to the team.

• Proactively identifies their leadership development areas.

• Asks for your input and collaboration on those focus areas.

• Wants to put together a plan to hone those skills.

• Is mindful of resources and asks upfront.

• Gives you clear next steps to continue the conversation.

What would your reaction be?

• Damn, that person is owning their journey.

• Damn, they’re making it easy for me.

• Damn, should I be doing this with my boss?

This? This is top 3% employee behavior. It’s not magic, but it’s not easy either. It takes intention. It’s rare. Just by doing this, you will stand out.

Notice, we didn’t even mention coaching in this first conversation. Because you’re being strategic. You’re coming from a place of curiosity, clarity, and collaboration. You’re making it easy for your manager to work with you to solve a problem together. Maybe the specific type of coaching you initially have in mind is the answer for you two, maybe it isn’t—but you won’t be open to discovering something better if you’re too focused on the outcome from the start.

I learned this sales mindset. I learned the process. I learned the qualities needed to make strategic things happen. And you can learn them too. Try it out. Share what you learn. And stay tuned for the next steps.

2. The Goings On

After a busy stretch, I need to carve out time for recovery, reflection, and space to process what I learned before moving forward.

From January to March this year, I facilitated three courses at Stanford Graduate School of Business, launched a group coaching program with a climate tech accelerator, and wrapped up coaching a group of Obama Foundation leaders. And that was just some of the work.

While my work is incredibly fulfilling, I know I need downtime to recharge. Recovery looks different for everyone—it can be video games, writing, or a girls' trip.

For me, part of recovery is heading to the nearby park to play in the creek with my daughter. The water is cold, the trees envelope us, and the peace is just what I need. It’s a quick escape—no planes required—and after I get to enjoy the photos my husband takes along the way.

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The Problem

I’ve fallen into this trap many times, and I’m betting you have too: You come across advice that sounds simple and think, Great, this is how I’m supposed to lead. But somewhere along the way, you realize that what you’re doing doesn’t quite sit right. Your behavior starts to feel less like you and more like you’re playing a part. Instead of showing up as yourself, you end up putting on your “leader hat”—and that shift feels forced. You feel awkward. Others feel awkward. It lands as well as trying to tell someone else’s joke.

The Discovery

Over a decade ago, I was tasked with leading a team of 40 front-of-house staff at a $10M restaurant in New York City. These weren’t high schoolers looking for a summer job. These were career servers, some with as many years of experience in hospitality as I had been alive. I was intimidated, and I wanted to step up to be taken seriously. Of course, my inner critic was having a field day, screaming, This is a joke that you’re in this role.

Good thing I had heard that great leaders are decisive, direct, and stand their ground in tough situations. Coupling that advice with my fear and self-doubt, I decided I needed to act like I knew exactly what to do in every situation. Fake it ‘til you make it, right? The last thing I wanted was to be seen as weak. So, I told people what to do. I didn’t listen to my team. You can guess how well this turned out. The very behavior I thought would make people take me seriously did the opposite. It made my worries come true.

The Experiment

Years later, I know better. And I know you do too. But there’s still a difference between knowing better and doing better. After coaching dozens of executives, I’ve seen firsthand how certain pieces of leadership advice, when taken too literally, can cause trouble. Here are five of my favorites:

1. Be Quick: Give Feedback in Real Time

You’ve likely heard that giving immediate feedback is crucial for learning and performance improvement. But sometimes, when a meeting goes sideways, and you're feeling frustration, shock, or disappointment, the urge to give feedback immediately feels urgent.

Your inner critic might say:
“If you don’t speak up now, you’ll miss the moment. Give the feedback while it’s fresh.”

But in reality, those big emotions need space to settle first. "Fresh" feedback often ends up being rushed and harsh. 

Food for thought: Metabolize some of your big emotions before sharing your feedback by reflecting on:

• Ownership: How did I contribute to this? 

• Outcome: What do I want out of this conversation?

• Framing: How can I frame my ask in terms of what my audience cares about? 

When I look back, I realize that feedback delivered later, after reflection, saves me a lot more time than giving harsh feedback in the moment that I need to clean up after.

2. Be Direct

You've probably heard: Be direct. Learning to be more direct is one of the most common goals students have in the Interpersonal Dynamics (aka "Touchy Feely") course I facilitate at Stanford Graduate School of Business. It’s a popular goal because being direct can feel terrifying. Why? Because many leaders believe that being direct means saying whatever is on your mind, without a filter. And what’s often in our minds without a filter can be judgmental and full of blame.

Your inner critic might say:
“Don’t be a wimp. Show these people who’s boss. Channel Logan Roy.”

Being direct doesn’t mean being a jerk. It’s about communicating your thoughts clearly without the condescension. In Interpersonal Dynamics, students learn how to be direct, not demeaning. 

Food for thought: Become aware of the stories in your head—stories based on assumptions and interpretations—and learn how to untangle those stories from the behaviors you observe.

• Recognize the story: What assumptions, guesses, or judgments are driving your emotions?

• Try a soft start: Share your feelings without blaming. “When you [behavior], I feel [emotion] because the story in my head is [story]. Is that what was going on?”

• Get clear on your goal: Are you being direct to improve the relationship, or to vent?

3. Be Vulnerable

Vulnerability is often called an essential leadership trait. Back at the restaurant, I had a new skip-level manager, and I thought I could impress him by leading with vulnerability. I wanted to persuade him I was a trust-worthy leader on his team. In our very first meeting I led with telling him I was having a hard time memorizing the menu item ingredients. Oof. I was never able to recover myself in his eyes.

Your inner critic might say:
“Holding back means I’m not being authentic.”

I learned the hard way that leading with vulnerability has its limits. The key is to find appropriate vulnerability for your situation and audience:

Food for thought:

• Consider the timing: Sharing too much too soon, especially about deeply personal issues, can create distance, especially if the relationship hasn’t been solidified. Both the sharer and the receiver can recoil after – sometimes called the Rubber Band Effect. You will have more room to share vulnerably over time as trust is established.

• Be mindful of the magnitude: Your team needs to know someone is flying the plane. Vulnerability is important, but there are times when being too open can undercut your ability to lead effectively. For example, being overly vulnerable with your team about feelings of insecurity or uncertainty can make them question your ability to lead.

• Watch the frequency: While vulnerability has its place, constantly using it as a topic of conversation in every meeting or interaction can become draining and shift the dynamic away from results-focused work. If every conversation veers into your personal struggles, it can create fatigue among your team, who may feel they are constantly navigating emotional terrain rather than tackling objectives.

4. Be Curious

Curiosity is one of the best leadership traits—except when it’s a trap. A manager once asked me how I thought a presentation went. I felt confident that I’d followed his direction. But after I said some version of, “It went well,” he immediately criticized the presentation, pointing out how bad it was. That wasn’t curiosity, that was humiliation.

Your inner critic might say:
“Good leaders ask questions. I should ask a question to show I’m open-minded.”

Genuine curiosity happens when you’re open to having your opinion influenced. But if you’ve already formed a strong opinion about how something went, asking, “How do you think it went?” is not curiosity, it’s a set up. 

Food for thought:

• Check your intentions: Are you genuinely curious, or are you just opening up a conversation to express your own opinion?

5. Don’t Micromanage

Micromanagement gets a bad reputation, and for good reason. You’ve probably had a micromanager, and remember the frustration of feeling untrusted. But in trying to avoid micromanagement, you can swing too far in the other direction and end up not managing at all.

Your inner critic might say:
“If I start asking for updates or checking in too much, they’ll think I don’t trust them and call me a micromanager.”

Worrying too much about micromanaging can lead to a lack of clear expectations or follow-up, leaving you blindsided by the results and your team blindsided by your reaction. Then, you might clamp down and end up micromanaging after all.

Food for thought:

• Consider your direct report’s experience: Have they done something like this before, or is this a new task? Their level of experience can guide how much support and oversight they need.

• Be clear about what you need: If you need specific elements incorporated into the project or milestone check-ins, ask for them upfront.

• Ask what your direct report needs: Ask them whether they need more clarity or resources. Acknowledge that sometimes people don’t know what they need until they start the work, and encourage them to ask when a need comes up. 

The Takeaway 

Broad leadership advice is designed to appeal to everyone in every scenario, but not every piece of advice is meant to be applied everywhere. The challenge is understanding when to apply these principles and how to make them work for you. Because if what you’re doing isn’t effective, and it doesn’t feel like you, then what’s the point?

2. The Goings On

My daughter’s hips have found their way home. Her X-rays came back normal and she is officially out of her hip dysplasia brace. While we’re not completely out of the woods, for now, we are celebrating.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out with a kind message—whether about your own experience with hip dysplasia, babies, or how life and work weave together in unexpected ways. I appreciate you.

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The Problem

You slipped up. Maybe you came off more defensive than you intended, more upset than you planned, or simply less graceful than you hoped. You inadvertently pushed your teammate away—and now your inner critic is having a field day. "Good leaders don’t do that.  You must not be a good leader." Even though it seems like your teammate has moved on, you’re still thinking about how you behaved. You’re wondering if they are too. This wondering turns into a weight, creating distance between you, and suddenly you have no idea where to go from here.

This was a cycle I lived in for years. I convinced myself that to be a good leader, I had to always be positive, happy, and calm. People responded positively to my positivity, so I expected myself to always live up to that. Negative emotions? I assumed they’d only push people away. So I held them in, thinking I was protecting my relationships by staying upbeat. But here’s what happened when I held back: people smelled it. Others sensed my hesitation, and they pulled away. The distance between us grew, only making me feel more anxious, more disconnected.

Then, when the pressure finally became too much, I’d snap. I’d lash out, pushing whoever was on the receiving end further away. But the worst part wasn’t the flare-up—it was the assumption I made afterward. I assumed that once I lost my temper or let my frustration out, the relationship was over. I had ruined it. And so, I treated the relationship like it was doomed, which only made it worse. That relationship I wanted to preserve so badly? Gone. And the cycle continued, both in my personal and professional life, reinforcing my belief that negative feelings always lead to negative consequences—and there was no going back.

The Discovery

It wasn’t until I took—and later facilitated—a class at Stanford Graduate School of Business on building effective relationships that I learned the power of repair. Instead of avoiding the discomfort of a negative interaction, I learned that facing it head-on can actually strengthen a relationship. When I realized I had acted in a way that unintentionally hurt someone, I didn’t need to shy away from it, I needed to go back and address it. This is where the magic of repair comes in.

Repair isn’t a hollow apology, it’s about showing my teammate (or anyone I’ve affected) that I care enough to go back, check in, and try to make things okay. That simple act of repairing—of re-establishing a connection—has become one of the most important relationship skills I’ve learned.

Why is repair so crucial? Let me illustrate how often I misdirect my frustration by sharing five ways I unfairly get mad at my husband:

1. I’m mad at him, but I’m actually mad at myself.

2. I’m mad at him, but deep down I actually feel incompetent (and vulnerable).

3. I’m mad at him, but I’m really mad at the situation.

4. I’m mad at him, but I’m mad about something unrelated that just happened.

5. I’m mad at him because I asked for something, and he gave it to me. (“Will you read my newsletter draft and tell me what you think?”)

When I get unfairly mad at my husband, I need the skill of repair to smooth things over rather than let unresolved feelings fester and drive a wedge between us. The same goes for my professional relationships. Once I started practicing repair more regularly with my colleagues and teammates, the best part was the utter relief I felt learning that I don’t have to be perfect. I can mess up, create conflict, and not ruin everything. I learned that friction, when handled with curiosity and vulnerability, deepens relationships more than anything I know.

The Experiment

So, if you’re in the market for a different approach to repair a relationship after a flare-up (whether big or small), here’s what works for me — and many of the leaders I coach:

1. Examine the situation

When work is moving a thousand miles a minute, you may not make time to slow down and ask, “what was happening for me?” Without reflection, negative assumptions about the other person can take hold and act like a runaway blame train, making it even harder to come back and repair. Give yourself some space to reflect and ask yourself:

• What was really going on for me? 

• What story was I telling myself about the situation? 

• What emotions were really swirling – frustration, confusion, hurt, or embarrassment? 

• Was my behavior actually about the person, or was it about me or a situation outside my control?

Reactions can happen so quickly. Sometimes, there’s only time to make sense of them afterward. The more I reflect, the easier it becomes to cut myself some slack. Instead of harshly judging myself ("You're a terrible leader"), I think, "Okay, this makes sense now." That’s when I feel ready to initiate the repair.

2. Initiate the repair

Sometimes the hardest part is knowing how to kick off the conversation. Some leaders gets stuck here. Let’s say you’re clear on what happened for you, but as you’re thinking about reaching out to your teammate, the inner critic shows up with a bunch of excuses not to. The inner critic’s message boils down to: “Am I going to make this weird? Are they going to see me as weak?”

If your inner critic is acting up, let’s flip the script. If a teammate who snapped at you came back and said:

“Hey, I’m so glad you called, I’ve been thinking about you and our last conversation. I can see how I frustrated you. I came off mad at you when I was really mad at myself for not remembering X. I feel badly about how I showed up and wanted to see how you’re feeling about it.”

Would you think they’re weird? Weak? Didn’t think so. So, when you go back to your teammate to initiate repair, share what you’ve been reflecting on:

"I was more combative than I intended to be." 

“I’m so glad you called, I’ve been thinking about you and how we left things off.”

This gesture opens the door for an honest conversation. It signals to your teammate that you aren’t here to fight, you’re here to make amends. 

3. Connect emotionally

Conflict often happens when people don’t feel heard or seen. Skipping this step means you go right into explaining yourself, and you may end up explaining yourself until you’re blue in the face. Sequencing is critical. Connecting emotionally first allows the explanation to be heard. People are often a lot more understanding when they feel understood.

“I know that probably didn’t feel great.” [pause]

“I can see how I disappointed you.” [pause]

Acknowledging the other person’s feelings shows you’re taking a different approach this round. Feel free to take your time, even linger, here. This is the crux of repair.

4. Explain, don’t excuse

Offer context for your behavior. This is where more of your self-reflection comes in:

“I was feeling really frustrated about a call earlier, and I let that frustration spill over.”

“I was really mad at myself that I should have remembered to tell you, but I forgot.” 

Explanation has its place when rooted in self-awareness and ownership. Keep this part concise. It’s easy to go long and veer into defensive territory.

5. Connect emotionally

Again? Yes, again.

“I feel badly about how I came off. I’ve been wondering whether it bothered you and wanted to clear the air.”

“I’m excited about what we’re building together and am so glad I get to build with you. I don’t want my behavior to cause any tension between us.”

Here’s where you stop talking. You’ve done the work, you’ve made your ask for repair. Now it’s time to listen.

6. Be open to their reaction

You may feel eager for this whole repair business to be tied up so you can move on. If your teammate isn’t quite ready and needs more time, getting mad all over again simply restarts the the cycle without repair. The more cycles you go without repair, the tougher it is to come back. Resist the urge to rush the process

“If we don’t resolve everything today, that’s okay. What was important to me was to reach out and let you know that I’d like to.”

“I understand you’re not ready to talk about this yet. Just know that I care about how you’re feeling, and I’m here whenever you’re ready. I really want us to work through this.”

This openness shows respect for their process while reaffirming your desire to repair the relationship. Sometimes, just giving them the space to respond in their own time can deepen trust and signal your commitment to the long-term health of the relationship.

The Takeaway 

Repairing relationships is a skill, some may say a lost art these days. It is vulnerable and a bit scary, but it’s a powerful tool. Repair gives you the freedom to show up more as yourself and the confidence to handle the messy parts of being a leader.

A client recently shared how incredible it felt to repair with a colleague she hadn’t spoken to in years. They’d had a falling out, but when they reconnected, they both expressed how much they appreciated the chance to resolve things. She said, “We rarely get to do this in life.” But the truth is, repair doesn’t have to be so rare.

For years, I assumed that once I showed an unflattering side of myself, the relationship was over. But I learned that relationships don’t have to end just because we show our frustrations. What matters is what we do next.

Repairing a relationship isn’t always easy, but it’s almost always possible—it’s just a matter of choosing it.

2. The Goings On

Our nanny asked us what we were doing for Valentine’s Day, and I responded with a shrug. Apparently, that was the wrong answer. “You’re young—you need to celebrate together,” she said. And just like that, she generously offered to watch our daughter so we could enjoy a good old-fashioned dinner date. In fact, she was the second person that week to encourage us to take some time for ourselves, so I guess we really needed it.

If you follow me, you know I used to manage a restaurant in NYC, so going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day is never my first choice. Every couple thinks they’re the most special couple, which is true, and also makes for a chaotic dining experience. So, we celebrated Valentine’s a week later at our favorite Italian spot. Two cocktails, two bowls of pasta, and two scoops of ice cream later, we were happy as clams.

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The Problem

When someone shares something big and painful, the pressure to find the perfect words in response is heavy, isn’t it? The inner critic kicks in, whispering, “What if I say the wrong thing?” “What if I make it worse?” “I should have a solution, but I don’t.” And just when you think you’ve figured out the right thing to say, the inner critic pounces again: “What if they think I’m not helpful?”

As leaders, we’re trained to solve problems. In moments like these, the instinct to fix is strong. It’s a struggle I wrestle with, too. But sometimes the real work is simply being present. So, what do you do when you don’t know what to say? How do you show up as a leader when you can’t solve everything?

The Discovery

From personal experience sharing big, painful things with others, I’ve learned what kinds of responses don’t work for me. I get the internal wince when someone tries to "fix" or rush me into feeling better. I think, yeah, that’s not quite what I need right now. After spending hundreds of hours facilitating experiential communication courses at Stanford Graduate School of Business, I found relief and validation when I discovered what doesn’t work for me often doesn’t work for other people. So I’d like to share with you five very human urges I’ve noticed (both in myself and others) that miss the mark and hurt your hard conversations:

1. The Urge to Fix

It’s so easy to fall into the trap of solving everything. We’re wired to offer advice and solutions. It’s tempting to say things like:

• “Have you tried doing this?”

• “You should talk to so-and-so—they might have the answer.”

• “I’ve been through something similar, and here’s what I did…”

I am certain your advice comes from a good place, but sometimes a person needs to be seen before they need a solution.

2. The Urge to See the Bright Side

Another instinct that sneaks in is the urge to find the silver lining. You might say things like:

• “At least it’s not as bad as it could be.”

• “Everything happens for a reason, right?”

• “You’ll laugh about this someday!”

When I hear one of these after I share something big and painful, you know what goes on in my head? “I get to say that, not you.” Rushing to optimism with a reframe before the person gets there themselves is exactly that, rushing. If you have felt rushed, you know it’s not great. 

3. The Urge to Be The Cheerleader

You want to help them snap out of it, feel better, see their worth, and get back on their feet. You might feel the urge to be their personal cheerleader, saying things like:

• “You’ve handled worse before!”

• “Look how much you’ve accomplished—you’ll get through this too!”

• “I believe in you! You’ll bounce back stronger than ever!”

While this comes from a place of care and wanting to see them rise above the situation, it can feel overwhelming to someone who is simply trying to process their emotions. 

4. The Urge to Be The Detective

Sometimes we ask questions about the logistics or the details of what happened. When we do, we prioritize our understanding over their feelings. 

• “What exactly happened?”

• “What did they say next?”

I know a couple who struggled with IVF and the main way people responded was asking, “When’s the next procedure? What did the doctor say? What happens if this time doesn't work?” The hardest part wasn’t coping with the uncertainty of the process – it was constantly answering the peppering logistical questions they received.

5. The Urge to Be Silent

Sometimes, we go quiet because we don’t know what to say and we think staying silent is the safest option. But when you stay silent too long, it can lead them to think, “Maybe I shouldn't have shared this. It's too much for them.” or “They probably think I'm overreacting or being dramatic.” Instead of helping them process, your silence creates more doubt and isolation.

When a big, painful thing happens to me, my inner critic can take hold and spin up a story that I didn’t do enough. As a result, I’ll share something like, “Gosh, I’m a dumb dumb.” (but likely in harsher words)

When that share is met with silence, I think whoever I’m talking to must think I’m a dumb dumb too.

This might seem like a long list, but what all these responses have in common is they don’t soothe the hurt, they run past it or ignore it. So, what works better?

The Experiment

I learned that what I really need when I share something big and painful isn’t advice or cheerleading—it’s connection. Here are a few ideas from my coaching practice that shift the focus from “What should I say?” to “How can I connect?” in the moment of the big, painful share and after.

In the Moment

1. Your Feelings
   When someone shares something hard, sometimes the best thing you can do is simply share how you feel about what they’re going through. Letting your emotions show humanizes the moment and validates their experience. For example:

• “I’m so mad that this happened to you. That’s just not fair.”

• “I’m heartbroken for you. I can’t believe you’re dealing with this.”

This response shows that you’re not just hearing their words—you’re emotionally with them. It’s a simple but powerful way to connect.

2. Your Observation
   Sometimes, it’s not about your feelings but about what you’ve observed. People often feel deeply valued when someone recognizes their strength, dedication, or passion, especially during tough times. For example:

• “You really loved that house. I can tell how much it meant to you.”

• “You worked so hard on this project. I can see how much you’ve invested.”

This shows you see their emotion, you see their values, you see them. 

3. Your Relationship
When words fail, sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply let them know you’re in their corner, no matter what. For example:

• “I just want to be here for you right now, no matter what you need.”

• “I don’t know what to say, but I’m with you through this.”

This type of response assures them that they don’t have to go through the chaos alone. 

After The Share

It’s easy to think that once you’ve said something, you’ve done your part. But following up to your initial response is a wonderful way to connect and show your care. Here’s why:

1. Give Clarity

When someone shares something tough, they’re often feeling overwhelmed, and the last thing you want to do is put the burden of next steps on them. For example:

Instead of saying, “Take as much time as you need,” give them some clarity about what happens next:

• “Take a few days, and then let’s check in on Wednesday to see how you’re doing.”

• “How about we talk again after a week, just to see where you’re at?”

Instead of, “Let me know what I can do,” give them some options:

• “I can watch your pet or your kids while you attend or plan services”

• “I can bring over a hot meal or do laundry”

This way they have some clear choices, making it easier for them to ask for what they want. 

2. Keep the World Going

When I was going through a tough time, what I needed most was to remember that the world was still spinning. Yet I noticed a lot of quiet after people’s initial care and condolences. I get it—their inner critic says, “Am I allowed to talk about my bad night of sleep when you’ve just had a huge loss?”

At least for me, it’s tough to keep talking about the big, painful thing for too long. I have to talk about something else. I want to tell you that I only recently started listening to Chappell Roan and, oh, I’ve been missing something good. I want to show you a tranquil wallpaper I found that calms me down. Or show you the muffins I made that taste better than they look, I promise. I want some normalcy. 

Sometimes giving people space can worsen the isolation. In the spirit of care and connection, take small actions to show you’re thinking of them: 

• “By the way, I think you’d love this song. I heard it today, and it totally reminded me of you.”

• “I was thinking of you this morning. Kiddo has been sick and crying for days. I don’t know how you do it with two.”

This helps to check-in, keep the connection, while maintaining normalcy 

3. Give Grace

Processing a big, painful event doesn’t happen all at once. For me, it might hit when I’m driving to Trader Joe’s a week later, and suddenly the reality of it all sets in—cue the sobs. But even when the big emotions aren’t showing, I know my mind, heart, and body are still processing. I notice it because I’m slower. I’m more tired. And sometimes, when I’m less regulated, I start to look for a fight. Not my best moment, but it’s true. I can come off as combative, even when I don’t mean to.

This might be true for you or the people around you as well. So, give grace—especially when someone isn’t at their best. The inner critic will try to tell you that they’re just being difficult or that they “should” be handling things better. But remember, there’s often a lot of unseen work happening beneath the surface.

The Takeaway 

The inner critic thrives on discomfort. When someone shares something big and painful, the inner critic may show up for you and the person sharing. To help quiet both your inner critics, remember your role is to listen. The real power of connection comes from showing up emotionally—not because you have all the answers, but because you care.

2. The Goings On

“Overeager Jen, here we go again!” is my playful mantra whenever I find myself taking on too much. I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened. While I’m better today at pacing myself, the growth I’m most proud of lies in how I respond when I overextend. In the past, I’d berate myself, which clouded my thinking and slowed my ability to figure things out. Now, with that phrase, I bring some humor into the situation, keep my head clear, and move forward.

What does this all mean? It means I am starting a waitlist and taking new 1:1 clients starting in April. If you are interested, reply. If you know someone who might be, pass this on!

I’m back facilitating Interpersonal Dynamics, Stanford Graduate School of Business' most popular elective on building effective professional relationships. In the very first session, I was reminded of something I love about this course—it helps students discover what they truly want and ask for it. (Sound familiar?)

This weekend I’m facilitating Building Interpersonal Skills, which takes some of those same concepts and opens them up to the public through Stanford Continuing Studies. The course is once again sold out with a waitlist. If you’ve signed up, I can’t wait to meet you.

In the world Executive Education, I’ve returned to facilitating Communicating With Impact at Stanford. I’m working with senior leaders around the globe to become savvy communicators who can get things done.

I mentioned late last year I’m cooking up a group coaching program. If you know me and my process, you know I’ve been doing lots of user interviews and experiments so I can make it an experience my one-year-old would say, “Wowww” to. (It’s her new favorite word).

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The Problem

You’ve spotted a huge gap at your organization, identified a solution, and you're fired up about rolling out a new initiative that you believe will transform the company. You know this upgrade will be amazing — improve efficiency, elevate impact, and ultimately drive growth. All you need is buy-in from your leadership teammates.

So why, then, does it seem like every time you bring up your great idea, it gets met with lukewarm responses? People brush it off, or say “sure!” without any follow-through. Your follow-up meetings get rescheduled, or worse, ignored. Why isn’t anyone taking your idea as seriously as you are?

The Insight

Here is the biggest mistake I see senior leaders make when trying to influence their peers:

You spend all your time talking about your great idea instead of discovering your teammates’ idea of great.

I’ve made this mistake too.

In sales, there’s a term for launching right into your pitch without understanding your audience’s needs first: pitch-slapping

It looks something like this:

Me: "Let me introduce this great idea to you! It’ll improve efficiency, save costs, and drive impact in five different ways. See these bullet points? Trust me, it’s a game-changer. Are you on board?"

Teammate: "Hmm, I’m not sure it’s the right time for that."

Me: "But, look! Bullet point #4 is particularly amazing – it’ll really make a difference. What do you think?"

Teammate: "I’m pretty booked with meetings. Let’s revisit this later."

Me: “But I’d really love your thoughts on how good this is and when we could start implementing.”

Teammate: “Yea, sure - send me a note and I’ll look at it later.”

Sound familiar? I used to focus on that one big ask and anxiously anticipate whether or not I’d hear a “yes” — without thinking about what my teammates actually needed to say “yes” in the first place.

What I didn’t realize until I went into sales is that there are dozens of smaller asks you need to make before you ever earn the right to make the big ask for the business.

So what are these small asks that prevent pitch-slapping and make all the difference?

The Experiment

When you want to influence your teammates, put your sales hat on. You are the seller, your teammates are your buyers. That’s why influence is called getting buy-in.

Here are a few things I asked buyers before I shared the great idea I was selling, and how they apply to you selling your great idea to your senior leadership teammates.

What Metrics Matter?
Understand what metrics matter to your teammates — what they are measuring themselves on organizationally and personally. Organizational metrics may have to do with revenue growth, customer satisfaction, or number of IT tickets. Personal metrics may have to do with visibility, protecting time, or autonomy.

For example: I’ve been thinking a lot about how how our systems are impacting our workflows. I know you’ve been working on XYZ and I’m wondering what, if anything, has been causing friction there when it comes to using our system?

[Listen to the response]

What’s going on for your team that’s making that the case?

[Listen to the response]

Which of your metrics is suffering most because of it?

What’s The Status Quo Costing Them?
Very few processes are perfect as is. Learn about your teammates’ current approach and what it’s costing them — it might be costing them time, accuracy, or transparency. Once you hear some type of pain, follow the breadcrumbs. Asking your teammates to share their pain is 1000x more powerful than you telling them about it.

For example (again, listen between each question): I hear how frustrating it is to use our system right now. Can you give me an example? How long has this been happening? What have you tried to solve it? How did that work out?

What Are Their Evaluation Criteria?
Before presenting your idea, it’s crucial to understand what criteria your teammates will use to evaluate it. Evaluation criteria go beyond business metrics and includes things like technical requirements, budget constraints, personnel needs, or timelines. Uncover the key factors they need to consider before committing to a new initiative.

For example: I’m hearing the current system is making you spend a lot of time on manual data entry and reporting and causing mistakes that are eating up even more of your team’s time to fix. Like a few hours a week per person. If we were to entertain updating the system, what would be important to consider to make the update as easy as possible for you?

Are You Talking To The Decision-Maker?
Sometimes you waste time asking a person to make the call when they don’t have the authority to. In a leadership team, think about the person who has the power to push an initiative through or to veto an initiative.

For example: I hear you that it’s got to integrate with what you’re already using and the learning curve can’t take up too much time. Who else is this system issue impacting?

Who’s Your Co-Conspirator?
A co-conspirator is someone with influence who can champion your idea alongside you. When others hear someone else they trust beating this dream, not just you, it carries more weight. This is especially important if you’re trying to influence a group or gain buy-in across multiple stakeholders.

For example: You mentioned IT and Finance are also impacted by this. Any idea of who might be particularly excited about a system upgrade?

What Is The Decision-Making Process?
Every leadership team has a different way of making decisions, and understanding this process is critical. You’ll likely have a sense already from being on the leadership team whether the team requires consensus, majority vote, or if one person has the final say. Then again, it’s prudent to confirm that this decision will follow the same decision-making process as prior decisions (not always the case).

For example: Have you, Finance, and IT made this kind of switch before? How do you all typically decide on these types of updates?

What’s Your Competition?
Understand what you’re selling against. Often the competition is the natural tendency to keep things the same. Other times the competition is other initiatives vying for the same pool of resources. When you know what you’re selling against, you can better frame how your idea has a greater positive impact on the metrics that matter.

Example: I’ll have a convo with Finance and IT too to see where they’re at. I know there’s a ton of projects on your plate coming up. How critical is this to address relative to what else you’re working on?

Imagine being equipped with all this data from all your stakeholders so you can position your great idea in terms of what’s matters to your buyers right now. As a reminder:

• Important: what matters

• Relevant: what matters to your buyer

• Urgent: what matters to your buyer right now

People move for urgency, and not much else.

The Takeaway 

When you want to get an initiative off the ground, don’t pitch-slap your teammates — it neither builds trust nor encourages buy-in.

Instead, focus on the small asks you make along the way to learn about your teammates’ priorities, challenges, and perspectives. Your teammates will feel more understood and you will be positioned to share your great idea in terms of what your buyers think is great.

Asking these questions is what maximizes your chance of earning the right to make the big ask. And when you get there, that big ask won’t feel so big anymore for you or your teammates. It’ll just be the natural next step.

2. The Goings On

Inner Radio turned 3 this year. I celebrated a birthday somewhere in there too. Coming back from parental leave in the spring was a bit of a blur, a whirlwind of resetting. I didn’t really know what a hard stop was until I came back to coaching trying to get a grip on time. There’s no "just 5 more minutes" when the baby’s crying or the nanny is heading out the door. My new time constraints forced a kind of focus I hadn’t experience before. And with that focus came clarity.

I got clearer on who I want to coach, what I want to coach on, and how I want to do it. One theme that’s been showing up more and more is the connection between sales and coaching. The skills I honed in sales — listening, empathizing, challenging assumptions, shifting perspectives, generating new options, and holding people accountable — are the same skills I use every day in coaching. And I get to share these sales skills with my clients, helping them build trust quickly, influence without authority, and quiet their inner critic to ask for what they want, just like I did.

One of the things I often work on with my clients is helping them focus on only doing the things only they can do. I’m finding peace in each step I take toward building a coaching business that only I can build. Thanks for coming along on this journey with me. Here's to the next chapter!

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The Problem

Are you pulling your hair out, waking up in the middle of the night stewing, and wasting countless hours stressing out about how to influence the Know-It-All in your life? You know, the person you say these things about:

“I can see it coming. When someone shares an idea in our leadership meeting, I guarantee she will respond with ‘I thought of that. And that won’t work because…’” 

“He holds people to such high standards that it feels suffocating. He gets frustrated when others can’t keep up, but he’s not helping them get there.”

“I can’t even ask a question without it turning into a defensive, combative debate.”

I’m not talking about the healthy, assertive “lead with conviction” kind of knowing that’s vital in leadership. No, this is the unyielding, insufferable, “I must always be right” kind. 

It’s exhausting to be around Know-It-Alls. The truth is, it’s exhausting to be a Know-It-All, too. I know–because I’ve been there.

The Insight

What fuels Know-It-All behavior? Often, it’s fear. For me, it was fear of losing credibility. The more status I got at work, the more I didn’t want to lose it. This loss aversion fueled my inner critic. It screamed: One wrong move and you’ll lose it all.

The story in my head was that changing my mind, saying I didn’t know, even praising my peers meant I was conceding I was second best at best. So I didn’t. That wasn’t fun for anyone.  

What finally cracked this case of hard headedness? A senior teammate whom I respected and who knew me well was kind enough to say:

You’re not playing in the big leagues.

What?! I thought I was doing everything right. In fact, I was obsessed with doing right and being right. But my teammate showed me how my behavior trying to influence was actually hurting my influence. Since then I have been acutely aware of the inner critic’s trickery, scaring us into Know-It-All tendencies like: 

• Staying rigid in the face of new information

• Struggling to empathize with other perspectives

• Constantly pointing out how unstrategic everyone else is

Take it from me, Know-It-Alls are unaware that their attempts to gain credibility are precisely the behaviors that are causing them to lose credibility. They’re not trying to be arrogant, they’re trying to be influential. They’re not trying to be insubordinate, they’re trying to be powerful. 

The Experiment

I’ve now worked with dozens of senior leaders trying to influence Know-It-Alls. If you’re hoping to influence the Know-It-All in your life, here are a few ideas to break through the noise. 

1. Recognize the Know-It-All In Us All

I can be a Know-It-All. So can you. Don’t believe me? Tell me if any of the following sound familiar:

Perfectionists: If everyone just did things the right way, to my standards, everything would be so much better.

Overhelpers: They need my help. They don’t realize it, but I know what will make things easier for them.

Winners: If they’d just follow my example, they’d be successful too. I know what it takes to win

Individualists: ​​No one else understands this as deeply as I do—I’m the only one who can really see the truth here

Researchers: I’ve done the research, so I know I’m right. They need to understand this as clearly as I do.

Skeptics: They’re not considering all the risks. I have to make sure they see what could go wrong.

Visionaries: They don’t realize how incredible this could be! I just have to get them to see the possibilities.

Challengers: No one’s willing to say it, but I will. I know I’m right, and I’ll make sure they hear it.

Peacemakers: I see both sides clearly—why can’t they?

My guess is one or more of those hits home. Recognizing our inner Know-It-All is a crucial first step in approaching the conversation with the mindset, tone, and messaging that is most likely going to get heard. Because trying to convince their Know-It-All while indulging yours? That’s doomed. 

2. Invite A Conversation

When working with clients frustrated with the behavior of the Know-It-All , I often ask my client if they know what’s behind the Know-It-All’s behavior.

100% of the time my clients’ initial answer is some version of “I have my assumptions, but I don’t know”.

To get through to the Know-It-All, lead by example and invite a conversation with genuine curiosity. What’s the easiest way to invite a conversation? With a question of course. That can be as simple as:

Hey, when you [insert behavior], what was going on for you? 

Then listen. The response will give you much more data about whether the behavior is a simple misunderstanding or a fundamental misalignment. The mistake I see leaders make is that they have “the feedback conversation” over and over again, but don’t ever ask the question, “what was going on for you?” and then get frustrated when the Know-It-All doesn’t respond. 

It’s pretty hard to feel motivated to change when you feel talked at rather than listened to. 

3. Speak their language

Once you listen and learn what the Know-It-All is attempting to achieve with their behavior, you can start framing the conversation in those terms. A few things the Know-It-All may be attempting to achieve: 

• Credibility: the reputation for being knowledgeable or an expert in a particular area

• Visibility: the degree one’s presence or contributions are recognized in a public setting

• Autonomy: the freedom to make decisions independently, allowing for self-direction and control

• Novelty: the preference for new, unusual, or innovative experiences

• Mastery: the desire to improve one’s skills, often through continuous learning and challenge

For example, if a teammate is shutting down other people’s ideas, thinking that it builds their credibility, you could respond with something like:

You know, that makes a lot of sense that you’re wanting to show up as a leader. I think that’s really important, too. And, I think highlighting some other team members’ ideas that support your vision would increase your influence and credibility by aligning the group towards a common goal. What do you think about trying it out in our next meeting?

4. Tell them you believe

We think trying to prove ourselves comes from the need to be believed. Trying to prove ourselves actually comes from the need to be believed in. The Know-It-All often craves a teammate who sees more in them than they see in themselves and who can help them minimize mistakes. If you can be this teammate, the Know It All will dig deep and find another gear for you. You might say:

You have such a sharp eye. I want to help you push your limits and discover what more you can do, beyond what you’ve already achieved.

5. Reward vulnerability

The Know-It-All has to see it to believe it. You give feedback with your reactions whether or not you use the word “feedback”. When a teammate changes their mind, asks genuine questions, or admits they don’t know something, celebrate it. Publicly. The Know-It-All’s comparison radar is sharp. They’ll notice. Your praise might nudge them toward similar behavior. 

I'd like to shout-out [Teammate's Name] for not being afraid to admit they were feeling confused during our discussion today. This kind of honesty is crucial for our growth and innovation and sharpened our thinking for the rest of the conversation.

The Takeaway

People in Know-It-All mode are often blind to how their behavior limits their influence. It’s hard to be in the room where it happens when your teammates don’t want you in the room. And while we easily spot these tendencies in others, we rarely recognize them in ourselves. 

The good news? When we approach these conversations strategically and with curiosity, we can break the cycle—for them and for us.

Just remember that whatever you say has to sound like you and match your relationship with the Know-It-All. In my case, my teammate was more direct with me because of our relationship. If navigating your specific difficult dynamics with Know-It-Alls feels overwhelming, you don’t have to struggle alone. Reach out to learn more about the strategies that amplify your leadership presence and allow you to ask for what you really want (from the Know-It-All and anyone else).

2. The Goings On

Let’s play a game. Find a friend and say, “Can I give you some feedback?”

Now say it again as nicely as you possibly can. What did you notice? If you’re like many of my workshop attendees, it turns out that no matter how nicely we ask this question, the person on the receiving end still immediately goes on defense.

This was a playful way to kickoff a recent workshop on feedback. By the end of the session I asked, “What word are we not going to use in our feedback?” and was met with a resounding “Feedback!” — I was tickled happy.

Speaking engagements have been a hugely fun addition to my coaching practice this year. The task of distilling many 1:1 coaching hours into a talk is no small task. But those who know me know I love a good storytelling challenge.

I was going to write about speaking at Ascend NorCal’s IAG Conference earlier this month. But then someone who attended my session wrote it better:

Turns out attendees from my other sessions on quieting the inner critic and building executive influence have a way with words too:

I coach people on asking for what they really want, so in taking my own advice:

I want as many people as possible to learn the skill of quieting their inner critic. I want as many people as possible to feel less stressed about giving and receiving feedback. I want as many people as possible to discover how to be more themselves in their leadership.

If you’re looking for people to say 👆🏼about your conference, retreat, or professional development event, I’m booking now for 2025. Let’s chat!

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Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio. She facilitates leadership courses at Graduate School of Business and coaches senior leaders to quiet their inner critic, discovery what they *really* want, and ask for it.

You finally landed the position of your dreams – leading an entire department or even an entire company. But suddenly it seems you need to be so careful with what you say or you could accidentally send your team into a tailspin.  

Remember those carefree days when collaboration meant tossing around ideas, soaking up feedback, and genuinely feeling like part of the team? Well, those days seem like a distant memory. Your role has changed. People’s perception of you has changed. Somehow you’re now simultaneously under a microscope and wielding a megaphone, leaving you feeling hindered and restrained.

I get it. Here are a few patterns that left me, and many of my clients, walking on eggshells: 

Do you know what’s on my plate? 

When I floated the initial spark of an idea to gather input, I was met with blank stares. I didn’t know what was going on. Was it a terrible idea? No, the blank stares were the team doing the calculus of how in the world they were going to execute on this big idea given what was already on their plate. 

Wait what? No, no, no, it was just an idea! But somehow my fledgling idea immediately turned into Priority #1.

Deflate gate

When someone brought an idea to me, I assumed they wanted my thought partnership, so I started teasing the idea out. I asked a seemingly innocent question: “How would we do that?” and witnessed the excitement drain from my team member’s face like a deflating balloon. 

Wait what? No, no, no, I’m trying to help! 

Everything is great…so great

When I asked for feedback, everything would be great. But if everything was great, I wouldn’t sense so strongly that everything wasn’t great. And then after hearing about issues second hand I asked, in frustration, why didn’t anyone tell me?!

Wait wait? No, no, no, I’m not mad. Please tell me when something is wrong.

I felt resigned, saddened, just really quite bummed that I couldn’t show up the way I used to. I couldn’t show up as me. I started holding back, becoming so cautious with my communication I wasn’t communicating nearly enough. My relationships suffered, my effectiveness suffered. 

After having a “this can’t be it” moment of reckoning, I realized that I was playing into a false narrative in my head.

• I can’t show up the way I used to – True

• I can’t show up as me – FALSE

I realized there are a lot of different ways I can show up as me. The challenge was discovering new, effective ways to. Rather than feeling hindered, looking at the challenge this way felt expansive, full of possibilities and discovery.

Part of stepping into leadership is expanding your repertoire. You can still show up as you, just differently. Here’s how:

Own your impact

If you’re leading a team, department, or company, you already have impact. Consider this a continuation of your impact journey. Your role-related influence has kicked up a notch. Your words carry more weight. Instead of shying away from reality, reframe. What becomes possible with your new influence? What’s your vision for your team? What do you want to get done? This is your chance to share your point of view at a new level. 

Share intent

The key is to share more, not less. As I mentioned, a simple one-off remark sharing your idea can be interpreted as, “Let’s do this immediately,” giving your team whiplash. Get clear on what your intention is and then share. It can be as simple as, “I’m sharing this idea to get the wheels turning, not to suggest any immediate changes.”

Similarly, when your teammate comes to you with an idea, a one-off question like “How would we do that?” can be interpreted as, “That’s a terrible idea. How would we even do that?” Mistaking your inquiry for interrogation happens when your teammate’s inner critic is whispering (or yelling), “Your manager isn’t going to take you seriously!” To quiet your teammate’s inner critic, share more of what you’re thinking: “I love your creativity, let’s dig a little deeper so I understanding your vision for this. How would you see us bringing this to life? I’m asking so I can help you think through the details.”

Get specific

When you want to remove barriers for your team, you ask for specifics on what you can do to help, right? Well, it turns out specificity helps both when you give help and when you ask for help. I’ve shared previously in this newsletter that asking, “Do you have any feedback for me?” doesn’t get you what you want. Instead, think about what it is you want feedback on. Maybe you want feedback on how you came off on a call with a strategic client. Get even more specific. What do you want feedback on about the call? If you’re worried you came off as too deferential, ask that. 

It’s the difference between: “Do you have any feedback for me?” and “Hey, can I check something out with you? In yesterday’s meeting with Strategic Client, I’m worried I came off too deferential and put the team in a tough spot. How did I come off to you?”

Recognize that your greater influence is an opportunity to share more of yourself, not less. So, enough with the eggshells. Your vision, your intent, your needs – they all matter. Embracing this evolution in your leadership will help you meet the new demands of your role and allow you to be a lot more…you.

And, if you want to learn more about how to bring more you into your leadership, let’s talk.

The Goings On

Who gets to coach amazing leaders every day? I do! This month I kicked off coaching The Obama Foundation USA Leaders. We’re already diving into how to wield influence and the importance of paying attention to work relationships, not just the work. It’s a joy to be a part of their journey to advance the common good. They are doing so much good.

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Want to learn more about how I help hungry leaders quiet their inner critic, discover what they want, and ask for it? Hit reply and let’s chat!

Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio and communication and leadership course facilitator at Stanford Graduate School of Business.

The Challenge: Stop using the word “feedback” in your feedback.

Stay with me for a moment. Imagine someone says to you, “I have some feedback for you.” What’s your first reaction? Where does your mind go? How does your body respond?

After asking dozens of leaders I’ve coached, the answers are clear:

• “Instant distrust. I feel anxious, like a pit in my stomach.”

• “I assume it’s the worst kind of feedback, probably personal. My mind immediately catastrophizes.”

• “My heart races, I start to review everything I’ve done wrong, and I get defensive—ready to push back before the conversation even starts.”

In other words, people don’t typically anticipate positive feedback. The word itself triggers stress. Our collective terrible experience with giving and receiving feedback means that we hear the word and assume the worst. Our inner critic has a feeding frenzy. 

When someone has something positive to say, they rarely start with, “I have feedback.” Instead, it’s, “Great presentation!” or “You handled that client call beautifully.” Positive responses come without the dreaded preamble.

And even for those of you who say you love feedback, let’s be honest: you’re still assuming the feedback is constructive, not celebratory.

I’m guilty of using “feedback” in my feedback, too. Early in my career, I was nervous about appearing authoritative and being respected. I wanted so badly to be taken seriously, so I put my serious face on. Little did I know that was the first step to putting others on the defensive. I didn’t know back then that giving feedback is not about being authoritative, it is about being heard.

For the longest time I struggled to find a better way to start feedback conversations. It wasn’t until I participated in—and later facilitated—leadership and communication courses at Stanford Graduate School of Business that I discovered feedback didn’t have to be a formal “giving” or “receiving” process. It could simply be a conversation. When we focus on what’s really going on for us, we can find better ways to turn these moments into opportunities for connection.

So here are five ways to initiate a conversation about the impact of someone’s actions, without using the F-word:

Sample scenario: You want to discuss an exchange from this week’s leadership meeting that didn’t go as hoped.

• “There was a moment in this week’s leadership meeting where I think we missed each other—do you have time to chat about it?”

• “I haven’t been feeling great about how our exchange went in the leadership meeting—can we discuss it?”

• “I’ve been reflecting on part of our conversation during the leadership meeting and think there’s something worth unpacking—are you free to chat?”

• “There was a point in the leadership meeting where I thought we weren’t fully aligned—could we take a moment to go over it together?”

• “I’ve been thinking about our discussion during the meeting, and there’s a part I’d love to revisit—do you have time to talk it over?”

Now, imagine hearing one of these compared to, “I have some feedback for you.” Feel the difference? These openers offer a smoother onramp to tough conversations because they:

• Reference a specific event: Avoid generalizations like, “You always do this.” That can feel like an attack on character. Instead, be specific, and it’ll feel less personal.

• Keep it relational: Acknowledge that it’s about the dynamic between you—not just about one person’s actions.

• Invite dialogue: Each one ends with an invitation to talk, not an accusation. It’s a gesture of curiosity and openness.

From my days in sales, I learned the importance of semantics. How we ask questions matters and can shape the entire outcome. These are a few phrases that would work for me, but ultimately the words have to work for you. Tinker around with the phrasing, say the words out loud. Keep these key principles in mind: specific, relational, dialogue-driven.

And, if you want help finding your phrases and feeling more confident in those tough conversations, I can help.

The Goings On

I’ve had an on-again off-again relationship with wanting to run my own group coaching program. Not because I don’t see group coaching as valuable, but because I hadn’t landed on a combination of approach, content, and timing that works for me. Over the last few months I’ve had the opportunity to experiment and discover a world where group coaching could both work for me and work for the leaders I support. I coached small groups, big groups, groups whose members knew each other, and groups whose members didn’t. In the process, a few insights emerged loud and clear:

• Self-awareness is the foundation for self-leadership

• So much professional dysfunction stems from an overactive inner critic, which wreaks havoc on our tough conversations

• An immersive, peer-driven learning environment speeds up the integration of new mindsets and skillsets…by a lot

This is all to say, I’ve changed my relationship status with running group coaching to “on-again”, so expect to hear more about it soon.

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Want to learn more about how I help hungry leaders quiet their inner critic, discover what they want, and ask for it? Hit reply and let’s chat!

Jennifer Ouyang Altman is the CEO and Founder of Inner Radio and communication and leadership course facilitator at Stanford Graduate School of Business.