I have been busy, as I was the organizer for TEDxUnion Women on November 5. However, I would be remiss if I did not make my authentic recommendations for gift-giving this holiday season!

1. For Kids

   1. Introducing Babsy, a new kids’ oral health brand founded by pediatric dentists. Babsy created Build-A-Brush, a customizable toothbrush kids can design to make healthy habits fun and easy. For a limited time, use my link as well as the discount code LUCINDA30 to get 30% off your purchase!

   2. Did someone say visual schedule? I’ll vouch for Charmspring myself as the maker of the most attractive and most fun visual schedules for toddlers / school-age kids. Not only that, they have inexpensive customizable tiles available where you can put photos of yourself, teachers, etc. to really help little ones. Use my code LUCINDA20 and get yourself $20 off of your purchase!

Babsy Build-A-Brush Starter Kit

2. For College Buddies, College Enthusiasts, Golf Enthusiasts, or Nostalgia Enthusiasts

   1. Meet Match South. Tokens of memories made, emblems filled with nostalgia, and a time capsule of place and time are all things represented in a small matchbook.

      Match South ignited in 2020 — a passion project to kindle love and support the restaurant industry during a global crisis. We create high-quality photographs of matchbooks from every corner of the country. For me, Lucinda, having grown up in the south, Match South is a treasure trove of mementos of places I don’t just love, but ache for. For example, my father was once the president of student body at Clemson University (click on the photo for my exclusive link to the product!):

Buy just the print, or the print in a gorgeous frame.

whereas I attended SMU, and am drawn to this gem. Click on the photo for the link!

3. For Clean Beauty Fans

   1. Ursa Major Golden Hour Recovery Cream (My go-to since pregnancy)

   2. How about Clean Suncare? FRESkincare is my go-to for protecting my skin against photoaging, and if you use my code LUCINDAKOZA, you will get 45% off of your purchase. Yes, you read that correctly.

4. For Photography and/or Art Enthusiasts: (Two below pieces are being sold at the Tappan Collective)

LOST MYSELF, photograph by James Needham

Luke Chiswell’s BEGIN AGAIN PINK, screenprint on canvas

5. For Healthy or Health-Curious Folks:

   1. Perelel’s Triple-Support Protein Powder

   2. Sakara’s 8-Day Organic Meal Delivery

6. For Shakespeare-loving, Fashion-forward Women:

This wool sweater from alice + olivia is my dream come true.

Alice + olivia’s entire current designer sale needs to be looted right now. Other notable sales include Anthropologie, and Shopbop (the best part about Shopbop being, if you sign in with Amazon Prime, you’ll get Prime same-day or next-day shipping benefits).

7. For your friends who adore sweats as well as positive affirmations (who doesn’t)? The Mayfair Group

Use my code LUCINDAK15

8. Jewelry: Mademoiselle Jules - current sale - use code BD40

9. Must-have new book: Bob Dylan’s Point Blank: Quick Studies

from Bob Dylan’s Point Blank: Quick Studies

To wrap it all up, here are a few affiliate offers you may be interested:

Want to become a ShopMy Creator, like me? My link hooks you right up: https://shopmy.us/join/lucindakoza 

Want to become a ShopMy Shopper, and have exclusive access to my curated picks via a mobile app? This link hooks you right up: https://go.shopmy.us/join/lucindakoza 

I hope everyone has an incredible and fruitful holiday season and I will be back soon with much more.

MEET TODAY’S GUEST Rich Heller, a relationship coach and therapist; Founder of Rich in Relationship Rich is one of the few professionals brave enough to work in the emotionally charged territory of high-conflict relationships. Rich has made it his mission to help couples—particularly parents—rediscover joy, emotional wealth, and meaningful connection in their partnerships.

Rich Heller

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▶ Favorite Mental Health-advocating clothing brand: The Mayfair Group

Sale Details: 30% off sitewide; for the exclusions, use code LUCINDA15 for 15% off

▶ Favorite Specialty Shoe: Rothy’s (home of the best Mary Jane)

Sale: 30% sitewide Friends & Family Sale

▶ Favorite Luxury Body + Hair Essentials: Necessaire

Sale: 20% off sitewide

▶ Favorite Skincare Tech: NEWA

Sale: 20% off NEWA devices & kits

▶ Favorite Denim Brand: MOTHER Denim

Sale: Up to 50% off Select Items

▶ Favorite Ski-Inspired Brand: Guest in Residence

Sale: 30% off Select Items

▶ Favorite Customizable Jewelry Brand: BaubleBar

The Sale: Extra 20% off Sale Items

MARQUIS WHO’S WHO

Marquis Who's Who Recognizes Lucinda Koza with Inclusion in its Elite Network of Emerging Leaders
_______________________________________

Ava with Milo in their van

Lucinda Koza has been endorsed by Marquis Who's Who as a rising professional in both media and journalism

As the founder of I Ally Inc., she has demonstrated her entrepreneurial spirit and commitment to creating supportive communities.

Marquis Who's Who Recognizes Lucinda Koza with Inclusion in its Elite Network of Emerging Leaders

May 19, 2025 -- Lucinda Koza has been endorsed by Marquis Who's Who as a rising professional in both media and journalism

www.24-7pressrelease.com/press-release/522903/marquis-whos-who-recognizes-lucinda-koza-with-inclusion-in-its-elite-network-of-emerging-leaders

Fact-based news without bias awaits. Make 1440 your choice today.

Overwhelmed by biased news? Cut through the clutter and get straight facts with your daily 1440 digest. From politics to sports, join millions who start their day informed.

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Emotional Intelligence, Authentic Parenting & the Power of Self-Regulation: A Conversation with Navi Hughes

In this profoundly moving episode of How I Ally, host Lucinda Koza sits down with Navi Hughes—a board-certified psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner, therapist, emotional intelligence coach, and mother of five—to explore the intersection of personal transformation, emotional intelligence, and parenting with presence.

From Surviving to Self-Actualizing

Navi’s journey is layered with reinvention: immigrant, teen mom, widow, remarried partner, and now a mental health leader and emotional intelligence educator. Each chapter of her life is marked by resilience, reflection, and a refusal to be boxed in. “I don’t know when the turning point was,” she shares. “There are micro turning points in each journey.”

Why Emotional Intelligence Is Everything

At the heart of Navi’s work is a radical rethinking of emotional intelligence—not just as a buzzword, but as a life-saving, clarity-giving framework. From her experience in psychiatry and coaching, Navi noticed a troubling gap: too many people were reaching for therapy, medication, or external fixes without ever being taught how to actually feel their feelings.

So she built what didn’t exist: a blueprint for emotional literacy that helps people move beyond survival mode and into self-regulation, presence, and empowerment. “People with high emotional intelligence are harder to manipulate,” she explains. “They know their truth.”

Parenting Without Ego

One of the most gripping parts of the conversation is Navi’s perspective on parenting—particularly as a mother to a child with autism. “Each child got a different mother,” she says candidly, acknowledging the learning curve and growth over time. She emphasizes parenting as an invitation to ego death: allowing your children to be themselves, even when it challenges your beliefs or image.

She calls out the common pitfall of seeing children as “mini-me’s,” which can lead to control, projection, and a lack of authentic empowerment. “Your job is not to be needed. It’s to raise children who need you less,” she insists. “That’s real empowerment.”

On Autism, Stigma, and Speaking Up

Navi also bravely addresses the troubling cultural shift she’s witnessing in the South—a growing stigma around autism that is discouraging diagnosis and treatment. “It’s heartbreaking,” she says, recalling a therapist who told a client not to use the autism label. “That is such a disservice. You are asking someone to hide a part of them.”

Her message is clear: acceptance is the antidote to fear. And when it comes to neurodiverse children, the role of a parent is to create a felt sense of safety, not to control behavior or suppress identity.

Living Without an Agenda

Throughout the episode, Navi and Lucinda reflect on what it means to connect without an agenda—whether with colleagues, friends, or even children. “I just want to meet humans where they’re at,” Navi says. “Not for what they can give me, but for who they are.” It’s a philosophy that stands in stark contrast to the performative, curated culture of parenting, success, and influence.

Why This Moment Matters

In a world flooded with noise and fear-based narratives, Navi’s voice is a grounding force. Her call is both simple and revolutionary: tune into your body, define your emotions, and build a life rooted in emotional clarity. Whether you’re a parent, a partner, or a person navigating your own healing, this conversation is a blueprint for coming home to yourself.

The episode is not yet released, but this preview should suffice for now:

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WELCOME TO HOW I ALLY

Living a Life by Design: How Dr. LaNail R. Plummer Is Using Intentionality, Identity, and Inner Revolution to Change the World

🎙 New Episode of How I Ally with Lucinda Koza

In this deeply inspiring episode of How I Ally, I sit down with the remarkable Dr. LaNail R. Plummer—CEO of Onyx Therapy Group, Department Chair of Counseling at Trinity Washington University, Army veteran, author, partner, and proud mom of two.

But titles only scratch the surface of who Dr. Plummer is.

With piercing clarity and warmth, Dr. Plummer shares how she has crafted a life rooted in intentionality—intentionally choosing her words, intentionally nurturing her children, intentionally coming out as bisexual, and intentionally claiming her full identity in a world that often tries to silence her.

We talk about:

• ✨ What it means to truly design a life rather than just live one
  

• 🧠 How core beliefs are shaped in childhood—and how therapy can help rewrite them
  

• 💬 The power of words, and why being intentional with language can save us from misalignment and regret
  

• 👩🏽‍👧🏽 Her experience parenting two now-grown children—and the emotional legacy we leave behind as mothers
  

• 🌈 Coming out publicly at age 33—and why that act was not only radical, but spiritual
  

• 💥 The daily, quiet revolutions that happen when marginalized people simply exist
  
  

• 💡 How being an “enhancer” is both her gift and responsibility in therapy, education, and life
  

One of my favorite moments? When Dr. Plummer described coming out not as a confession, but as a divine reckoning—“How can I ask the universe for more when I haven’t even accepted the gift of who I already am?”

Whether you’re a parent navigating toddlerhood, a professional trying to live in alignment, or someone rediscovering their voice, this conversation is for you.

🔗 Listen now wherever you get your podcasts.

🗣️ Let this be the episode that gives you permission to be fully yourself.

Mother’s Day

Even if you are fairly confident your mother/the mother of your children/an important person in your life who is a mother does not want to receive a gift for Mother’s Day, I am here to tell you you are wrong.

Mothers are chronically overworked and under-appreciated, and I promise you, this is the time to give a gift to a mother you know.

You don’t have to think too much about it, because here are some options:

• If you make a purchase from one of these links, I may receive a small commission at no additional cost to you.

18K Gold Custom Nameplate Necklace - Paris

The nameplate is iconic for a reason - easy, chic and personal this is the style everyone should own. A little bit about ours: Available in 11 different styles, so you can go as classic or as contemporary as you want Crafted from high quality 18k gold plated sterling silver and Cubic Zirconia stones, this was made to l

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MAMA Charm - Silver

Please note: This item is available for preorder and will ship the first week of May. Silver pave "MAMA" Charm. Compatible with all Mademoiselle Jules Basics.  **NECKLACE NOT INCLUDED** Recommended to style with our "Cable Girl" Necklace.  COLOUR THERAPY: Silver: intuition, reflective & restorative  COMPOSITION — 

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lorna murray women's saint barthes capri hat

the Capri is our original hat design, featuring a mid-length brim and is carefully handcrafted from 100% Natural Organic Grass Fibers. the Capri is specifically designed to collapse and fold like origami, due to the sunray pleats, for ease of travel. optional ties are provided at the base of each hat to be used for anc

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London Frame with a Green Mat

Framebridge makes online custom picture framing ridiculously easy, fast, and affordable. Our custom framing options start at only $50!

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The Margot Dress - Navy Trailing Fern

Meet the Margot Dress. Grace Kelly, this one’s for you. Inspired by the classic a-line dresses often seen in, say, a 1950s old hollywood film set in the French Riviera, Margot features a square neckline, fit and flare silhouette and adjustable straps. Oh, and pockets.

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The Hand Duo

The Hand Cream is a daily peptide moisturizer for skin health. Apply all over hands. Massage until absorbed.

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18K Gold Custom Block Ring - 18K Gold Plated Sterling Silver

Let your hands do the talking. A personalized take on the classic gold band, the 18K Gold Custom Ring allows you to add a touch of personalization to your everyday accessories. Add initials, a name, or a favorite phrase in chic, raised-block font.

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me

Emotional Clutter and the Quiet Strength of Patience

“I’m not someone who pretends to know anything about marriage.”

That’s how it begins. Not with certainty, not with advice — but with admission. A breath of honesty in a world overflowing with noise and opinions.

In Emotional Clutter and Patience, we are brought into the intimate inner world of a woman who is doing her best to stay afloat. She doesn’t claim wisdom. What she offers is something rarer: presence. She speaks not as an expert, but as a person unraveling the knots inside her own mind.

Her therapist tells her she carries emotional clutter — the weight of past experiences jumbled with the chaos of the present. And it resonates. The metaphor she uses — a “messy bowl of soup,” a “highway overloaded with lives lived and roles played” — paints a picture that feels achingly familiar to many of us: caregivers, daughters, artists, survivors.

The Cost of Holding Too Much

We meet her in the aftermath of becoming a caregiver for her father. And in this shift, everything changes. It’s not just the logistics. It’s the emotional freight — the legal, the medical, the memories, the missed stages of her own life now suspended or rewritten. It’s grief and responsibility living in the same breath.

The video captures something many people never say out loud: how exhausting it is to feel everything.

She isn’t slow. She isn’t weak.

She’s just deep — and depth takes time.

Patience as Power

In a culture that pushes urgency, quick fixes, and toxic positivity, this video reclaims patience as an act of maturity — even defiance. It reminds us that being overwhelmed doesn’t make you broken. It means you are awake to your life. You are awake to what matters.

Patience, here, is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to walk through the storm, side by side, hand in hand, in freezing winds you can’t avoid. It’s not glamorous. But it’s honest. And sometimes, that honesty is the only shelter we have.

Watch if You Need Permission to Pause

This isn’t a how-to video. It won’t give you 5 steps to de-clutter your mind or 3 hacks to process trauma. It will give you something better: permission to be human. Permission to say, “This is hard, and I’m tired.” Permission to ask for patience — from others and from yourself.

And in that quiet pause, maybe you’ll feel a little less alone.

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Motherhood is often portrayed through idyllic images of smiling babies and joyful family moments. Yet, beneath these snapshots lies a complex reality: the mental load—the unseen, unrelenting cognitive labor that mothers often bear alone.

Understanding the Mental Load

The above video, What is the Mental Load of Motherhood?, delves into this concept, highlighting how mothers frequently juggle planning, organizing, and managing household responsibilities. This mental juggling act is not just about remembering appointments or grocery lists; it’s about the constant vigilance and emotional labor that keeps the household running smoothly.

Living Minute by Minute

The video Minute by Minute captures the essence of living under the weight of this mental load. It portrays the relentless cycle of tasks and the emotional toll it takes, often leaving mothers feeling overwhelmed and isolated.

Breaking the Cycle

Addressing the mental load isn’t just about individual resilience; it demands community, awareness, and change. What is the Mental Load of Motherhood? reminds us that open conversations, equitable division of labor, and systemic support are crucial. It’s not just “helping” mothers — it’s dismantling the systems that expect them to carry it all, alone.

By shedding light on the mental load of motherhood, we can begin to foster environments where mothers feel seen, supported, and empowered.

Stitching Stories: Healing Through Caregiving and Motherhood

As we reflect on the weight mothers carry, Stitching Stories: Healing Through Caregiving and Motherhood brings us full circle — into a space of healing and resilience.

Through caregiving, storytelling, and community, mothers stitch back together the fragmented pieces of themselves. Healing is not linear, and neither is motherhood. It’s messy, beautiful, and sacred.

In the shared experience of caregiving and being cared for, we find the seeds of restoration. The mental load may be heavy, but through connection and storytelling, mothers can lighten the burden — stitch by stitch, story by story.

by Lucinda Koza

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What if the thing you’re most ashamed of could actually become your greatest strength?

In this soul-stirring episode of How I Ally, I sit down with Steven Lowell, a reverse recruiter and career coach who shares his extraordinary story of living with epilepsy—an invisible disability that once threatened to derail everything. From collapsing in the middle of Times Square to keeping his diagnosis hidden from even his closest family, Steven’s journey is one of perseverance, partnership, and ultimately, profound self-acceptance.

✨ What we talked about:

• The shame surrounding invisible disabilities—and how silence keeps us isolated

• Why his wife became a pivotal force in helping him seek a diagnosis

• What happened when he had a seizure in the middle of a job interview

• How being “blunt” became his superpower as a career coach

• Why speaking openly—despite the risk—is sometimes the most radical form of healing

💬 A few things Steven said that stuck with me:

• “Sometimes, you’re stronger because you finally agree to do the thing you were avoiding.”

• “I used to think not wearing a medical bracelet made me strong. Now I know asking for help is what makes me strong.”

• “We live in a time where people try to avoid uncomfortable emotions—but the only way through is to confront them.”

🎧 Listen Now:

Apple Podcasts

Spotify

www.howially.ai 

Whether you’re navigating your own diagnosis, supporting a loved one, or simply trying to live with more courage—this episode is a reminder that vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s where connection begins.

💛 If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.

And if you haven’t yet, subscribe to How I Ally and leave a review—it helps more people find these conversations.

Here is a video clip or ‘highlight reel’ from our interview:

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In addition to being my Amaranthine Arcadia, April is also Autism Acceptance Month, Parkinson’s Awareness Month, and houses Earth Day (April 22nd).

Autism is a spectrum. Each brain is different, with different capabilities, strengths, weaknesses — that’s why it’s called neurodiversity. As Temple Grandin said,

Temple Grandin, especially in her book The Autistic Brain: Thinking Across the Spectrum, passionately shares her belief that nurturing the unique strengths of neurodivergent individuals can lead to valuable contributions to society. Case in point: Greta Thunberg, Time Magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year at age 16.

Greta Thunberg Is TIME’s 2019 Person of the Year

The climate activist has succeeded in turning vague anxieties about the planet into a worldwide movement calling for global change

time.com/person-of-the-year-2019-greta-thunberg

One of my recent interviews for Authority Magazine was with the incredible Navi Hughes about her experience navigating family life with a child who has autism:

Navi Hughes of Empower Mental Health: How Our Family Navigates Life With A Child With Autism…

An Interview With Lucinda Koza

medium.com/p/5c4d9f9eeabf

Parkinson’s Disease is also something to do with the brain; however, Parkinson’s Disease is a disease (which autism is absolutely not) and it is progressive, like a downward staircase, as my father’s doctor explained to me. You may be status quo for a little while on a landing, then you go down a few flights of stairs, which you ain’t coming back up. That will keep happening, that sequence, until you reach your bottom of your particular staircase. No exit.

Parkinson’s disease can have a genetic component; however, having one of the genetic mutations doesn’t mean you will get it, as environmental and lifestyle factors also play major roles. One of the most important ways to reduce overall risk is to eat a brain-healthy diet, rich in polyphenols:

courtesy of neuroreserve.com

Polyphenols are powerful antioxidants that can:

find out more at neuroreserve.com

My father has Parkinson’s, but he also has Vascular Dementia as well as Aphasia due to a series of strokes. Here is something I wrote in 2022:

A Washington Post article published on March 4 and written by Tanya Ward Goodman details how fiction and, mostly, poetry can help caregivers and families process their experience of a loved one who has dementia or Alzheimer’s.

I thought, well, obviously this is right, but is it only right in the kindergarten classroom way in which ‘reading is fundamental?’ As it turns out, no: it’s right in a way that asks much more of you, that asks you to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Goodman draws a parallel between the spaces, fragments and unanswered questions of poetry and the spaces, fragments and unanswered questions of interacting with your loved one’s dementia. It’s okay that it doesn’t quite make sense. In fact, there may be more freedom there to allow spontaneous deep connection and unrestricted exploration. When identity is not a solid construct in your household, the impressions and symbols of poetry can mirror that, and provide comfort.

Living in ambiguity. Meeting your loved one where they are. Saying ‘yes, and’ to their present, which becomes your present. Fragmented. Surreal. Finding a way to communicate when words cannot be relied upon. Trying to discern if it is a priority to be the detective and use context clues and offer potential solutions in order to discover your loved one’s intent or if it’s better to divert. Constantly governing the expectations of the self: will this be a reality I’m familiar with or will I encounter the ape on the lawn? Will I be me today, or an annoying stranger?

Music is proven to be therapeutic for people with dementia and Alzheimer’s, including being something that can remind a patient of their childhood, their first love, their God. My father always loved music, but really loved Bob Dylan. He’d quote lyrics to me as if they were from the gospel. ‘When you ain’t got nothin’, / you got nothin’ to lose.’ Or, ‘Strap yourself to a tree with roots / you ain’t goin’ nowhere.’ It made sense to me. The fact that these lyrics didn’t completely make sense to me, is exactly what made sense to me. My father took long, pregnant pauses, strategically placed to ensure the listener was hanging on every word. It worked. He spoke slowly and deliberately. He used gorgeous, complex vocabulary. But, in moments in which a deep, meaningful feeling is what he meant to evoke, that is when he used Bob Dylan poetry. In the moment of most height, he used language most basic. Simple. Meaning nothing much and at the same time meaning everything. He would ask,

Then:

And then, in his most southern of dialects:

I didn’t know what it meant, but it meant everything. Being in my father’s presence was always a bizarre dance in a weird city, where I tried to extract a sense of identity from his eyes. Daughter. Child. Audience. Who am I? Nothing was easy and nothing was prescribed. No expectations allowed. I’ve always been in a poem full of metaphors and magical realism with my dad. I’ve never had sure footing. I’ve never known whether I would be me or an annoying stranger (while in college, I surprised him at his office on his birthday one year. He responded with, ‘I don’t like surprises’).

If you are still reading this, you’re wonderful.

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Subscribe to 1440 today.

Welcome to Women’s History Month.

For many of us, just existing is a political statement.

So, that’s what I will do. Exist. Loudly. Show up. I’ve learned, especially as I’ve gotten older and become a mother, that ‘fitting in’ does not matter to me at all, and might even be the opposite of what I care about.

The question that I have to sit with at the end of the day is: am I at peace with myself? Have I acted in a way that matches how I feel/ what I believe/ what I am committed to? Am I adding to the tapestry of humanity by simply being my authentic self? Am I helping to promote voices that may be otherwise silenced? Am I setting an example for my children that there are SO many different ways to be a human being?

I have started working on a few new interview series for Authority Magazine. Meet Shawna May:

Instagram post

Read my interview with Shawna May here:

Unstoppable: How Shawna May Has Redefined Success While Navigating Society With Cerebral Palsy and…

An Interview With Lucinda Koza

medium.com/authority-magazine/unstoppable-how-shawna-may-has-redefined-success-while-navigating-society-with-cerebral-palsy-and-f44b65b6e33c

For Chloe Markham, consistently showing up and making a stand for joy when present circumstances or the actions of others would have us feeling down is a political statement.

Instagram post

Read our interview here:

Happiness and Joy During Turbulent Times: Yoga Expert Chloe Markham On How To Live With Joie De…

An Interview With Lucinda Koza

medium.com/authority-magazine/happiness-and-joy-during-turbulent-times-yoga-expert-chloe-markham-on-how-to-live-with-joie-de-e4a586124f20

As a woman, being joyful, successful — as a woman who is differently abled, being joyful & successful is an act of rebellion. When society wants you down, refusing to be down or stay down is the ultimate.

This reminds me of two quotes:

The quote suggests that, within the restrictive context of Tehran, engaging in sexual activity became a way for individuals to challenge societal norms and exert their autonomy. To experience PLEASURE. To own one’s body, rather than someone else owning it, or the state owning it.

Also:

Instagram post

Sometimes just speaking when society would rather have you stay silent is enough.

Speaking of Rebecca Solnit, here is her book that I recommend.

Here is the second book that I recommend for women’s history month: 

• Here is the Women in Olive Oil Box by Big Night

• Here is Still Life XXXVIII by Yeon Kyung Park

• Here are fabulous driving gloves by The Skinny Confidential

• Here are the 2025 Best Hospitals for Maternity Care by U.S. News

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This past week I recorded two new episodes of my podcast How I Ally, and it just so happened that they both completely blew me away; not just because they are both incredibly brave, innovative and persistent women, but because I saw myself in them. Across whatever perceived divide there was, a glimmer of recognition occurred. When you truly hold space for someone and truly listen, you create the opportunity for human connection.

Instagram post

This is Gloria Kolb, and this is our original interview in Authority Magazine:

Caring for Myself and My Twins: Gloria Kolb Of Elitone On Emotional and Physical Recovery After…

An Interview With Lucinda Koza

medium.com/authority-magazine/caring-for-myself-and-my-twins-gloria-kolb-of-elitone-on-emotional-and-physical-recovery-after-f4ad3afa0d4b

Gloria Kolb's journey to co-founding Elida is nothing short of inspiring. As a biomedical engineer and a mother of three, she found herself grappling with incontinence after childbirth—something that many women face but often feel too embarrassed to discuss. Gloria shares her personal story of struggle and resilience, which led her to develop the Elitone device, a groundbreaking solution that offers a non-intrusive way to improve pelvic floor health.

This conversation dives deep into the challenges faced by female founders in the medical device industry, where funding disparities are stark. Did you know that only 2% of venture capital goes to female founders? Gloria sheds light on the uphill battle for funding and the societal stigma surrounding women’s health issues, emphasizing the need for more awareness and support in this area. The episode also addresses the broader implications of incontinence on women’s lives, from social interactions to mental health, highlighting the importance of early treatment and open conversations about these taboo topics. Through her work, Gloria is not only changing lives but also paving the way for a future where women’s health is prioritized and normalized in society. Here is the episode.

This is Lakia Holmes.

Instagram post

This is our original interview in Authority Magazine:

Lakia Holmes Of TNT Sports On Navigating the Challenges of Infertility and IVF

An Interview With Lucinda Koza

medium.com/authority-magazine/lakia-holmes-of-tnt-sports-on-navigating-the-challenges-of-infertility-and-ivf-1c269afed840

In this episode of How I Ally, Lakia Holmes opens up about her transformative journey from sports producer to sports producer and single mother, sharing her story of overcoming infertility through IVF and donor sperm. Lakia’s candid reflections on her unexpected path are woven with humor and warmth, as she grapples with the societal pressures and personal challenges that come with raising a child alone. Beyond her personal narrative, Lakia’s aspirations to become a fertility coach highlight her dedication to uplifting others within the community. This episode beautifully illustrates the unique joy of forging one’s own path to parenthood. Here is the episode.

If you would like to support How I Ally, you can leave a tip or make a donation here: https://hoo.be/lucindarogerskoza 

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& if you are looking for an absolutely incredible platform for your newsletter, click here: https://www.beehiiv.com?via=Lucinda-Koza 

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Welcome back to

I have updated some caregiver resource blog posts to include new resources that have been brought to my attention. The first is for Cancer Caregivers:

The second is for Dementia Caregivers:

Cancer Caregiver Resources for At-Home Caregivers

i-ally.com/p/cancer-caregiver-resources-for-at-home-caregivers

Dementia Caregiver Resources for At-Home Caregivers

i-ally.com/p/dementia-caregiver-resources-for-at-home-caregivers

And, finally, our ever-popular Best Caregiver Websites & Resources.

i-ally.com/p/best-caregiver-websites-and-resources

Many of you may know, I am now a mom. I had twins in 2023. I was changed forever; however, still me. My identity expanded enough to hold all of these things: caregiver, founder, daughter, wife, mother, Margaux and Phillip. Yes, the area of my brain associated with self-identity changed to include my two children.

In an experience not dissimilar from being a caregiver, this meant I now did not just need to advocate for myself, but for myself. I wrote the below post in July of 2024. Reading it now, it is clearly the impetus for my work with Authority Magazine and How I Ally.

From Trauma to Mama: An Origin Story

Lucinda Koza on her own traumatic childbirth experience and a manifesto on maternal mental health and the right to enthusiastic consent in the postpartum journey.

i-ally.com/p/from-trauma-to-mama-an-origin-story

If you are still reading, thank you! If you are looking for a platform for your newsletter, use my link to sign up for beehiiv! https://www.beehiiv.com?via=Lucinda-Koza

I gave birth to fraternal twins on April 25, 2023.

On the occasion of their first birthday, I finally felt the beginnings of a sense of clarity about the complete upheaval of my life that motherhood demanded, and just how much work my body and mind had been doing so that I could fully and authentically become Lucinda-as-mother. I decided to write to them in letter form.

Here it is:

I made vows to your father about

The possibility of miracles.

Maybe I didn’t know what I was talking about really

But I think what I meant was our marriage being about optimism and faith solidified by commitment and dedication to a common goal, and through that, miracles are possible.

I didn’t know then, but I was talking about

You.

You are both the miracle.

Your father and I, through that spoken vow, used all of our fight, all of our commitment, all of our dedication, faith and optimism we could find to create you. It was the hardest either of us had ever fought for anything before in our lives. When we thought we couldn’t fight anymore, we looked harder inside ourselves into the very corners and hidden parts until we flipped ourselves completely inside out and the miracle was you, both of you, created, alive and growing inside my body.

When we thought the fight part was over, there was some trauma within my body and a doctor had to save all 3 of us at the same time.

The doctor even said I didn’t have enough blood anymore and they had to put someone else’s blood inside my body.

You two were not ready to be born yet but you had to be but it was okay because you were born and you were going to be taken care of in the hospital and the doctors were going to give you everything you needed just like as if you were still in my belly until you were ready to be out in the world.

You are miracles.

Every single one of those 80 days you were in the hospital I visited you and I had to reach further within myself than I ever had before to find strength and endurance faith responsibility commitment innovation creativity nuance belief resilience peace but also progress patience hope emotional intelligence allowing myself to feel grief and crushing guilt without judgment letting regret sweep over me like a black ocean that I didn’t get to hold either of you after you were born wondering if you knew I was your mother wondering if you knew who I was at all wondering if you knew you had a mother watching your vitals like a horse race washing my hands wringing my hands hooking myself up to machines that robotically mimicked you breastfeeding so that I could catch the breastmilk and give it to the nurse to feed to you through your feeding tube because that was the one way I could keep giving you nourishment from my body because it was supposed to be the best possible thing for you because maybe when you had it you’d know you have a mother and it’s me and that’s who I am.

Like Dr. Seuss’ The Grinch, my heart had grown exponentially in size because now it had to be big enough to hold all of my love for the two of you. It was a wound, too; because I had you, but I didn’t have you. My insides were all mixed up. Seven layers of tissue and muscle had been cut wide open, sewn, and glued shut, my babies taken out but not put into my arms; my blood and guts drained then replaced by a stranger’s; a heart that burst with love and broke, again, every day; and it has taken all of the wherewithal the grit the bloodiness the rage the longing the questioning the gall the bones the feet the stomping the backbreaking the soul searching the agony the recoiling the hair falling out the identity transformation fuel both available and not available in all of the heavens to heal and to create another human being, this one being me, Lucinda, your mother. Me, your mother with a clear, unwavering inner voice that does not hesitate. Intuition that will not be questioned. I do not take a second of your existence lightly. To be in your presence is transcendent. You are both the miracle I spoke of in my vow to your father and to myself six years ago.

So. You are now one year old. I take every moment that I can for the four of us to bond and nest, because we need and deserve that: privacy, security, intimacy. It is still not nearly enough. Not even close. Privacy, security, intimacy. Healing.

Consider all of this short for:

Happy Birthday.

Love,

Me, Your Mother.

As it turns out, the back-breaking work of my transformation is scientifically supported.

In an article written by Miranda Rake and published in The Cut, I recognized myself:

Also,

This is important to articulate because there is very little understanding of how to support the postpartum woman. Women in general, historically, have been dismissed, taken advantage of, and owned; their agency and autonomy trampled on. Medically, women are much less likely to be believed when they complain of pain, or complain of anything at all. In her book Doing Harm: The Truth About How Bad Medicine and Lazy Science Leave Women Dismissed, Misdiagnosed, and Sick , Maya Dusenbery

I know how what kind of a body-and-brain transformation pregnant and postpartum women are experiencing — I experienced it, but only knew of the science behind it after the fact. This means I did not know how to advocate for myself and for the process I was undergoing. New mothers need to be empowered by her community, not undermined and disrespected and certainly not treated like they are “hysterical” or that something is wrong with them. New mothers are in the midst of a beautiful, phenomenal biological change. Who is anyone to interfere with that? Give her the utmost respect for growing a human in her body and then delivering that human unto the world. Give her the space to find her voice as a mother. Give her everything that she needs — space, privacy, boundaries, and respect her wishes as the mother. She is in charge. If she needs help during this vulnerable time, infuse your acts of help with respect and empowerment. Support the transformation. Make it easier for her.

My ‘fourth trimester,’ I felt invisible, not taken into account, not listened to, not respected. People grabbed my babies out of my arms and I didn’t know how to protect them or myself. I wanted bonding time with my babies that I had so sorely missed. I wanted privacy. These were my babies and I was their mother — if these same actions were done to a lion with her cub, the lion would attack. It’s in our very nature as humans and protective instinct as mothers.

The autonomy of women is chronically dismissed, disregarded, and robbed from them. Boundaries crossed. When they are vulnerable, support needed is so rarely given. Here is something women have a right to: CONSENT. Not hazy, vague consent, not the absence of “no,” but enthusiastic consent.

The RAINN website defines enthusiastic consent:

In this context, enthusiastic consent is being explained relative to sexual activity. However, all of these definitions apply directly with how to treat a new mother with a new baby.

I was, and have been, accused of being ‘negative’ in my process of regaining control of my voice and my boundaries. This is so incredibly toxic, because shaming or making a new mother feel ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ for expressing anything other than rainbows and butterflies discourages her from dealing with these issues and moving forward through a healing process.

There is also a toxic idea that one must let go of anger immediately and as soon as possible. To this, I say:

It is okay to have experienced trauma. It’s okay to say it out loud. It doesn’t make you bad or make you a bad parent. It makes you someone who is dealing with things in a healthy way, and promotes that same way of being for your children. Secrecy and shame is a killer. Consent is everything. I will not perpetuate a culture in which women are silenced. It is my job as a mother to be bold and loud in the fierce protection of my children. Now that my identity has, scientifically, expanded to include my babies, harming me is harming them and harming them is harming me. Period.

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The Uptime App is a gift; no matter what. In fact, a Hack for how to garner my respect and admiration is to have a working knowledge of art history, philosophy, humanity — an awareness of the thoughts and creators and themes that have influenced our understanding of the human condition. This shows curiosity; a genuine interest in discovering the truth of another person’s experience. And that’s what I’m all about. So, I am very honored to be featured in the Uptime App:

Nikkita Grady: What I Did to Heal Emotionally and Physically After a Challenging Childbirth

An Interview With Lucinda Koza

medium.com/authority-magazine/nikkita-grady-what-i-did-to-heal-emotionally-and-physically-after-a-challenging-childbirth-a09eccd4ecb2

I want to share my interview with Nikkita Grady, who became a Postpartum Pleasure & Intimacy Coach after her own postpartum experience. My main takeaways are: the foundation for intimacy is self care; pampering without self care is a waste of money.

Instagram post

Listen to Nikkita’s episode of my podcast How I Ally - EPISODE 10!

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Welcome to How I Ally.

Since November, I have been conducting several series of interviews for Authority Magazine.

One of my first and one of my favorites:

Instagram post

Read the whole interview here.

As a follow-up for my written interviews, I started recording episodes of what has become How I Ally: the Podcast. 

Here are the “Hot Takes” from the episode with Bianca Sprague:

Listen to the whole episode wherever you listen to podcasts. Just to make it easy:

• How I Ally on Apple Podcasts

• How I Ally on Spotify

• How I Ally on YouTube

• How I Ally on YouTube Music 

• How I Ally on Amazon Music

• How I Ally on Audible

Don’t forget to subscribe!

If you have a story to tell about postpartum depression, a traumatic childbirth experience, a journey with infertility and/or IVF, your experience raising twins, a professional opinion on how to improve the birthing experience, or professional advice on how women can heal from a traumatic childbirth experience, I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Just reply to this email.

Oh, and, if you are interested in my Valentine’s Day Gift Guides, click here for her, here for him, and here for kids.

A lack of resources is a Catch-22 situation for many caregivers providing unpaid caregiving services for a family member or loved one.

Many people—especially younger caregivers—take on the responsibility because the cost of professional help is simply out of the question. Unfortunately, no matter how you slice it, taking care of people costs money, and without financial support, caregiving has the potential to become a terminal illness all its own. As time goes on, the physical, emotional, and actual cost of caregiving can trap caregivers in a cycle of financial stagnation or even failure.

One of the most game-changing challenges is tapping into government assistance. For family caregivers, it can mean the difference between tremendous financial hardship and stress, and an emotionally rewarding and sustainable experience. However, the rules and benefits can be specific and even confusing for inexperienced caregivers, and negotiating the red tape can be a huge obstacle even if you are highly qualified. It shouldn’t have to be that hard. We’re going to show you the ins and outs of how to find government assistance for family caregivers, so you can be the caregiver you want to be without breaking the bank.

The Cost of Giving

Our team at I-Ally talks about the cost of caregiving in this country a lot. If you’re at all familiar with the price of basic healthcare for the average family in the United States of America—and how could anyone not be—you will be completely unsurprised to hear that caring for another human being you love is unbelievably expensive, and no amount of government assistance can make up for a lack of government will. The status quo simply views taking care of a terminally ill or incapacitated loved one as a personal choice, not a public health crisis, and unfortunately, that’s not likely to change anytime soon.

This means making the most of the federal, state, and local resources that are actually available to you.

The Federal Government

Assistance for family caregivers through Medicare is often the primary source of financial support for most families. Medicare is the top healthcare provider in the nation, and its primary beneficiaries (65+ and Americans with disabilities) are nearly identical to the demographics of those who require caregiving services.

The federal government will do a lot for families, including assisting with professional services, paying for 80% of healthcare equipment, prescription benefits, and providing funds for additional caregiving resources. However, in nearly all cases, Medicare will NOT compensate you for caring for a spouse or family member, and it will NOT pay for full-time professional care.We wish we could tell you something different, but that’s simply the law. Notwithstanding, Medicare is still a flagship service for qualifying caregiving situations, and you should take full advantage of the support and financial benefits it provides.

State-Level Support

For basic, day-to-day needs, state support is where you’re going to find the kind of government assistance for family caregivers that will make an immediate impact on your personal burden. Every state is different, naturally, but in general, state programs look to fill the gaps Medicare leaves in the big picture. Colorado is an excellent example of the types of offerings states provide for in-home caregivers. They offer three tiers of support at $340, $472, and $605 per month. That money helps with practical things Medicare won’t cover, like meal prep, household assistance, respite care, financial and scheduling assistance, and even yard work you just don’t have time for. It may not seem like much, but these are exactly the little puzzle pieces that can make all the difference for younger caregivers who are trying to find every spare second to balance a career, a family, and living their most full and meaningful life.

Local Allies

Big, anonymous state and federal programs with their multi-zero dollar figures are crucial for making ends meet, but never, ever underestimate the value of a pair of real helping hands down the street.

Local help is almost always small, but the people you connect with through these programs can often make the biggest impact where it really counts. They will help deliver your medications, bring you meals, watch your kids after school, and ensure that things actually happen for you, not just write you a check and wish you the best. The wonderful local caregiver support services in your area are too numerous for us to mention here, but we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of websites and agencies that can connect you with the help you need where you need it.

A Community to Point the Way

We know how hard caregiving can be, especially for Millennials who are often hit out of the blue with a family emergency that requires them to step up. When you’re already in the middle of a crazy life, it can feel like there’s nobody out there to show you the way forward, and those first few months can be rocky and painful. I-Ally has your back. Our community of professional healthcare experts and in-home caregivers just like you can deliver the expertise and support you need to be empowered in your caregiving journey. Whether it’s learning how to care for yourself, balance out a busy life, or unlock the door for government assistance, when it comes to family caregiving, there’s no better circle of friends than I-Ally.

Alzheimer's disease and dementia are some of the most important challenges facing the caregiving community today. There are currently over 55 million people living with dementia worldwide, and every year another 10 million will be added to the list.

Caregiving support for patients suffering from Alzheimer’s and dementia is in high demand, because it tends to affect an elderly demographic that is already in need of caregiver services and assistance. However, dementia is not limited to people over 65, and early-onset dementia can affect people as young as 30. Over 200,000 people under 65 are currently affected in the United States today, in addition to the 5.6 million Americans over retirement age.

Those numbers are also growing. From 2013-2017, diagnosis rates increased for people aged 30-44, 45-54, and 54-64 at 407%, 242%, and 90% respectively. That means millions of new caregivers will need to be added to the ranks of 43.5 million unpaid caregivers currently taking care of a loved one in the United States today, and Millennials will increasingly find themselves serving as a dementia caregiver.Resources will be at a premium in years to come, and for those currently providing caregiving assistance for patients with dementia the need is immediate and critical.

Don’t worry. We’ve got you. We know how challenging it is to care for someone suffering from dementia, and we’re providing you with the links and dementia caregiver resources you need to make empowered decisions and create the best experience you can on your caregiving journey.

Where to Start With Dementia Caregiver Resources

Because Alzheimer’s is the most well-known example of dementia, it also has the best and most ubiquitous resource pool available. It’s a great first search engine term when you’re looking for general information. You can be sure that—whatever a particular dementia diagnosis may be—Alzheimer’s resources and experts will be able to point you in the right direction.

Also, because dementia is a progressive disease, dementia caregiving resources are divided into three categories: early-, middle-, and late-stage.

Early-Stage Resources

Patients in the early-stages of dementia are usually self-reliant, but experience mild symptoms of memory loss and cognition impairment. Caregiving at this stage involves long-term planning, emotional support, and assistance with everyday tasks.

The Alzheimer’s Association is an excellent resource to help prepare you for the types of challenges and situations you’re going to require. It covers safety advice, expectations, checklists, and guidance for making your experience with your loved one fulfilling and teamwork-oriented.

Also, one of the hallmarks of dementia caregiving is the need to engage in personal interactions that can be viewed as invasive. Car keys may have to be taken away, and independence may have to be restricted. Those receiving care sometimes feel babied or infantilized by their caregiver, and it can be a difficult dynamic to manage. Early-stage dementia is also when you’ll want to start researching government assistance and local programs that will ease your caregiving burden as things progress. The AARP has an excellent and comprehensive list of state-by-state resources you can take advantage of, covering topics ranging from Medicaid, to financial planning, to assistance with daily life.

Car keys being taken away is no joke, so here is a guide that detailed the laws behind dementia and driving, what are signs of unsafe driving, how to talk to a person about quitting driving, and how a person with dementia can still maintain some independence.

Middle-Stage Resources

Middle-stage dementia often lasts the longest, and marks an important shift in caregiver needs and responsibilities. Not only will you have to create systems and structures that function well over time, but the pressure of caregiving will require you to take your own health and wellbeing increasingly into consideration as part of the caregiving experience.

Because middle-stage dementia typically involves complications for communication and subsequent frustration and anxiety, it’s important to educate yourself on dementia-specific behavioral and communication strategies. Caregiver.org provides a great deal of insight for caregivers who are currently working with a loved one with middle-stage dementia.

Finally, it’s important to start looking for caregiver wellness resources and support communities that will enable you to manage self-care as things become increasingly stressful and your burden increases. I-Ally is a community of caregiving professionals and at-home caregivers who can provide you with the quick tips, expert advice, and emotional support you need to make your caregiving experience one of empowerment, fulfillment, and joy with your loved one.

Late-Stage Resources

The final stage of dementia can last weeks or even years, and it’s where caregiving reaches its greatest level of involvement. People suffering from late-stage dementia usually require 24/7 care, and may struggle with eating, mobility, a compromised immune system, and general hygiene.

This is the stage when caregivers are also experiencing their highest stress levels, personal difficulty, logistical challenges, and financial strain. A loved one’s interactions may be limited to listening to music, being read a book, or simply sitting outside together. It can feel very lonely for a partner or spouse who is disconnected from the wonderful, interactive person they dedicated their life to. Because of the burden, this is when many families have to make the decision to engage professional care and hospice services. The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO) is an invaluable resource for connecting families with the services for managing late-stage dementia.

Managing Dementia Caregiving With Community

Loneliness, anxiety, and isolation are common experiences for people involved in dementia caregiving. Resources are key, but finding the right online community of professionals and caregivers can be the difference between hanging on by your fingernails and living your best, most fulfilling life. I-Ally is dedicated to providing caregivers—particularly younger caregivers—with the information and support they need on their caregiving journey. Visit us, and find out how to make I-Ally a vehicle for your caregiving empowerment.

Cancer can strike anyone, anytime, and depending on the diagnosis it can require anything from a simple procedure to full-time caregiver support. One of the greatest challenges of becoming a caregiver for a loved one suffering the effects of cancer is the breadth of physical and mental complications that must be managed. An early-stage diagnosis for breast cancer, for instance, is highly curable and has a very low recurrence rate. Caregiving may be limited to the comfort and support you would give anyone going through a health crisis, and possibly some post-surgical logistics and mental healthcare for issues related to identity and self esteem.

However, severe cancers like mesothelioma and pancreatic cancer bring with them a wide and complex range of challenges that span everything from end-of-life planning to caregiver burnout. Caregivers may find themselves responsible for finances, navigating insurance and hospital systems, and legacy planning on top of direct caregiving duties for a suffering spouse, parent, or child. It can be overwhelming, especially if you become a caregiver at a young age when your life is already packed with the hustle of a career and starting a family. One thing is for sure: you’re going to need help, and that’s why we’re providing you with our best cancer caregiver resources for at-home caregivers.

General Information

Everyone’s heard a lot about cancer and everyone knows that it’s bad, but when your family is confronted with a diagnosis the most stressful part can be the scope of the unknown. Cancer presents so many life-changing questions, and reactions to a diagnosis often include sadness, anger, loneliness, panic, and anxiety.

Empowerment for at-home cancer caregivers begins with knowledge and community, and there are plenty of resources to tap to help get you up to speed.

Healthcare Professionals

Doctors, specialists, nurses, psychologists, receptionists, and pharmaceutical staff are some of the many healthcare professionals who can provide you with valuable and specific information you need. Use them! The only stupid question in caregiving is the one you don’t ask, and they’re there to provide as much help and support as they can.

The American Cancer Society

The American Cancer Society is a comprehensive online resource that covers every aspect of cancer from prevention through end-of-life. They offer a diverse portfolio of resources for caregivers covering a wide range of important topics. Check it out.

The Mesothelioma Center at Asbestos.com

Specific to Mesothelioma patients and caregivers, this resource offers comprehensive caregiver support. The site also offers financial assistance with lost income, the high cost of treatment, travel grants, legal help and more. This site is heavy-hitter.

Mesothelioma.net:
Mesothelioma caregivers play a vital role supporting loved ones through daily tasks, medical coordination, and emotional care. Mesothelioma.net highlights how caregiving varies, the importance of a care team, and why caregivers also need support, self-care, and help from others to avoid burnout. Learn more! 

Financial Assistance and Logistics

Cancer patients can require varying levels of caregiver assistance, and in many cases the support they need concerns finances and logistics. The average annualized cost for a cancer diagnosis can range from $5500 to well over $110k, and a significant portion of that can be borne by the patient. Pharmaceutical costs, deductibles, and day-to-day expenses add up fast, and unless you’re a CPA you’re going to need some help.

Grants and Support Resources

Fortunately there are many grants and financial aid programs available for caregivers, and it’s usually just a question of doing a little legwork and paperwork. The AARP offers a thorough list of caregiver assistance by state, and organizations like Live Care Foundation and ARCH National Respite Network connect caregivers with cancer caregiver resources to ease the financial burden. They can even connect you with a financial advisor to help you make the most of what you have.

Logistical Assistance

Sometimes all a cancer patient or caregiver needs is a few extra minutes in the day to fit everything in, and that’s where a little hands-on assistance can make all the difference. There are many local programs that will help with the basics, like meal prep, laundry, transportation, and running errands. Churches, local government agencies and healthcare providers, and even your friends and family are big go-tos when it comes to making an impact in your daily experience.

Exploring Community

Wading through cancer caregiver resources can be a health and wellness challenge all its own. Digging around, spending hours on hold, and filling out endless paperwork burns a caregiver’s stamina and mental energy, especially when a loved one’s care is riding on your hard work!

Finding the right community of professionals and at-home caregivers can be an incredible timesaver, as well as reduce the stress and anxiety of being solely responsible for answers when you’ve barely begun wrapping your head around all the questions.

Your caregiver community can give you fast, accurate information to make informed decisions when you need to make them, as well as offer expert advice for navigating unfamiliar and bulky systems. But perhaps most importantly, they will be able to tell you all the things most caregivers don’t see or know to look for.

Caregivers are notoriously bad at taking care of themselves, and the seasoned caregivers in your community will quickly identify the signs and symptoms of caregiver burnout when you’re interacting with them. They’ll look out for you when you’re looking out for everyone else. That’s huge.

Discovering Cancer Caregiver Resources with I-Ally

I-Ally is an online community of healthcare experts and caregivers just like you who are dedicated to supporting and empowering each other on their unique caregiving journeys. If you need advice, support, or just a friend with a strong pair of hands to pick you up and two good legs to walk with you awhile, I-Ally is your caregiver home. Reduce stress, save time, and explore cancer caregiver resources that will make all the difference. In solidarity: I-Ally.

Stress: that awful feeling when the pressure of deadlines, the onset of challenges, or the general buzz of anxiety sink into your bones. It’s your body’s way of telling you something needs to be on your radar, and like a hungry pet, it’s going to make it really difficult to pay attention to anything else.

Caregivers are particularly susceptible to the effects of acute and chronic stress, because they are essentially stressing for two. A person providing care for a loved one often has a few micro-emergencies to manage every day in addition to the ongoing challenges.

Throw in a career and a family, and caregiving can become a pressure cooker of acute stress vs chronic stress that can take a serious toll on your health and wellbeing.

Unfortunately, stress is unavoidable, but how we manage it has a huge impact on our quality of life. We’re going to explain acute stress vs chronic stress, what they do to you, and how you can anticipate and mitigate their effects to make caregiving the fulfilling and rewarding experience it ought to be.

The Causes and Effects of Stress

Stressful situations can be physical, psychological, or both. When they occur, our body releases cortisol and adrenaline to cut out nonessential thoughts and focus on the threat.

This heightened state of invigilation is extremely useful in fight-or-flight situations, but it comes at a cost: by overriding our logical and emotional faculties, we lose the ability to make cool, objective judgements.

Because caregiving tends to be a high-stress environment—and therefore difficult for our brains to manage in the moment—it’s particularly important that caregivers understand the differences of acute stress vs chronic and how to deal with each of them.

Acute Stress

Acute stresses are immediate threats or challenges we need to handle right now. If your mother slips and falls, that’s an acute stressor (forget the baby food, get to mom!).

Acute stress can ruin your day and leave you feeling like you just left a warzone. These events often make you sideline a lot of important tasks, and that means tomorrow you’ll be playing catch-up. The collateral damage from acute stresses can take days or even weeks to subside.

Chronic Stress

Chronic stress is caused by big-picture, long-term pressures. It’s the daily anxiety from medical bills slowly draining your savings or watching a parent’s gradual deterioration. It grinds you down and turns your whole world gray.

Chronic stress is responsible for a lot of the long-term negative effects we typically associate with stress. Depression, emotional detachment, and health issues like chronic pain and substance abuse are all by-products of living with chronic stress.

Managing Caregiver Stress

Fortunately, while you may not be able to avoid or eliminate the stress of caregiving, there are plenty of things you can do to minimize its impact. It’s not always easy (thanks, stress hormones!), but with a few strategies and some planning you can take back control and start living life on your own terms.

Set Routines

“Plans are useless, but planning is everything.” —D. Eisenhower

Routines are immensely helpful for mitigating both acute and chronic stressors. The more structure you create, the better prepared you’ll be when challenges arise.

Look, the universe delights in upsetting apple carts, but there’s a big difference between having a plan and being totally unprepared. Routines mean normalcy exists, and when things go crazy your routine will be the life preserver you cling to.

Routines are also hugely beneficial for managing chronic stress because they help you chip away at big problems that take a long time to solve. If you know you’re on track to eliminate a debt or manage future caregiving issues, the pressure won’t seem so oppressive.

Build in Breaks

The last thing your brain wants to do under fire is lighten up, even if it’s objectively appropriate. Stress reactions magnify problems, and that means losing perspective and control.

When your blood pressure rises and you feel that anxiety creeping in, it’s ok to call a timeout. Take 5 minutes, make a cup of tea, and let those cortisol levels mellow. Take a deep breath and get back to it.

Breaks matter in the big picture too. Make sure you build in “you time” when you’re looking at the weekly schedule. That cup of tea should be on the calendar as well as the countertop! Seeing the ebb and flow of challenges and down time on paper can make all the difference.

Community Support

One of the worst acute and chronic stressors is feeling like you have to manage everything on your own. It’s awful, and sometimes you just need a brain to pick and a shoulder to cry on. Finding the right online support community is a game-changer for caregivers, and particularly younger professionals who are balancing a career, family, and uncertainty about their place in the world. In the time it takes to grab your phone, you can access the expert advice and caregiver experience and support you need to bring those stress levels back down to earth.

I-Ally Will Help You Steady the Ship

Understanding acute stress vs chronic stress can make a huge impact in your caregiving experience. However, even the best of us sometimes need a helping hand to pick us up, dust us off, and reinvigorate our spirits. I-Ally is an online community of caregiving professionals and in-home caretakers that focuses on the uniquely stressful challenges Millennials face when caring for a loved one.We know it’s hard—because we’ve been there. Let the I-Ally community stand with you.

If you’re a young professional and you have a friend who is a caregiver, you’ve seen them at their best and worst. They probably put on a strong front, and their schedule is always held in tension by their responsibilities. You probably can’t believe how much they’re able to juggle when you can barely handle your life, and although you keep it on the inside, they’re an inspiration when you’re feeling overwhelmed and worn out by the daily grind.

But sometimes, when you look a little closer, you can see the stress on their face and hear the strained edge in their voice. It’s the little things. A frazzled “I’ve got to get dad his medicine,” or a side exchange with a boss: “Look, I just need five minutes!”

In fact, now that you think about it, that happens a lot more often than you realized.

Caregiving can be extremely demanding, and while some hide it well, most caregivers are actually under an enormous amount of pressure. Caregiving takes many hands, and small lifts make a lighter load. Let’s take some time and consider these 4 ideas for how to support caregivers in our lives who are giving of themselves to support a loved one in theirs.

1. Offer to Help

There’s an old adage about helping people that is as true today as it has ever been: don’t ask if someone needs your help. Offer to do something.

Most people—not all, but most—tend to tell others they don’t need help when they really do. Everyone knows how it goes, and it’s not so cynical as “so-and-so just doesn’t know how to help themselves.”What’s really going on there is that your friend in need loves you and they simply don’t want to impose. It’s a very normal, empathy-based reaction. They think of how busy they are, they assume your life is crazy too, and they wouldn’t want to make your life harder either.Or whatever. Look, we all know the thing every good friend says next to a bestie who’s clearly at the end of their rope, but hey, they’re at the end of their rope!In that situation, knowing how to support caregivers is easy. Don’t query, quantify. Say, “can I do X for you?” (or even better, “When should I do X for you?”).

If they have kids, offer to pick their kids up from school. If they have a late night, offer to bring them dinner (disposable pans, easy reheat. Lasagna, anyone?” Even just texting and bringing them a coffee is an amazing way to fill the gap in their availability with a soul full of the warm fuzzy fuel they need to keep at it.

2. Help Them Make Space for Themselves

It’s time for some facts. On average, 55% of caregivers suffer from depression. That’s awful, and by some strange coincidence, the average percentage of caregivers who report feeling lonely and isolated is also 55%.

I’m not a doctor. I’m not here to say I can statistically prove those two incredibly identical data points are related, but I’ll tell you what I do know for sure:

I’m a Millennial caregiver who is part of a generation that is 40% more likely to become caregivers for an aging parent just like me. And it’s very, very easy to lose track of your friends when you’re suddenly completely responsible for another person and become lonely, isolated, and depressed.

It’s not that they don’t care. You lose contact because they’re overwhelmed with immediate concerns, and one of the best ways you can support a caregiver is by making an effort to maintain the friendship while they figure out their new life.

Text for tea. Plan for lunch. Cook lunch for them and hang out chatting. Even offering to help them with their caregiving chores is an opportunity to socialize and develop those oh-so-important bonds that—let’s face it—we all need.

3. Birthday?

Ya. Birthday. You can make that happen. Seriously, you have no idea how little time caregivers have to think about themselves. Even buying a cupcake from the store and plopping a single candle in it would mean a lot to someone who’s so busy they can’t even remember which birthday this is.

4. Be an Exercise Partner

OK…I’m not judging…but c’mon. You kinda needed a gym buddy anyway, right?

Exercise matters for all of us. Being in good health is good for our self esteem, our energy levels, and our bodies, but for caregivers it’s critical.When you’re crazy busy, the first thing to go is your own physical health, and it’s why caregivers are at significantly increased risk for heart disease, high blood pressure, chronic stress, obesity, diabetes, and even some cancers.The bottom line is, you can be a huge influence for good by just being a workout buddy. Tired people who want things often just need a nudge and a fist bump. It’s good for them, and it’s good for you!

I-Ally

It’s hard watching a friend who’s struggling in a new caregiving role slowly give up trying to take time for themselves. Knowing how to support caregivers isn’t always obvious from the outside.

The I-Ally community is a support network of industry experts and caregivers just like them who know the pitfalls young caregivers can find themselves in when taking care of a loved one. If you have a friend who needs a community and support, consider connecting them with I-Ally and help them get on the road to being a caregiver for themselves too.