JUST IGNORE THEM

Good afternoon, mortals! Thank ye for joining us last night—terrifying as it were, imagine how more terrifying without all of thee? If ye missed our visitation by ghosts—if ye missed gazing into the mysteries of the gem—if ye missed a haunting musical number by the villain Aleister Crowley—behold the replay, right here!

A truly enhaunted evening ‘twere. We are no nearer to unraveling the mysteries of the Samhain-realm, & I fear in fact the mysteries only deepened. What be real, within? What be illusion?

& be there a difference?

The Vile L. Ron Hubbard, Wonderful Grant Morrison, & Foul Hogwarts Professor Alex Jones

These questions & more we were given to ponder, as we were visited by sorcerers Past, Present, & Future. I hope we may come to clearer answers, soon…

PLUS—as promised, I flogged several InstaGoblins into swiftly editing & publishing a sponsor video from last night! Ye demanded it, & they suffered miserably to please ye. Let their sacrifices not be in vain! Salute the nearest American flag as ye listen to Platinum Pete Hegesth’s solemn PSA “Going for Violence,” now on You-Tube & all of our other so-called “social media”:

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & good riddance to Crowley…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Steeped in Samhain

Wednesday’s greetings, mortals! This Friday at 8PT, we begin our journey through the Samhaim-Realm on SOME ENHAUNTED EVENING! Summersbane & I have battled & bested ghosts before, but can we overcome them on their own turf? Find out with us Friday at 8PT on SOME ENHAUNTED EVENING!

On our first few days within this Samhain-Realm, already we have observed many things mirabile terribileque visu:

Samhain-Realm Observations

A Few Sights from Inside the Woe-Form

• Many warped bones, of hideous shapes & sizes

• Brochures for an up-coming data-center project, from a company called “SamhAIn”

• Cyclists without helmets

• Skate-boarders without helmets

• Helmets without heads

• A small tele-vision, replaying only eternally a static-filled loop of Bugs Bunny’s 1943 propaganda piece, “Tokio Jokio”

• A scare-crow kissing a crow-crow

• Signs with gas prices from 1973

• Signs with gas prices from 2033

• Signs with blood prices from 2034

• The shade of Robin Williams, stuck in a cage, jabbed by devils whenever he does an accent he ought not to

• A stand selling sugar-free maggots

• A spectral juke-box, which plays normal songs from the world, but replaces all adjectives with “scary;” ‘tis not particularly scary, but ‘tis quite grating

• Peter Thiel, in the flesh, who seems to be here on vacation

Chilling, no? & if ye missed Monday’s edition, ‘twas the October forecast! Be sure to head back & absorb its prophecies.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us this Friday for SOME ENHAUNTED EVENING! I shall write ye again Saturday afternoon, assuming the haunting ends. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & may ye not encounter Peter Thiel as we did…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Haunt Experiencer

Good afternoon, mortals! I hope this week thus far treats ye kindly—& I hope my news brings it not down.

October is come, once more—hotly, & unkindly. On Friday it seems we solved the puzzle of our own liberty, & found ourselves trapped in a Samhain-realm! But I know ye need my divinations, & so I endeavored to predict. Read the October forecast below, or head here for the audio edition, which always contains a few extra jests exclusively for the audio-audience!

My Calendarium, at the rise of Fall.

The October Forecast
Divined in the Samhain-realm, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, head here!

• This over-heated October gleams with the menacing aura of GLOSSY AMBER.

• Expect much CANDY on HALLOWE’EN, but with a horrid PRICE. The belovèd tradition of TRICK-OR-TREAT suffers too from the unleashèd BOND MARKET.

• Vacationing in SOUTH DAKOTA? Bring plenty of MONKEY REPELLENT, to survive the impending SIMIAN UPRISING.

• Wow, nice JACKET. Could I BORROW IT?

• Expect a SPORTING TEAM to enjoy UNTOLD RICHES, after they agree to KISS A ROBOT. The robot will BETRAY THEM, romantically.

• JUMP-ROPE. Big time.

• DELIGHT strikes when CHARLIE BROWN is brought to life by a little-known CLONING COMPANY. However, TRAGEDY strikes, when he attempts to kick a FOOT-BALL.

• Make eight pounds of MACARONI. Ask not why—ye shall KNOW when ‘tis PERTINENT.

• AMERICAN MAGAZINE MONTH, a long-cherished celebration which everyone knows of, turns sour when PENTHOUSE FORUM receives a threateningly erotic story from THE NEW UNABOMBER.

• WAR, of course. What do ye mortals love so, about WAR? Why always WAR?

• FAIR PORTENTS: Trapped within this Samhain-realm, I observed the flickering of jacks-o’-lantern, & the sudden cackles of motion-activated witches. I thus determined that October shall be an auspicious month for—GUISING; MUMMERY; & also for INGESTING CANDY.

• ILL OMENS: There too, I tasted hideous peanut butter-taffy, & watched the disgusting dances of song-sparrows. These grim signs point to a month that holds naught but doom for—TRICKS; NOT DRESSING UP; & for REFINING OIL.

• HAUNTING QUATRAIN:
   Trick, or treat,
   Smell my feet,
   Give me something
   to live for.

• LUCKY NUMBERS: 4,600,000, the budget of Halloween III: Season of the Witch

An æon of both darkness & possibility looms before us, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Wednesday with news of our next episode! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & beware the Simians…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Ooh-Ooh Ah-Ah

NOT SO FUN IN THE END

Good afternoon, mortals! Thank ye for joining us last night, despite the disastrous conclusion to the show. Trapped, in a Samhain-site, for EVER? Fie!, & alas. If ye missed our delightful new edutainment segment—if ye missed our dreadful puzzle-box miscalculation—if ye missed news of a new pizza-oriented robot—behold the replay, right here!

& to those cursing the Queen of Samhain for entrapping us into the box—please, curse her not! Surely, she had no idea of this trip. Surely, some foul interloper cursed her gift. Surely?

PLUS—as promised, I flogged several InstaGoblins into swiftly editing & publishing a sponsor video from last night! Ye demanded it, & they suffered miserably to please ye. Let their sacrifices not be in vain! Enjoy the first edition of our new edu-tainment segment, now on You-Tube & all of our other so-called “social media”:

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & buy not the T-bill…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Treasury Bonder

Wednesday’s greetings, mortals! This Friday at 8PT, we step unto the spookèd season, & a mysterious “Samhain Queen” granted us a little treasure named THE WOE-FORM! It seems tales of our artifact-quest spread swiftly—how kind of this “Samhain Queen” to assist us! So join us, to solve this intriguing puzzle-box & open THE WOE-FORM!

Are ye ready, mortals, for the coming of Samhain? The date some call “Hallowe’en?” O!, ye may believe so, but first consult our check-list! Ye may forget something important, otherwise:

Proper Samhain Preparations

Prevent Poor Samhain Performance

• Firstly, confront all thy known & unspoken fears, so they shall not affect thee so powerfully.

• Then, peer into onyx scrying mirror to foresee thy party costume choice, thus providing sufficient time to construct or gather necessary components.

• Seek out small chocolates & other fine candies, to store away & bribe disguised children therewith.

• Seek out novelty “Autumn-themed” ales & potions, to store away & bribe disguised adults therewith.

• Seek out peanut butter taffy “kisses,” & burn them in a deep pit, for no mortal ought suffer its wan & insipid stain.

• Harvest the largest turnip of thy worst living foe, & carve it into a Jack-of-the-lantern, thus transmuting his food into thy light.

• Harvest the skeleton of thy worst fallen foe, & dress in a hideously embarrassing costume, thus transmuting his fate into thy delight.

• Instigate at least one argument about the “best horror movie,” to let the ghosts of films past know watchers still care.

• Construct an altar to a belovèd or honorèd dead, to think of all month & commune with on the Day of All Souls.

  • Insult them not—leave no foul peanut butter taffy “kisses” on the altar. Ye had better offer up thy good stuff! Real chocolate—no Hershey’s™.

• Finally, be certain to inscribe protective runes onto thine own bones, so that one day, thy foes may not exhume them to to dress in a hideously embarrassing costume. Many mortals skip this step, for reasons I still cannot understand…

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us this Friday as we assemble THE WOE-FORM! I shall write ye again Saturday afternoon, after we have fun with our little toy. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & I wish ye luck on the costume-hunt…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Samhain-Expector

Bright morning to ye, mortals! While digging through some of mine old manuscripts, looking for treasure-lore, I happened upon one that gave me quite a laugh. Summersbane—so named for his hatred of & war against Summer—enjoys popularity now-a-days, as he battles against the terrifying tide of climate change. But ‘twas not always so!

Centuries ago, with Winters more harsh & Summers more pleasant, he were seen as a foul nuisance! Peasants & priests alike blamed him for short Summers, or unseasonable cold. Some e’en produced warning-pages, like this one, targeting him as “Somer-Bayn Þe Wycce.”

I recall once a particularly persistent abbot tracked Summersbane all across Europe, chasing him from Cornwall to Cologne. Brave, foolish, & altogether misguided, the abbot waited for Summersbane to leave his room on wizardly business, then snuck inside. In the darkness, he prayed for courage, & gripped a silver-plated dagger—no cheap tchotchke, that. Summersbane, of course, were fully aware; he let the abbot stew there for a few hours, then shadow-stepped back into the room, appearing behind the would-be witch-hunter.

Then the abbot whirled about, dagger flashing in the star-light, stabbing & screaming, while Summersbane laughed & laughed. He took the dagger, & a year off the poor man’s life, then cursed him—with knowledge. Dreadful knowledge of thy modern world, & the dire heating of a dying planet. He returned to his abbey in Cornwall, fore’er changed, & ne’er again sought battle with any “wycce.”

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode! Til then: be safe, be well, & may ye ne’er fight an abbot in the dark…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Wycce

Mr. Gaggins, also known as “Little D”

Good day, mortals! Thank ye for joining us last night, deep beneath England in the old mathom-house of Michel Delving! If ye missed our unexpected party—if ye missed important messages from witches & Kohl’s—if ye missed an Alchemical Individual-assisted hoedown—behold the replay, right here!

Our delightful guest “Dildo Gaggins” can be heard, in the form of H. Dubb, hosting a new pod-cast called “Data Sinners” with our TGIF partner Nakamus! We wish them fortitude & luck, & hope the show thrives for many episodes.

Speaking of “Little D” (known also as H. Dubb), they concocted a wondrous make-up display for the show, which ye can see here in greater detail:

They designed their guise to evoke the look & style of this fine fellow:

If ye ne’er have read Tolkien’s classic The Hobbit, I highly recommend it. I also highly recommend the 1977 animated adaptation, a collaboration between the gentlemen of Rankin-Bass, & a studio called “Topcraft.” Topcraft, of course, later—via bankruptcy—mutated into the legendary Studio Ghibli.

The Dwarves who graced our show last night were, of course actual Dwarves, & all that transpires in the show is real.

But if the show were fake in any way, then the Dwarves last night would have been hand-colored, by me:

Dori, Nori, Oin, Gloin, Fili, Kili, Thorin Oakenshield XIII, Bifur, Bofur, Dwalin, Ori, Balin, Bombur

From images like these:

& if that were to have happened—which it did not—it would have taken about two hours total to color the Dwarves & slice them out into usable dolls. A labor of love, & well worth it, I believe. That is, IF such a process had happened—which, again, it did not, as the show & all the guests are in fact real.

Bilbo meeting the Dwarves, from the 1977 adaptation.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & may thy mind be not clouded by greed for the Arkenstone…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Dwarrow-Friend

Wednesday’s greetings, mortals! This Friday at 8PT, we resume our treasure hunt, & delve into an old mathom-house to find out WHAT BILBO BAGGINS HATES! Our quest for magickal artifacts continues with a simple mission: tunnel beneath modern England to find Hobbiton’s ancient treasury. There are no foes, & ‘tis not haunted (I CHECKED THIS TIME), so we should be free of interruption—& we have a wonderful guest, in the person of H. DUBB! So join us, in honor of Mr. Baggins’ birth-day, for WHAT BILBO BAGGINS HATES!

Aye, his birth-day! September 22nd marks that occasion. What a joyful coincidence, to delve down beneath old Hobbiton around such an auspicious anniversary…

A Partial Index of Mathoms

Compiled by Gongo Jamon, Mathom-Keeper,
During the Tenure of Mayor Peregrin Took IV,
in the 200th Year of the Fourth Age

• Coat of Mithril Mail (used, stained with lethal Morgul-poison)

• Largest Potato (prize-winner, Old Gaffer, current age 202 years, un-rotted)

• Smallest Potato (warning issued by Old Gaffer)

• Pen-Knife, from Gondolin of Old (owned by Hardle Dibblefresh, glows blue when a bill is nearby)

• Hat (fine one)

• Peach Basquerade Cloak (#1, signed by Bartlebean)

• Peach Basquerade Basket (signed by Bartlebean)

• Peach Basquerade Athletic Cup (signed by Bartlebean)

• Authentic Gandalf-Made Fire-Work

• Chipped Clay Plate (said to have been eaten from by King Elessar himself)

• Mediocre Poetry (penned by Meriadoc Brandybuck, received politely in honor of his deeds during the War; various topics)

• Various Rings (non-magickal)

• Silver Spoon (donated, under duress, by Lobelia Sackville-Baggins)

• The Arkenstone of Thrain (priceless jewel, precipitated the Battle of Five Armies, called also the “Heart of the Mountain,” donated by Bilbo Baggins)

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us this Friday for our WHAT BILBO BAGGINS HATES! I shall write ye again Saturday afternoon, after what shall certainly be a simple & tranquil talk show with no interruptions of any sort. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & prepare to welcome the Fall…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Maboniac

A fine post-Mabon Monday to ye, mortals! Could ye feel the equinox in thy bones, yester-day? The perfect balance of darkness & light, hours apportioned in perfect equality. Summer wanes, in the Northern hemisphere, & cooler months lay ahead. HUZZAH.

I spent some time in the so-called “Middle” Ages working as a traveling scribe—‘twas simpler to find work then, if one were literate & numerate. I transcribed legal proceedings, penned love notes for unlettered suitors, & on occasion seized an opportunity for a bit of creativity & illumination.

A minor jarl met me at an Imbolc celebration, for which I had painted countless signs for the vendors. He lamented that he could not read, but boasted that his children would, some-day. After some mead & conversation, I convinced the jarl to let me invent the children’s book, for a hefty sum of silver.

I designed the book as practice for reading, & an aid to learning the alphabet, & as cultural instruction. On this page—“E for Equynox”—I planted a bit of an anachronism, as a prank. I foresaw that, one day, neo-paganism & Wicca would arise, & their adherents would invent “Mabon.” I thus planted foreknowledge of the holiday, which were yet to exist, in the hopes that in the future, the book would be found & cause confusion among historians.

The jarl discovered this, unfortunately, once his child read the page aloud to him. I attempted to explain that I could see the future, & also attempted to explain the concept of “pranks,” but he found neither satisfactory, & I found myself exiled from town. Ah! Happens to the best of us.

If ye find it offensive that I provided a child with misinformation, fear not! I balanced the scales: “G” in my book stood for “Germ Theory,” & “H” for “Hand-Washing,” pages which put the child far ahead of the curve medically. Particularly, once the Black Death swept through her lands. A fair trade, I should think.

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode! Til then: be safe, be well, & may the coming Autumn treat ye well…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Impractical Jester

JUST IGNORE THEM

Good afternoon, mortals! Thank ye for joining us last night, on our first show back from the mountain! If ye missed our fantabulous ren faire re-cap—if ye missed creatures attempting to drag us into complex intrigue—if ye missed a jolly song about delicious sea-food—behold the replay, right here!

I hope ye may gently welcome the equinox on the morrow, & I hope the darker half of the year brings those in the Northern Hemisphere some relief from the oil-fueled misery of Summer.

& for those wondering—those two creatures who attempted to interrupt us, were apparently from LIVERPOOL. They represented warring factions of troglodytes; one, from their billionaire class, & the other, from the oppressed poor. It seems they use discarded cigarettes as money? Truly, I could not comprehend why they had money at all.

We taught the poor one how to construct a guillotine, & considered the matter resolved. HUZZAH.

PLUS—as promised, I flogged several InstaGoblins into swiftly editing & publishing a sponsor video from last night! Ye demanded it, & they suffered miserably to please ye. Let their sacrifices not be in vain! Sing along with the not-grim-at-all instant-classic “Shells by Tom,” now on You-Tube & all of our other so-called “social media”:

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & a pleasant Mabon to all…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Autumnally-Inclined

Wednesday’s greetings, mortals! This Friday at 8PT, we return to our normal broadcasting schedule for a RECUPERATIVE MABON! Still weary from the week-end in Idyllwild, we hope to celebrate the Autumnal equinox in peace & catch up on what we presume were two hideous weeks of mortal news? Hopefully, without any interruptions from ludicrous villains, high-stakes intrigue, nor ghosts. Join us for a restorative & RECUPERATIVE MABON!

We shall also, o’course, regale ye with tales from Idyllwild ‘26! The sights, the sounds, the futures & fun times, recounted for thy vicarious enjoyment.

Know ye of Mabon? ‘Tis a crucial spoke on the Wheel of the Year, marking the Autumnal equinox—the start of our global voyage into the darker half of the seasons, for those in the Northern hemisphere. Many of thine ancestors marked the equinox in a variety of ways, & we enjoy celebrating Mabon, a time of thanks-giving (not that “Thanksgiving”).

Personally, I prefer the darker & cooler months, & this equinox always brings me relief. I shan’t miss roasting in the oil-inflamed heat, & I pray the chaotic climate patterns bring much-needed rain-fall.

Why do ye call the pattern “El Niño,” mortals, by-the-by? “The Boy?”

“The biggest boy in history is expected this year!”

O, thy linguistic quirks…

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us this Friday for our RECUPERATIVE MABON! I shall write ye again Saturday afternoon, after what shall certainly be a simple & tranquil talk show with no interruptions of any sort. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & prepare to welcome the Fall…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Maboniac

Taken by Wassail of Ram Top Morris

Good afternoon, mortals! We are returnèd from the mountain, descended from Idyllwild ‘26 back down into the horrors of the Real.

A successful & soul-bolstering week-end all round, I think. We forged new friendships, renewed old ones, met many mortals & reunited with many others.

On Saturday night, after sharing much mead, we were treated to the usual sort of festive debauchery—a glance through a telescope, aimed at Saturn as it scurried through the night. Ne’er had either of us seen it so clearly from the Earth, & that image shall stay with me for some time.

We found more opportunities to be of help to our fellow performers & crew—assisting new-comers with their first tent, hauling props about, sharing provisions & advice. When operational crises arose, we organized amongst ourselves to ensure smooth resolutions. ‘Tis no small part of the faire-joy, that we live in a more anarchist mode for the duration…& when we leave, we always wonder, Why can mortal society not organize this way every day?

Many of the folk who work to make faires work, live on some “margin of society” or another. Often poor, with “irregular” employment, hailing from so-called “minority groups,” elderly, disabled. Groups whom the domineering nobility seek to oppress & suppress, whom they seek to malign & erase. & yet we come together, in joyous solidarity, to build a better society for a week-end or two. Truly, the Renaissance faire be one of the Imperium Americum’s only laudable cultural innovations.

The patrons, we notice, grow e’er more radical o’er time—EXCELLENT. At the faire, we need be less circumspect in our language & imagery than on these “web platforms.” The crowds, increasingly, bay for the blood of the billionaires, cheer for rebellion against data-centres, & yearn for a total reconstruction of society. ‘Tis a good sign, I think—if ye feel those ways, ye are not alone! & ye are in more crowded company than ye think. Folk from all walks of life attend our shows—from pre-school teachers (two this week-end!) to engineers to EMTs to Wal-Martsmen to death doulas—& the breadth of anti-Capitalist alignment, the diverse array of people dying to live fairer lives, ‘t provides encouragement in these dark times. We are at a boiling point, & when the dams burst, more mortals than ye suspect may be ready to join the fray…

But! Enough over-thought, onto IMAGERY!

I called after these two, “Shreks, may we take a photo?” They turned about, explained that they were in fact Fionas, & that there is not “just one ogre.” I apologized for my ignorance, we made amends, & they allowed us to capture the image seen above. Please bear my gaffe in mind the next time ye espy such beings—call them “ogre,” safely, instead.

We had the pleasure of sharing the tavern stage with the Flying Witches, a story-twirling ærialist coven. Their ærial array wobbled in a way that made Summersbane & I nervous, but they assured us ‘twas normal. Kind witches all, bringing a new mode of mind-body motion-show unseen anywhere else!

The kind folk at the Esperance of Adria provide shade, company, water, & artful steeled clashes. An excellent place to spend some time, whether performer or patron!

As the Sun began to set, I were invited (as all are!) into the most pleasant faire-closer ritual with Ram Top Morris—lately, ye may have seen, of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Wonderful ‘twas to dance with them again, & to share some drinks & laughs afterward, in the orange eventide glow.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye again Wednesday, with news of this week’s streaming episode! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & keep the faire in thy heart…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, So Tired

Good evening, mortals! The first day of Idyllwild ‘26 came to a delightful, Sun-set end. Tomorrow lies ahead—hopefully as delightful & energizing as today!

We were able, between our block-buster shows, to visit with friends, absorb some history & wisdom from the paper-smith, watch a bit of Morris dancing, & were e’en advertised to by a gentleman in armor who claimed his debut novel would “change the world” & that “people in Los Angeles are already excited to make it a motion picture.” I feel more sanguine about the chances of the romantasy writer whose future we fore-told, but only time will tell..

Here are a few images & memories of the day, with a fuller recapitulation coming Monday evening:

We reunited with many familiar faces—like our friend Karina (known around the coven as “Cinerina”). A faire veteran, & long-time improvisor, ‘twas a delight to spend so much of the day with her.

We also spent time with our friends Eve & CK, but they evaded photography.

 

Senseless violence, a gruesome spectacle, & thankfully we were not scheduled during it for it is impossible to compete with it! The group who were scheduled during it, moved their show later, & all things worked out, for this year’s entertainment is being self-organized in the anarchist style…& ‘tis smooth as butter!

A wonderful harpist, from the Ram Top Morris crew.

A delightful clown we met, Bee, a fellow traveler with the local pirate crew.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye again Monday afternoon, with images & memories from the second day & thoughts on the full week-end. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & see ye on the mountain tomorrow…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Idyphile

Wednesday’s greetings, mortals! This Friday at 8PT, join us behind the scenes of the IDYLLWILD RENAISSANCE FAIRE! HUZZAH, we return once more to summit the wondrous mountain, & take a horde of mortals back-ward in time to Renaissance-era SPAIN this week-end, & as an especial treat in our usual time-slot, enjoy our behind-the-scenes tour! Will we meet new animals? New warriors? Salivate over the hot dog cart? Find out with us Friday BEHIND THE SCENES!

Also, if ye be holding onto any questions or inquiries about Renaissane faires & festivals, Friday’s broadcast shall be the perfect time to ask!

& if ye plan to join us on the mountain this week-end, or ye find thyself heading to any other faire, be sure to recite the Fairebound Prayer:

O!, wise Renfæ, hear me!
Grant me safe passage & swift parking,
As I travel into the past.

Well, a re-constructionist fantasy of the past,
Which in many ways says more about the present,
But ye know what I mean,
O proud Renfæ!

Let me be willing to feel a bit silly,
Let me be willing to suspend ego & disbelief.

Let me be able to find shade & seating,
Let me be able to afford my eating.

Let me encounter the guilds I have been desiring,
Let the living history folks share things surprising.

May we end the day with more friends than before,
May not drop our keys ‘pon the horse-trodden floor.

(begin to walk Sunwise in a circle, thrice)

I will remember to take pictures.
I will remember to drink water.
I will remember to return one year anon.

These we ask, O Renfæ!

Huzzamen

Far back, in 2021, the Idyllwild faire were the first to welcome us as entertainers, & we are humbled to return for our FIFTH APPEARANCE! The faire runs Saturday & Sunday, the 12th & 13th, in Hurkey Creek Park upon the lovely mountain. Ye may secure tickets here!

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us this Friday at 8PT for our BEHIND THE SCENES broadcast! I shall write ye again Saturday evening, with images & memories from the first day of the faire. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & remember thy prayers…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Fairephiliac

Trepidatious greetings on this Monday, mortals. Last night I found myself playing prey amongst the mighty menhirs, pursued by hideous new mechanisms. Why do ye construct such deadly toys as these?

They fly & hunt of their own faux-volition, able to follow lethal orders long after their mortal commanders forgot them. Already they stalk vast swaths of the planet, slaying coldly, with no regard for age nor innocence.

This is how thy billionaires invest their time & tithes? Thy great generals & kings, this is how they spend thy precious tax monies?

What sane society could sanction such sick systems? There is a dread shadow in the heart of thy culture. What good are thy rulers, who kill in thy name, with machines they one day shall turn upon thee? There is no amount of voting which can overturn this depravity, when most candidates promise yet more blood.

Pick up one more the net & spear of old, mortals, afore these “investments” begin a-buzzing low over thine own neighborhoods—for what tyrants test abroad, they always bring back home.

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with more art, & information about our appearances this weekend in Idyllwild! Til then: be safe, be well, & turn those eyes upon the sky…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Autonomous Hater

Negotiating with Gozer the Librarian

Good evening, mortals! Thank ye for joining us IN THE STACKS yester-eve! If ye missed Summersbane’s Grimoire of Infinite Answers—if ye missed our live exorcism—if ye missed another important message from Platinum Pete Hegseth—set down thy book & watch the replay, right here!

The moment we realized the library’s archives may be haunted

September is come, once more—belching flame & promising doom. After we scrubbed the ecto-plasm off of the priceless libris last night, I spent some time among the shelves, divining crucial foresights for the month ahead! Read the September forecast below, or head here for the audio edition, which always contains a few extra jests exclusively for the audio-audience!

My Calendarium, in these waning days of Summer.

The September Forecast
Divined amongst the musty tomes, for Mortal Benefit
To listen to the audio edition, head here!

• This turbulent September gleams with the menacing aura of SANGUINE CORDITE.

• A rash of SHARK ATTACKS shall strike MARTHA’S VINEYARD, & it shall CONFUSE EVERYONE when the sharks begin to leave behind RIGHT-WING MILITIA LEAFLETS about being “GREAT WHITES.”

• America’s BOND MARKETS shall REMAIN UNSTABLE, despite the turgid oaf SCOTT BESSENT’S pathetic pleas for people to PLEASE WANT THE DOLLAR MORE.

• An impossibly UNCOMFORTABLE MOMENT emerges, when participants in the GREAT RENO BALLOON RACE make an emergency landing in the middle of a 9/11 MEMORIAL RE-ENACTMENT being hosted by a CHARLIE KIRK IMPERSONATOR.

• The gnarled HEAD of a certain ARROGANT CHAT-BOT BILLIONAIRE shall MYSTERIOUSLY EXPLODE during an excruciating SOFT-BALL INTERVIEW. The press shall attempt to blame the FASCIST SHARKS.

• WAR, but not one already in-progress. A NEW WAR, in a NEW PLACE, which NONE CAN AFFORD.

• On September 12th & 13th, Summersbane & I shall perform THRICE DAILY at the IDYLLWILD RENAISSANCE FAIRE! Will this be the year the show finally features NUDITY, as SO MANY have demanded? ATTEND & FIND OUT.

• BEWARE the ORE-IDA FACTORY on SEPTEMBER 23RD. The spirits whispered rumours of a MASS SPUDDERING. I trust I need SAY NO MORE.

• FAIR PORTENTS: I spent some time dropping copies of the ÆNEID, & examining the random passages they then opened to. I thus determined that September shall be an auspicious month for—LENGTHY SEA VOYAGES; DESCENDING INTO HELL & SURVIVING THE TRIP; & also for FLEEING TROY.

• ILL OMENS: There too, I dropped copies of Lindsey Graham’s memoir, & interpreted the random passages I found. These grim signs point to a future that holds naught but doom for—LUSTING FOR WAR; RULING IN THE SENATE; & for BEING A WIFE NAMED “DIDO.”

• HAUNTING QUATRAIN:
   Two towers fall,
   & a kingdom with them.
   But onward it shambles,
   believing itself alive.

• LUCKY NUMBERS: 357-66, & 98-1, the vote tallies for the “Patriot Act” in thy House & Senate.

Our Second-Most Evil Sponsor of the Evening

An æon of both darkness & possibility looms before us, mortals—but I simply see what I see. I hope together, we may make the best of it! & I hope as well, this information makes itself useful swiftly.

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale! ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & beware the Spuddering…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Gozer-Defeater

Wednesday’s greetings, mortals! This Friday at 8PT, we detour to a peaceful place, searching for lost lore IN THE STACKS! We have no valid library cards, no right of law to search among these shelves, but that SHALL NOT STOP US! Who will care, anyhow? A LIBRARIAN? Unlikely! Join us for a serene research meeting IN THE STACKS!

After the show, in Saturday’s edition, expect the SEPTEMBER FORECAST! & with September cometh also…THE IDYLLWILD RENAISSANCE FAIRE! Huzzah!

Far back, in 2021, the Idyllwild faire were the first to welcome us as entertainers, & we are humbled to return for our FIFTH APPEARANCE! The faire runs Saturday & Sunday, the 12th & 13th, in Hurkey Creek Park upon the lovely mountain. Ye may secure tickets here!

If ye reside some-where in the Sun-soaked regions of Southern California, I hope ye shall join us up on the mountain next week-end! & for those not near-by, we shall of course on Friday the 11th at 8PT, conduct our now-traditional BEHIND-THE-SCENES BROADCAST!

Much fun lies ahead!

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us this Friday the 4th for a book-worm-friendly evening IN THE STACKS! I shall write ye again Saturday morning, with the September forecast. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & mind those late fees…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Libromancer

A fine Monday—Monan-dæg—Moon-day—to ye, mortals! I chanced to luxuriate alone ‘neath the recent Full Moon, & felt inspired to dig into some of mine old codices.

Around the time when that rotten VVillem set his sights upon the muddy crowns of the Angles & Saxons, I were away on emerald Ériu, attempting to smash my scribe’s block with a stay in a stony coastal cottage. ‘Twere a stormy Summer—the sort I enjoy still—& ye must picture it several degrees cooler than now. Mortal-kind still lacked the dread power to ruin the planet entire, or scatter refuse so widely that the life-bearing seas became as poison.

I could see that sickening future rushing onward, when I dared to look, but it felt too horrid to bear, so I kept my gaze Earth-ward. Then, one night in the Weodmonath—the “weeds-month,” which ye term “August” to honor that vile villain Cæsar—the clouds parted, revealing a Full Moon. The brightest night in weeks sent the locals into rejoicing; they knew not yet the uisce beatha, nor fine stouts, but their festivals were unlike any other in that age of the world.

I sat on the roof of my cottage, observing the festivities, & gazing upon Selene’s bright face. I saw not only her natural beauty—the curve of her craters, those battle-scars gained in defence of the Earth & the mortals thereupon—but I saw also visions of what would come. Of her surface treated like a dung-heap & trash-mound, of billionaire mad-men hurling their spare rockets unto her, of the whirling eyes of greed-mongers as they plot to drill her for profit. My quill sprang to my hand, inspired! I usually attempted to avoid controlling mortal-kind’s future, for in so doing, it oft brought the very ruin which were fore-seen (just ask Pyrrhus of Epirus, whom I tried to warn by tossing a roof-tile). But, I thought, could a book of Moon-Runes & Luna-Verse indirectly alter the dark course I saw? By planting soft ideas of the Moon’s sanctity into mortal cultures, could I avert the litter & exploitation?

It were not a bad idea, exactly. But, sadly, after I deposited the manuscript with a near-by monastery for duplication & dissemination…they were razed to the ground by Wicingas. I retained only the title page, which ye see reproduced above. I took sorely the loss of the manuscript & my monk-friends, & wrote naught else for a decade.

I recall now, though, one of the riddle-poems I penned, as a naïf. I have translated it here to the modern tongue, which I hope ye may enjoy, as the mortals of the 11th Century were ne’er able:

A twin am I, though dimmer-seeming,
& I observe thee, when thou art dreaming.
But unlike my brother dear,
During his shift I may still appear.

Grey I am, though silver-seeming,
& ye may observe me, when I am a-gleaming.
Mark the marks upon my face,
With which I saved thy little race.

Would ye add to my scars & woe?
Would ye treat me as a foe?
I grant ye sight when ye need it most,
& ask for naught, as I stand my post.

When ye come visit, leave nothing with me.
Let me be, & I still shall love thee.
But should ye press, & should ye strike,
Some-day ye may come to miss my light.

Who am I?

Thank ye for reading! & we humbly thank that growing clan of mortals who can & do support our works here with coin! GRATIAS!

I shall write ye come Wednesday with news of our next episode! Til then: be safe, be well, & please stop littering upon the Moon…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Selenite

A DRAMATIC MESSAGE FROM FED CHAIRMAN SCAR

Good evening, mortals! Thank ye for joining us last night! If ye missed a particularly grim dual-layered monologue—if ye missed our tribute to Dolly Parton—if ye missed a sinister & theatrical warning from Shadowlands Fed Chairman Scar—behold the replay, right here!

Despite the malicious machinations of the Federal Reserve’s network of villains, we did secure many treasures last night! A double-potted rainbow, which we may use to always find each other; two globi cruciger with fresh onion rings; the Yam of Centrality; & of course we snagged Richard Twixon! Our collection grows in number & power, huzzah!

PLUS—as promised, I flogged several InstaGoblins into swiftly editing & publishing a sponsor video from last night! Ye demanded it, & they suffered miserably to please ye. Let their sacrifices not be in vain! Tap thy foot along to Johnny Cash’s “Boy Named Kohl’s,” now on You-Tube & all of our other so-called “social media”:

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I shall write ye Monday with fresh art & a tale. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & start practicing thy yam-farming…

Cheers,
Amœnus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Grotto Enthusiast

Wednesday’s greetings, mortals! This Friday at 8PT, while thy nobles fiddle atop a burning Rome, Summersbane & I shall be a-DELVING JACKSON HOLE! They shall yammer & blab about interest rates & bond yields, whilst we seek the true treasures below, THE FOOLS. Join us for a fiscally irresponsible venture DELVING JACKSON HOLE!

For those who may be unaware—“Jackson Hole” refers to the name of a wondrous valley out in Wyoming, South of Yellowstone, once called “Jackson’s Hole.” In addition to beauteous & only slightly-spoilt nature, the area features an array of resorts for the wealthy, who flock there for skiing, & also for the Federal Reserve Bank of Kansas City’s Economic Symposium. ‘Tis this symposium we shall skulk beneath!

The topic for this year’s is “Financial Innovation: Implications for Payments and Policy.” Of course, “financial innovation” generally means “new ways to steal,” but sadly, they steal in the least exciting ways possible—unlike US!

Some of the speakers ye may hear blathering on during Friday’s escapade include:

• Federal Reserve Chairman Kevin Warsh (pronounced “Wash” West of Appalachia)

• Secretary of the Treasury & Craven Dullard Scott Bessent

• Billionaire & Philosophical Zombie Marc Andreessen

• Billionaire & Ketamine Zombie Elon Musk

• Billionaire & Actual Zombie John D. Rockefeller

• A Bank Chairman Over 80

• A Cryptocurrency Investor Under 30

• Woman (50/50 Chance)

• Sup thy mead each time ye hear “de-dollarization”

• Sup thy last dollar each time ye hear “the economy is strong”

• Jim Cramer (On Someone’s Phone)

• Jarl Trump (On Someone’s Phone)

• Hasan Piker (On Someone’s Phone Right Before They Get Fired)

• Raekwon the Chef (Representing Palantir)

• Chef Gordon Ramsay (Representing Beef Wellington)

• The Hamburglar (Representing Hamburglar Capital Partners)

• A Loose Gibbon (Representing Himself)

• Several Neo-Nazis

• At Least One Classic Nazi

• At Least One Man in a Bow-Tie

• At Most Zero People With Ethics

Thank ye for reading—& thank ye to the growing cadre of generous mortals who can & do support our works here with coin!

I hope ye shall join us Friday for an interest-bearing evening as we go a-DELVING JACKSON HOLE! I shall write ye again Saturday morning, from a mountain of freshly-acquired treasure. ‘Til then—be safe, be well, & mind thy markets…

Cheers,
Amoenus Franco
Wizard, Writer, Series 7 Delver