Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. What the fuck are all the non-cussing newsletters doing these days?

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya? Well you smell terrific, and we’re smitten. Why are we buttering you up? Because you’re hot as hell. Also because we’re gonna make this the last TBS of this week. Sorry. We need a break to catch our breath and get ready for what’s coming. One housekeeping item: We will officially be on Substack next week! You will receive this newsletter the way we normally send it but with a link to the Substack post so that you can get a feel for the platform if you are not already on it. Then starting Tuesday, you will receive emails directly from Substack with the newsletter! Thank you all for your patience with the transition.

We weren’t sure what to make for the last intro and we gave some serious thought to an overwrought and depressing note about how this is the last Fourth of July so party like you mean it. And then we remembered that y’all don’t come here to feel like shit. You come here for cussing, news and MAKING FUN OF DOODIE MOTHERFUCKIN’ POOLIANI!!!

Oh it feels so good. We needed it so bad. There actually is some justice in this world. It’s just served in the smallest fucking shot glass imaginable. Still, we’ll fucking take it. And so will Rudy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! What a fucking loser. Like, it sucks that Trump is flushing America down the shitter. But at least he flushed Rudy first. The humiliation is unending. It’s Rudy’s hell on earth. It’s real-time punishment. He’s Sisyphus pushing a giant goddamn turd up the hill. And it couldn’t happen to a worse person. So enjoy your hell, Doodie. We hope it really sucks. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Also, Steve Bannon is in prison. So that’s two things to laugh about. Cherish them.

Note three: An actual fucking Democrat (well not really) wrote a newspaper op-ed entitled “Donald Trump is going to win. And I’m ok with that.” It’s actually a crazy coincidence. We just wrote an op-ed called “Jared Golden is a spineless treasonous chickenshit who can kiss our asses like he’s kissing Trump’s. And we’re ok with that.” NO LINK BECAUSE FUCK HIM

Note four: Democrat Lloyd Dogget also came out and called for President Biden to resign yesterday. We’re not endorsing the message, but we figured we should include it since it’s news. More: CNN

Note five: Remember yesterday when you thought there was no way you could possibly think any less of RFK Jr.? Well you were wrong.

Note six: Here’s some great news. Team Biden-Harris outraised Team Fuckhead in June. The Good People raised $127 million, and the Bad Person raised $114 million. So that’s something. More: ABC

Note seven: Eric Hovde is a really really bad candidate. Every dang time he opens his mouth, something dumb and offensive comes out. So he’s definitely a Republican. More: Heartland Signal 

Note eight: There’s a report that Joe Manchin was gonna go on the Sunday shows and attack Biden. We’re not sure why this is news. More: HuffPost

Note nine: This is a story about CNN’s ratings being at a 30-year low. Oof. But the crazy part is the story is from Radar. We had no idea. More: Radar Online

Note 10: We realize political reporters aren’t allowed to talk about anything but a debate, but this seems pretty bad and probably worth covering…

Note 11: Some much-needed good news in France as the two opposition parties are coming together to try and block the far right. Fingers and baguettes crossed. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Trump is slowing down his veep announcement because he doesn’t want to step on all the bad for Biden headlines. So that fucking sucks. Guess we’ll just have to wait longer to find out who he’ll try and kill. More: NBC

Note 13: Biden blasted Republicans over their idiotic climate change denial yesterday. That’s what we’re talkin’ about. More: Guardian

Note 14: A lot of folks were talking about and crapping all over this CNN poll. We get it. Polls are garbage. But we also think it’s cool to see VP Harris in a strong position. We’ve been believers she could do the job since Biden put her on the ticket. More: CNN

Note 15: Right-wingers are not ok. We live in a world where saying the dumbest shit imaginable makes you seem smart to some people. What a fucking moron.

Note 16: WaPo reported yesterday that DOJ is planning to go after Trump even after Election Day. Sounds good to us. But still please hurry. More: Washington Post

Note 17: It’s really pretty crazy that the Trump-Epstein shit isn’t a story. What if we tell the press that Biden did it? More: BBC

Note 18: People who don’t love Travic Kelce and Tay Tay must not have hearts. Who doesn’t love love? More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we were gonna wax poetic about the Fourth of July. But instead here’s a story about Ivanka having a sad. We hate her, and her misery makes us smile. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that incredibly petty note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a very happy Fourth of July. And we hope it’s quick and not too bad for everyone’s dogs. Love y’all!

Goddamnit

Well the dominoes from that totally fucked up SCOTUS immunity decision are starting to fall. Yesterday the Manhattan DA and Judge Juan Merchan agreed to delay Trump’s sentencing until September to see if any of the new ruling affects the verdict in his case. It sucks so bad. He was supposed to be sentenced next week. Fuck this fucked up court.

More: NBC

Go Joe!

One thing SCOTUS didn’t totally fuck up for the time being was the case about hospitals being required to save women’s lives if an abortion is what it takes to do it. Yesterday the Biden administration seized on the kinda-sorta ruling by sending a letter to doctors’ groups telling them they have to obey the law and perform abortions to save women’s lives. This is a pretty good reminder that Joe is very different than the woman-hating asshead who ended Roe.

More: AP

What do we think?

The Biden campaign is working overtime to prove that Biden is up to the task, but the media onslaught and worries from a lot of Democrats are relentless. Biden is doing an interview with George Stephanopolous this weekend, and he’s got quite a bit of travel planned. Polls since the debate don’t show a ton of change, but they do show momentum shifting back to Trump. It’s ok to be worried. But we still have to do everything we can to stop those crazy fuckers on the right.

More: AP

Today’s clips

The White House is considering its options for a response to the Supreme Court's blockbuster ruling on immunity that handed Donald Trump a major victory, as President Joe Biden warns that an amoral future president could abuse those powers. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. And there is just way too much shit to cuss about right now.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots. Excuse us for a second, won’t you?

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!! SHIT!!!! GODDAMNIT!!!!! FUCK!!!!!

Sorry. We really needed to get that out. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Ok we needed to get that out too. Been a rough few days, eh? Been kicked in the collective junk a few times? Having trouble catching our breath and seeing a path forward? We hear you. All of it. We feel your fear because we are literally feeling it too. Everything is totally and completely fucked up. So what do we do? Fetal position and endless sobbing in the dark? Check. Now what? Well, duh. We keep fighting.

Yeah, yesterday, when we realized we had stopped breathing and had stared off into the abyss for about an hour, we recognized the despair from an earlier time in this newsletter’s life. It was when Trump was in office. And shit was totally and completely fucked up then too. And every fucking day, it was so easy to just throw up our hands and say well goddamnit this shit is too fucked up to fix. But we didn’t. We fought and we cussed and we fought and we cussed and we took breaks and then we went back to work and we fought and we cussed and we organized and we voted and we just kept going because seriously what the fuck else are we gonna do? Quit? Not in this fucking lifetime. Not to that fucking loser.

So yeah, we got the wind knocked out of us. And it’s scary. Really fucking scary. But we’re not gonna fucking quit because we’re Americans and we’re just too goddamn stubborn to roll over and give up. So fuck Trump. Fuck his fucked up SCOTUS. And fuck all the rest of their bullshit. Let’s just keep fighting and fighting and fighting and go save this fucked up country’s fucking ass again. Because what the fuck else are we gonna do? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: On a serious note, we love y’all very much and we know things are really not ok right now. Please keep your heads up and some hope in your hearts. Whatever you’re feeling, we promise you’re not alone.

Note three: Just remember — Steve Bannon is in prison.

Note four: Good news! Today the chairman of the Fed said inflation is going down! We already knew that, but it’s still nice to hear. Now let’s cut some interest rates! More: CNBC

Note five: Can’t believe Hunter Biden made them do this corrupt shit.

Note six: Team Biden-Harris just had their best fundraising month of the cycle, bringing in $127 million in June and $264 million for the quarter. According to MSNBC’s Kyle Griffin, they brought in $38 million in the four days after the debate. More: AP

Note seven: Yikes. Republicans put some asshole on their platform committee who wants to jail women for abortions and make 10-year-old rape victims give birth. Where do they find these fucking creeps? More: CNN

Note eight: Trump canceled an interview with a military reporter after his campaign wanted to know what questions would be asked. What a tough guy. More: Mediaite

Note nine: Just remember — Steve Bannon is in prison.

Note 10: We don’t know what any of this means and we’re afraid to look it up.

Note 11: We could’ve done without that US men’s soccer team loss last night. Felt like the cherry on top of an America-is-dead sundae. More: ESPN

Note 12: We really really really hate Mike Johnson. Dude should just fuck off and go watch porn with his son. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Want to read something really scary? More: Axios

Note 14: Just remember — Steve Bannon is in prison.

Note 15: This motherfucker…

Note 16: If you want to watch a cute movie, check out Summer Camp. We think it’s pretty good, but that might just be our crush on Diane Keaton talking.

Note 17: Red Lobster and Flavor Flav? We are very much here for this combo. More: KTLA

Note 18: Hunter Biden is suing Fox. Go git ‘em. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to give y’all a hug. We could all use it, right? So consider this note a hug from your favorite cussing newsletter. Feels good, don’t it?

Note 20: And on that warm and fuzzy note, let’s go do some news! Hang in there, SPs. SCOTUS doesn’t get the final word in this country. We do. And we’ve just begun to cuss. Love y’all!

Wow

So we knew RFK Jr. is a piece of shit. It’s been obvious for a while. But we didn’t know he was an eat-barbecued-dog piece of shit. Yeah, that’s a real thing. And there’s a picture. Vanity Fair has a new piece out today about just what a wretched human being the brain worm guy really is. Including a new charge of sexual assault. What an asshole.

More: Vanity Fair

FUCK!!!

No surprise but Trump was thrilled with SCOTUS’s decision to make him a king. Trump took to Truth Social to boast about the decision and thank his corrupt court, and then his lawyers went to work trying to have the New York verdict thrown out and delay his July 11 sentencing. This sucks so fucking much.

More: NBC

Thank you, Mr. President

We’ll be honest — we were pretty worried yesterday that the president wasn’t going to speak on the SCOTUS decision. So we were pretty relieved when he came out last night and excoriated the court for trying to make him a king. Joe was quite clear that he doesn’t want that much power, and that seems pretty fucking presidential to us.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Hurricane Beryl strengthened to Category 5 status late Monday after it ripped doors, windows and roofs off homes across the southeastern Caribbean with devastating winds and storm surge fueled by the Atlantic’s record warmth. More: HuffPost

The Supreme Court on Tuesday gave two men charged with offenses related to the Jan. 6, 2021, assault on the U.S. Capitol another chance to argue that they cannot face an obstruction charge in cases affected by a recent ruling by the justices. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It has really come in handy the last few days.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! How was your weekend? Filled with arguments and freaking the fuck out? Yeah, we hear that. Shit is pretty fucked up. And if you’re turning to us for wisdom, well, you’re gonna be pretty disappointed. We’ve thought about it and we came up with this — we’re rockin’ with the Democratic nominee. If that’s Biden, then that’s how we’re ridin’. If it’s someone else, then we’ll back them too. Because we want to beat Trump, and that’s our focus. Plus, we like Joe. He’s been an awesome president. Like super duper awesome.

But we get that there are about a billion different opinions right now. And we’d like to humbly ask y’all to not turn on each other and to instead respect what each other are saying and then remember to turn on Trump voters. They’re the real scumbags here. Not us. And really, we’re all coming to this from a similar place. If people are freaked out because they don’t think Joe is up for this, then they’re freaked out because they love American democracy and they don’t want Trump trashing it. And if people are freaked out because people are criticizing Biden instead of backing him, then those people are freaked out because they love American democracy and they don’t want Trump trashing it. Our sexy hearts are all in the right place.

So take a deep breath, SPs. Be nice to each other. Remember that the person you’re arguing with is scared shitless, hates Trump and loves America. Our unity is our strength. That and not being total fuckheads. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This SCOTUS decision is bad, y’all. Real bad.

Note three: We’re so fucking excited to get to the part about Steve Bannon. LOLOL!!!!!!

Note four: The New York Times editorial board called for Biden to drop out. Fucking assholes. NO LINK

Note five: The Philadelphia Inquirer called for Trump to drop out. Now that’s some journalism!

Note six: The Atlanta Journal-Constitution called for Biden to drop out too. It’s not ideal. But seriously where the hell were these people when a judge declared Trump a rapist, when he was convicted of 34 felony counts and when he did all the other awful shit he does every damn day?

Note seven: Trump, Lindsey Graham and Elon Musk have all praised CNN’s debate moderators. So great job, Jake and Dana.

Note eight: Most days we forget that Ron DeShithead exists. Those are good days. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Lindsey is now in favor of Trump going after his political opponents. Remember when that little shit tried to throw out thousands of Black votes in Georgia and got a pass for it? More: New Republic

Note 10: The Biden camp dropped this new ad today. If you’re nervous about his debate performance, does this make you feel better?

Note 11: The extreme right had a great weekend in France. So that ain’t good. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Here is some much-needed good news — abortion will be on the ballot in Nevada this November. But remember, abortion will be on the ballot everywhere this November. More: NBC

Note 13: While we were waiting for the SCOTUS scum to rule on immunity this morning, they went ahead and finished off the federal government. So that sucks. More: CNN

Note 14: Hey btw, we’re taking off the Fourth of July. We figure it might be the last one, so we really want to celebrate.

Note 15: A GIANT thank you to actor Taraji P. Henson for warning Americans about what’s coming. Also, congrats to all the winners at last night’s BET awards.

Note 16: Marjorie Taylor Greene was outside Bannon’s prison this morning. And we think that’s just hilarious.

Note 17: If you missed it, Dark Brandon teamed up with Elton John on Friday. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Hurricane Beryl is pretty scary. We should probably take climate change more seriously. Or we should if our corrupt and broken SCOTUS would let us. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we use the word Fox and not in a bad way. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael J. Fox. (Getting real dusty in here)

Note 20: And here’s a bonus Happy Ending because we all need it. Simone Biles, y’all. More: Yahoo

Note 21: And on those inspirational notes, let’s go do some news! We know everything is scary and fucked up and horrible right now. But at least we’ve got each other. And cuss words. Sweet, sweet cuss words. Hang in there, everybody. Love y’all!

Family meeting

So while America was discussing the debate this weekend, the Biden family was too. Biden and his fam met at Camp David and came away blaming the president’s advisers for the disastrous debate performance and determined to forge ahead. Biden’s team was doing an heavy PR push over the weekend to reassure nervous Democrats and donors. Will it work? Only time will tell.

More: CNN

So fucked up

Well it was worse than we thought. Today the Supreme Court ruled that Trump has “absolute immunity” for official acts he committed while he was president. And then they said the lower courts have to have more hearings about what an official act is. Oh and they said that any conversations Trump had with his staff and advisers are off-limits. So yeah, they just gave that sick fuck everything he asked for and ensured that he will be totally above the law if he wins in November. This is so fucked up. We can’t think of anything good to say. We’re horrified.

More: HuffPost

On a lighter note

We saved this one for last because goddamnit we really need it. Steve Bannon is going to prison today. His inmate number is 05635-509. You know who doesn’t have an inmate number? Joe Biden. Anyway, we hope Bannon has a miserable time rotting in jail. And then we hope he fucks off, eats shit and goes to hell.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

The monthlong celebration of LGBTQ Pride reaches its exuberant grand finale on Sunday, bringing rainbow-laden revelers to the streets for marquee parades in New York, Chicago, San Francisco and elsewhere across the globe. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. You know why. 

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! We’ll talk about that fucked up shitshow in a minute. But first we want to talk about this…

Uh-oh! Trouble in Trumpville? Is it possible that the totally bullshit marriage that he has repeatedly cheated on is in jeopardy? Who woulda thunk it? Oh right. Everybody. Anyway, we wanted to know what was going on so we interviewed Melania…

Sorry, y’all. We just couldn’t resist. Can you imagine the media firestorm if either Jill Biden or Michelle Obama skipped a debate? Exactly. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Y’all doing ok? We know people are stressing. We are too. Take a deep breath. We love you, and no matter what happens, we’re in this fight together. 

Note three: True story — RFK Jr. did a thing last night on twitter where he pretended to be a part of the debate. We assume the brain worm was there too. More: AP

Note four: It was pretty satisfying seeing Biden call out Trump for E. Jean Carroll and Stormy Daniels. 

Note five: Yeah, we think the moderators suck…

Note six: Iowa’s Supreme Court just upheld the state’s six-week abortion ban. Trump said last night that’s a great thing. Maybe that’s what we should all focus on. More: KCCI

Note seven: The U.S. Supreme Court said it’s ok to make it illegal to be homeless. The decision is so sick and so cruel that Justice Sotomayor again read her dissent from the bench. More: AP

Note eight: What the fuck is a “black job?” More: HuffPost

Note nine: We thought VP Harris nailed it last night. Anderson Cooper not so much. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Just gonna put this right here…

Note 11: This a shameless self plug, but Sam did a story on the L.A. Sparks’ Cameron Brink and here it is… More: LA Mag

Note 12: There’s a report going around that Michelle Obama isn’t campaigning for Biden because she’s pissed about how they treated her friend who got divorced from Hunter. Does that sound plausible to y’all? More: Axios

Note 13: Aileen Cannon is really the fucking worst. It’s gonna suck so bad when she’s on the Supreme Court. More: CNN

Note 14: Oklahoma is going to require the bible be taught in schools. Something to think about the next time you’re considering hiring someone from Oklahoma. More: CNN

Note 15: We’re just gonna put this right here too…

Note 16: It’s Elon’s birthday. We hope he eats a big bowl of shit.

Note 17: Speaking of Elon, he almost killed Aaron Rogers’ favorite receiver. More: Independent

Note 18: North Carolina is keeping RFK and Cornel West off the ballot for now. We think this is a good call. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we got nuthin’. Sorry. 

Note 20: And on that bleak note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are keeping your heads up today. We are. Mostly because we’re super pissed off and determined to save this fucked up country. Everybody be cool this weekend. Love y’all!

Go, Mary

First, the good news out of Atlanta. Our dear friend and fellow freedom fighter Mary Trump was announced as one of four surrogates for the Biden campaign last night in the spin room. Mary stepped up big time, doing interviews and enduring the insanity of the media spin room, and we just wanted to give her a big special shout out today for putting herself out there so that every American knows just exactly what a piece of shit her uncle is. Thanks, Mary!

More: Axios

As bad as we feared

Our corrupt and broken SCOTUS added injury to injury today. First, they make it illegal to be homeless. Then they gutted the federal executive branch to put themselves in charge of policy by overturning the landmark Chevron ruling. And then those dirty fuckers sided with a piece of shit Jan. 6 scumbag and said the DOJ went too far in charging him with obstructing an official proceeding. And yeah, Trump has been charged with that too. So our broken and corrupt and cruel and twisted fucking court is exactly who we thought they were. Fuck.

More: NBC, CNN

So…

Ya know, one of the things that makes us different than Trump voters is we’re not in a fucking cult. Also, we probably smell better on average. But because we’re not in a cult, we tend to favor the truth over self-soothing bullshit. So here’s the truth — Donald Trump is a dirty fucking liar, and just about everything he said last night was bullshit. Also, it was not a good night for Joe Biden, Democrats or democracy. We needed Dark Brandon’s fast ball and we didn’t get it. Trump lied all goddamn night long but he was on the attack while he did. We’re not panicking. We’re not losing our shit. We’re not suggesting anything. We’re just saying it was not a great night. We don’t know what happens next, but we do know as long as Biden is our nominee, then that’s who we’re supporting. Period. 

Today’s clips

American retailer Tractor Supply Company has eliminated its diversity, equity and inclusion roles and goals following weeks of conservative criticism online. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Trump needs to stop fucking talking about Tay-Tay.

Note: Hello, Sexy Patriots, and welcome to crazy insane shit-pants day. How are we feeling? Yeah, us too. We should just sit on a giant sponge our asses are sweating so much. But hey, at least we’re cheering for the good guy, right? Like tonight on that debate stage, we’ll be rooting for the guy who likes America and democracy and not the guy who attacked the Capitol and farted his way to 34 felony convictions.

Speaking of the orange wind, we realized we haven’t done a fake interview in quite some time. And since this is the only debate prep story we haven’t seen anywhere, here now is an interview with Stanko the Trump Fart…

Ok, so the president’s got his work cut out for him tonight. But you know what? We believe in Joe. Go git ‘em, Mr. President! And watch out for Stanko the Trump Fart! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Ugh. This is so fucking gross. Can we get a gag order on him talking about Tay-Tay?

Note three: We didn’t really go into this yesterday but the bribed assholes on the Supreme Court said it’s ok to bribe assholes. More: AP

Note four: Republican Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp went on CNN last night before the debate in Atlanta and said he didn’t vote for Trump. Hilarious. More: CNN

Note five: Ahead of tonight’s debate, the Biden camp is trying to remind Americans that Trump attacked the US Capitol. What kind of dumbshit country needs to be reminded of that? More: HuffPost

Note six: God this is brutal. She sold out her country and her self-respect to kiss his ass, and this is how she gets repaid. This is why it doesn’t pay to be human garbage, Elise.

Note seven: Our broken and corrupt Supreme Court ruled today that government agencies like the SEC, the FCC, the FTC and the NLRB can’t really enforce government regulations against companies that break the law. So congrats to Elon and the other billionaires on never being held accountable again. Justice Sotomayor is so pissed she’s reading her dissent from the bench this morning. More: AP

Note eight: The Supreme Court ruled that the opioid-peddling Sackler family can’t escape by declaring bankruptcy. Good. More: AP

Note nine: The court did rule in favor of air pollution. No, seriously. Good news for Stanko. More: NBC

Note 10: Those assholes once again delayed Trump’s bullshit immunity decision. It looks like they could even push it to next week. Fucking absurd.

Note 11: Goddamn this is embarrassing. RFK Jr. is the human form of what the kids are calling cringe.

Note 12: Steve Bannon should be going to prison in the next few days. But we’re all waiting to see if the traitors in the House and the traitors on the Supreme Court will do him a solid. More: Axios

Note 13: Shohei Ohtani is just ridiculous. Best baseball player ever? More: LA Mag

Note 14: Yesterday, the New York Times dropped a poll showing Biden losing. But Marquette released a poll showing Biden winning Wisconsin. We’re going with the latter. NO LINK BECAUSE WE SHOULD IGNORE POLLS

Note 15: Marjorie Taylor Greene went on Australian television. She did not make us proud. More: HuffPost

Note 16: In all the post-primary excitement, we forgot to tell y’all that this deranged piece of shit lost.

Note 17: That stolen valor asshole appears to have stopped stealing valor. All it took was a shitload of shaming. More: The Hill

Note 18: So what are y’all doing for the debate tonight? Aside from totally not freaking out.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, PANDAS!!! More: NBC

Note 20: And on that fucking adorable note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are ready for tonight. We sure hope Joe kicks some ass. And we sure hope Trump is Trump. Regardless, we’ll be back here with you to cuss about it tomorrow. Love y’all!

Yay?

So SCOTUS doesn’t want us to think of them as the assholes who kill women. So they’re taking a little break. In a decision that leaked yesterday, the court ruled that it should not have gotten involved in Idaho’s total abortion ban, punting a real decision until after the election. But the silver lining is that for now the court says that Idaho has to perform an abortion if it will save the life of the mother. We’re sure Idaho is pretty pissed off about that. Fucking psychos.

More: NBC

We see them

It turns out that we’re not the only ones who see what a corrupt partisan bullshit court there is. A new AP poll out this morning found that seven in 10 Americans believe the court makes its ruling based on ideology and not impartiality. Yeah no shit. It really is astonishing how much this SCOTUS has just shat all over its legitimacy. And it’s truly chilling how little they seem to care.

More: ABC

LET’S FUCKING GO

Tonight. It is on in Atlanta, y’all. We’ll be watching and we know you will be too. Let’s hope Trump doesn’t show up with a deadly virus and try to kill Biden. Again. And let’s hope Biden tells Trump to shut up. Again. And let’s hope Jake Tapper and Dana Bash are up for this shit.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Unprecedented ocean heat has triggered the world’s worst mass coral bleaching event on record – a coral massacre so severe, reef experts are looking to one of nature’s most dangerous and destructive forces to provide relief: hurricanes. More: CNN

Alex Morgan, who won two World Cups and an Olympic gold medal as an iconic member of the U.S. women’s soccer team dynasty, was left off the Paris Olympics roster announced Wednesday. More: HuffPost

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. It comes in handy when some human garbage wins her primary in Colorado.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’ve got some bad news. Hey, TBS, you’re so good looking and you always have bad news! Well, we can’t argue with you there. But this one kinda pissed us off. By now you’ve probably seen that Lauren Boebert won her primary. That’s right. The semiliterate dipshit who gave her boyfriend a low five in a crowded theater and then switched districts actually fucking won. And really, what else do you need to know about the Republican Party these days? But there is a silver lining here.

We get to beat her.

That’s right. Republicans are too gross and broken to do the right thing and take out that trash. So we’re gonna have to do it for them. Sound like a plan? Ok cool. Shake on it? LOL. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Good news, everybody. The relentless smear campaign accusing the president of the United States of being on drugs was just a big joke. How Christian.

Note three: Speaking of the asshead Speaker of the House, he and his corrupt friends are making a desperate last-ditch effort to keep Steve Bannon out of jail. We are so sick of this shit. More: Yahoo

Note four: Jamaal Bowman lost his primary last night too. And to be honest, we’re fine with it. Nobody can say and do that much dumb shit and expect to win. At least not in our party. More: CNN

Note five: The miserable scum who called for Pride flags to be burned lost his primary. We hope he spends today eating shit and thinking about why everyone hates him. More: HuffPost

Note six: Can you imagine how the press would be howling if Joe Biden was conspiring with the Russian president to keep an American journalist imprisoned on bullshit espionage charges unless he wins the election?

Note seven: A former North Dakota state senator is pleading guilty to traveling overseas to have sex with minors. And he’s not a drag queen. Just another Republican scumbag. More: AP

Note eight: The Supreme Court once again punted on Trump’s immunity claims. So yeah, they’re waiting until the last possible minute. Fuckers. Maybe tomorrow.

Note nine: The court did say it was ok for the Biden team to work with social media companies to try and limit misinformation. Must suck for the Twitter Files idiots. More: NBC

Note 10: Can y’all fucking believe there’s a presidential debate tomorrow night?

Note 11: Why can’t Republicans find like normal human beings to run for the Senate?

Note 12: RFK Jr. is planning his own debate. It’ll just be him and the 40 super fucking crazy voices in his head. More: NPR

Note 13: The Bob’s Burgers asshole who attacked our Capitol is going to plead guilty. It sucks how many of our favorite shows this guy shows up in. Hell, he was on Mr. Show! More: Deadline

Note 14: Some scummy Trump judges have again stopped Biden from canceling student loans. This is so fucked up. So Trump might be able to murder people, but Biden can’t forgive debt. Make it make sense. More: CNBC

Note 15: Ugh. There’s a new Mitt Romney. We didn’t even like the old one. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Ok this is pretty hilarious…

Note 17: Wow. The Oklahoma Supreme Court has gone woke. Or just not entirely stupid. More: CNN

Note 18: Remember Ed Henry? Of course you don’t. He’s one of the guys who got fired from Fox News for being a sexual predator only to resurface in Trumpland media as a hero. Well, you won’t believe this, but he’s in trouble for being a piece of shit again. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to draw your attention to President Biden’s plan today to pardon LGBTQ+ military veterans who were convicted on a military law that banned gay sex. Biden is a good man, and we are happy to see this. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that tear-jerking note, let’s go do some news! We wish y’all could see the steam coming out of our ears over this Supreme Court bullshit. It’s so fucking obvious what they’re doing. Goddamnit. Love y’all!

Another Cool Adam

There are a lot of Republicans who don’t like Trump. Or at least like three of them. And one of those endorsed Joe Biden this morning. Adam Kinzinger, who basically lost his career for saying Trump shouldn’t attack the U.S. Capitol and injure a bunch of cops, threw his support behind Biden this morning. We’re not sure this moves the needle, but we’re happy to see it. We always thought Kinzinger was sort of an asshole, but we have to give credit where it’s due and thank him for standing up for what’s right.

More: HuffPost

LOLOL

You know how the media treats Trump like some kind of unstoppable king? Well his actual record is pretty shitty. And last night it got shittier. Three of Trump’s endorsed candidates lost their primaries last night as GOP primary voters opted for non-crazy non-dickhead candidates. The new Mitt beat Trump’s candidate in Utah, and that bigoted homophobic shithead in Colorado was his too. Oh well. At least he gets to keep Bobo.

More: Politico

Listen to them

So Republicans are coming for IVF. They can lie about it all day long, but we know the truth. And one fuckhead GOPer just came right out and made it clear. U.S. Rep. Matt Rosendale is planning to file an amendment to the Defense funding bill that would ban funding for the use of IVF. He calls the practice “morally wrong.” So this is who they are. Who are we? And why the effing fuck isn’t this bigger news?!

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

The seven-day average of migrant apprehensions has dropped more than 40% to less than 2,400 encounters per day since President Joe Biden’s executive action barring asylum at the US southern border went into effect about three weeks ago, the Department of Homeland Security said. More: CNN

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. Today it’s cussing about the gullible assheads in the media.

Note: Hey, Sexy Patriots! Did you hear the news about Ronny Jackson? Oh right. We should probably be more specific. No, we don’t mean the news about him handing out pills while he was the White House physician. No, we don’t mean the news about him being demoted from admiral to captain after the Navy found that he drank on the job, screamed at people who worked for him and “acted inappropriately.” No, we don’t mean the ethics investigation into Jackson we learned about yesterday. And no, we don’t mean the thing about him having to change his name to Ronny Johnson because that’s what Trump thinks it is.

We’re talking about this stupid fucking shit…

You first, Johnson. Goddamn that’s infuriating, ain’t it? Look, we’re used to stupid, offensive and anti-American horseshit streaming out of this fuck up’s mouth. But we simply cannot believe the several mainstream news outlets who were happy to repeat this stupid shit. If you’re still willing to quote a fraud, a quack and a nutjob like Ronny J., then who is off limits? Anyone? Anyway, fuck Ronny, fuck anyone who repeated his garbage and motherfuck his daddy Trump. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Here’s some journalism that doesn’t suck and it came from Axios. Yeah, we’re shocked too. But it’s about how Trump ran up twice the debt Biden has. More: Axios

Note three: It’s honestly terrifying how open Trump and his friends are about what they’re planning for a second term. We’re freaked out about it. Why the hell isn’t everyone else? More: HuffPost

Note four: We wanted to share this encouraging interview with Biden campaign chair Jen O’Malley Dillon. It’s behind a paywall, but there is a way to unlock one article for free. More: Puck

Note five: We don’t even know why we’re sharing this. Melania is trash, and no one should buy the bullshit that she’s some kind of hostage. She ain’t going back to the White House? Cool. Donnie ain’t either.

Note six: So we let Assange go. Ok. Good thing we did it just in time for him to fuck with our next election. Argh!!!!!!! More: NBC

Note seven: Did y’all see Alanis Morisette rock two different national anthems last night before Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals? You oughta know she crushed them both.

Note eight: We won’t talk about who actually won the Stanley Cup.

Note nine: The Supreme Court is still fucking with us. We were anticipating the immunity ruling on Wednesday, and then they added decision days on Thursday and Friday. Fucking assholes.

Note 10: So things continue to be totes normal and cool with Trump’s supporters in Maricopa County…

Note 11: Economists are warning that Trump’s policies will set off an inflation bomb. We just won’t notice because he’s going to blow up everything else too. More: Axios

Note 12: And this is wild but Trump’s economic policies are so fucking insane that even the Fortune 100 CEOs aren’t backing him. More: Axios

Note 13: If there’s a primary in your state today, please go vote. That includes you, New York!

Note 14: We don’t have the words to describe how much we hate corrupt “Judge” Aileen Cannon. More: NBC

Note 15: LOL! No wonder he’s so afraid of Jake Tapper…

Note 16: Apparently the Kremlin’s nickname for Trump is “American Gorbachev.” They don’t mean it as a compliment. More: Vanity Fair

Note 17: It looks like one of the Freedom Caucus assholes lost his primary, and his colleagues are mad he won’t accept the results. Sucks, don’t it? More: Axios

Note 18: Yesterday, on the two-year anniversary of Dobbs, Sam talked to the head of Planned Parenthood L.A. about just how much worse things can get. More: LA Mag

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to wish a Happy Birthday to Justice Sonia Sotomayor! We have a few ideas for things she can wish for when she blows out the candles.

Note 20: And on that celebratory note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a great week so far. And we hope even more that reporters stop mindlessly repeating Ronny Johnson’s stupid shit. Love y’all!

Bye-bye, dickhead

Alex Jones’ Infowars is no more. It’s being liquidated and sold off for parts because Jones is the scum of the Earth who got sued and lost to the families of Sandy Hook victims. It couldn’t have happened to a bigger piece of shit. We talk a lot about how Republicans have lost their way, but really there is no bigger proof of their scumfuckery than this asshole. Seriously how deranged and broken does someone have to be to torture the parents of school shooting victims? Anway, fuck you, Alex. We hope this hurts.

More: AP

Take it off!

U.S. Rep. Troy Nehls is one of the biggest Trump kiss-asses in the House. He’s also a fucking liar who’s been pretending to be a hero. Nehls wears a pin on his suit jacket that says he’s an Army infantryman who came under fire. Except none of that is the case. The Army confirmed it yesterday. What a despicable piece of shit. The exact kind of person you’d expect to be hanging around Trump’s ass.

More: HuffPost

Trigger warning

We’re putting the jokes aside for a second. Yesterday we found out that the infant mortality rate in Texas is up 8 percent since the state banned abortion. 8 fucking percent. So basically mothers are being forced to carry to term pregnancies with abnormalities and then the babies die. It’s so fucked up and so fucking evil it makes us want to break something. Surely this is a bigger goddamn story than Joe Biden’s age, right?

More: AP

Today’s clips

Rivers will continue to surge and more storms could be on the way across the Midwest on Tuesday, as well as dangerously high temperatures, as the region reels from severe flood damage and widespread disruption. More: NBC

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) shared a searing assessment of what she thinks is in the cards for Donald Trump this election year, saying he will be an “indicted, impeached, convicted loser again.” More: HuffPost

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And it’s probably gonna use a shitload of it this week.

Note: Hello, Sexy Patriots, and welcome to fucknuts week. Shit is about to get crazy, so buckle up. But before we get into the crazy, we wanted to take a second to note the fall of Roe, which happened today two years ago. Well actually, it didn’t just happen. Some corrupt fuckhead religious nuts are responsible for stripping basic human rights away from millions of women, and Donald Trump is the sick twisted piece of shit motherfucker who put them in a position to do it.

Since then, we have heard countless horror stories about American women and girls having to flee their states to get healthcare or be left to die. And those are just the stories we hear about. It breaks your heart and boils your blood to think of all the women and girls out there who have been forced to give birth by the Republican Party. It’s sick, it’s not the kind of country we live in and it’s just the beginning if those limp-dick fuckers get their way.

So today, let us remember what they have taken from us, who they are and that they won’t stop unless we stop them. Two years ago we got a painful lesson in what happens when we lose an election to Trump. Let’s not make that mistake again. Y’all have a blessed and angry day.

Note two: While we’re on the topic — fuck Neil Gorsuch, fuck John Roberts, fuck Amy Coney Barrett, fuck Brett Kavanaugh, fuck Clarence Thomas and fuck Sam Alito. We hope they all eat shit and then kiss our asses in hell.

Note three: Oh just some normal fucked up horrible Trump shit…

Note four: Remember when we were told Biden was gonna lose the youth vote? More: The Hill

Note five: The president of the Teamsters is speaking at the RNC. If the Teamsters can’t tell the difference between the most pro-union president of all-time and someone who spent his whole miserable life fucking over workers, then fuck them. More: New Republic

Note six: Krisi Noem said she hasn’t been vetted to be Trump’s running mate. Let’s all pray she doesn’t kill a puppy over it. More: The Hill

Note seven: We are not ever gonna be sick of Taylor and Travis. Fuck the haters. More: HuffPost

Note eight: Trump wants migrants to fight each other for our entertainment? What a totally normal non-psycho idea!

Note nine: We want to make sure you see VP Harris’s thoughts on Dobbs on this shit anniversary. More: NBC

Note 10: Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear is really fueling the 2028 speculation and we are here for it. Go Andy! More: WSJ

Note 11: After listening to all these Republicans call for Biden to take a drug test, we have finally decided they’re right. Biden should piss in a cup. And then wait a minute until Trump’s lunatic ass drinks it.

Note 12: Wanna get excited? Lauren Boebet could lose her primary tomorrow. Fingers crossed! And hands to yourselves! More: Independent

Note 13: HUGE congratulations to Sha’Carri Richardson who is going to the Olympics! More: CNN

Note 14: Mike Flynn isn’t just a traitor. He’s also a thief and a cheap con artist. More: RawStory

Note 15: Trump very clearly just read the 10 Commandments for the first time ever. More: Independent

Note 16: Yesterday was Clarence Thomas’s birthday. We hope it sucked.

Note 17: Trump bragged this weekend about how much he loves Cornel West and Jill Stein because they take “100 percent from them.” More: Newsweek

Note 18: Holy shit! Wonder Woman Lynda Carter is campaigning for Biden. We got this, y’all. More: Fox 29

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Politico who actually managed to write an accurate headline for once. “Trump keeps flip-flopping his policy positions after meeting with rich people.” Thank you! Was that so fucking hard?! More: Politico

Note 20: And on that refreshing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all got some rest this weekend because this week is gonna be nuts. And we’ll be here with you for every fucked up second of it. Love y’all!

Cruel

Today the Supreme Court decided to take up a ban on healthcare for trans kids. Now we know this issue ain’t cut and dry, and we’re not gonna tell you what to believe. What we are gonna say is that anyone or anything that pushes some poor trans kid to feel unloved or harm themselves is fucking evil. And we’re going to put SCOTUS in that category.

More: HuffPost

And…

It’s not like those twisted fuckers don’t have other things to do. They’ve been sitting on the Trump bullshit immunity case for like 200 goddamn days. But we should find out on Wednesday just how fucked up things really are. That’s when we’re expecting decisions in the two big Jan. 6 cases they’ve been holding onto. Like we said, it’s gonna be a crazy week. More: AP

Let’s go!!!

And the day after we find out if presidents are actually kings, it’s gonna be hot in Atlanta. That’s where Joe Biden and Trump will face off in the first of two scheduled debates. If it feels like there’s a lot riding on this, it’s because there is. We have faith in Joe, but we’re still already so fucking nervous that we’re gonna need a whole lot of clean underwear this week.

More: Yahoo

Today’s clips

Two years after the Supreme Court's decision to overturn Roe v. Wade forced abortion-rights advocates to rethink their messaging, Democrats are leaning into the issue, hoping to sway enough swing voters to propel President Joe Biden to a second term. More: NBC

The Biden campaign is blasting former President Donald Trump over abortion rights in a new TV ad coinciding with the two-year anniversary of the Supreme Court’s decision overturning Roe v. Wade and days ahead of the first presidential debate. More: CNN

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it invested its life savings in Trump Media.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, for the past several years, we have assumed that literally no one on the planet could exceed Donald Trump’s ability to be both terrifying and utterly laughably ridiculous at the same time. And while we still believe that, we are ready to give the silver medal to one of the dumbest craziest sonsofbitches to ever run a shit presidential campaign…

LOLOL! Watch out, Jake and Dana! The fucked up thing is we don’t even want to defend those two. But seeing Brain Worm Bobby’s immediate response to being kept out of a debate is to jail the moderators just really drives home what an unbelievably deranged fucknut this idiot really is.

In fact, we are now ready to project that RFK Jr. is the new Doodie Pooliani. That’s right. You know we don’t make that proclamation lightly. But when you see someone this fucking dumb and this fucking insistent on being a national punchline, then you know it’s only a matter of time before he’s handing out at Four Seasons Lanscaping and shitting out of his face.

So now, the brain worm guy ain’t gonna be a president. But congrats on being the new Rudy. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: It’s hard to describe how much we hate this openly corrupt Supreme Court. Fuckers.

Note three: Y’all, Trump’s billionaire buddies and his conviction have helped him take the fundraising lead over Biden-Harris. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised, but we sure are disgusted. One thing to watch though — for some reason the Trump campaign is refusing to release its cash-on-hand numbers. Hmmmm. More: CNN

Note four: One of the super crooked assholes who was getting ready to ruin the Washington Post has decided to skip it. Yay! More: CNN

Note five: This might be our most important post of the day. Please take a few minutes to listen to Mr. October Reggie Jackson talk about the racism he endured as a young baseball player.

Note six: Goddamnit. RIP to Donald Sutherland. Our personal favorites? Animal House and Backdraft. More: LA Mag

Note seven: Republicans are really fucked up people. Have you seen this crazy story about the Michigan state Rep. who was arrested for chasing a stripper with a gun?! More: AP

Note eight: Trump is now calling Biden “a worthy debater.” Orangey seems scared shitless. More: ABC

Note nine: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Steve Bannon’s appeal was denied yesterday. He’s supposed to report to jail on July 1. Now we just wait to see if our broken SCOTUS bails him out. More: NBC

Note 10: Want to throw up while laughing? Of course you do. Well here goes — George Santos is doing an Only Fans page. Yiiiiiiiiikes.

Note 11: Economists are now predicting that if Trump wins, he will make inflation worse. But let’s be honest — he’ll make everything worse. More: Yahoo Finance

Note 12: Trump says he loves the 10 Commandments. So that’s another thing he clearly ain’t ever read. More: Mediaite

Note 13: Nicole Shanahan is the new Palin. And honestly, she might have work to do to get to Palin levels of competency. More: Daily Beast

Note 14: We want to take a second to say a big thank you to Michael Bloomberg for doing what he can to help Biden win. He might be the only non-fuckhead billionaire there is. More: CNN

Note 15: It’s gonna be so funny if Trump picks a running mate who is a totally made up rich white dude.

Note 16: Remember the piece of shit consultant who did those fake robocalls telling New Hampshire voters to stay home? Well he then went on to work for Jill Stein. Makes you wonder who he’s really working for. More: Business Insider

Note 17: Sam saw the new Beverly Hills Cop movie last night, and it is freaking awesome. Coming soon to Netflix!

Note 18: Lauren Boebert thinks we need better morals. We know you probably stopped reading after “Lauren Boeber thinks.” But still, give her a hand. No! Not like that! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to Melina French Gates who just endorsed Biden, her first endorsement ever. As Kathy Griffin said yesterday, don’t be a Bill. Be a Melinda. More: CNBC

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great week, and we just know you’re going to have an awesome weekend. But please stay cool out there. Love y’all!

LOL

It’s a good thing the billionaires are bailing out Trump’s presidential campaign because his latest business venture is sucking ass. Just like all his old business ventures. Yeah, Trump Media stock has dropped 50 percent since dipshit’s conviction, and it’s not like it was setting the world on fire before that. So what have we learned here? Well, for starters, don’t hire Devin Nunes for a goddamn thing.

More: QZ

Come on, Aileen

Judge Cannon is a fucking joke. And also probably a national security threat. Today she is holding a lengthy hearing about whether Jack Smith was lawfully appointed. So she’s clearly taking the stealing of our national secrets very seriously. But we learned yesterday from the New York Times that when Cannon got the case, two senior judges told her she should probably give it up. She refused. It’s not hard to see why.

More: NY Times

Seriously?

Speaking of hacky corrupt piece of shit judges, the Supreme Court once again did not issue a ruling on Trump’s bullshit immunity claims today. They added a decision release date to next Wednesday, but at this point it’s pretty fucking obvious to everyone that they have delayed this as long as possible to help their buddy Trump. There was some good news from the court this morning as the court upheld the Biden administration’s move to keep guns out of the hands of domestic abusers. It was an 8-1 decision. Clarence Thomas dissented. Shocking, right?

Today’s clips

A key U.S. ally fired warning shots Friday — live ones to repel North Korean soldiers and a diplomatic volley to counter Russian President Vladimir Putin, as tensions rise after his new mutual defense pact with Kim Jong Un. More: NBC

The Democratic National Committee plans to target former President Donald Trump with billboards and posters in Philadelphia this weekend, including around and potentially inside the arena where he is set to rally supporters. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it woke up thinking it was Saturday.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We hope y’all had a Happy Juneteenth. We had a nice barbeque. And then we did all the drugs that Fox News says Joe Biden is on and we partied like some real fucking rock stars. We’re kidding of course. We are way too old and boring for that shit. But we’re serious that Fox and the other dumbshits are claiming Biden will be on drugs at next week’s debate. Some are even saying Trump shouldn’t show because of it.

Y’all, we’re pretty used to mindblowingly idiotic assheadery from Fox News and their friends. But even for them this is pretty fucking stupid. Joe Biden is taking performance enhancing drugs? LOLOL!!! Ok let’s imagine what that looks like. Imagine this sped up times 10…

Hey folks, how are ya? Yeah, well God love ya’! That’s what my mom would say1 And that’s not hyperbole! No, I’m serious! No, I’m serious! I really mean it! These guys are crazy, folks! I’m dead serious! And that’s not hyperbole! It’s not! It’s not fucking hyperbole goddamnit!!!

Ok that’s pretty funny, right? Well we think so, so we’re introducing a new character in the long line of Joe Biden action figures — Dark Sugar. Dark Sugar is a lot like Dark Brandon except he’s totally rocked out of his everloving gourd on magic drugs that only exist in Sean Hannity’s imagination. Dark Sugar was who showed up at the State of the Union. And Dark Sugar is the guy who’s gonna kick Trump’s orange ass all over the place in this debate.

Or maybe that’s stupid. Maybe the guy’s just 81 and sometimes he’s tired and sometimes he’s not. Nah. Couldn’t be that. That would make way too much goddamn sense. Gotta be Dark Sugar. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: RFK Jr. will not be on the debate stage next week. Neither will his brain worm. More: CNN

Note three: We’ve been saying this for way too damn long, but it looks like Matt Gaetz might be in trouble. More: AP

Note four: If you want to read something powerful, read this from Gabby Giffords and Sen. Mark Kelly. Get some tissues ready. More: People

Note five: LOL. What a dunce. Sucks we used up our brain worm joke on the second note.

Note six: UGH! LA Sparks rookie Cameron Brink is out for the rest of the season with a torn ACL. Get well soon, Cam! More: LA Mag

Note seven: The ACLU is suing Louisiana after the state started forcing classrooms to display the 10 Commandments. Frankly we’re surprised Republicans want to talk about the shit they don’t obey. More: ACLU

Note eight: Jane Fonda says she’s older than Joe Biden and he’s “just fine.” Listen to Jane, America. More: Daily Beast

Note nine: It is really really really really bad that the Washington Post is now being run by a Rupert scumbag who told Boris Johnson to destroy evidence. More: Guardian

Note 10: This is so insanely fucked up and corrupt it makes our blood boil…

Note 11: Mike Lindell lost his last lawyer in this hilarious lawsuit. If you need a laugh today, just read this. More: Law & Crime

Note 12: Trump is demanding Paul Ryan be removed from Fox’s board of directors. We hope the other media outlets see this and are ready for him to do the same to him. Maybe they should stop kissing his ass and start treating him like the fascist monster he is. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Trump’s spiritual adviser just stepped down from Gateway Church because he’s an alleged child rapist. The folks who hated Jeremiah Wright are surely upset about this. Right? More: CNN

Note 14: Biden brought in $8 million doing a fundraiser with Terry McAuliffe and the Clintons. You love to see it. More: AP

Note 15: He was bragging that a dead Joan Rivers voted for him?!

Note 16: HUGE congrats are in order for our friend Eugene Vindman who just won his primary. Let’s go!!! More: Independent

Note 17: Roger Stone appears to be in contact with one of Trump’s judges. Yes, that is insanely fucked up. More: Yahoo

Note 18: This is an important story about the rapper Quavo, VP Kamala Harris and gun violence in America. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re being selfish. They’re making a sequel to Spaceballs with Josh Gad, and we are so freaking happy. More: Variety

Note 20: And on that immature note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all took some time to celebrate Juneteenth. And now that it’s over, we hope you’ll take some time to save this country’s ass and ensure freedom endures. Love y’all!

WTF

So some of Ted Cruz’s donor documents were left behind and someone posted them on twitter. And then Elon came along and made them disappear. Remember when he pretended to hate censorship? And he does this crap all the time. Just recently he made a Community Note about Trump and Epstein disappear. We’re guessing this won’t be in the next Twitter Files.

More: Mediaite

This is some bullshit

The Supreme Court put out more decisions today and Trump’s garbage immunity claim wasn’t one of them. So a broken and corrupt court continues to run interference for Trump and his attack on the U.S. Capitol. At this point, it almost doesn’t matter what they rule because they’ve delayed this shit for so long Trump could be in a position to make it all go away. The American people have been cheated of justice by their Supreme Court. And we are fucking furious.

More: Salon

Wow

So here’s something we don’t say every day — hey check out that Fox News poll. Yeah, we’re shocked too. But it is the most recent poll to show Biden surging ahead of Trump in a national survey. Biden has gained three points in the poll since their last one, and he is now leading 50 percent to 48 percent. This is like the fifth national poll to show momentum swinging after Trump’s conviction. This shit ain’t over. It’s just getting started.

More: Fox

Today’s clips

Donald Trump harbored a crush on Debra Messing when they both worked for NBC, and the “Will & Grace” star remains an “obsession” for the former president, according to a new book. More: HuffPost

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Matt Gaetz has been investigated forever with jack shit happening so far. 

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’re not gonna bug you too much today. It’s an important federal holiday that we want to observe and celebrate, so we’re just doing an abbreviated version with about half as much cussing as usual. Today is Juneteenth, the day we celebrate the last emancipation of slaves in America, a conclusion to our nation’s most shameful chapter. It’s also a day when we wonder if they just skip this part of the calendar in Florida. 

We’re not gonna go on too long today, but we do want to make one thing very clear on this Juneteenth — Donald Trump is a racist piece of shit who surrounds himself with other racist pieces of shit and if they get back in the White House, they’re going to do lots of racist shitty things. Look, we’re not poets, but hopefully you know what we mean.  

So fuck those racist pieces of shit, and Happy Juneteenth. Y’all have a blessed day. 

Note two: Damnit. RIP Willie Mays. More: LA Mag

Note three: We love you, and we’ll see you tomorrow. 

Note four: Also, LOLOL…

Be advised: This newsletter cusses but only when it’s about to fucking lose it.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’re wearing a shoe on our heads and a hat on our feet! No, we’re not drunk, and we haven’t completely lost what little was left of our shit. We’re just leaning into everything being totally upside-fucking-down and stupid and this seemed like a good way to do it. We’ve also started wearing a jockstrap as a belt, assless yoga pants and a shitload of orange makeup. We look totally nuts! Sorta like the idea that this shit isn’t bigger news or a bigger part of this election’s narrative…

Whoa! Seems like a big fucking deal, don’t it? Like the kind of thing that the news should talk about A LOT?! ARGH!!!! Look, we get that the stock market isn’t the economy. We get that people are still hurting. But are we pretending that shit wasn’t also true when Trump was president and everyone was kissing his ass for not fucking up the economy Obama built?! The American economy is the envy of the goddamn world right now, and it was like 15 fucking minutes ago that we didn’t have toilet paper or jobs. Have we really lost our North Star so badly that we’re gonna fuck over the best economic president of our lifetimes for a rapist fuckhead who craps himself at the mention of sharks? Are things really that hat-on-feet upside-down?!

Of course not. And that’s what’s keeping us sane. Or sane while still wearing a jockstrap as a belt and a fucking Nike on our head. But we have to believe that once America really dials in to this election, they’re gonna remember what a horrible asshole and shitty president Trump is/was. Right? Isn’t that how it’s going to go? Probably? Please tell us that’s what’s gonna happen. Otherwise we’re gonna go hide under the fucking bed. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Which was more upsetting? The assless yoga pants or the orange makeup?

Note three: We can’t bring ourselves to congratulate the Boston Celtics, so we’ll just say congrats to the Sexy Patriots who are Celtics fans. More: ESPN

Note four: It really looks like the Washington Post is about to become the New York Post. And that’s about as sad as it fucking gets, y’all. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note five: It seems like Matt Gaetz is in trouble. So when the hell is he gonna face some consequences?

Note six: New York’s highest court ain’t interested in lifting Trump’s gag order. Oh well. More: NBC

Note seven: It’s an election day in several states. If you live there, please vote. It’s important.

Note eight: We don’t know New Jersey politics well enough to be mind-blown by all of this, but it seems pretty huge. More: AP

Note nine: We are so fucking sick and fucking tired of these fake videos about Biden. And we know they’re only going to get worse. More: NBC

Note 10: It’s pretty crazy to see an entire political party devote itself to kissing orange ass…

Note 11: Freak fight! Jesse Ventura is big mad he got passed over to be the brain worm idiot’s running mate. Hilarious. More: Washington Times

Note 12: The heat out there is no joke. Please be safe!

Note 13: Justin Timberlake was arrested. It’s not politics, but it’s interesting. Especially if you’re Team Janet like us. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Can y’all fucking believe there’s a goddamn debate next week?!

Note 15: These are the assholes supposedly winning over Black voters?

Note 16: After talking about how much he hates Milwaukee, orange shithead is going to Wisconsin. We hope they give him a warm welcome. More: CNN

Note 17: It’s probably not good that Secret Service agents are getting robbed. Man, that agency is a dang mess. More: CNN

Note 18: Is anyone reading Fauci’s book? We have to admit we didn’t even know it was out, but we are definitely intrigued. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we share with you this fantastic story about fantastic father Marlon Wayans. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that badass note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there and not yet at the point where you’re threatening to wear shoes on your head just to illustrate how fucked up everything is. But if you are, we know you’d pull it off. Love y’all!

Whatever

It’s kind of a slow news day, but we always think it’s worth pointing out when the Speaker of the House chooses to fly to Florida to kiss Trump’s ass instead of actually doing his job and working for the American people. Why is it just accepted by the MSM that Republicans have their own shadow government and it’s fucking things up for normal people?

More: CBS

Thank you, Mr. President

We haven’t known what to make of some of President Biden’s recent moves on immigration. Some of them seemed unnecessary and designed to win over right-wing assholes who can’t be won over. Well we can’t say that about this latest move. Biden is offering a path to citizenship for about 500,000 undocumented spouses and 50,000 kids whose step-parent is a citizen. He’s also moving to add more work visas for Dreamers. This is the shit we’re talking about. This is why we’re different. We’re a nation of immigrants. And we like that a lot better than being a nation that separates terrified families.

More: AP

LOLOL

Is this real? Are we really this lucky? Steve Bannon is supposed to be going to prison soon. And he’s not going to the cushy prison he thought he was. Don’t get us wrong, he’s still going to a pretty cushy prison, but it ain’t what he was hoping for and that makes us happy. Plus, there’s a possibility he could go to Rikers! We probably shouldn’t get our hopes up, but we’re just so excited to see that fucker rot.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden is gearing up to raise taxes on wealthy people in the U.S. if he’s re-elected this fall, picking a fight with Republican rival Donald Trump, who is promising even deeper tax cuts if he returns to the White House. More: NBC

The Biden administration on Tuesday swore in the first class of the American Climate Corps, a federal program that is meant to place young people in the clean energy, conservation and climate resilience sectors. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it found out on Father’s Day that Trump was on Epstein’s jet.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We hope y’all had a lovely weekend. We sure did. But now it’s back to the grind. Fortunately for us, we love grinding with you. Uh, you know what we mean. We absolutely love doing this newsletter for you almost as much as we would love to not have to do it because the world isn’t being overrun by malicious dumbshits. Oh well. We think it’s a good if foul-mouthed and odd-minded newsletter. It sure tries hard. And we try to be consistent except for the occasional day/week off to not lose our minds. And part of that consistency is making sure we count down the days to the election semi-accurately every day.

And since we do it every day, it tends to become routine. But every once in a while, we spit out coffee, let out a little pee and have our eyes bug out cartoon style and say WHAT THE FUCK?! 141 FUCKING DAYS?!!! ARE YOU FUCKIING SERIOUS?!!! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! And today happened to be one of those days for us. Don’t worry. We breathed into a paper bag and now we’re good. But yeah, 141 days. Yikes. Hell, the first debate is next week. Hard to fucking believe.

So what are we gonna do for the next 141 days to save this country’s hot ass? Are we focused? Are we motivated? Are we a wee bit scared shitless but still looking fine as hell? You betcha. So let’s do this, SPs. Let’s give it everything we’ve got. Because the end is getting close. The end of what is up to us. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Here’s what that Be Advised was all out. Ouch. Happy Father’s Day, Junior.

Note three: You know who we should all listen to? The German chancellor. More: Politico

Note four: Did y’all see Hillary make a surprise appearance at the Tony Awards last night? More: Yahoo

Note five: Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff is going to speak at the groundbreaking for a memorial for the Pittsburgh Tree of Life shooting victims. More: AP

Note six: We’re saving this for the news section, but we wanted to make sure you saw it.

Note seven: Trump had a Blacks for Trump event in Detroit, and only white people showed up. More: New Republic

Note eight: Yikes. Trust us and DO NOT look at this new poll out of Iowa. More: Des Moines Register

Note nine: Politico published a story over the weekend asking what happened to “rising star” Glen Youngkin. We can answer that. He’s an unlikable dickhead who was only a rising star to gullible beltway reporters. NO LINK

Note 10: The Washington Post is a serious fucking dumpster fire right now. And that is not good for democracy. More: CNN

Note 11: Things aren’t going great for RFK Jr. In fact, he’s not getting out-polled by the brain worm.

Note 12: We were gonna show you Trump’s deranged fucked up Father’s Day message and then we figured y’all have already seen that dumb crazy shit before.

Note 13: This is HUGE. For the first time, Florida Democrats are running candidates in every single legislative district. It will take a long time to turn things around down there, but this is how it starts. More: Florida Dems

Note 14: If you’ve already seen Inside Out 2, please don’t tell us what happens. We can’t freaking wait to see it. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Dick Durbin says the math isn’t mathing so he can’t do anything about our corrupt Supreme Court justices. We say bullshit. More: HuffPost

Note 16: How freaking awesome is Jack Black?

Note 17: We have long known what a stud Kylian Mbappe is. But damn it’s good to see him using his celebrity to push back against right-wingers. More: BBC

Note 18: Serious heatwave coming. Y’all be safe out there. Drink lots of water and right-winger tears.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we take you to Maryland Gov. Wes Moore who just announced he’s going to pardon 175,000 low-level marijuana offenses. This is how it’s done, people. This is how you change lives. Thank you, Gov. Moore! More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that redemptive note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome weekend, and we just know this is gonna be a great week. But remember, we’re running out of time to save this fucked up country, so please give it all you’ve got. Love y’all!

Hollywood Joe

You’ve seen the photos. This weekend in L.A., Presidents Biden and Obama, George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Jack Black, Sam Youngman, Barbara Streisand and Jimmy Kimmel teamed up to raise a record-setting $30 million in one night. Hey, Sam! What the fuck are you doing in there! Ok so he was there, and it was pretty inspiring. It was also a good reminder that this campaign is in full swing and we damn well better be acting like it.

More: LA Mag

Let’s go!

Anybody want to watch a debate? Well you’re in luck. We are less than two weeks away from the first debate between Biden and Trump and over the weekend we got some details. We already know it will be on CNN. But now we know the candidates won’t be allowed to use notes, they’ll be standing at podiums and the one who isn’t talking will have their mic muted. We’ve never seen a debate like this so early in the cycle so who knows what to expect?

More: CNN

Go Blue!

That isn’t about Kentucky or Michigan athletics or a reference to the movie Old School. No, this is about a super badass hard-hitting ad the Biden-Harris campaign dropped this morning as part of a $50 million ad campaign. We’re just gonna show it to you instead of talking about it…

Today’s clips

The arm of the national Democratic Party focused on state legislative races will spend more than $10 million to boost down-ballot candidates as part of a broader effort that’s also designed to help President Joe Biden in key battleground states. More: NBC

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has dissolved the six-member war Cabinet, an Israeli official said on Monday, in a widely expected move that came after the departure from government of the centrist former general Benny Gantz. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s how we cuss out assholes who shit-talk Milwaukee.

Note: Sexy Patriots! One reason we’re happy to put out a cussing newsletter is we can say thank fucking god it’s Friday. This week being over is certainly something to celebrate. You know what’s not? Donald Trump’s birthday. Yeah, fuck that asshole.

But seriously, orange dingus turns 78 today (that’s 164 in dumbfuck demon years or Trump University math), and we sure hope all that shit on his face isn’t flammable when he goes to blow out all those candles. Now normally what we like to do in this situation is joke that we made a poop cake for whomever the asshead is we hate who is having a birthday.

But we actually have very special recipe for this very special buttlick that we’ve been perfecting for years. So here’s what we put in Donald Trump’s birthday cake.

And the thing is, he loved it. Ate every goddamn bite. That dude just ain’t all there. Anyway, fuck off, Donnie. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We know what you’re gonna say — Possums don’t have butts. They have tails. And it’s opossums. Or is it? Anyway, this weekend is Father’s Day, and so for this week’s This Week’s Big Stuff we did an interview with the Ghost of Fred Trump. Is it in poor taste? Oh you bet your hot asses it is. So subscribe to our weekly podcast and help keep this fucked up newsletter going. More: Patreon

Note three: SCOTUS did not rule on Trump’s bullshit immunity claim today. They’re really helping him delay it as long as they can. Fuckers.

Note four: Happy Flag Day, which is probably a pretty big deal in the Alito household.

Note five: Even greedy CEOs are freaked out by what a dumpster fire Trump’s brain is…

Note six: We’ve been pretty angry about the lack of action from Senate Democrats when it comes to our corrupt SCOTUS, but yesterday they revealed more trips Clarence Thomas took on his billionaire buddy’s jet. So maybe our team is working on this. More: Guardian

Note seven: We got ahead of ourselves yesterday and said Senate Republicans voted against protecting IVF. They did, we just had the timing wrong. More: NBC

Note eight: We’ll get to it in the news section, but it’s hard to describe how fucked up this bump stock ruling is from SCOTUS today.

Note nine: Trump attacked Milwaukee yesterday. We sure hope Milwaukee doesn’t forget. More: Yahoo

Note 10: Yes, Adam Schiff. This is how you do it!

Note 11: The Associated Press ran a story yesterday about Trump making “a triumphant return to Capitol Hill.” Yeah, so the AP is fucked. And no we’re not linking to that horse shit.

Note 12: Joe Biden said yesterday at the G7 in Italy that he will not pardon Hunter or commute his sentence. It’s almost like the president of the United States respects the fucking law. More: CNN

Note 13: After he was convicted, Trump reached out to MAGA Mike Johnson for help. This is the kind of shit the media thinks is a HUGE scandal. But only if a Democrat does it. And Democrats don’t do shit like this. More: Politico

Note 14: We realize that when it comes to Trump, batshit fucking crazy is kinda par for the course. But even so, this tax plan is fucking nutsville. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We love the Biden-Harris social media team.

Note 16: How can you not love Sean Penn? More: HuffPost

Note 17: You’re going to want to read the Biden campaign’s birthday wishes to Trump. More: The Hill

Note 18: We just need to say this — Mark Hamill is the freaking best. It’s so awesome that Luke Skywalker has stayed cool.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, well, REM reunited. More: NBC

Note 20: And on that amazing note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have an awesome weekend, and we sure hope Trump has a shitty birthday. Mostly because he sucks. Love y’all!

Says it all

Yesterday Donald Trump endorsed Larry Hogan. And you could hear Hogan shitting himself from miles away. The former Republican governor of Maryland is doing everything he can to distance himself from orange asshead, and then orange asshead went and endorsed him. LOL. How bad was it? Well, Hogan sent his campaign manager to Fox to say no thank you.

More: HuffPost

Embarrassing

Yesterday Capitol Hill Republicans kissed some serious ass. As Trump returned to Capitol Hill for the first time since he launched a violent attack on the joint, the GOP House and Senate caucuses were falling all over themselves to kiss his sorry ass. Even Mitch McConnell, who said Trump was “practically and morally responsible” for the attack on the Capitol was there shaking Trump’s hand, singing happy birthday and kissing taint. It’s some seriously pathetic shit. Even for the most pathetic people on Earth.

More: CNN

WHAT THE FUCK?!

The bad news is SCOTUS is forcing Americans to have babies. The worse news is SCOTUS just raised the odds those babies will be killed in a mass shooting. Yeah, today those sick corrupt soulless fucks on the court said that Trump’s ban against bump stocks for guns, which he enacted after a luantic murdered 60 people and wounded more than 800 others in Las Vegas, was unconstitutional. So yeah, this Supreme Court is somehow pro-life and pro-mass murder. We honestly don’t have the words to describe how fucked up this is.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Heavy rainfall that’s caused unrelenting flooding in South Florida since Tuesday will continue for a fourth consecutive day after turning roads into canals and forcing some residents to stand on the roofs of their cars or trudge through waist-deep waters. More: CNN

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like some orange piece of shit just returned to the scene of the crime.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, there are days when we don’t need a big long cussing diatribe or fake interview to drive a point home. Some days we just have to point to someone and say DON’T DO ANYTHING THIS GUY DOES OR IT WILL PROBABLY FUCK UP YOUR LIFE. So here’s that for today…

Yikes. Well, thanks Bob, but we’re gonna go ahead and drink rat milk we found under the kitchen sink in an abandoned house like our parents taught us. Can you imagine taking health and nutrition advice from this lunatic? Like sure he’s anti-vaxx and a worm ate his brain, but he also thinks he can be president! LOL! No thanks, Bob! Y’all have a blessed day. And seriously don’t do anything that guy says.

Note two: The Supreme Court once again didn’t rule on Trump’s bullshit immunity claim. Nice of them to help him run out of the clock some more.

Note three: Oh man. Jiggly Doodielicker (JD) Vance might be in trouble with his orange god. More: HuffPost

Note four: Senate Democrats are going to investigate Jared Kushner, really testing the old adage that later is better than never. More: HuffPost

Note five: Team Biden dropped a new ad to welcome Trump back to Capitol Hill…

Note six: House Republicans sang happy birthday to Trump this morning. Yes, it made us want to puke too. So fucking gross to see that sonofabitch return to the scene of the crime.

Note seven: We have really failed y’all in that we have not talked more about how awesome and courageous Alito neighbor Emily Baden is. Sorry about that. More: CNN

Note eight: Lindsey Graham blocked an effort by Democrats to pass Supreme Court ethics legislation. Lindsey Graham sucks. More: MSNBC

Note nine: Well this is fucking terrifying. This right-wing asshead wanted to shoot up a Bad Bunny concert to start a race war. Bet we can guess who he supports for president. More: Fox 5 Atlanta

Note 10: Just a reminder that this is the Republican Party we’re up against…

Note 11: The Oklahoma Supreme Court made it official that they don’t give a shit about the mass murder of Black people in the Tulsa massacre. What a disgrace. More: AP

Note 12: Gosh it sure is surprising that Elon Musk is a creepy asshole. Oh wait. That’s not surprising at all. More: HuffPost

Note 13: While Trump is getting his ass kissed by Capitol Hill Republicans today, President Biden is at the G7 doing good shit for the world. More: NBC

Note 14: The videos out of Florida are stunning. Y’all be safe down there. And stop electing dumbfuck climate change deniers. More: NBC

Note 15: Someone seems scared…

Note 16: Per our friend Katie Phang, the Supreme Court still has 26 opinions to issue in the coming days.

Note 17: Wow. At the meeting with Republicans this morning, Trump said Milwaukee is “a horrible city.” LOL. That’s where the Republican convention is.

Twitter tweet

Note 18: Is it just us or are the NBA playoffs boring as hell? We ended up watching Team USA soccer tie Brazil last night, and it was thrilling.

Note 19: Y’all, we really looked hard for a Happy Ending note today, and we came up with jack shit. So instead we’ll just say that we’re very happy you joined us today, and you’re looking sexier and more patriotic than ever. Love y’all!

Who cares?

House Republicans voted to hold AG Merrick Garland in contempt yesterday, and nobody gave a shit. Yeah, the GOP, including three members who defied congressional subpoenas, voted to hold Garland in contempt of Congress for defying a congressional subpoena. They’re mad because Garland won’t give them the tapes of Biden’s interview with Robert Hur that they can use for campaign ads. Fuck them. And honestly fuck Merrick too. We don’t love that guy.

More: AP

They’re coming

Yesterday, Republicans made clear that IVF is not safe. Senate Republicans voted against a measure that would protect the procedure, choosing to put out a statement instead. And if you believe their statement, then we’ve got a bridge to sell you. But even more concerning, the Southern Baptist Convention voted earlier yesterday to oppose IVF. The SBC is basically where Republican policy starts, so we should all be taking this shit seriously.

More: NBC

Wut

The Supreme Court did the right thing today. Yeah, it scares the shit out of us too. In a unanimous decision with an opinion written by Brett fucking Kavanaugh, the court ruled that the plaintiffs did not have standing to sue the FDA over abortion medication, protecting access to the drug where it is legal. While this is obviously great news, we’re also pretty sure it means they’re going to rule that Trump can kill whoever he wants and be immune. Anyway, let’s enjoy the win for a little while.

More: LA Mag

Today’s clips

American journalist Evan Gershkovich will stand trial in Russia on charges of spying for the CIA, prosecutors announced Thursday. More: NBC

The Supreme Court sided with Starbucks on Thursday in a decision that could make it harder for labor prosecutors to win court injunctions against employers they believe to have broken the law. More: HuffPost

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It’s kinda our thing.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, by now you’ve heard that Hunter Biden is guilty. And Joe Biden is guilty too — of being a good and loving dad and not some heartless fucking asshole. Yeah, it really is one of our favorite things about Dark Brandon. He’s a good father and not a total piece of shit who raised Don Junior. Just look at this…

Goddamnit it’s getting dusty in here. Look away, SPs, while we compose ourselves. And while you do, try to imagine Trump doing this. Or showing his kids any affection at all. Actually, don’t try to imagine him showing affection to Ivanka. We’re all traumatized enough already over that fucked up shit. But can you picture Orange Dingus hugging Orange Dingus Junior? Of course not! You can’t picture anyone hugging Orange Dingus Junior except maybe a frightened therapist. If Junior had ever gotten arrested, Trump would have Epsteined him that same day and then told America he never had a son named Don Junior.

Anyway, this is our Father’s Day note. And it’s a good reminder that there are a lot of good dads out there and Joe Biden is one of them. There are also a lot of shitty asshole dads and Donald Trump is one of those. We’re supporting the guy who loves and supports his family and has a heart. Crazy, right? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Trump put out a statement wishing Hunter well. Then he took it back. What an asshole. More: Daily Beast

Note three: Want to read a story about the most pathetic human being on the planet? Then read this story about Mitch McConnell going to kiss Trump’s ass tomorrow. More: HuffPost

Note four: RIP Jerry West. The NBA logo died this morning. More: LA Mag

Note five: We haven’t talked enough about how Minnesota’s Royce White might be the worst goddamn candidate we’ve ever seen…

Note six: Paul Ryan says he won’t vote for Trump. Wouldn’t it have been nice if he’d had the guts to do this in 2016 when people still knew who he was? More: CNN

Note seven: Donald Trump is still a convicted felon.

Note eight: Isn’t it great to have a president who wants to end gun violence instead of encouraging more? More: HuffPost

Note nine: Sandy Hook survivors are graduating high school. We don’t know what to say about this. More: CNN

Note 10: This where we put the eyes emoji…

Note 11: It’s pretty great how Ted Cruz never stops being a punchline. Now if only he’d stop being a Senator. More: HuffPost

Note 12: On the one hand, it sucks that Nancy Mace won her primary. On the other hand, it’s nice to see Kevin McCarthy humiliated again. More: AP

Note 13: Ok, Nevada, we’ve gotta beat Sam Brown. Who’s in? More: Politico

Note 14: Lindsey Graham is going to block efforts to pass a Supreme Court ethics bill. Kinda tells you everything you need to know about the Supreme Court, don’t it? More: NBC

Note 15: Goddamn we loved a fired up Dark Brandon…

Note 16: The House is going to vote to hold Merrick Garland in contempt. We don’t know why, and we’re guessing House Republicans don’t either. More: AP

Note 17: Have y’all watched Hit Man on Netflix? One of the better movies we’ve seen in a while. We’re on the Glen Powell bandwagon.

Note 18: Republicans are very angry Hunter Biden was convicted. So maybe they’re just miserable unhappy people. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to ask you to hug your people. We all need more hugs, and that photo of Biden hugging Hunter has given us the feels. So try to hug at least one person today. And if you can’t find anyone, send us an email and we’ll virtually hug you. Love y’all!

Thanks, Joe

The CPI came out this morning, and once again it showed inflation cooling. So jobs and wages are up and inflation is down. Thanks, Dark Brandon! Grocery prices have been going down for four months, and Biden said in a statement this morning that inflation is down two-thirds from its peak. Let’s keep this party going!

More: CNBC

Good man

We already talked about the Biden family and the Hunter verdict. But we wanted to take an extra second to draw a contrast between a loving father and good president who told America he respects the outcome and the judicial system, and an orange piece of rat shit who attacked a judge and his daughter and the whole fucking system. Yesterday should’ve made clear who should be president and who should be in prison. Unfortunately, there are a lot of broken brains out there.

NO LINK

Yay, Ohio?

So last night there was a special House election in Ohio and the Republican won. So why are we telling you about it? Because the Republican was supposed to win by A LOT more and came up short. The final margin saw the GOP candidate winning by about 9 points. But Trump won the district by 29 points. Hmmmm. Maybe Republicans aren’t as unified or fired up as we’ve been told over and over again.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has said his country is an “invincible comrade-in-arms” with Russia in a message to President Vladimir Putin, state media KCNA said on Wednesday, amid speculation over Putin’s impending visit to North Korea. More: NBC

Be advised: No, really, today this is a serious fucking advisory that you can’t unsee what’s coming. Also, this newsletter uses profanity.

Note: We’re so sorry, Sexy Patriots. We love y’all so freaking much, and we just hate to do this to you and your sexy eyeballs. It will be our fault when you pee your bed from nightmares tonight, and it will be our fault when your therapist says you’ll never be ok again. So forgive us, SPs, but we felt like we had to share this. DO NOT look directly at it…

HOLY FUCKING SHIT OUR EYES!!!! OUR FUCKING EYES!!!! THE PAIN!!!!! IT HURTS!!!!! Isn’t that just about the most unsettling non-Gary Busey thing you’ve ever seen? Like how the fuck are the rest of us ever supposed to sleep again? He looks like he just devoured some screaming Smurfs. We’re actually grateful for Rudy. It can be tough for some people to tell which side is good and which side is evil, and just one goddamn glimpse at Rudy makes clear who’s who. At least he managed to not shit hair-dye out of his face this time. Are we the only ones who can smell that fucking picture?

Anyway, we sure are sorry to do that to you fine folks so early in the day. We hope you’ll forgive us. And maybe someday we’ll forgive ourselves. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You don’t want to miss this harrowing warning from our own Adam Parkhomenko at LA Mag. More: LA Mag

Note three: And not for nothing but Sam interviewed Beck… More: LA Mag

Note four: This might be controversial, but we think Martha-Ann Alito can eat shit. More: Rolling Stone

Note five: Nobody forget for a second this is what we’re fighting against…

Note six: Trump is going to meet with his pets in the Senate GOP. They’re all Lindsey Graham now. More: NBC

Note seven: Joe Biden did not meet with his probation officer yesterday. More: CNN

Note eight: If Nancy Mace loses her primary, we might never ever ever stop laughing. God she’s awful. More: NBC

Note nine: 538, which sucks, dropped its first forecast today. They have Biden winning 53 times out of 100 and Trump winning 47 times out of 100. How the fuck is it that close? More: Five Thirty Eight

Note 10: Yes Josh Shapiro! We love us some righteous profanity!

Note 11: Trump said he might keep the Epstein files sealed and Fox edited it out. Why don’t the conspiracy theory idiots ever care about this shit? More: HuffPost

Note 12: House Democrats are already making efforts to fight back against Trump’s super scary and fucked up second term plans. This is pretty terrifying. And totally necessary. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Steve Kerr endorsed Biden. We love Steve Kerr. We do not love the Golden State Warriors. More: Yahoo

Note 14: Teamsters President Sean O’Brien is asking for a speaking slot at both the Democratic and Republican conventions. If the Teamsters can’t tell the fucking difference between the most pro-union president of all time and the guy who spent a lifetime fucking them over, then maybe they need new leadership. More: Axios

Note 15: The WNBA is blowing up and we are so here for it…

Note 16: Ron DeSantis is trying to stop Florida from legalizing weed and women’s rights. We forgot he existed, but we sure didn’t forget he’s the fucking worst. More: Politico

Note 17: It looked like everyone at the White House had a blast at last night’s Juneteenth celebration. More: The Hill

Note 18: Here’s today’s reminder that RFK’s brain got ate by worms…

Note 19: We couldn’t find a good Happy Ending note today so we're just gonna take a second to be grateful we ain’t got brain worms.

Note 20: And on that note of gratitude, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start. And we really hope you’ll forgive us for that mugshot. Yikes! Love y’all!

Sucky Sam

Wow did Lauren Windsor get the goods. In her latest undercover expose, Windsor talked to the Alito family. We already shared with you how awful Martha-Ann is, but Sam is no prize either. Of course you already knew that. Windsor got Alito to tell the truth about how he doesn’t see how he can compromise with liberals and how the country needs to be more godly. Senate Democrats needed to be issuing subpoenas months ago.

More: ABC

Yay!

Joe Biden is on fire. Not only has he saved the economy after the pandemic, but now he’s brought crime down too. The FBI’s crime report showed that violent crime is down by 15 percent in the first three months of this year. Murders are down 26.4 percent. Woohoo! So yeah, there is still crime, but most of it seems to be coming from Republican officials.

More: CNN

Well done!

Remember when that boat hit that bridge in Baltimore and the whole thing came crashing down and everyone was worried about how the economy could take a hit because this crucial shipping channel was going to be blocked forever? Well it’s open now. Just like that highway in Philadelphia. Because Democrats and union labor get shit done. So why isn’t the media celebrating?

More: AP

Today’s clips

Jurors resumed deliberations Tuesday in the criminal case against Hunter Biden over a gun President Joe Biden’s son bought in 2018 when prosecutors say he was in the throes of a crack cocaine addiction. More: HuffPost

A federal judge on Monday denied an effort to dismiss former President Donald Trump's classified documents case, but agreed to delete a paragraph in the federal superseding indictment against the former president. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We’ll stop when shit stops being so fucked up.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s a HUGE day here at TBS HQ. We didn’t huff any glue this morning and we’re getting out our fanciest cuss words. We even put formal wear on the dogs, lizards and monkeys who roam freely around our compound lest their constant nudity undermine the occasion. What could inspire all this grown up behavior? Well we’re making a move.

As we mentioned last week, today is our first day at our new home with our dear friend Mary Trump. Mary has kindly offered TBS a home with her Substack, and we happily accepted. For you Sexy Patriots, it won’t mean anything except being exposed to more cool content. We’re still planning to keep TBS free and profane, and you won’t have to sign up for anything to keep getting an inbox full of f-bombs. For us, it means this labor of love is getting a home.

Y’all know the story by now. We started TBS more than five years ago for a few friends mostly to help them and us cope with the endlessly horrible and fucked up shit we were seeing during the Trump years. Since then, we have rallied together to win elections, cuss, vent, seethe, cry, cuss, celebrate, worry, cuss and lean on each other as we fight for the America we all know we can be. And now, with that beautiful idea in danger of being extinguished by a dumbfuck gameshow host, we are coming together with our friends and allies to save this country’s ass once again.

Thank you, Mary, for giving TBS a new home. Thank you, Sexy Patriots, for growing with us, having our backs and cussing for freedom. Let us go forth and do what we do best — cuss like some motherfuckers and save America from shitheads. You’ll continue to get this email during our transition this week and we’ll keep you updated! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Mick Jagger has been lowkey turning the Rolling Stones’ summer tour into a Fuck Trump’s GOP tour and we are loving every second of it. Kinda like Let It Bleed.

Note three: While we were away last week, Joey Jobs put up another huge jobs report. Here’s why that’s bad news. We’re just kidding. Can you imagine? More: CNBC

Note four: The Federalist came for Dolly Parton. Those sick fucks have gone too far this time. More: Yahoo

Note five: Hunter Biden’s trial is wrapping up. Notice how his dad hasn’t tried to destroy the judicial system or called everything rigged? More: HuffPost

Note six: We make fun of Rudy Giuliani a lot. Then we’re reminded that he’s a subhuman shit-eating asshead and we realize we don’t make fun of him nearly enough…

Note seven: Trump spent the weekend calling the Jan. 6 scum “warriors.” He did it while Biden was honoring our WWII vets. Remember when shit like this would have been a scandal? More: Independent

Note eight: Why yes we are terrified by the election results we’re seeing in Europe. Thanks for asking! More: HuffPost

Note nine: Hope y’all are having a happy Pride Month! Sam did a cool little story last night about L.A. Sparks Head Coach Curt Miller, the only openly gay male coach in basketball. More: LA Mag

Note 10: VP Kamala Harris has been going after Trump big time. You love to see it. More: Politico

Note 11: It’s a few days old, but we wanted to make sure you saw this deeply touching exchange from France last week. Isn’t it nice to know we’re on the right side of this stuff?

Note 12: We’ve seen a lot of so-called experts upset because Caitlin Clark didn’t make the USA Olympic team. Y’all know we’re big CC fans, but we’re also a big believer that the WNBA ain’t a charity and CC is gonna have to earn everything on that level. Don’t worry. She’ll get there. More: USA Today

Note 13: Over the weekend, Benny Gantz resigned from Netanayahu’s war cabinet. Seems bad for Bibi. More: NBC

Note 14: Republicans are helping Cornel West get on the ballot in North Carolina. And that really tells you everything you need to know about Cornel West’s presidential campaign. More: NBC

Note 15: It’s pretty fucking horrifying watching a total chud take over the Washington Post, especially when that chud is endorsed by Steve fucking Bannon. More: Guardian

Note 16: Oof. Y’all have got to see this new ad…

Note 17: Trump was ranting about sharks again this weekend. How the fuck is this our country now? More: HuffPost

Note 18: Pat Sajak has hosted Wheel of Fortune for the last time. It’s the kind of thing we would have been bummed about before found out he hangs out at Mar-a-Lago like a total piece of shit. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending note, we give you an actual goddamn miracle. Here is rare footage of Donald Trump actually telling the truth. And they said it couldn’t be done…

Note 20: And on that chilling note, let’s go do some news! We sure are excited to be joining y’all from our new home today. We think this is the start of something really exciting and hopefully saving our country from orange asshead again. Love y’all!

LOLOL!!!

File this under Shit Joe Biden Ain’t Doing Today. Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, has to do his probation interview today before he gets sentenced. Because he’s a convicted felon. And an asshole. The more stuff like this happens, the more Americans are going to be reminded of who and what Trump is. We’re already seeing polls shift since the conviction. So ignore the dumbshits who want you to believe it’s a good thing for a politician’s campaign to get convicted of a felony.

More: NBC

Thank you, Mr. President

Last week and this weekend, Joe Biden sure made us proud to be Americans. While honoring our troops and the alliance that invaded Europe 80 years ago to defeat the Nazis, Joe Biden reminded us that this fight is ongoing and it’s up to every generation of Americans to do their part to defeat fascism and tyranny. For the Greatest Generation, that meant storming the beaches of Normandy. For us, it means beating the dipshits who worship a moronic gameshow host. Anyway, we’re grateful to President Biden for representing the United States in such a beautiful and dignified way.

More: CNN

GOODBYE, SHITHEAD!!!

Y’all, it freaking killed us to not be with you Friday to talk and cuss about Steve Bannon being ordered to prison in a few weeks. But we figure this is the kind of thing we can celebrate for a while. There’s no expiration date on cheering a dirtbag getting what’s coming to him. Bannon is the literal scum of the Earth. He has belonged behind bars for a long time for his crimes against America, humanity and fashion. The dumb asshole is talking about not reporting to jail and becoming a fugitive. We really hope he goes that route. Run for it, Steve. Give them a reason to tase you, bro.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

France’s President Emmanuel Macron has dissolved the country’s parliament, the National Assembly, and called a snap election after an exit poll showed his Renaissance party is set to be trounced by the far-right opposition in European parliamentary elections on Sunday. More: CNN

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem (R) didn’t appear happy with CNN’s Dana Bash asking about her dog killing story on Sunday when the host brought up the anecdote from her book released earlier this year. More: HuffPost

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It makes us feel better about all the fucked up scary shit.

BIG EFFING ANNOUNCEMENT!!! Hold on to your sexy hats, Sexy Patriots, because we’ve got something big to share. We are fucking thrilled to share with y’all that we are teaming up with our dear friend and Sexy Patriot THE Mary Trump!!! Woo-freaking-hooooo!!!! That means TBS is going to be moving to Substack. Don’t worry. We are still keeping this free as long as we can, which is going on more than five years now. And we are keeping our promise to never sell or share your email addresses. If you get an email from us, it’s because of breaking news or the world is ending or we’re just lonely and want to say hi. You won’t have to do anything to stay on the super cool awesome person TBS email list. Next week, you’ll get TBS from both of us just like normal. Well, normal for us anyway. After that, the newsletter will start showing up in your inbox from Substack. But it will still be free, it will still be horrified and hilarious and it will still be fucking awesome. Oh and it will still be fighting to save this crazy goshdamn country. So let’s do this, SPs! 

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We’re gonna skip the part today where we ask you how you’re doing. Based on the emails we’re getting (we fucking suck at getting back to y’all and we’re sorry), we know the good side is more than a little freaked out. We get it. We are too. It seems entirely possible that America has totally and forever lost its shit, and that is something to be concerned about. But goddamnit this newsletter is supposed to help us all feel better and laugh in the face of the stupid and the cruel. So today let’s laugh at this…

LOLOL! He had a license to carry a gun??? Yiiiiiiikes. So he theoretically could have shot some people on 5th Avenue. Or killed JFK. We were so amused by this we did a little digging. And it turns out that Trump actually gave up his gun years ago after accidentally shooting off his little orange shroom. Our sources say he cried for weeks while the women of New York rejoiced, and he could only be consoled after he was given a badge for marksmanship having hit such a small target.

We’re mostly, probably kidding about that even though it would explain a lot. So thanks, New York, for getting a gun out of the hands of a dangerous criminal. Now please lock his orange ass up. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey, y’all, we apologize, but we’re gonna have to take tomorrow off to deal with some personal stuff. We always feel so guilty when we have to do this, but we know y’all understand. And those who don’t are free to cuss us out.

Note three: Shit. Shit. Shit. The Georgia case is officially on hold. More: LA Mag

Note four: Mitch McConnell wants the Supreme Court to punish the Senate Democrats who are asking about corruption on the Supreme Court. Mitch McConnell can eat shit. More: NBC New York

Note five: No, Byron Donalds, Black Americans were not better off during the Jim Crow era. It’s amazing how much dumb and obvious shit we have to say these days.

Note six: The lying scum who have been attacking the Biden family while kissing the ass of a convicted felon are now referring the Biden family to DOJ for criminal charges. Ain’t happening. Well, at least not with this DOJ. More: HuffPost

Note seven: This dude running for Congress in Ohio is either homophobic or he’s so goddamn dumb he thought it would be funny to say he’s homophobic. Either way, fuck that dude. More: Heartland Signal

Note eight: New York Gov. Kathy Hochul pissed off a lot of good people yesterday. She seems to do that a lot. More: ABC7

Note nine: We already knew this, but the Colorado Republican Party are a bunch of assheaded assbrained assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We like this, and we’ll be tuning in. And the New York Times can eat it.

Note 11: Yesterday MAGA Mike Johnson put a traitor (Scott Perry) and a drug-addled dipshit (Ronny Jackson) on the House Intel Committee. So yeah, the burglars are in the house. This is so fucked up. More: AP

Note 12: Who y’all got winning the NBA Finals?

Note 13: The Earth has a fever. That’s not the set-up to a joke. We’re killing the planet, and we need to do something about it. More: NBC

Note 14: A Federal Appeals Court is no longer accepting complaints about “Judge” Aileen Cannon because we sent too many of them. We assume other people sent some too. More: CNN

Note 15: If you were like us and spent part of your day yesterday shaking your heads about that shit with Byron Donalds, then you’ll want to watch this…

Note 16: Need a laugh? This Travis Kelce story is pretty funny. For something without cussing in it. More: HuffPost

Note 17: So the Washington Post — and democracy — are in big trouble. Apparently the new boss fired the editor because she wanted to write a story about his phone-hacking history. Yikes. More: NY Times

Note 18: We’re just gonna warn you that you can’t un-read this story about Trump’s insanely gross mouth foam. More: HuffPost

Note 19: As much as we hate Twitter, we had to share this with y’all for today’s Happy Ending. President Joe Biden is in France for D-Day. And he’s showing us what it looks like to really honor the people who “saved the world.”

Twitter tweet

Note 20: And on that touching note, let’s go do some news! We’re going through some big changes here at TBS, and we’re damn grateful to you for joining us. Yeah, shit is all fucked up, but at least shit is all fucked up together. Or something like that. Love y’all!

Show vote

It was a show vote, and Republicans showed us exactly what the fuck they’re gonna do — come for birth control. Senate Democrats yesterday introduced a measure that would ensure the right to contraception is legally protected, and it failed because the same fuckheads who helped overturn Roe want to come for birth control next. Only two Republicans — Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski — voted for cloture. So that means every Republican Senator running for re-election this year and many of Trump’s would-be running mates just voted against a woman’s right to contraception. Dumbasses.

More: NBC

WTAF PA?

American heroes Harry Dunn and Aquilino Gonel were reportedly booed and hissed by Pennsylvania statehouse Republicans while visiting Harrisburg yesterday. As fucked up as that is, maybe we shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, these are probably the same goddamn assholes who attacked our Capitol and these cops in the first place.

More: Heartland Signal

Let’s do this

Steve Bannon has a hearing scheduled for today in which DOJ is likely to ask the Trump-appointed judge why the fuck Bannon isn’t already rotting in a jail cell. Bannon’s appeal failed, and he should be on his way to the clink to serve the same four-month sentence Peter Navarro is currently sweating out. But for some reason he’s still free to attack Americans all day. So let’s hope by the time the sun sets tonight, we’ll be toasting the impending incarceration of Jabba the Butt.

More: Law & Crime

Today’s clips

Judge Aileen Cannon is again ripping up the court schedule in former President Donald Trump’s classified documents case – pushing some of the legal questions that have been before her for months even further down the road. More: CNN

A Donald Trump supporter who assaulted law enforcement officers with bear spray and a metal whip — and who was arrested thanks to a woman’s sting operation on the dating app Bumble — was sentenced to just over six years in prison on Wednesday. More: NBC

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It feels like the right thing to do.

Note: Sexy Patriots!!! How are you gorgeous freedom fighters today? Well that’s good. We don’t know about y’all, but we have really been giving some thought to D-Day this year. President Biden is over in France for the anniversary tomorrow, and it’s really been giving us the “Fuck yeah, America” feels…

Goddamn we were beautiful. Ya know, we’ve done some really good things, America. Some really damn good things. We can again. We’ve just gotta do one thing — stop being fucking stupid. Seriously that’s it. If we just do that one thing, we can do whatever we can imagine. We can figure out time travel and really get hoverboards right finally if we just stop being fucking stupid. We are an awesome people. When we’re not being fucking stupid. So how about we all get our shit together and stop being fucking stupid? We saved the world once. Now let’s save ourselves. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Just a reminder for the Trump fans — you’re supposed to be rooting for the guys who landed on the beach; not the guys who were already there.

Note three: Today Senate Republicans are going to vote against a bill that would guarantee access to contraception. So yes, they are coming for birth control. More: CNN

Note four: And here’s a reminder of what life is like for women in Texas thanks to the last time Trump got in office. More: CBS

Note five: What in the world…

Note six: Did y’all see VP Harris on Kimmel last night? More: ABC

Note seven: Last night, Montanans nominated Jon Tester and Tim Sheehy to be Senate candidates. Tester is a fantastic senator and deserves to be re-elected. And last night Tester said that he has “farm equipment that’s been in Montana longer than Tim Sheehy.” Damn that’s gotta hurt. More: Politico

Note eight: Trump is still losing votes in primaries to Nikki Haley and Chris Christie. More: The Hill

Note nine: Marjorie Taylor Greene yesterday introduced an amendment to defund NATO and 46 Republicans went along with her. It never stops being shocking to us that Vladimir Putin has captured an entire American political party. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Eric Swalwell was giving ‘em hell yesterday…

Note 11: Is there anything funnier than Mick Jagger making fun of Ron DeSantis? More: HuffPost

Note 12: The Trump assholes in the House are trying to change the judicial system to protect Trump. Shouldn’t it be a scandal that that orange motherfucker is the only person they’re working for? More: Axios

Note 13: This fucking moron in Pennsylvania thinks free menstrual products is the gateway to communism. Can someone get Stephanie a fucking book? More: WKOK

Note 14: Yikes. The RNC was using a picture of Ho Chi Minh City on its convention website. It was supposed to be Milwaukee. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Shit got real at Hunter Biden’s trial yesterday…

Note 16: Even for House Republicans, Victoria Spartz seems insane. So no we’re not surprised she’s being investigated for being abusive toward her staff. More: Politico

Note 17: We started watching Clipped on FX last night. It’s about the L.A. Clippers ex-owner who was a racist piece of shit. It’s pretty damn good.

Note 18: Bernie Sanders says he will skip Netanayahu’s speech. We’re guessing he will not be alone. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to draw your attention to our pal Harry Dunn. Dunn lost his primary to run for the House, but he’s staying involved and launching a PAC. We’re damn grateful to him for staying in the fight. And for protecting our Capitol from scum. More: NBC

Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a fantastic week. And if not, just remember that Peter Navarro is in jail right now. Love y’all!

Garden State good guy

Ok, New Jersey, let’s do this. Rep. Andy Kim might be the nicest guy in the U.S. House of Representatives. He’s also running for the Senate and is now officially the Democratic nominee. But this won’t be easy. With Bob Menendez running as an independent and Republicans nominating a non-Trumpian candidate, we’ve got our work cut out to put Andy in the upper chamber.

More: Politico

Fuck off, Rupert

The Wall Street Journal published a huge story last night about how Joe Biden has lost a step. Their source? Kevin fucking McCarthy. Yeah, we’re not even kidding. They did this whole thing and used only Republican sources. It’s shameful. But it’s even worse when you consider that yesterday Trump put out a video saying he will get WSJ reporter Evan Gershowitz out of a Russian prison but only if he wins. Joe Biden is going to be running against the most corrupt news media in American history. Yikes.

More: Mediaite

Scary shit

Trump is talking about putting his political opponents in jail. Again. In an interview yesterday, Trump said it’s “very possible” people who prosecuted him and ran against him will have to go to jail. And the rest of the GOP is pretty openly calling for this type of crazy shit. Even the New York Times can’t ignore it anymore. And they really tried.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden on Tuesday unveiled plans to enact immediate significant restrictions on migrants seeking asylum at the U.S.-Mexico border as the White House tries to neutralize immigration as a political liability ahead of the November elections. More: AP

Judge Aileen Cannon is planning on holding a sprawling hearing on Donald Trump’s request to declare Jack Smith’s appointment as special counsel invalid, signaling the judge could be more willing than any other trial judge to veto the special prosecutor’s authority. More: CNN