Good evening, mortals! Thank ye for joining us last night—I hope the revelations about Mr. Autumus were not too unsettling. If ye missed V. Butler & Linukili ascending to the Heavens—the banishment of the Spectre of the Theatre down to the Hells—& an unsettling public service announcement from the personification of all billionaires—head to the replay, right here!

The Dark Potency of Money

Mr. Autumnus revealed last night, that he has been following us e’er since his betrayal back in episode #272. It seems he possesses the power of invisibility, & may not need to eat nor drink. We entertained him after the show, but it felt a bit like entertaining a tiger.

He toyed with us, this foul Mr. Autumnus. He insisted on appearing in next week’s season finale, for reasons we could not guess.

Please, look not into his hollow eyes. Draw not his gaze. Avoid his attentions at all costs.

Mr. Autumnus is not to be trusted. Mr. Autumnus is to be feared.

Broadway Beetlejuice wielded against the Spectre of the Theatre

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

Ye still have six more days to attempt to earn a Season VII No-Prize! For more details, review this past Wednesday’s edition!

I shall write ye Monday with a fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & I hope ye avoid the Spectre of the Theatre…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Autumnuphobic

MORTALS—this season’s journey nears its end. We stand within sight of the Shattered Empire’s far Western shore—but we dare not leave without tying up our LOOSE ENDS! Any unrepaid slights—dangling cliffhangers—missing friends or evasive villains, we shall sew neatly into a beautiful tapestry! Be there Friday 8PT & weave with us our LOOSE ENDS!

WHAT A JOURNEY

ANNOUNCING
The Season VII No-Prize!

Next week, when #300 we reach, this sojourn across the Shattered Empire will total 43 evenings—43 hours of adventure, & magick, & strangeness! & though we shall gather as many loose ends as we can in our grand narrative loom, undoubtedly, there shall be PLOT HOLES.

We traversed an entire world—warred with the foul Billiens—met any number of Elves, Dwarves, peasants, con artists, Alchemical Individuals, gods, & Mr. Neelix. Somewhere, along the way, no doubt, the sheer amount of magick flinging about must have caused at least one or two ruptures in the normal flow of reality.

If ye noticed a plot hole—a canon contradiction—any unexplained anomalies in the normal nature of time—then leave a comment upon this edition of the Scriptorium describing what ye observed, & ye shall win a NO-PRIZE! A custom bit of art, on a Certificatum Officialis, sent directly to thee via electrified mailing.

All readers & kind beings are eligible to earn a No-Prize. No restrictions on number of entries. Certficata may or may not contain any number of curses, hexes, bindings, mind-washing instructions, &c. Prize not valid in the States of West Carolina, Michitony, Nevervada, nor Ultima Hawai’i.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us Friday to wrap up our LOOSE ENDS! I shall write ye again Saturday afternoon, after which I presume we shall be the most narratively complete talk show in all history. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & good luck earning a No-Prize…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Plot Hole Sealer

Merrie Monday’s greetings, mortals! I hope the weekend treated ye kindly.

After hearing of the recent…”direct action”…down California way, where a worker set his warehouse aflame to protest working conditions, I rounded up a few arcanarchist friends for an excursion. We scouted a ruin, in use as a hub for business-brained cultists to store poisonous herbs, obsidian athames, sack-cloth robes, sanguine alembics, & so forth.

As with the warehouse worker had done, we evacuated all the mortals first, by tasking our chartreuse dragon to fly o’er the site. Then myself, the pixie, & the nixie set to work. Well, the nixie & I set to work—comrade pixie found some books & became engrossed. Hard to blame her.

The warehouse worker declared, as he lit the flames: “All you had to do was pay us enough to live.” Will the bosses listen? I know not. I have my doubts—they seem to thrive on the misery, e’en as the risks rise.

A more salient question—will the workers listen?

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode—#299, wherein we shall weave any lingering, loose threads! Til then: be safe, be well, & may they pay ye enough to live…or else…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Ardent Listener

TURN IT OFF

Good evening, mortals! Thank ye for joining us last night; we had no idea the trees would be quite so violent & conservative. If ye missed the tree national anthem—tree-based racist speeches—& an advertisement for a disgruntled ex-husband’s pool cleaning business—head to the replay, right here!

The evening did, howe’er, end somewhat tragically—for the second week in a row! Are we the common denominator? Nay; ‘twas the trees who were wrong.

Hapax the Druid, an angry beaver, became so upset by the news stories during Mageocracy Now! (our monologue) that he opened a portal to Earth & invaded, in the name of all plants & animals on thy planet.

Gee, just cannot imagine why the wife left

I taught another InstaGoblin law, & it advised us to release the following statement:

WizWorld LIVE™ & its representatives apologize profusely for any confusion that arose during last night’s show. It was never the intent of Amœnus™ nor Summersbane™ that any invasions of Earth be launched.

The issue arose from a simple misunderstanding. Hapax the Druid was under the impression that Earth only recently became filled with bad news & environmental devastation. He had no idea that the people of Earth have been suffering for millennia, nor that the people of Earth have been obliterating their own planet for more than a century.

Summersbane™ & Amœnus™ both regret the intense loss of life, on both sides, that occurred during the incursion. Hundreds of Special Forces & CIA operatives fought with the legion of oaks, pines, maples, sequoia, & their beaver leader.

Resurrecting the soldiers would unfortunately have been prohibitively expensive; we were though able to plant cuttings of all the fallen trees, thankfully!

While we certainly understand Hapax the Druid’s motivation, & share his outrage over the horrific conditions on the benighted world known as “Earth,” we of course decry his methodology.

We would like to make it clear that nobody involved with WizWorld LIVE™ encouraged the invasion, & would please like to not suffer any consequences for any part we may or may not have played in the regrettable situation.

Petriot Pate’s ex-wife

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with a fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & I hope ye enjoy a restful Sunday…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, #HapaxWasNotWrong

MORTALS—as we near the Shattered Empire’s far Western shore, we take this week a brief detour Southward to a grove, that we may witness S.E.E.D. PAC! An important political conference, we are told, for trees, plants, & allied druids. Few mortals e’er chance to observe the proceedings—join us for a rare glimpse of forest culture & politics, Friday at 8PT!

Along with our ticket purchase—hideously expensive, but thankfully, they accept flesh as currency—we received a small brochure. Inscribed upon parchment (NOT paper, quite pointedly), it provides some highlights of various speakers & cultural events during the three-day conference. ‘Tis thus, I am given to understand, a fair overview of what we may expect during our brief time there on Friday:

S.E.E.D. PAC, Year Zero
Sylvan Ecumenical Electoral Driade-Duguþ Political Action Conference
First Annual, of the Frēo-Ġēar Epoch

• Opening Prayer Breakfast (no vegans/cannibals permitted)

• Vigil for Holly Kirk, Founder of Turning Leaf

• Speech: “On the Inherent Conservatism of Trees”

• Panel Discussion: Weed “Killer” from the “Make the Woods Healthy Again” Perspective

• Speech: “Why the Gods Agree With Us & Only Us”

• Panel Discussion: Do Vaccines Really Cause Acornism?

• Entertainment Hour: Comedy by Rob Cedar & Dave Chaparral; Patriotic Songs by Kid Branch

• Entertainment Panel: Retaking the Culture through Racist, Tree-First Comedy

• Prayer Lunch (presided over by Billy Graythorn)

• Networking Hour: Meet & pitch products to a who’s-who of entrepreneurs like Mike Linden, Ilex Jones, Milkbark Cuban, & Elderberry Holmes!

• Q&A: Holly Kirk’s widow, Eucalyptus Kirk, on how making a lot of money softened the blow

• Keynote Address: Hierophantic Candidate Carnimírië Lassemista Orofarnë presents his Tree-First platform

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us Friday for a fair & balanced look at S.E.E.D. PAC! I shall write ye again Saturday afternoon, presuming we are not tarred & feathered by the attendtrees. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & may thy king crumble soon…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Cannot Wait to Hear the Comedy Stylings of Rob Cedar

Paschal greetings, mortals! I hope ye enjoyed a tranquil Sunday.

In this time of brutality—misery—poverty—war—’tis important to steal any moments of peace & comfort that ye may. Whether an afternoon in a forest glade, or a quiet evening counting birds, or the fleeting charm of a creme egg—take the time, to grasp e’en a second of paradiso. ‘Tis worth it, I tell ye truly!

Spring—Eostre—Easter—howe’er ye name it, the season changeth regardless. & I hope the coming months bear kindly fruits, for ye all.

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode—hewing e’er closer to the big season finale, episode 300! Til then: be safe, be well, & may blessèd peace find ye.

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Creme Egg Enthusiast

Indulging in some mistakes

Pre-Easterly evening, mortals! Thank ye for joining us for such a pleasant & pastel show last night! If ye missed our mega-extendo-monologue—our mostly-fun encounters with the Kriestyr Bunny—& the lore around whether little duckies are children—head to the replay, right here!

The evening did, howe’er, end somewhat tragically—we mistook the creme eggs & chocolates, for creme eggs & chocolates. It turned out, that in truth, the animal-men laid eggs which looked like Earth candies. We ate two of those eggs, in our ignorance.

peep pa-peep

I taught an InstaGoblin law, & it advised us to release the following statement:

WizWorld LIVE™ & its representatives apologize profusely for any confusion that arose during last night’s show. It was never the intent of Amœnus™ nor Summersbane™ that any children be eaten.

The issue arose from a simple misunderstanding, rooted in ignorance. We did not know that animal-men lay eggs with a foil-type outer layer, which appear superficially to be the same as Earthen candies.

While it is true that Summersbane™ is a cannibal, that does not extend to any sort of preference regarding the eating of children. This is a harmful anti-cannibal stereotype, which we reject, & we hope all right-thinking beings may also reject.

At the end of the show, the Kreistyr Bunny claimed to be heading off to report the incident to a “higher authority.” We certainly respect the Kriestyr Bunny’s right to do so.

However, while we at WizWorld LIVE™ certainly cannot deny eating the eggs, we would also just like to not suffer any consequences for doing so. Please.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with a fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & have a peaceful Sunday…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, The Egg Was Delicious Sorry

MORTALS—only a few weeks remain ‘til we reach the far Western shore of the Shattered Empire, completing this season’s grand quest! & for this week, a being known as THE KRIESTYR BUNNY invited us to broadcast at his cottage! What a lovely offer! He was quite insistent, in fact—he must be a fan! Bring some chocolates & pastels with ye Friday at 8PT as we visit with THE KRIESTYR BUNNY!

April dawns this morn—wander not unawares into it! I divined this month’s forecast for ye, whilst nearly napping in a wondrous little glade, watching Spring emerge. Read on below, or head here for the audio edition, which always contains a few extra jests exclusively for the audio-audience!

The April Forecast
Divined in a blooming meadow, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, head here!

• This war-scarred APRIL gleams with an aura of DEPLETED CHALCOLITE.

• The SEASON FOR NONVIOLENCE runs from JANUARY 30th, to APRIL 4th—so far, EACH DAY A FAILURE. & the bones I cast had NO good things to indicate about April 1st-4th, either.

• A large CONGLOMERATE BUSINESS shall EMBARRASS ITSELF with a POORLY-CONCEIVED APRIL FOOL PRANK. This is something of a “FREE SPACE.”

• WAR, yet again. This is also something of a “FREE SPACE.”

• Beware SUNSETS this month; a friendly NAIAD burbled a CREDIBLE RUMOUR o’er mine ears that ECO-TERRORIST VAMPIRE BATS shall conduct NIGHTLY RAIDS all April long to protest…EV’RYTHING.

• A bloody BRAWL shall explode when two different, OPPOSING groups of “NATIONAL EX-SPOUSE DAY” celebrants accidentally DOUBLE-BOOK the SAME RESTAURANT.

• APRIL SHOWER shall fall, but what they yield in MAY this year, shall be LESS NICE than FLOWERS.

• If ye read this on April 21st, & thy name be OLAV, then HEED MY WARNING! Eat NOT that WONTON. Thy DATE dropped it ‘pon the FLOOR & then PUT IT BACK. GROSS.

• A certain KINDLY MARRIED COUPLE in CALIFORNIA shall experience a MOST JOYOUS ANNIVERSARY.

• FAIR PORTENTS: Whilst I dozed among the whispering meadow-grasses, I observed the flight of a contented kestrel & the pecking of a woozy woodpecker. I thus determined that this April shall be an auspicious month for—WATCHING BUBBLES BURST; PINING FOR THE SEA; & for INSTALLING FLOORING SWIFTLY.

• ILL OMENS: There too, I noted the mate-feast of a praying mantis, & the weeping of a diseased willow. These grim signs point to an April that holds naught but doom for—INVESTING IN ANYTHING; PINING FOR PEACE; & for TRYING TO BUY A THIRD HOUSE.

• HAUNTING QUATRAIN:
   Winds whipping hotly,
   An orange Moon hangs lowly.
   The cold blow of the horn,
   Warns the dead man of his fate.

• LUCKY NUMBERS: [LUCK NOT YET BACK IN STOCK AT THIS TIME]

An unnerving month ahead, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Saturday with, I assume, a delightfully cute recounting of what shall surely be a kindly evening with THE KRIESTYR BUNNY! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & ponder that quatrain…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Hoping for Cadbury’s

Greetings, mortals! March’s last breaths wither on the wind, & April rushes headlong toward us! Which brings with it, APRIL FOOLS’ DAY. A day of pranks & hoodwinks—which mortals seem to love, & yet, also frequently FAIL MISERABLY with.

& so, as a public service, I crafted this fool’s breviary. Please tote it with ye this year, that ye may fool around more triumphantly!

APRILIAN FOOLERY
A Pocket-Sized Guide for Well-Crafted Pranking

As an immortal wizard—o’er 6,000 years of age—I have seen pranks across millennia. Pranks both foul & fair, failures & finessed victories. I distilled my experiences down here, for mortal benefit, THOU ART WELCOME.

Most beings, mortal & otherwise, enjoy a good joke. & most beings, mortal & otherwise, have seen or suffered horrendous “pranks.” In my æons of life, I have found that the most successful foolery follows a few simple rules. I share them now:

1. Avoid cruelty: Many of the least-enjoyable fools, orient their works around cruelty. They pick on the picked-on, berate the weak, employ hatreds. Only the heartless find this fun, & typically, it ruins the moment for all except the perpetrator.

2. Avoid destruction: When an April fooling brings about destruction—whether of a car, a treasured toy, a poor comedian’s only good pair of pants, &c.—this, too, creates ill feelings. The prank is almost ne’er funny enough to outweigh the annoyance or misery of the destruction.
   
   There was one time, in auld Eoforwic—ye now call it “York”—where I did witness a destructive prank which were indeed funny enough. A local hogsman—known equally for his japes as for the quality of his hog-flesh—strolled into the alewife’s home one evening, as he so oft would. Eowils, the local Norseman tough, presented him with a head on a platter! That of a rival hogsman, who would often boast that he would “taste as good at dinner as a ham”…and…mayhaps this prank has not agèd well. But at the time, we laughed for hours.

3. Avoid fake marriage or pregnancy: ‘Tis simply annoying & rather hackneyed—truly, this stopped being novel by the 1600s.

4. Set up the prank in advance: Particularly for pranks involving irrealis, & twists relying on shared history, spending the time to properly plant the seeds of the prank shall always enhance its execution. Rather than suddenly pretending to take a trip to Rome, or making wild unfounded claims of encountering a cherished celebrity, begin to drop hints relating to the false event in the days or weeks prior. Mention odd facts about the city of Rome, like knowing the precise number of bones & skulls beneath its streets. Speak excitedly about receiving a ticket to the film premiere of the cherished celebrity, like a red carpet event for a new film starring Zahn McClarnon. A truly serious prankster will also craft supporting materials, like a fake movie poster for the film starring Zahn McClarnon, & then alter a real photo of Zahn McClarnon at a red carpet, to include thyself, thus polishing the reality of the lie.

5. Follow the prank with candy: Who could be upset at a prank, which gifts them candy? & if a prank goes very well, the candy then acts as a boost. There is no losing, when providing candy.

6. Maybe Zahn McClarnon is on “Cameo?”: Pretending to meet Zahn McClarnon would go o’er much more strongly with a custom video from the amazing actor, saying thy name & referencing how ye met. Is he on the web-service “Cameo?” Mayhaps. Worth researching!

7. Zahn McClarnon seems nice, perhaps if ye ask, he will join in directly: I have ne’er met the gentleman, but ne’er either have I heard an ill word spoken of him. Imagine if ye contacted him, & he were willing to join in on the prank! Forget the nonsense of “Cameo,” try sending an electrified mail! I bet he will be into it. I bet he will help.

8. Always say “April Fools!” at the end: That way, all know the prank has ended…which also provides an opportunity to begin the second layer of the prank! Like having Zahn McClarnon emerge from a pantry or other hiding place.

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode—only a few left until we complete our odyssey across the Shattered Empire! ’Til then: be safe, be well, & remember, Zahn McClarnon’s “Dark Winds” airs Sunday nights on AMC.

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Frequent Fool

Songly evening, mortals! Thank ye for helping us defeat the dastard PROSEO! & we thank ye also for helping us overcome the annoying aggrandizement of Grinnin’ Greg. If ye missed our mostly-songless night—our journey of non-musical self-discovery—our look into Summersbane’s mind palace—head to the replay, right here!

BELOW—for those interested in collecting the full “Rise of Proseo” storyline, utilize this handy collector’s guide! It lists every piece of media required to own every facet of the “Rise of Proseo”:

Do you trust gelato?

“Rise of Proseo” Collector’s Guide
In Narrative Order

“RISE OF PROSEO” PRELUDE

Singless Chronicles #444
Captain Warban: War Journal #7
Singless: Origins: Chronicles of Before #21
Black Panther #233
Spaceballs (film)

“RISE OF PROSEO”

WizWorld LIVE #296
Singless Chronicles #445
Judge Dredd Magazine #491
Stupendous Spider-Man #4 (LEGACY NUMBERING: #107)
Invincible Universe Presents: Battle Beast #5
Proseo: Origins: One-Shot #0
Daredevil: Born Again (Episode 3)

“RISE OF PROSEO” AFTERMATH

Singless Chronicles #446
Detective Comics #109556
Bi-Sexual Super-Boy #27
Eltingville #12
Crisis on Infinite Comics #3
The Rookie (Season 8, Episode 9, “Fun & Games,” featuring Dropuot Comedy)
The Bible: New Testament: Old Testament Chronicles #2

Interesting choice, Summersbane

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with a fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & sing thine hearts out…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, La-La-La

Greetings, mortals! This Friday, we encounter our greatest challenge since the Billiens!—an entity who hates singing!—a cosmic anti-chorus!—be there & witness the…SINGLESS CHRONICLES: RISE OF PROSEO!

The readers of the main “Singless Chronicles” comic book series [Trade paperback out now! — Grinnin’ Greg] sent in some fan letters that Proseo itself insisted we print here:

PEN CHRONI-PALS
The Un-Melodic Monthly Mailbag!
Singless Chronicles #444

Hello, true be-readers! Chuck Worbley here, writer of this captivating comic magazine! What an adventure—can you believe what happened with Libretto & the Octaver? What a scene! What an ending! But now, let’s answer some your letters from last month’s Singless Chronicles, issue #443…

Singless Crew,
      I’ve been reading since issue #201 (the “All-New, Not-Different” era), and I gotta say…it just keeps getting better! I only have one question: when are we getting more Octaver??
Writing without Rhythm,
      Peter F., Sacramento

Well, Peter, I think your Octaver prayers have been answered now in #444! Thanks for sticking with us, lo these many years.

Dear Singless Team,
     Wow! I didn’t think anything would top issue #442, but #443 blew me away! However, there was one little problem: Libretto mentioned never having gone to Japan, but he spent a whole year there, as revealed way back in issue #5 (“All Book, No Lyrics”). What gives?
     Tawny Q., Arcata

What gives, Tawny is us! Giving you a fabulous Quest Comix No-Prize! Well-spotted…now where is that editor? [Out of Office, sorry! — Grinnin’ & Escapin’ Greg]

Dear Pitiful, Song-Filled Mortal-Kind,
     Your finale is upon you. I, Proseo the Cosmic—Proseo the Final Coda—Proseo of the Singless—are come! KNEEL, COMPOSE AN ESSAY OF YOUR END!
     Proseo, the Omniverse Itself

Uh-huh, suuuure thing! We’re shakin’ in our boots here, “Proseo!” Do your worst—I could use a vacation anyway! [PTO denied, sorry! — Human Resourcin’ Greg]

I thought that guy was “out of office”…? Well, anyway, that’s all the room we had for letters this month. I gotta get back to work on the book—if that “Proseo” doesn’t try to stop me that is. WINK!
— Chuck “Songbird” Worbley

Thank ye for reading, mortals—& thank ye to those generous mortals who support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join for a truly cosmic crossover in SINGLESS CHRONICLES: RISE OF PROSEO! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & remember: ye are alive today, which means, ye outlasted OpenAI’s video monstrosity…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Member of the Merrie Marvel Marching Society (emeritus)

Greetings, mortals—staying cool, I hope? I journeyed up to Earth for an Eostre ritual, only to suffer mortalkind’s latest invention: SPRING-SUMMER. Why, mortals, would ye create such a monstrosity?

Like Summersbane, I prefer the cold dark of Winter to all other times of year. Spring is a lesser season, but its main positive quality, was that ‘twas not Summer. Now, with temperatures soaring above 100 degrees (by master Fahrenheit’s reckoning), this season’s core identity is melting faster than California’s meagre snow-pack. & not only on the West Coast, nor merely in the scorched Hellscape known as Arizona—this wretched Spring-Summer spans whole continents!

I wrangled a hummingbird into my bubborb, to cast bloom-beams & restore Springness as best we can; but he requires huge amounts of nectar for such work, & tires after only an hour. I think, unfortunately, humming-bubborbs may not work as a global solution.

What was this all for, why was Spring wrecked? Some grand plan? A vision from the future, where nine months of Summer is the only way to avert some worse catastrophe?

Surely, ‘twas not done for money? Was it?

The hummingbird stirs from his slumber; I must find some nectar & return to our labours, before this third day of Spring grows too hot to be outside…

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode! ’Til then: be safe, be well, & remember, only nine months of Summer left to go…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Spring-Mourner

Bottom o’the night, mortals! What a delight to share such an emerald evening with ye all! If ye missed our travels on the rocky road to Duv Linn—if ye missed a message from Afroman’s lawyer, & our visit from Paddy, & our most anti-imperalist audience yet—head to the replay, right here!

A message from our most regrettable sponsor

Speaking of Afroman’s lawyer, he advised us to issue some disclamatory statements:

• We at WizWorld LIVE celebrate Afroman’s & Afroman’s lawyer’s victory over the police, while also recognizing that some of the sentiments expressed in “Lick ‘em Low Lisa” reflect outdated attitudes toward the LGBTQ community, & are outright insulting thereto.

• We do, howe’er, endorse all of the content of “Lemon Pound Cake.”

• We at WizWorld LIVE endorse none of the content of Secretary Hegseth’s messages that have recently appeared on the program. We particularly object to his calls for genocide, glorification of violence, & his insistence on calling himself “Platinum Pete Hegseth”/”Silky Pete Hegsmooth.”

• We at WizWorld LIVE exercise no editorial control over sponsor selection; that is left to the InstaGoblins, who are independent non-contractors. They live for only 72 hours; we cannot teach them to read, & teaching them to understand context results in adverse mortality events.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with a fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & resist the English…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Sha-Kye Ra Admirer

Top o’the Wednesday to ye, mortals! This Friday, we celebrate HOLY PÀDRAIG’S NIGHT! Here on the far Western fringe of the Shattered Empire, the Sha-Kye-Rish peoples resisted imperial rule for centuries, & each year they celebrate their hero, Holy Pàdraig. Bring salted meat, wear something green, & join us Friday 8PT on HOLY PÀDRAIG’S NIGHT!

Below—find a short recounting of some major events from Sha-Kye-Rish history, which I gathered from some local archives & storytellers:

SHA-KYE-RISH HISTORY
An Abbreviated Chronicling

• In an unknown year, unknown millennia before present: A small group of Elvish settlers—the first wave of thinking beings to head this far West—find an icy new river, a lake as still as a mirror, & rolling meadowed hills.

• In an unknown year, one millennium later: The Elvish settlers vanish through what folk now refer to as the “Færie Gate,” a massive edifice of marble & mushroom.

• Approx. 1000 Ӕ.A. (Ӕror Anweald, “Before the Empire”): A group of Human & Dwarrow tribesmen, pushed Westward by the Warlock’s Drought, come upon the Elvish settlement’s ruins. They build up villages around the elegant stoneworks & tree-forts, & ponder the mysteries of the “Færie Gate.”

• 817 Ӕ.A.: An envoy of the Gnomish Protectorate arrives, & is rebuffed, violently. Weeks later, an army of the Gnomish Protectorate arrives instead, beginning the “Dawn War.”

• 815 Ӕ.A.: Led by Queen Sha-Kye, the Dawn War ends in a total rout of the Gnomish forces. They sign an accord, promising open trade, & æternal peace, with the people now known as the “Sha-Kye-Rish.”

• 779 Ӕ.A.: The Gnomish Protectorate collapses.

• 117 Ӕ.A.: After almost 700 relatively peaceful years, the Sha-Kye-Rish suffer upheaval, as the original Elvish settlers suddenly return through the “Færie Gate.” This begins the “Year of Sorrow.”

• 116 Ӕ.A.: Broadleaf Redcrown, daughter of the Elvish hierophant, brokers peace with the Sha-Kye-Rish. They agree to a “truth & reconciliation” process, where both sides acknowledge the massacres & trickery & wrongs. The Elves meld into the Sha-Kye-Rish thereafter.

• 7 A.I. (Anno Imperialis, “Imperial Year”): An envoy of the new Empire arrives, & is rebuffed, peacefully. Weeks later, an army of the Empire arrives instead, beginning the “Righteous War.”

• 9 A.I.: The “Righteous War” pauses with a truce, due to an extreme Winter; both sides plan to resume fighting.

• 27 A.I., Spring: Hostilities resume.

• 27 A.I., Autumn: Elvish members of the Sha-Kye-Rish bring a silver dragon through the “Færie Gate,” ending the hostilities, bringing the first full phase of the “Righteous War” to a close.

• 127 A.I.: An Elvish emperor decides to “re-unite” his “scattered people,” & declares the Sha-Kye-Rish land an Imperial possession. A young druid named Pàdraig rides a silver dragon all the way to the heart of the empire, declaring the throne a Sha-Kye-Rish possession. Both declarations are rescinded, & for saving the Sha-Kye-Rish from another war, Pàdraig becomes known as “Holy Pàdraig.”

• 324 A.I.: Emperor Parth-Kor the Half-Elven resumes his father’s dream; he marches on the Sha-Kye-Rish with a full wing of red dragon-riders, a troop of death-knights, & 7,000 spears. The Sha-Kye-Rish surrender, to save their children, & accept suzerainty.

• 331 A.I.: 7 years of constant insurgency & attacks on Imperial tax-collectors, leads to the “First Wrath.” Imperial death knights burn wheat-fields & slay livestock; red dragon-riders enforce a trade embargo. Several die of famine in the Winter—though fewer than might have, thanks to secret food shipments brought through the “Færie Gate.”

• 333 A.I.: This cruelty only hardens the resolve of the Sha-Kye-Rish; the insurgency escalates, leading to the “Second Wrath.” Emperor Parth-Kor visits in person, & incinerates the elders’ council. He declares the first “total embargo,” using Dwarrow warlocks to isolate the Sha-Kye-Rish land from all worlds at once. With no way in nor out, neither magickal nor otherwise, hunger devastates the Sha-Kye-Rish.

• 335 A.I.: Dwarrow & half-Dwarrow members of the Sha-Kye-Rish manage to tunnel so deeply that they reach below the embargo mythal’s reach, & they construct tunnels to friendly neighboring territory. Flow of food resumes, as well as trade goods, wands, & armor.

• 337 A.I.: The Sha-Kye-Rish signal to the Emperor that they wish to end the embargo, & submit fully to his will. He arrives in person, with a minimal guard, in his arrogance. The reign of Emperor Parth-Kor the Half-Elven ends, rather abruptly, 11 minutes after his arrival, & the Sha-Kye-Rish lands remain independent until the Shattering.

• 492 A.I.: Rumours emerge that the Sha-Kye-Rish have been funding separatist movements across the Empire; token Imperial expeditions arrive to “punish” agitators, but mysteriously, no culprits are ever found.

• 504 A.I. / ᚠ.ᛡ. 0 (Frēo-Ġēar, the present epoch): The Empire ends, after 504 years, with Sha-Kye-Rish warriors dancing upon the sundered throne.

Thank ye for reading, mortals—& thank ye to those generous mortals who support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us on HOLY PÀDRAIG’S NIGHT! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & remember: ‘tis possible to fight an empire & win…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Longing for Sha-Kye-Rish Land

NICE TRY

Monday’s greetings, mortals! Are ye prepared for the coming onslaught, of St. Patrick’s Day?

Early this morn, I went a-hunting for a pot o’gold—a friendly clurichan assured me of its location—& suffered AMBUSH. Vicious “Plastic Paddies,” emerging from the trees like snakes, leapt to violence! They hurled shamrock-bead necklaces, plastic green bowler hats, & bladed, whirling buttons with phrases like “IRISH FOR THE DAY” printed upon them.

I dodged them, easily; the green beer must have dulled their aim. Their munitions spent, they scattered into a stumbling retreat. Rather harmless, though quite annoying.

Why do such revelers ne’er take up more proper Irish traditions? Why do they not learn to write the Ogham? Nor invent the notion of putting spaces between words? Nor e’er rise up against the English?

The options abound, mortals, for being “Irish for the day.” Toss on some green, & dig into the isle’s rich history!

Now, back to looking for that pot o’gold…

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode! ’Til then: be safe, be well, & remember, tiocfaidh ár lá…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Beidh lá eile ag an bPaorach

O, mortals! A most fortunate evening to ye—did our luck redistribution ritual work? Have ye experienced improved, or average, luck? I hope so! If ye missed our fortune-warping night—if ye missed TWO evil sponsors—if ye missed our tales of luck both good & ill—head to the replay, right here!

A message from our most regrettable sponsor

A few mortals recently sent us ravens bearing messages, inquiring after our merchandise. We do sell a few items of merchandise in the shoppe, but with the margins slashed nearly to zero; we offer them mainly because some mortals want them, not as a way to make money. If ye wish to support us with coin, the best way is to upgrade to a paid subscription here, or send us e-coins directly here!

If ye have the means, & wish for our faces or ideas on clothing or objects, we offer most of our merchandise designs freely, right here! We ask only that ye use these for thine own use, & do not attempt to sell them nor charge monies for creating items with those designs.

Also, one design which is not in that bundle, but is in high demand, is the “Hunter & the Wiz” portrait, crafted by our dear friend H. Dubb! If ye wish to print it onto a t-shirt, or bean-filled bag, or tasteless lingerie, please access the image right here!

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with a fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & wish us luck…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Luck-Neutral

Felicitations, mortals! After a long stretch of ill luck, we must reverse our fortunes! & so, on this upcoming 13th, we shall transmute it with all our powers into a FRIDAY THE LUCKYTEENTH! Armed with charms, sigils, incantations, & our new “luck golem,” JOIN US & be TRANSFORMED at 8PT on FRIDAY THE LUCKYTEENTH!

& if ye missed this month’s forecast, which went out back on Saturday night, crack open that missive, or head here!

Below—find a small selection of “good luck” phrases, gathered from all around this most fascinating land, during our long travels across it:

LOCAL LUCKY PHRASES
Apotropaisms from across the Shattered Empire

• “Good luck!”: A simple, seemingly-universal classic.

• “Good luck, loser!”: Though on Earth this would be used cruelly or sarcastically, in the Northern lands of the Shattered Empire, this is considered a double-blessing. To refer to the person as a “loser,” is to imply that they are “due for a win.” Athletes & chefs both often deploy this one.

• “May the stars shine upon thine enemies!”: A typically Elven expression, this came into common usage in the middle centuries of the Empire, after a run of half-Elven & Elfophilic emperors. Rather than wishing good luck, it deflects bad luck onto foes. The stars were considered the eyes of the gods—& as any unlucky mortal can tell ye, ‘tis better to avoid the divine gaze whene’er possible.

• “Kiss the banker & miss the landlord”: A delightfully colorful phrase, wishing someone would come into some coin & avoid the thieving fingers of their landlord. I asked a few younger folk about this phrase; & while they still use it, the post-Shattering generations no longer know what it means—they have ne’er met a “landlord.”

• “A bountiful harvest, & a full-belly Winter”: A simple wish, from a simpler—but more desperate—era, the “long Winter” of the 2nd & 3rd Imperial centuries, when many starved. The emperors, of course, always enjoyed a “full-belly Winter.”

• “Break a leg!”: A particularly vicious one, this is used almost exclusively by racing centaurs. ‘Tis a “polite” way to wish death upon one’s opponents, for centaurs who break their legs are immediately put down.

• “Tarn vogo, au lono swoobo!”: Its origins & meaning are lost, but ‘tis the most common one in use among farmers, ranchers, herders, & fresco-painters. Some claim ‘tis a nonsense phrase invented by the First Teenagers, æons ago, at the dawn of this world.

• “May the luck of the Seven Pillars of Gulu be with you at all times!”: Self-explanatory; e’en on Earth ye learn of the story of Gulu, yes?

Thank ye for reading, mortals—& thank ye to those generous mortals who support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us on FRIDAY THE LUCKYTEENTH! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & remember: money CAN buy happiness, CAN buy good luck, CAN buy anything except taste…& heart…& ethics…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Starting a Clover Farm

I HAVE FAILED MY WILL SAVE. THRICE.

Greetings on this merrie Monday, mortals! Spring encroaches upon Winter’s last days, hurrying it out the door—& we have concocted a new module to entertain ye as the pollen counts rise!

Dare ye brave the lucrative challenges found at the TWILIGHT OF FINANCIALIZATION?

The party returns to their stronghold—a pleasant country villa in Charmingdale. Potatoes grow as large as pumpkins; songbirds fill the mornings; & all live in peaceable comfort…or, at least, they did! Ye find a notice on the door—the land beneath the villa hath been forcibly “securitized,” the bird-songs leased against future chirpings, & the potatoes were dug up to “encourage asset price growth.” In order to hunt down the villains responsible, & restore their tranquil villa, the party must wade into the TWILIGHT OF FINANCIALIZATION!

Lure players into our most edu-taining module yet! They must summon all their wits, wiles, & gumption to sort through the demonic bureaucracy of advanced finance!

This excruciatingly-researched module will test the role-play skills & patience of even the most experienced players. Though aimed at characters over level 12 & players over level 35, we believe anyone could enjoy or, at least, learn from the ToF!

While the normal economic rules in AD&D present a simplified, abstracted system for general tasks—like running a castle, or purchasing arrows, or bribing a witch—the ToF includes a 7,409-page supplement dedicated to helping you add a fresh layer of realism! Whether you want to explore the impacts of mineral supply on coinage value, or design a multi-layered syndicated loan tranche for a player’s magic item collection, or simply understand what “collateralized” means, our "Twilight of Financialization: DM’s Prospectus” has all the info you could ever possibly need!

We also designed this module to be totally combat-free, which we believe is a first in the history of table-top role-playing! However, during testing, we noticed that, 100% of the time, players resorted to violence when confronted with the high-stakes, low-intensity world of advanced financial instruments. To that end, the final book includes combat statistics for the various NPCs—like Horvath Goodfellow the halfling water rights lawyer; the wily Banking Clan & their Liquidation Squads; or the ultimate villain, Thorin Oakenridge Partners (CEO & Primarch of Oakenridge Ventures (a subsidiary of Oakenridge Gemstone Management)).

Should the players reach the end of the adventure without resorting to violence, however they will uncover horrid secrets that threaten their whole world. Shadowy clans of gambling-addicted money-men, whose tendrils teach across dimensions & leave no stone untouched! It is only natural to want to cast fireball at business-brained cultists, of course, but if the players can resist? In the “Deluxe Edition” we include several hand-inked charts laying out the precise relationships of the funds, shell corporations, cults, & demons involved. The party could spend weeks, or even months, just sorting out who owns whom!

Now that’s proper role-playing action!

Dive into an exciting adventure full of financial records, lengthy negotiations, & obfuscated interest-bearing structured re-insurance schemes, all at the…TWILIGHT OF FINANCIALIZATION!

When buried under hostile bureaucracy, friends are in short supply—be sure to add some helpful NPCs to aid thy poor players!

Intriguing, eh mortals? Pick up a copy soon, before the entire run is pulped to recoup insurance costs!

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank again-again that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode—where will the Shattered Empire take us next? ’Til then, be safe, be well, & remember—when ye owe the tavern ten coins, that is THY problem; when ye owe the tavern ten million coins, that is THEIR problem.

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Chaotic Good, Level 15 Arcanarchist, Suffering 1d4 Psychic Damage per Round

P.S.: For all the art fans, please enjoy this exclusive Scriptorium bonus, of the cover imagery without the text:

PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP

MORTALS—we only JUST NOW have left the freeport, what an ORDEAL. But thank ye for helping us turn the travel tragedy into DELIGHTS last night! If ye missed our interview/roast with Thundo—if ye missed a controversial political advertisement about soup—if ye missed the saga of the freeport announcer’s life & wedding—head to the replay, right here!

BELOW—find this month’s Forecast! Originally, I planned to complete the forecast before we left for Texas, but as that show was moved due to thunderstorms, we suddenly needed to put a show together! Thus, ‘twas DELAYED. Thank ye for thy patience!

I divined these whilst munching on a cottage pie from Guy Fieri’s Meat Pie MMM-Porium in the freeport. Read on below, or head here for the audio version!

The March Forecast
Divined in a freeport “rapid casual” eatery, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, head here!

• This tense MARCH menaces with an aura of RAZORED BLOODSTONE.

• The SEASON FOR NONVIOLENCE runs from JANUARY 30th, to APRIL 4th—so far, March, NOT particularly non-violent. There is now MUCH PRESSURE on April 1st-4th.

• An UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT shall make INTERNATIONAL HEADLINES, when a group of NATIONAL BREAST IMPLANT AWARENESS MONTH celebrants accidentally wanders into the WORLD’S LARGEST RATTLESNAKE ROUND-UP on March 14th.

• WAR, yet again. I am unfortunately “BATTING ONE-THOUSAND” on this.

• On ST. PATRICK’S DAY, avoid congregating in IRISH BARS; not for any mystical reason, ‘tis simply SO PLAYED-OUT.

• SHARKS…so many SHARKS…in IOWA. BEWARE THE TIDES OF MARCH, IN IOWA!

• THOU—aye, specifically THOU—shall enjoy an UNUSUAL DOUGH-NUT at an UNLIKELY TIME.

• FAIR PORTENTS: While perched atop an uncomfortable freeport bench, I observed zealous ravens & breezèd leaves. I thus determined that this March shall be an auspicious month for—BETTING AGAINST THE HOUSE; DODGING THE GOVERNMENT; & THREATENING MONEYED BUREAUCRATS.

• ILL OMENS: There too, I noted the wormy crawling of meat-grubs, & the weeping of stranded travelers. These grim signs point to a March that holds doom for—BETTING ON PRIVATE EQUITY; WORKING FOR THE GOVERNMENT; & for OBEYING.

• HAUNTING QUATRAIN:
   Seated on a throne of oak,
   An amber bird sings lonely,
   On deaf ears, & a blind heart,
   As the embers cool in the Sunshine.

• LUCKY NUMBERS: [LUCK TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE]

A most dangerous month ahead, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with a fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & beware the thunder…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Thundo-Targeted

WHAT WILT THOU, BROTHER?

HO there, mortal maniacs! This weekend, Summersbane & I journey to Austin, Texas—& then through a portal back in time to WRESTLEPOTAMIA! At the dawn of wrestling itself, we shall TAKE TO THE RING!

& so, here be some essential scheduling alterations around this Earth-shattering cross-o’er voyage:

FRIDAY: We of course shall not abandon ye—Friday at 8PT, just as normal, we shall BROADCAST! An especial behind-the-scenes show, as we do when traveling for renaissance faires, WITH a most especial host-guest!

SATURDAY: In the morning, ye shall receive the MARCH FORECAST, which I know ye all CRAVE. & then, at 7PM Texas Time (5PM along the West Coast), the WRESTLEPOTAMIA BEGINNETH.

If ye reside in the Austin area, simply travel to Ninkasi’s temple, Austin Beerworks Sprinkle Valley, & the Fight Opera crew shall slam ye through the portal to WRESTLEPOTAMIA. If not—FEAR NOT. For ye may observe the world-shaping events from anywhere in the world, on the Fight Opera Twitch channel! In either case, ‘TIS FREE!

SUNDAY: Normally on our broadcast channel, Sunday evenings feature a strange mortal program known as the “DOOM ROOM.” The lazy host shall take Sunday the 8th off, coincidentally when Summersbane & I shall be on our arduous trek back from Texas. Ye shall have to read upsetting news to thyselves for one week-end, I fear.

MONDAY: Late in the afternoon, ye shall receive a missive from me here, detailing our time in WRESTLEPOTAMIA—hopefully, with many photograms, if my InstaGoblins survive the trip!

After that, normal programming resumes!

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! Our appearance at WRESTLEPOTAMIA would not be possible without the contributions of our coven—THANK YE.

Expect the MARCH FORECAST on Saturday—& I hope to see ye at WRESTLEPOTAMIA. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & BAH THE GAWDS, IS THAT SUMMERSBANE’S MUSIC?

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Afflicted with Macho Madness