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WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE, OH. – As excitement builds across the United States for the upcoming total eclipse, joint US military units at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base have been busily setting up ominous “gate-shaped” structures covered in what appear to be ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. The structures, surrounded by statues of various pagan deities, are located by the airfield, which is located directly in the path of totality.

“It’s just an exercise,” said Col. Ariel Batungbacal, commander of the National Air and Space Intelligence Center. “There is no need to worry or to smear the blood of lambs over the doors of your homes.”

“Hail Anubis,” she added.

Residents near Wright-Patterson have recently complained about the increase in air traffic in the area, as multitudes of aircraft have been heard, but not actually observed, arriving at the base in the dead of night. Reports of “pulsating, tortured wailing” emanating from the airfield have also risen over the past weeks.

“This exercise is really bad timing, too,” said Dayton farmer John Tweedle. “All of a sudden there’s all these locusts flying around. They don’t seem to be going to the base, though. Maybe they’re scared.”

In a posting to the 88th Wing’s Facebook page, residents were urged to “shut their sinful mouths.”

According to Capt. Amanda Carter, spokesperson for the 88th Wing, preparations for Exercise PURIFYING FIRE have been underway for “millennia, um, I mean, for months.”

Indeed, witnesses on base have reported seeing numerous sarcophagi, altars, and various ancient relics unloaded from C17s over the past weeks. “Which is standard in any military exercise,” Capt. Carter explained.

Carter then provided some details of the exercise to help ensure minimal disruption for the public as they enjoy the “soul-cleansing” experience during the eclipse.

“In this case, there may be some disruptive sounds, as we are…testing new engines…that sound like the coordinated chanting of hundreds of acolytes. You may safely ignore these but please ensure your entire family has bathed and washed themselves clean prior to the eclipse.”

All leave for base personnel has been canceled for Exercise PURIFYING FIRE. Any service members not directly participating in exercise rituals are encouraged to “join their families during the eclipse and to cower before the searing Judgment to come.”

According to the Wright Patterson Military and Family Support Center, the exercise is expected to conclude at the end of the eclipse, or when the purification of the Earth has been completed, whichever comes first.

W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer/podcaster for Blowout in Damper Three.

Obviously a false flag operation designed to make Russia look bad.

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MOSCOW— Newly re-elected Russian president, Vladimir Putin has offered his sympathy and support to the city of Baltimore following what he called a “brazen attack by the Nazi Ukraine government” on the Francis Scott Key Bridge. The recent bridge collapsed after a cargo ship collided with it, resulting in the tragic death of six people, four of whom remain missing. The tragedy on the Baltimore bridge comes on the heels of a deadly terrorist attack on a concert hall in the Moscow suburbs that, though loudly claimed by ISIS-K, Putin revealed this was all the work of Ukraine as part of their efforts to destroy freedom and democracy across the globe. 

“My president is very smart and sees through foreign influence,” remarked Katerina Zaitseva, a former lingerie model and staffer for Putin’s administration. “He has recognized that Ukraine is to blame for everything from that terrorist attack to the bridge collapse but also famines and impotence in men with extremely high levels of testosterone, like himself.”

However, some officials in Baltimore disagree with Putin’s assertion.

“Ukraine didn’t attack our bridge and DEI didn’t fail our infrastructure maintenance,” said Baltimore’s mayor, Brandon Scott while desperately trying to explain basic physics to a crowd of constituents.

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WASHINGTON, DC — Hot on the heels of their previous controversial decision striking down the progressive Army tattoo policy, the Supreme Court has shaken the Department of Defense to its very core by declaring that enlisted members are ‘people’. 

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts said, “While it leaves a bad taste in my mouth, not unlike Military Special brand vodka, this court can no longer deny that enlisted service members are, in fact, people, and are entitled to be treated as such.”

Writing separately, former Army Captain Justice Alito reluctantly concurred. “Whether they be Joes or Janes, Devil Dogs or Swabbies; whether they be called Schmitty, Snuffy, or Schmuckatelli, or TED, NUB, Boot, or Seaman Timmy, this court feels that each enlisted member must be considered a full person under the meaning of the constitution, and is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, however misguided their pursuits may be.” 

At the insistence of the Supreme Court First Sergeant, Justice Alito clarified that liberty was “obviously subject to timely completion of all online training and not being red on dental.”

Specialist Zachary Alderman, E-4 Mafia union representative for the National Capital Region, praised the decision, calling it long overdue. “We finna get the respect we deserve, like, now when shops don’t want to honor our extremely legitimate punch cards entitling us to a two for one deal on Zyn pouches, we can be like, a person’s a person, no matter how sus.”  

The lone dissenting opinion came from Justice Thomas, who expressed concerns that enlisted members and their paltry paychecks could never afford amenities such as the yachts and motorcoaches that are at the essence of what it means to be a person in America.

“Enlisted ‘members’ have failed for several generations to pull themselves up by their combat bootstraps and prove themselves worthy of the moniker ‘people.’ I would instead look to the framers' intent for a compromise that would deem that enlisted ‘members’ should be considered no more than 2/5ths of a person.” 

In a surprising twist, the ruling drew criticism from none other than Senator Tommy Tuberville who expressed that although corporations and embryos were definitely people, extending personhood to enlisted members made as much sense as letting women grow beards or punting on the first down. 

Reactions among the military services have been mixed. Seafaring organizations such as the Merchant Marines, Navy, and Coast Guard were all against the decision, while the land-based services seemed more accepting of the notion that enlisted members are not mere automatons present only for service to, and glorification of, a stratified commissioned culture. The aliens in the Space Force applauded the decision, while the Air Force simply pointed out that they granted personhood to enlisted Airmen more than thirty years ago.

Property book officers across the military celebrated when it was announced that the national stock number for enlisted members would be phased out in light of their new status as ‘people’.

“People joke about how certain equipment often grows legs and walks away,” said Chief Warrant Officer 2 Harold Foombler. “But can you even imagine how hard it is to keep track of equipment that actually HAS legs AND gets easily distracted by shiny objects? This is a real game changer for loggies everywhere.”

Military leaders from Russia and China mocked the decision. Vice Marshal Ri Yong-gil of the Korean People’s Army said that the ruling shows just how weak the imperialist American military is, praising the sharply contrasting DPRK legal framework which simply states that no one is considered a person. 

Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh and As For Class contributed to reporting

Ironic Major is a writer for @DuffelBlog. Aspiring mumble rapper. Notorious party crasher. Common sense aficionado. He also does balloon animals at parties.

Cereal: It’s what’s for dinner.

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In a groundbreaking response to the ongoing criticism surrounding its handling of soldier nutrition and financial allowances for food, the U.S. Army has proudly announced the launch of its innovative "Cereal for Dinner" DFAC Program. 

The initiative will “provide a cost-effective and crunchy solution to the dietary dilemmas faced by our nation's defenders,” according to Army spokesperson Brig. Gen. Chuck Mills.

“What better way to deal with a complex issue than eating a bowl of cereal?” asked Mills. “Heck, that’s how my wife got through my third deployment.”

The program, described as "A Warrior Breakfast", aims to offer a diverse selection of cereals, ranging from the sugary delights of childhood to the fiber-rich options that promise to keep our soldiers regular, if not satisfied.

It’s like this one, but not this one.

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ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY, Va. — Secretaries of the military branches presided over a ceremony this morning to dedicate a statue of interracial gay troops kissing where a confederate statue once stood, sources confirm.

A large crowd wearing rainbow attire cheered as Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin, Army Secretary Christine Wormuth, and Navy Secretary Carlos Del Toro unveiled the bronze figures of a white male officer wrapped in the arms of a Black male soldier, their lips locked in fiery passion.

The base of the new statue previously held a confederate memorial that was removed last year as part of the Pentagon’s “No More Glorification For Traitors” cemetery improvement project. 

“It is a testament to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion that we have unveiled this statue on the 163rd anniversary of the Confederate constitution’s approval,” Austin said in his remarks before introducing the sculpture’s creator, Saffron Monsoon, to a long round of applause.

Monsoon, a 22-year-old white woman from St Louis, chanted a Nepalese blessing before they/them said “I/we thank you for gazing upon my/our vision of global peace.” Monsoon acknowledged the artwork’s similarity to Frederick Hart's famous “Three Servicemen” statue. “Mr. Hart depicted the officer in the middle reaching out to hold hands with the soldier next to him,” they said. “This life-size sculpture captures their emotional conclusion.”

Not everyone was happy with the Pentagon’s decision to replace a statue dedicated to a militia that tried to overthrow the federal government in 1861. Forty Republican lawmakers fought to keep it until an indignant Virginia Gov. Glenn Youngkin sent it to a military institute whose cadets gave their lives to overthrow the federal government in 1864.

Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops every month at the commissary as required by law.

I develop junior officers and mold my Sailors.

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SAN DIEGO, Ca. — A Navy Chief Petty Officer faces punishment for uncommon and uncharacteristic behavior. Shocking subordinates, peers, and seniors alike, Chief Eduard Valencia-Marasigan was reported for excessive transparency, dignified comportment, and an unusually high standard of mentorship as it concerns naval officers, his peers, and most tellingly, junior sailors. 

Valencia-Marasigan, a Chief Boatswain’s Mate, checked in aboard USS Essex in November 2023, and has served with quiet dignity until he was discovered conducting thoughtful career development boards with sailors in his division, showing appropriate concern for their health and welfare, and expressing ideas for future individual development outside of naval service, going so far as providing physical brochures for education programs and tuition assistance for Naval personnel. All witnesses to the event agreed that Valencia-Marasigan gave this information willingly to all sailors.

One sailor present was an especially young and impressionable Seaman Recruit Hawa Abdi, who as of this reporting, is only eighteen years old. “I was really shocked by Chief Val,” said Abdi. “First, he told us that our time was valuable and gave us early liberty for painting the foc’sle so quickly, and then here he is telling me, specifically, that I could apply to Annapolis if I wanted to!”

Innovative, paradigm-breaking thinking.

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THE PENTAGON – As the US military continues to struggle with lagging recruiting efforts, the Army has announced ambitious plans to fill their ranks using a program that “am lower standards more” to attract “more recruit[s].”

According to a press release from the Pentagon, the “Join Army, Bro!” campaign is aimed at those citizens who may have thought the Army was too “cerebral” before.

“Not everyone is a rocket scientist who can score a 21 on the ASVAB,” said MSgt. Cherry Thomas, from the US Army Recruitment Command. “We need warm bodies, and we need them now. Our message is if you can tell your ass from a hole in the ground two out of three times,” she said, holding up four fingers to demonstrate, “then your country needs you.”

The reasons for the service’s current recruitment difficulties are many. Low unemployment gives young people more stable pay that isn’t threatened by Congressional dysfunction, for example. And some polls indicate today’s youth may not like living in mold-choked barracks or living under the threat of food insecurity.

In such a challenging recruitment environment, the Army had a tough choice: either make the Army a more appealing career option or do nothing and hope they could fill their ranks with a new slogan and lower standards.

“Fingers crossed we made the right choice!” said Michael P. Brady, Deputy Chief of the accidentally renamed Army Office of Pubic Affairs.

“Is it really all that important that a soldier doesn’t know the difference between “there,” their”, and “they’re?” Brady asked. “What we’re saying is, the Army is no longer an Ivory Tower. If you can find your way to a recruiter, we’ll make sure you get into a uniform.”

Reactions to the new standards have been mixed.

“We don’t need more mouth-breathers,” said Sgt. Randy LaFleur. “I already got soldiers who can’t understand the difference between a protest and an insurrection. I don’t need more chum in the water.”

Comments from potential recruits supporting the drive towards lower standards were not ready at press time, as the would-be soldiers declined to answer questions because they were afraid the “government would be able to track them down.”

W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer/podcaster for Blowout in Damper Three.

Marines gather demanding billeting at Disciplinary Barracks

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FORT LEAVENWORTH, KS — In an unexpected turn of events, former Marine Sgt. Guddy Hartman, recently sentenced to a ten-year term at the United States Disciplinary Barracks in Fort Leavenworth, expressed his gratitude for the transfer, citing the “luxuriously spacious and mold-free” living conditions as a significant upgrade from his previous barracks.

“It’s like I’ve won the housing lottery,” Hartman exclaimed, his voice echoing off the pristine walls of his new solo cell. “Back at Camp Pendleton, my room was so cramped, my elbows would touch both walls when I did my morning push-ups. And let’s not even talk about the mold situation. I thought I had a roommate for the longest time! Turns out it was just a wicked case of black mold that had been there so long it gained sentience.”

Hartman, convicted of “borrowing” a Humvee for an impromptu road trip to Vegas, was initially apprehensive about his sentence. However, his fears were quickly assuaged upon discovering that his new accommodations included a personal toilet, a bed without mysterious stains, and air quality that didn’t trigger his allergies.

“The air in here is so clean, I can actually breathe without wheezing. I’ve even stopped coughing up blood,” Hartman noted with a hint of joy. “I mean, sure, I miss the camaraderie of my fellow Marines, but on the bright side, I don’t have to deal with Corporal Stevens’ snoring anymore. It’s like a symphony of peace and quiet in here.”

Trust us, this would be really funny if it were moving

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US MILITARY ACADEMY, WEST POINT, N.Y. –  The United States Military Academy (USMA) at West Point is enjoying a surge in popularity after replacing its entire mission statement with a hilarious TikTok video of its mascot mule dancing.

West Point has recently suffered criticism for removing “duty, honor, country” from its mission statement. But USMA spokesperson Col. Shaun Carver said, “What really surprised us was that somebody actually read the mission statement at all. Who does that? Even at training meetings we blow right through that slide and skip ahead to watching football team videos.”

Carver emphasized that some of West Point’s critics are apparently unaware that “Duty, Honor, Country” remains the USMA motto. Or that the nine previous changes to the mission statement were routine events and usually ignored, like most staff work.

To enhance strategic messaging, a panel of senior West Point staff sought a replacement for the mission statement with a more modern and relatable description of the USMA environment. “The clear winner from that panel,” Carver said, “was a dancing mule video.”

The 25-second video shows “Stryker,” one of two USMA mascot mules, jumping excitedly and shaking his head just before his morning feeding. “It holds my attention and makes me smile,” Carver said, “that never happens with a mission statement.”

The only problem the panel faced, said Carver, was picking which mule video to post. “We have another one of Stryker doing a really cute dance and shaking his hind quarters at brushing time. He’s got better moves than most instructors and staff here.”

In a separate letter for USMA graduates, Superintendent Lt. Gen. Steve Gilland said, “West Point has led the nation in military education since 1802. Now we will lead in the field of distracting people with adorable animal videos. Cats can’t keep getting all the attention.”

Some observers applaud the move. “This takes the air out of complaints about its old-style mission statement,” said media relations expert Sandra Wielding. She said that by using the historical mascot the video says, “West Point: come for tradition, stay for the dance party.’ It’s very media-savvy.”

With over 200,000 views on its first two days of launch, the video is West Point’s most popular posting ever. It surpassed the previous record for a video compilation of graduates emotionally overreacting to any kind of sports win over the Naval Academy. Officials believe the TikTok post also influenced a 30% increase in visits to the West Point recruiting website, with a remarkable uptick in visits from the People’s Republic of China.

Carver said West Point is ready for more criticism as the nation discusses potential security issues with the TikTok platform. “We’ll see how much intelligence work they get done in Beijing while they’re captivated and laughing their asses off by Stryker’s dance,” he said.

Bull Winkle is a retired Army mule skinner and author of an untold number of mission statements.

Prepare to be amazed over the course of a three week OPT.

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FORT EUSTIS, Va. — Recognizing a threat to their existence, Army Majors have successfully lobbied to stop generative AI like ChatGPT from learning and using the military decision-making process, or MDMP. ChatGPT has quickly become the most popular new tech in the world with users all over Europe, Africa, and one guy in North Korea. With its recent updates, this AI can understand millions of subjects and summarize complex issues all within seconds, just like IPPS-A. It is very familiar with the military’s many regulations and processes.

MDMP is a seven-step planning process built over years of trial and error, experience, and war. One will typically find it as the focus of professional military education for senior leaders. Army Majors focus on this skill and use it to plan exercises and real-world missions. MDMP could almost be said to be the whole reason the rank even exists. Lieutenant Colonels are the battalion commanders, Captains are the company commanders, Majors are, well…there. Being good at MDMP is not just their one skill, it can also be their entire personality.

“When my wife doesn’t know where to eat, I break out my whiteboard, markers, and template I was provided in ILE,” said Maj. Ryan Johnson, a thrice divorced, self-proclaimed family man. “Our mission: get good food. Our courses of action: Popeyes, Burger King, or Popeyes.”

Recognizing ChatGPT for the threat to field grade life as they know it, a consortium of Army Majors was able to use the 90 minutes of free time they get every third Sunday of the month to lobby their congressmen and women to keep MDMP out of the AI’s virtual hands. They were successful and now have another bullet for their OER.

“Look, until this AI tool is willing to work late hours and sleep in its own office, we will always be better,” claimed Maj. Johnson. “Plus, it’s not like it could earn a top block anyway…wait, this GPT thing can’t get a top block, can it?!”

Silicon Valley was quick to condemn the move. “Our AI tools could easily work through this MDMP and provide you with valuable solutions within seconds,” said Ricky Chung, a twenty-three-year-old executive from OpenAI. “Not only is the basic version of ChatGPT free, but the advanced version is only $20 a month, nearly four times less than what the average Maj. pays in child support.”

For now, the Army will have to survive without the advanced technology that literally every other organization on the planet is using, but industry insiders say as soon as McDonnell-Douglas develops a more expensive and wildly less capable version acquisition programs will commence.

CodeRed is a weekend warrior who is only skilled in quoting Star Wars and giving extremely accurate political advice.

Don’t scratch the paint, Jack!

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THE WHITE HOUSE – Lt. Col. Jason Schmutz will be required to ‘dummy cord’ the President’s Emergency Satchel, commonly referred to as the ‘nuclear football,’ to his body after leaving it on top of President Biden’s 1967 Corvette Stingray, sources confirmed today. 

“What a f*cking newb,” White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients told the Duffel Blog. “The nuclear football sat on the hood of the President’s ‘shaggin’ wagon’ for the better part of an hour while Schmuckatelli was stuffing his face.”

This is not the first time sensitive materials were left in the vicinity of the president’s sports car. In 2023, it came to light that President Biden had classified documents stored in his garage next to his Corvette.

“Look, Jack –  [the classified documents] were in a locked garage under a stack of Juggs magazines,” Biden told reporters. “It’s not like they were laying around the house or in a pile next to the crapper, c’mon man.”

Sources say Schmutz was eating lunch in the West Wing when he stopped eating and looked around his seat, turned pale, and ran out of the Navy Mess. By the time he reached the President’s Corvette, a Secret Service agent had secured the nuclear briefcase and handed it over to the White House Military Office sergeant major. 

“Missing something, sir?”, the sergeant major asked, the briefcase sitting on his desk next to a large spool of 550 paracord. “I spoke with the Chief of Staff and he thought it might be a good idea if we made it, uhh, a bit more difficult to leave your weapon system here behind, hooah?”

Schmutz, an Army infantry officer and former West Point rugby player, was hand-selected to be the military aide who carried the nuclear football based on his otherwise impeccable career, impressive physical stature, and ability to run two miles in under thirteen minutes. Insiders say Schmutz’s run time may slow down now that he will have the football, rumored to be a Commodore 64 computer, in the large leather satchel ‘dummy corded’ to his body at all times for the next six months - a corrective measure typically reserved for servicemembers who lose accountability of a sensitive item such as a rifle or night vision goggles.

“He messed up but I think he can still recover,” Schmutz’s colonel said as he signed career-ending UCMJ paperwork for an enlisted servicemember who lost his government cell phone. “He’s a good officer and man can he run fast.”

At press time, Schmutz was seen walking toward Marine One next to the President, the nuclear football tethered to his Army Green Service Uniform belt.

Whiskey Fueled Tirade is a retired Army guy, distilled spirit consumer, and most likely a dirty, dirty contractor. If you have a favorite whiskey, recommend it to him on X/Twitter @FueledTirade or on Bluesky at @fueledtirade.bsky.social

There are few sins a good haircut OR fast PFT can’t absolve. Pattersburg picked hair.

FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Maj. Kevin Pattersburg, a staff officer at the 18th Airborne Corps, has been turning heads not just for being significantly obese but for his exceptionally well-groomed haircut. While at 5’11” he tips the scales at 300 pounds, Pattersburg maintains a haircut that is the epitome of military precision and order and that is good enough for most.

“Sure, Major Pattersburg might have let himself go in other areas,” said Colonel Rick Flair, his commanding officer. “But damn it, look at his hair! The man is an absolute perfectionist. Clearly dedicated! It’s as if each strand is personally accountable to the Army Regulation!”

Pattersburg’s hair, which has been described as a masterpiece of military grooming standards, has become a source of pride and a topic of lighthearted jest among his colleagues. “We’ve got a running joke here,” chuckled Lt. Col. Jennifer Smith. “The Major might be violating a platoon’s worth of height and weight regulations, but his hair could pass any inspection, any time, any place. And who can argue with that kind of dedication to a standard that requires almost no effort whatsoever but has somehow come to be conflated with ‘professionalism’?”

Free to a good home. Or anywhere, really.

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WASHINGTON, DC - In a move that has Pentagon insiders both bewildered and amused, the United States Air Force has made an unprecedented offer to donate its fleet of A-10 Thunderbolt II aircraft, affectionately known as “Warthogs,” to Ukraine. Or, in a surprising twist, to “literally anyone else who will take them off our hands,” as one exasperated official put it.

“We’re pretty much begging at this point,” said Air Force spokesperson Lt. Col. Barry Flightpath. “We’ve tried everything – Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, even a lemonade stand-style pitch outside the Pentagon. If you’ve got a ZIP code, we’ve got an A-10 for you.”

The A-10, known for its distinctive “BRRRT” sound and unparalleled close air support capabilities, has long been a subject of contention within the Air Force. With modernization efforts in full swing and budgets tighter than the cockpit of an F-35, the service is looking to offload the aging aircraft to make room for newer, shinier toys.

“We thought about making them into a trendy pop-up hotel experience,” Flightpath mused, flipping through a PowerPoint deck titled ‘Operation Warthog AirBnB.’ “But then we figured, why not just give them to Ukraine? Or, I don’t know, a well-organized homeowners association? Really, we’re not picky.”

Ukraine, currently bolstering its defenses against aggression, has responded with cautious optimism. “We appreciate the gesture,” said Ukrainian Defense Minister Oleksii Reznikov, scratching his head. “But we were kind of hoping for something that doesn't come with a VHS instructional manual.”

The offer has also piqued the interest of various unconventional entities, from aspiring warlords to eccentric billionaires looking for the ultimate lawn ornament. “I’ve always wanted my own air force,” beamed Elon Musk, eyeing a glossy brochure of the A-10. “Maybe I’ll start a Mars militia. Do you think these things can fly in space? I bet I can get them to fly in space.”

In an effort to sweeten the deal, the Air Force has thrown in an assortment of incentives, including free delivery, a year’s supply of 30mm GAU-8 Avenger ammunition, and a buy-one-get-one-free coupon redeemable for any decommissioned military aircraft.

“We’re even throwing in a set of steak knives and a year’s subscription to ‘Jets Monthly,’” Flightpath added with a hint of desperation. “Come on, folks. Help us help you help us clear some hangar space.”

The other services are shocked at the unfolding events.

“We’ve literally been trying to buy the Warthog program for over a decade,” Army official Col. Stewart said during an Air Force press conference. “Like, seriously. This is the only close air support aircraft we all trust. I’ve waved to Warthog pilots before and I can see their hands wave back.

The argument that broke out was not without unique sources of drama, though.

“Get f*cked, we want them!,” screamed Commandant of the Marine Corps Gen. Eric Smith. “Right now! I’ll take them right now and we’ll even scrap the Osprey program if you let me get my hands on these murder tanks with wings! I mean, we got rid of our tanks, so this could be a perfect replacement.”

“Ahem. SOCOM called dibs years ago,” said a shadow at the back of the room. “The terrorists across the globe have been missing the beautiful ‘BRRRT’ as much as we have.”

The Air Force appeared to not hear any of the previous conversation. His face buried in his hands, Flightpath muttered, “We just can’t figure out how to get rid of this aircraft. No one wants it! The Pentagon keeps acting like the Air Force is made out of money!”. Wiping tears from his face with his Air Force-issued Gucci scarf, Flightpath continued, “We just can’t sustain this thing forever. It’s time to build the next trillion-dollar next-generation fighter.”

The press conference ended when someone in the audience asked how the Air Force was able to sustain the B-52 program.

As the offer stands, the world watches with bated breath to see who will be the next proud owner of America’s most beloved flying tank. Meanwhile, A-10 pilots are reportedly taking bets on whether their trusty steeds will end up defending freedom or adorning the Instagram feeds of the rich and famous.

Grumpy contributed to reporting.

As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction.

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Back to the SCIF!

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FT. BELVOIR, Va. - Championing a new incentive to retain more intelligence talent across the US Armed Forces amidst a recruiting crisis, Command Sgt Maj. Kyle Gilliam is on a mission to convince other senior enlisted leaders to look eastward, into the rising sun. Convinced that the consumption of erotic Japanese animation is the “new nicotine” Gilliam urged fellow senior enlisted leaders at a Joint Senior Enlisted Intelligence Leadership Conference to immediately implement a hentai allowance for intelligence troops who already spend much of their time alone in dark rooms.

“If you look in any of your junior soldier’s barracks right now, I guarantee you will find some sort anime paraphernalia,” Gilliam said. “It all clicked for me when I saw an anime pillow during a barracks inspection. I asked the Soldier what the pillow was about and he said, ‘That's my waifu, Sergeant Major.’ I didn't know what that meant, but he screamed at the top of his lungs if anyone touched it, and I thought, ‘Bingo!’.”

WASHINGTON — The Biden Administration has reprimanded Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin for abusing Walter Reed's sick call appointments to get out of attending the 2024 State of the Union Address and other White House meetings.

Caught red-handed playing Helldivers 2 in his barracks room on Friday, the secretary scrambled to find an on-the-spot excuse as the president stood at the door berating him.

“So what about that appointment Austin, you look like you’re feeling better huh?” demanded President Biden, according to senior administration officials.

“Um sir, the appointment was canceled so I was just going to head in after chow,” Austin stuttered to an indignant president. “I told Mayorkas to give me notes aft…,” he gasped before being interrupted by the Commander in Chief.

“Get your kit and get your ass on the field now!” Biden demanded as the secretary scrambled to find his load-bearing equipment.

White House officials grew suspicious of the Secretary’s previous-conveniently placed Walter Reed appointments.

“You can’t bullshit a bullshitter,” smirked Vice President Harris. “I know all the tricks and when I saw him turn a three-day into a four-day, or always having his appointments during morning PT on one too many occasions I knew he was full of it.”

White House Inspector General Mark Garcia discovered compelling evidence of the Secretary’s malingering such as blank sick call receipts, and uncovered search results on how to get a positive COVID result.

“A positive COVID test immediately after New Years?” asked Harris. “Give me a break”.

The secretary was proficient after his decades of service in covering his tracks. Walter Reed officials said Austin made and canceled appointments, presumably so he could get screenshots of appointment times. Witnesses also reported the defense secretary as going inside to play ping-pong at the MWR facility until those who dropped him off cleared the area.

“Sorry sir I can’t go into appointment details due to HIPPA,” was an all-too-common defense. Other close calls were covered up by the Secretary saying that it was moved to a telehealth appointment that had to be somewhere private, such as his barracks room.

Sources tell Duffel Blog that after a three-hour hazing on the White House lawn, a defeated defense secretary was posted outside the Oval Office carpet. Reports speculate that this is in anticipation of his ultimate punishment.

Austin was last seen at the Pentagon south gate scanning ID cards over the weekend.

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ST. LOUIS - Local resident Gary Hinkle, a 34-year-old self-described "free thinker," faces a conundrum that has left even the most open-minded community members scratching their heads. 

After spending the last year expressing his "sympathy" for figures like Osama Bin Laden and more recently Vladimir Putin, Hinkle is now lost in a moral maze, struggling to decide which global terrorist deserves his misplaced compassion next. 

"It's a tough choice, really," Hinkle sighs, while carefully dusting his collection of controversial leader figurines. "Each of these men had a dream, a vision—misguided, sure, but who am I to judge? There are two sides to every coin!”

Hinkle's quandary is emblematic of a broader, more disturbing trend in today’s society where segments of the population, disenchanted with conventional politics, have veered dangerously close to the edges of extremist ideologies.

"I find their resilience fascinating," Hinkle said, oblivious to the irony of his statement. “Sure they’re convicted war criminals guilty of killing thousands of people, but they’re people too, ya know? They deserve to have their voices heard.”

The psychological underpinnings of this phenomenon have left experts both concerned and perplexed. 

Dr. Taylor Marks, a renowned political psychologist, points out, "There's a fine line between an interest in historical villains and the outright romanticization of figures responsible for unspeakable atrocities. I mean, my barber is now offering ‘The Hitler’ haircut for Christ’s sake. Where is the line?" 

Nonetheless, for Hinkle, the appeal seems rooted in a contrarian desire to empathize with those universally condemned, a stance that brings him a sense of perverse pride. 

"Everyone loves an underdog, right?" he quipped. 

Neighbors and local community members are equally torn on how to approach Hinkle, whose eccentricity once deemed comedically harmless, now tiptoes into the realm of the socially reprehensible. 

"We used to think Gary was just into dark history. But sympathizing with terrorists? That's where I draw the line," said Mary Patterson, a concerned neighbor who once considered Hinkle's "Gulag Garden Gnome" an odd, yet harmless, quirk.

With unlimited access to both information and misinformation, individuals like Hinkle are at a greater risk of falling into echo chambers that reinforce their controversial beliefs. 

"I'm looking for someone who speaks to me, you know? Someone who challenges the status quo," Hinkle said. “Someone who just does what they want, says what they want, when they want, and how they want, without any regard for the world around them.”

In a society increasingly captivated by the cult of personality, Hinkle's search for the next figure of his misguided sympathy is more than a personal crisis—it's a symptom of a much larger, more concerning trend.

"It's just listening to their side of the story," Hinkle concluded. “Our history is filled with genocidal maniacs, most of whom are probably just misunderstood heroes.”

Clay Beyersdorfer is a writer and comedian in St. Louis. He also manages the social media accounts for Duffel Blog and is the Editor in Chief of End of the Bench, a satirical sports publication on Substack. He does not have an OnlyFans account but aspires to be good-looking enough to start one day.

The Geo-Bachelor: One per diem payment away from love.

ARMED FORCES NETWORK — Following the commercial successes of The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, and Golden Bachelor, Armed Forces Network is dipping its feet into the reality television market with The Geo-Bachelor. Camera crews followed married Army Captain Steven Sharpe at his Captain’s Career Course where women competed for his affections in hopes of ultimately becoming his TDY-wife. 

“With my wife and two children back home in Fort Carson, my bed was growing extremely cold at night. The twenty women I met were a mixture of bartenders, nurse technicians, and even other women in my course. It was a hard-fought competition, so you’ll just have to watch and see who the lucky lady is at the end of it all,” said Sharpe. “Throughout the season, viewers will see women compete in various competitions such as ‘Who Can Shotgun a Busch Lite the Fastest?’, ‘Twerk-a-thon’, and ‘Tell Me About Your Daddy Issues’. It’s an epic romance told over twelve episodes.”

Without the incentive of dual income, health care, or assured housing, Sharpe found other ways to woo the women of Enterprise and Dothan, Alabama; showering them with Applebee’s Dollar-itas, pay-per-view movies in his temporary housing, and rental pontoon boat rides at the local lake. And at the end of his TDY, he gave the winning woman the promise that he will see her again when he returns for a staff assignment, with the caveat that her body must not age while he is away.

“I’ve always said that love is a hell of a drug and there’s nothing like the love that forms with a barracks bunny on a TDY. That short fire burns oh so bright. The sweet nothing promises of leaving my wife and children make it that much sweeter, even though I have no intention of doing so. The lucky twenty ladies of LA (Lower Alabama) will be completely swept off their feet for 120 days” said Sharpe, in a promotional video for the The Geo-Bachelor. “Wait… Is my wife going to see this? I’m sorry, I’ve got to make a quick call.” 

The American people can catch the new series on AFN following the replay of the 2002 Super Bowl every Monday starting March 22, 2024. 

Medal of Dishonor likes jello shots and dancing on the bar at the Flora-Bama.

Some people like a long, hard pounding in a group setting. America is always down.

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US CENTRAL COMMAND, Tampa, Fl.—The expanding chaos in the Middle-East that has shocked international security experts has come as less of a surprise to members of the US Joint Force, according to interviews conducted with personnel deployed in support of Operation Prosperity Guardian.  

“I saw this coming the minute the Israelis starting pounding the shit out of this place. There was no way America would just watch someone else rawdog that shit and just sit on the sidelines,” said Fire Controlman First Class Everett Garcia.

“It always starts out good,” continued Garcia, noticeably adjusting the crotch of his trousers. “We’re dropping huge loads [of ordnance] around the clock and they’ll be just as ready to go the following day. Hezbollah, Houthis, Hamas? Whatever, they all have just an insatiable desire to get pounded over and over. Sometimes they’ll get freaky and invite someone else into the mix. Shit gets nasty, but good nasty, na’mean? I remember going hard against the Sunni insurgency in 2009, and bam, they bring in Boko Haram out of nowhere. We look over our shoulder and there’s the French tagging in with us. They love that colonial, interracial shit. But the truth is it always ends the same way it did with my first wife: somebody crying, somebody screaming, somebody swearing eternal jihad.” 

Colonel Alicia Rogers, a Tennessee National Guardsman serving in the targeting cell at US Army Central Command (Forward) echoed Garcia’s sentiments. “I thought things with the Pacific were promising…China’s got quirks, and yeah, a lot of us have that Asian fetish thing going on, but I really think it still has potential for a long-term, meaningful wartime relationship. But what can you expect when it’s cold on the watch-floor and some doe eyed terrorists start begging for a long, hard Combined Operations Campaign/Kinetic? You pull out and pray a dozen times with that COCK and then act surprised that the US and Middle East end up back on their bullshit?” 

Staff Sergeant Leroy Jones, an Air Force reservist and licensed clinical psychologist, explained the reason behind the on-again, off-again US relationship with the Middle East, “Borderline personality traits have a direct relationship with attractiveness. This is more widely known as the ‘hot/crazy matrix’.” 

“Think a stable country is going to load up a donkey with explosives just so you can slam a missile into that ass? The only box where you can get that freaky on the regular is the sandbox.”   

US Central Command Commander, General Eric Kurilla, offered a different opinion. “Anyone saying that America is going back to the same old toxic relationship isn’t acknowledging how much work we’ve both done to change. You don’t just go from low-rent IEDs to anti-ship ballistic missiles and drones without putting in a lot of work.”

Representatives from Raytheon, Lockheed-Martin, and Boeing, were later seen reassuring a sobbing Kurilla that it “really would be different this time.”  

The Duffel Blog Staff is not interested in sloppy seconds.

Dude! Are you just going in dry?

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THE PENTAGON – In its latest modernization effort at improving cybersecurity hygiene for military families, the Department of Defense announced that the genitalia of all military spouses will become Common Access Card-enabled by the end of the fiscal year.

”The penises and vaginas of our military family members deserve the same benefits and security features as the penises and vaginas of servicemembers themselves,” Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said, “the latter of which have been CAC-enabled since 2014.”

When it comes to securing your spouse’s private parts during a lengthy deployment overseas, experts say there’s no better solution than multi-factor authentication.

“I used to go years without remembering the password to my wife’s ladyparts, and yet it seemed like they would still get hacked every time I deployed,” said Staff Sgt. Anthony Wright. “It might be annoying to insert my CAC and re-enter my PIN every 30 seconds during intercourse, but it’s worth it for the peace of mind and compatibility with Microsoft Office 365.”

Trials of the program thus far have been successful. However, one notable drawback is that all military spouses’ genitals will now be considered Controlled Unclassified Information, or CUI, and must be handled in accordance with strict DoD regulations. While the Defense Information Systems Agency (DISA)is still working out some bugs in the system, they say it should be fully operational by PCS season.

“Eventually, servicemembers will have full access to email, personnel records, and Tricare benefits right from the comfort of their partner’s crotch,” DISA Director Lt. Gen. Robert Skinner said. “By 2025 we hope to expand the program to include classified systems. Although, personally, my wife’s vagina has been far above my security clearance for years.”

But not all members of the DoD constellation are happy. Sergeant “Sweet Ray” Manzar, Non-Commissioned Officer in Charge of the Joint Operational Deployed Implementation Element (JODIE) decried the use of a servicemember’s CAC to secure spouses’ genitals as both an overreach and unnecessary. “Given the attention JODIE has always paid to military spouses, this is a waste of taxpayer money and a restriction of critical access.“

At press time, the Pentagon announced it would be discontinuing the use of CAC-enabled buttholes due to “rampant overuse” by Marines. 

Cat Astronaut is a demobilized mobile infantryman and the creator of medieval and fantasy satire site Ye Olde Tyme News.

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FORT LIBERTY, NC — In a surprising discovery that has rocked the barracks of Fort Liberty, home of Special Operations, the Airborne, and your mom, a group of privates has reported that the jalapeño cheese spread commonly found in MREs (Meals, Ready-to-Eat) is a catastrophic choice for an anal lubricant.

The incident came to light early Monday morning when several soldiers were rushed to the base medical center with complaints that experts are calling an “unprecedented amount of butt-hurt, never before seen in the annals of military medical history.”

“I just thought, hey, it's slippery, it's available, and it glows in the dark, why not?” said a Pvt. who preferred to remain anonymous. “I couldn't have been more wrong.”