Remember playing dress-up? Borrowing your mom's too-big heels, smearing on lipstick, a sparkly scarf draped just so. That's what looking in the mirror sometimes feels like as I get older – a dress-up game where the costume has become my own skin. The years have added new accessories: laugh lines, streaks of gray hair that weren't there before. Some days I love this costume, other days...not so much.

But what if I told you this aging thing isn't all doom and gloom? Imagine a screenplay scene. An older woman battles her own reflection, that inner critic whispering all her insecurities... and then a softer, wiser voice enters the fray. It's a battle of perspectives on aging, on beauty, on truly seeing the story etched into our faces. Ready to rewrite the script? Let's dive in...

[Scene: An aging woman, Saira, sits at her vanity mirror. Fine lines crease the corners of her eyes, and her once vibrant hair is now speckled with strands of silver. She sighs as her gaze lingers on her reflection.]

Saira: Honestly, sometimes I wonder where the years went. Was it only yesterday I was a carefree girl, the whole world ahead of me? Now…now I have more yesterdays behind me than ahead.

Inner Critic: (in a harsh whisper) And it shows. Crow's feet deepening with every laugh, wrinkles marking your skin like cracks in weathered stone…you're fading, Saira.

Saira: (wincing) I know that. It's hard not to compare myself to how I used to be. The vibrancy, those smoother cheeks…

Inner Critic: You aren't fooling anyone. Youth is beautiful, powerful. Now, you're just another ordinary, aging woman. You're losing your grip on what others find desirable.

Saira: (dejected) You make it sound so awful…

[A soft and warm light shimmers into the scene. A figure, a representation of Saira's inner wisdom, takes shape within it.]

Inner Wisdom: Because it isn't awful, Saira. It's the natural tapestry of a life well-lived. Each line, every strand of silver, tells a story – a story only you can weave.

Saira: A story? More like a fading, worn-out novel no one wants to pick up anymore.

Inner Critic: She's right. Look at the women on television, the magazines. You're nowhere near that picture of beauty anymore.

Inner Wisdom: Saira, the beauty they sell is an illusion. It fades as fast as the sunset. True beauty, the kind that radiates from within, cannot be purchased or bottled. Your beauty is evolving, not disappearing.

Saira: (peering closely into the mirror) But these are…flaws. The world teaches us that they must be hidden, erased, fought against.

Inner Wisdom: And the world can be terribly wrong. It's time you changed the perspective entirely. Think of those laugh lines - they are maps to the joys you've experienced. Every wrinkle speaks of worries weathered and battles won. Your silvery hair is like moonlight, serene and luminous.

Inner Critic: Pssh, nice try…but she's still getting old! It's undesirable.

Inner Wisdom: But is it just age that makes you uncomfortable? Our society puts a premium on youth, making us feel like we're constantly battling time instead of embracing it. Yet, what is so wrong about growing older?

Saira: It means…well, it means the best parts of life might be behind me. The uncertainty of what's ahead can be scary.

Inner Wisdom: Ah, but you don't see the whole picture yet. With age comes a different kind of power. You've shed the insecurities of youth. The things that rattled you before now hold less sway. You know yourself in a way a younger woman cannot. There's a serenity and a sure-footedness you didn't have before.

Saira: Serenity sometimes feels a lot like resignation. Sometimes I miss the fiery passion that fueled my younger years.

Inner Wisdom: The fire is still there, it just burns differently now. More focused, more purposeful. And resignation? Oh, my dear, that's the furthest thing from your spirit. You are simply getting better at choosing where to ignite that flame of yours.

Inner Critic: I suppose. But no one is denying the physical changes… the aches and pains, the body that doesn't always perform like it used to.

Inner Wisdom: True, your body is changing. Yet, think of how it has served you! Carried you, nurtured you... perhaps even created life itself. Those aches are echoes of a life lived to the fullest. This body you call flawed is a vessel of incredible strength and resilience.

Saira: I…I never quite saw it that way.

Inner Wisdom: And that's why a change in perspective is so important. Every so-called "flaw" is a testament to your journey. When you look into this mirror, I hope you no longer see someone diminished by time, but rather, someone who has blossomed because of it.

The conversation in my head still goes around in circles sometimes. But the harshness? That's softened. These days, when I glance in the mirror, I often think about the little girl playing dress-up all those years ago. I'd like to tell her that this costume, the one earned with laughter, tears, and all the moments in-between, is pretty spectacular in its own way. It's not the ending of her story, just a change in scenes. Maybe with more wrinkles, but definitely more wisdom as well.

I’d love to hear from you! Click the button below to share your perspective on any of the questions below:

1. What are some "flaws" you've learned to love about yourself as you've grown older?

2. Do you think society places too much value on youthfulness? Why or why not?

3. What's one thing you appreciate more about yourself now than you did when you were younger?

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The bond between a mother and her daughter is a tapestry woven with threads of love, expectation, joy, and sometimes, a lingering ache. It is a relationship that echoes through generations, a dance of mirroring and divergence. A mother is a daughter's first role model, her initial window into the world of womanhood. Whether this bond is a source of unwavering support or a field of unspoken tensions, it undeniably shapes a woman's understanding of herself.

From early moments of shared laughter and secrets to the inevitable clashes of perspectives, the mother-daughter relationship is in constant flux. It can be a haven, offering unconditional love and understanding. Yet, it can also be a battleground, where inherited patterns, unspoken desires, and subconscious comparisons ignite friction. This intricate dynamic has the power to mold and even wound, influencing a woman's sense of identity, her relationships with others, and ultimately, the way she navigates her own journey.

Perhaps the greatest gift a mother can bestow upon her daughter is the unwavering belief in her potential. My mother, through her quiet confidence and unwavering support, instilled in me a sense of possibility. Her belief ignited a fire within, a conviction that propelled me against self-doubt and into a life lived on my own terms.

The greatest gift I got from my mother was her belief that I would make a GREAT mother to my daughter.

Shortly after I had my daughter in 2016, my mom gifted me with gold bangles. Not just any ol’ gold bangles, but ones that she received from my dad shortly after they got married. She’d worn them ever since then, not removing them for anything. My siblings and I grew up with those bangles on her arms, forever associating them with our mother.

So when she removed them from herself and put them on me, I was bawling out of shock and intense gratitude. I recall questioning her out of disbelief, “Ma, why are you giving them to ME??” because honestly I’d deemed myself to be unworthy of such a precious gift. I mean, these bangles were 40+ years old and an important memento of the love that her and my dad, who passed away when I was 18, shared for each other.

Her response back to me is something I will forever hold in my heart

Hearing this from her filled me with a certainty that I’d never felt before in my life; it helped me find my bearing during a time when I felt completely lost and alone. I haven’t taken those bangles off since that day - well, airport security doesn’t count since these things always set off the metal detectors! - because I consider them to be a source of immense power in my life. The power of Love.

My relationship with my mom has gone through ups and downs, similar to any other mother-daughter relationship I imagine. I am 1 of 7 kids; number 5 in that lineup, and youngest of 4 daughters so I experienced a different mom than my sisters did. She was still a fiery woman with high expectations of me, but nothing compared to what my older siblings had experienced, which I’m grateful for LOL

I wasn’t super rebellious as a kid but I had strong opinions on how I wanted to live my life, opinions that at many times were at odds with what my mother wanted for me.

My college years were a bit tumultuous, emotionally, largely due to the fact that my family and I were trying to find our center after my father passed away. My mother was learning how to live without the love of her life, while trying to figure out how or by whom the large hole my father left would be filled. It was during this time that I decided to venture out into the world by myself to see what I was made of.

I decided I wanted to spend 3 months abroad in Tokyo, Japan during my final year in college. To date I’d only traveled (around the world) with family so the thought of me traveling solo, so far from home, was part exhilarating and part terrifying. My mom was dead set against it from the first time I opened my mouth about it, holding fast to her belief that I needed to stay close to home and focus on my studies. After some cajoling from other family members, she begrudgingly gave me her blessing for the trip.

During the long trip of planes, trains, and automobiles to Tokyo, I was proud of myself for being as put together and level-headed as I was. But the minute I opened the door to my teeny tiny Japanese room, it seems that the facade I’d been putting up for the past 20+ hours came crashing down. I broke down intensely, bawling out of control and the only call I wanted to make was to my mother. The phone rang a few times before she picked up, and I immediately cried to her that I wanted to come home. I recall an almost stone-coldness to her voice when she spoke to me that night, which could have been taken as her being a callous mother. But the words she said to me at that moment instantly stopped my tears and brought me to a halt.

Whether she meant to or not, her words filled me with an empowerment that made me sit up straighter and wipe away the tears from my face. She was right, I was the one that wanted to do this so I had to be the one to figure out how to see it through. That night in 1999, I learned that I am responsible for my own decisions and have the power to make my life what I want it to be.

That moment became a mantra in my life, a silent promise echoing every time I faced uncertainty, which was further charged by the moment my mom gifted her gold bangles to me. Those bangles have journeyed with me through the triumphs and heartbreaks of motherhood. They clink softly against my keyboard as I chase deadlines, offering a silent reminder of my mother's belief on long, exhausting nights. They gleam under playground lights as I bandage scraped knees, a tangible connection to the unconditional support I strive to give my own daughter.

My mother and I still have our moments of friction, born from the intricate dance of generational differences and our own unique temperaments. However, the tension feels less like a battleground and more like a well-worn path navigated with growing understanding. That path has led me to realize her seemingly harsh words on the phone that night weren't a lack of empathy. They were the ultimate act of faith – in my strength, my resilience, and my inherent ability to rise.

Today, when I look into those bright, curious eyes of my daughter, I am determined to pass on the legacy of belief my mother gifted to me. It's a belief rooted in the knowledge that she's capable, that she holds immense possibilities within herself. Just as my mother’s confidence ignited a flame within me, I want my daughter to know that I will always be there, cheering her on and holding a torch for her, even on her darkest days.

The bangles are a beautiful symbol, but the true inheritance, the most precious gift, is far more powerful. It's the unwavering belief in a daughter's potential and the transformative impact that belief has, rippling across generations and shaping the women we become.

I’d love to hear from you! Click the button below to share your perspective on any of the questions below:

1. What's a precious object that holds the legacy of your mother (or a mother figure) for you? 

2. Have you ever had a moment where tough love from your mother turned out to be the best medicine? 

3. How do you instill a strong sense of belief and possibility in your daughter (or the young women in your life)? 

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I recently made a TikTok video which went viral, and even though this is supposed to make any content creator jump for joy, I didn’t.

In the video, I critiqued a Maybelline commercial that (surprise! surprise!) relies on age-related narratives to sell makeup. The commercial features Mindy Kaling, a beautiful and talented actress. In the commercial, she's called "ma'am" by a stranger, and she clearly feels self-conscious about it. The implication is that being called "ma'am" is a sign of aging, and that aging is something to be ashamed of. The commercial then goes on to show how Maybelline products can help Kaling look and feel younger.

In my TikTok, I called out the commercial for its ageist message. I argued that Maybelline is playing on women's insecurities about aging in order to sell products. I thought my message would resonate with other women who are tired of being told that their worth diminishes as they get older.

@grayloxx

#greenscreenvideo @Maybelline New York you know what you’re doing here and it’s gross Ma’am is a shortened version of “madam” which was u... See more

To my surprise, the video did resonate with A LOT of people. But unfortunately, the comments section quickly turned ugly. Instead of focusing on the ageist message within the commercial, many commenters fixated on my visible reaction to being called "ma'am." The backlash made me realize something disheartening: a significant portion of the public misunderstands, or worse, supports the very ageism I was critiquing.

Breakdown of the comments section

Here's why I think the commenters were missing the point:

1. The Shaming Power of a Single Word

The comments were rife with statements like, "Isn't 'ma'am' just a term of respect?" or "You're overreacting." While some commenters were likely genuine in their questions, others aimed to diminish my critique. The issue, however, isn't the word itself - I myself call women ‘ma’am’ as a way of showing respect - but the way it's weaponized by a large beauty brand to target and shame aging women.

In the context of the Maybelline commercial, "ma'am" stings. It's a calculated jab at Kaling's age, a way to signal that she's supposedly lost her desirability. This is a common experience for many women as they age; a subtle verbal shift marks a perceived decline in femininity and social value.

2. Ageism: Not Just a Commercial Problem

The comments proved that ageism isn't just a marketing tactic; it's deeply ingrained within society. It's woven into how some people talk to and perceive women who are older. There was a pervasive dismissal of the commercial's harmful message as though age-based insecurity is somehow a woman's fault and not a product of constant social conditioning.

The beauty industry relentlessly profits off the fear of aging. We're constantly reminded that youthfulness is synonymous with beauty and worth. This message is destructive because it undermines the natural aging process and makes women feel like they're constantly failing to meet an impossible standard.

3. The Power of Choice in Aging

It's important to remember that aging is a natural part of life, and how we choose to experience it is ultimately up to us. We can succumb to the pressure to fight every wrinkle or we can celebrate the wisdom and experience of growing older. The truth is, there's beauty in all stages of life, and we deserve to embrace them.

4. We Can Change the Conversation

Many of the comments on my video echoed society's obsession with women's looks and the relentless judgment placed on our aging bodies. This obsession fuels the very system I was criticizing. We can challenge these outdated narratives and reshape the conversation about aging. Instead of focusing on our supposed flaws, let's highlight the power of experience, the courage of vulnerability, and the beauty of growing older.

5. Driving a Deeper Divide

The surprising backlash against my video exposed another troubling layer to this issue. Many comments revealed a fear of 'offending' women with terms like "ma'am" because of a perceived connection to age. This strange overcorrection highlights a dangerous effect of commercials like these. They don't just target women's insecurities about aging, they create a social minefield where men might feel fearful of interacting with women at all in case they say the 'wrong' thing. This reinforces a divide between the sexes and fuels an atmosphere of unnecessary tension instead of promoting understanding and respect.

6. What You Can Do

We have the opportunity to challenge the ageist messages that constantly surround us. Start by being aware of the subtle and overt ways ageism operates, from casual comments to multi-billion dollar marketing campaigns. Call it out when you see it. More importantly, celebrate aging in yourself and others. Let's collectively reframe the story we tell about women and the aging process.

The ugliness of those comments might have been disheartening, but they also revealed something important: we have work to do. We need a massive shift in how we talk about and appreciate aging women. Let's start that shift together.

I’d love to hear from you! Click the button below to share your perspective on any of the questions below:

1. Have you ever been made to feel insecure about your age by advertising, comments from others, or even your own inner critic? Share your experiences.

2. What are some positive ways we can change the way we talk about aging and empower women to embrace all stages of life?

3. How can we support and uplift older women in our lives and communities?

At this point in my life, I fully believe (through experience) that change is constant and that all holes/gaps/empty spaces either made naturally or not, will always get filled up again with something else. So when I wonder “How would our modern society look without the youth-based beauty standards we are all forced to succumb to?”, I don’t let myself get too hopeful because I believe that it would be replaced by some other toxic belief imposed on us.

But that hasn’t stopped me from still wondering. This is why I asked my partner, Gemini, to help me paint this fictitious future as a fun mental exercise. Below is what Gemini responded with when I asked what the world would be like without anti-aging beauty treatments. It’s a thought-provoking exercise that can help us reflect on our current relationship with beauty, aging, and the pursuit of youthfulness. Enjoy!

A world without anti-aging beauty treatments would certainly feel different, with the impact manifesting in several ways:

Appearance:

• More visible signs of aging: Without Botox, fillers, and other procedures, wrinkles, fine lines, and sagging skin would likely be more prominent and appear earlier in life.

• Greater diversity in appearance: There would be a wider range of visible physical aging, reflecting individual genetics, lifestyle choices, and environmental factors. This could lead to a more diverse and realistic representation of beauty standards.

• Potentially increased focus on natural beauty: With less emphasis on anti-aging procedures, there might be a shift towards appreciating individual beauty as it naturally evolves with age.

Societal impact:

• Reduced pressure to conform to youthful beauty standards: The societal pressure to maintain a perpetually youthful appearance could lessen, potentially leading to more acceptance and celebration of aging.

• Shift in focus from appearance to other aspects of worth: Without the emphasis on anti-aging treatments, individuals might value and be judged more on their skills, achievements, and other personal qualities.

• Potential economic shifts: The beauty industry, particularly the segment focused on anti-aging treatments, would likely decline. However, resources might be redirected towards other areas like preventative healthcare and wellness.

• Ageism: Age discrimination could become more prevalent, with older adults potentially facing challenges in employment, relationships, and even social acceptance.

Individual impact:

• Increased body positivity: Individuals might feel less pressure to conform to unrealistic beauty standards and be more comfortable in their own skin at any age.

• Focus on healthy aging: Without relying on cosmetic interventions, people might be more proactive in adopting healthy lifestyle practices for overall well-being and longevity.

• Greater focus on inner beauty and personal growth: With less emphasis on the physical, individuals might invest more energy in personal development, mental health, and building fulfilling relationships.

Cultural impact:

• Decline of the "youth culture": The obsession with youth and youthful appearances could fade, leading to a more balanced appreciation of all ages and life stages.

• Changes in advertising and media: The marketing and media landscape might shift away from bombarding people with images of wrinkle-free perfection and focus more on promoting positive aging and celebrating diversity.

• Emphasis on well-being: The focus on external beauty might be replaced by a greater emphasis on overall health and well-being, with people prioritizing healthy lifestyles and preventative care.

Economical impact:

• Loss in the beauty industry: The anti-aging beauty industry is a multi-billion dollar market, and its disappearance would lead to job losses and economic repercussions.

• Rise of alternative industries: New industries could emerge to cater to the needs of aging populations, such as those providing support services, specialized healthcare, and products for mature consumers.

• Increased focus on preventative care: With people more conscious of the natural aging process, there could be a greater investment in preventative healthcare and healthy aging initiatives.

It's important to note that these are just potential scenarios, and the actual impact of a world without anti-aging treatments would be complex and multifaceted. Ultimately, the absence of these treatments might lead to a more authentic and accepting world, where people are valued for who they are, not just how they look.

Of course, it's also possible that some form of anti-aging technology would still exist, just in a more accessible or equitable form, leading to a world where the benefits of such treatments are not limited to the wealthy or privileged.

Ultimately, the question of what a world without anti-aging treatments would be like is open to speculation and debate.

It’s interesting that Gemini says “age discrimination could become more prevalent” as I thought the opposite would be true if we are deprioritizing youth-based beauty standards so I asked, “would this still be potentially true in a society that celebrates aging?” Below is the response I received:

That's a great question! In a society that truly celebrates aging, age discrimination would likely be less prevalent, but it might not disappear entirely. Here's why:

• Subtle Biases: Even with a conscious effort to value aging, unconscious biases based on appearance or stereotypes could still linger. For example, someone might see an older adult and subconsciously associate them with being less tech-savvy, even if that's not true.

• Focus on Different Qualities: A celebration of aging might emphasize wisdom and experience, but some workplaces might still prioritize other qualities like physical stamina or the ability to quickly learn new skills. This could lead to a different kind of age bias, favoring older adults for some roles but not others.

• Generational Differences: Even with a cultural shift, there might be some tension between generations. Younger generations might not fully understand the challenges faced by older adults, and vice versa.

However, a society that celebrates aging would have a significant advantage:

• Open Dialogue: A more open conversation about aging and its realities could help dismantle stereotypes and unconscious biases.

• Focus on Ability: The emphasis would be on individual skills and contributions, not chronological age. This could lead to a more meritocratic system where experience is valued alongside other qualities.

• Multigenerational Workplaces: Companies that embrace diversity could create teams with a mix of ages, fostering collaboration and knowledge transfer between generations.

Ultimately, the possibility of age discrimination in a society that celebrates aging depends on how deeply that celebration is ingrained. With conscious effort and open communication, a world that values older adults could see a significant decrease in ageism.

What I took away from this is “yes we could still find age discrimination or other new forms of discrimination because we are Human” LOL.

The natural question to ask next, for me at least, was “Is there any culture currently in the world that values inner beauty over physical appearance?”. Here’s the response I received:

There are cultures that place more emphasis on inner qualities alongside physical appearance:

• Some religions: Islam, for example, emphasizes modesty and inner qualities like compassion and generosity.

• Cultures with arranged marriages: Here, compatibility and family background might be valued more than physical attraction in choosing a partner.

I had a really strong reaction to that response, so strong that I had to take a break for a day before coming back to finish this post. Let me explain.

Through my culture, I’ve had experiences with both and they weren’t altogether positive. I was raised as a Pakistani Muslim, so Islamic teachings were a fundamental part of my upbringing. Being South Asian, the notion of having an arranged marriage was as normal as eating peanut butter and jelly together in a sandwich. Why I was triggered is because:

1. The Islamic emphasis on modesty seemed to be more heavily monitored for women, to ensure that no aspect of their physical beauty could be seen in the world. I recall being told by strangers (men AND women) that too much of my hair was showing through from my head covering and constantly being berated by my mother for wearing inappropriate clothing like a sleeveless shirt.

2. Yes, there is a strong emphasis on family background and compatibility when exploring an arranged marriage, but the true beneficiaries of the lack of emphasis on physical beauty is again, men. I have heard and been the subject of conversations where a woman’s physical attributes were being discussed at great length when deciding on an ideal match. The most important trait in these discussions was the color of her skin - the fairer her skin color, the more valuable she was to the man’s family.

Clearly, there’s more healing I need to do in this space but I know that conceptually Islam and arranged marriages could be great if practiced right, but again, we are Human. We have a tendency to screw shit up 🤪 

I’d love to hear from you! Click the button below to share your perspective on any of the questions below:

1. Do you think a society that celebrates aging could still have age discrimination? Why or why not?

2. Can you think of any examples from your own culture where inner beauty is valued alongside physical appearance? Are there any potential downsides to this approach?

3. Imagine a world without anti-aging treatments. What positive or negative changes do you foresee in your own life?

One-third of my daughter’s Christmas wish list was shoes (different iterations of Nike’s), the other third was clothes (thankfully not all pink) and the last third was beauty products for her “skin routine”. She is 7 years old.

While watching me get ready during the days when wearing makeup was part of my daily routine, she would ask me to apply some powder to her face with my brush. I would pretend to sweep the brush across the face powder before placing a gentle swipe on her marshmallow cheeks. She would leave the room beaming. This progressed to her wanting play makeup kits which we would get for her, leading to loads of adorable photo/video ops of her covering her face in bright pink or purple or orange colors.

May 2020 - Turning herself into Tiki, from the TV show “Miraculous Lady Bug”

My one rule was that all makeup was for in-house fun only, not for outside time. This rule wasn’t set in stone but it was my attempt at letting her know that makeup for her NOW was more like an art project. Call me paranoid, but I think there is a fine line between makeup being fun and makeup being “mandatory”, especially for young girls.

I grew up with a mother who never said I was beautiful and would speak negatively about the looks of women who had similar features as mine, which is why I want my daughter to grow up with a mother who recognizes her beauty and verbally acknowledges it. So then why did I purchase beauty products for her at such a young age?

The short answer is I suppose I don’t want to come across as a mother who doesn’t cater to the interests of her child. Parenting is mostly about constantly walking a fine line between disciplining/guiding and traumatizing/alienating your kids. Also, mostly all adult issues are tracked back to the relationship one has had with their mother, so no pressure right?

I’ve had a persnickety relationship with makeup (and beauty in general) for the majority of my life so it felt hypocritical, standing in Sephora with her as she browsed the beautifully arranged cases of beauty products that even I wouldn’t consider for myself. Here I was, the product of a mother who chipped away at my self-esteem with backhanded compliments and critiques of other women's appearances, now wading into these very same waters with my own daughter. The truth is, I was terrified of messing it all up.

The marketing, of course, doesn’t help. It's relentless. Glittering displays in stores, cartoon characters with impossibly long eyelashes hawking "magical" lip balms, YouTube stars with airbrushed faces giggling over highlighter palettes – it's a constant barrage designed to make makeup seem essential, a shortcut to happiness and popularity.

But what message does that send to a 7 yr-old? That her natural beauty falls short? That without a dab of blush and a sprinkle of glitter, she's somehow incomplete? It's a message that is persistently spread to women of ALL ages and I refuse to endorse it. Not just for my daughter, but for myself as well which seems to be harder to do as I grow older and get further away from the traditional, youth-based standards of beauty.

Instead, I want to cultivate a different kind of beauty in my daughter, one rooted in self-acceptance and confidence. I want her to see makeup as an accessory, a fun way to express herself creatively, not a requirement.

This doesn't mean a complete ban, of course. There's something undeniably playful about smearing on bright colors and pretending to be a superhero or putting on long, fake nails and clickety-clacking them on tabletops. It's about striking a balance. For example, given her new fascination with face-masks and skin tonics, I decided to teach her how to make cocoa powder face masks (can’t go wrong with yummy chocolate on your face) and coconut water-infused face-mask sheets. This gave me the opportunity to teach her the benefits of natural ingredients vs. the harm that chemicals in store-bought products can cause to her delicate skin, while also passing down traditions of the women in my own family who used to make beauty treatments like sugar-honey wax to remove body hair #witchyvibes

All of this is balanced with a daily focus on healthy habits like sleep, good nutrition, and spending time outdoors. Instead of dismissing her interest in her physical appearance by saying she’s too young for all that right now, I tell her about how getting high-quality sleep is the best thing ever for fresh glowing skin in the morning, and how playing outside for an hour a day will help her build a strong mind and body which will help her do so many things in her everyday life.

The conversations will get more complex as she gets older. The pressure to conform to unrealistic beauty standards will intensify. That's when open communication becomes crucial. I want her to feel comfortable asking questions, voicing insecurities, and knowing that her worth isn't tied to the color of her lipstick.

The key, I realize, is choice. It's about empowering my daughter to decide when and how she wants to express herself, makeup or not. It's about fostering an environment where she feels beautiful in her natural skin, a foundation far more valuable than any store-bought product. I recently decided to stop wearing makeup in my everyday life. This choice was easier to make after having rocked my white hair for a few years now but it’s been challenging at times to sustain, especially on those mornings where I’ve had garbage sleep and woke up to a face that looks as fresh as a week-old salad.

But this isn't just about makeup, of course. It's about the broader societal messages girls face – the pressure to be thin, to dress a certain way, to conform to a narrow definition of beauty. It's about raising a daughter who values her mind, her talents, and her strength just as much as her appearance.

It won't be easy. There will be slip-ups, moments of insecurity, and the ever-present influence of media. But by fostering open communication, celebrating her natural beauty, and leading by example, I hope to equip her with the tools to navigate this complex world with confidence and self-love.

I know that she is watching me intently, has been from the day she was born, and taking some important cues from me. So if I want her to be confident and feel beautiful in her skin/hair/body, I need to do that with myself FIRST.

I’d love to hear from you!

1. Share your experience! Did you have a similar experience navigating the beauty industry with your child or a young person? How did you approach makeup and self-image with them?

2. What are your concerns? What aspects of the beauty industry worry you the most in regards to young girls?

3. Let's swap tips! Do you have any strategies or advice for fostering a healthy body image and self-esteem in young girls? What are some creative ways to encourage self-expression that don't involve makeup?

She looks at her with a kindness that has been practiced over many years, though still lacking in authenticity. The older matriarch strokes her cheek with soft yet cold fingers before the younger woman is led away to prepare for the ceremony.

At the ceremony, the older matriarch holds a proud, closed-mouth smile while watching the younger woman innocently complete the last formal rites of the wedding. She gazes at her son, searching to see if he still possesses the strength he will need to fulfill the final steps of his duty. As the couple walk towards her, you can see the slight shift in her facial expression from proud mother to powerful queen. The mask has now been fully removed as she orders the young princess to be tossed into the dark chasm, to meet her untimely death as a sacrifice to protect the kingdom from impending doom.

Apologies for the dramatic start, but this collection of scenes from the movie “Damsel” on Netflix brought to mind for me the cruelty that women can show to each other. I have seen and heard of many women figuratively toss other women into dark chasms as sacrifices for a ‘greater good’. Whether it be older female bosses cutting down their younger female employees, mothers overly criticizing their daughters, or girlfriends back-biting each other. As I’ve gotten older, I have a better philosophical understanding of this phenomenon but I still (maybe foolishly) believe that women can and should be each other’s most ardent champions.

The myth of women being morally superior to men is a belief that women are inherently kinder, more compassionate, and less prone to violence than men. This stereotype has existed throughout history and can be found in various forms:

• The "Madonna-Whore Complex": This idea portrays women as either virginal and pure (Madonna) or sinful and tempting (whore). It suggests women who don't fit the "Madonna" role are somehow morally inferior.

• Women as Peacemakers: This view associates women with nurturing and relationship-building, suggesting they're naturally inclined towards peace and diplomacy. While women can excel in these areas, it doesn't mean men are incapable.

Here are some modern examples of women who shatter the myth of female moral superiority:

• Corporate Crime: Elizabeth Holmes, Theranos: Holmes was the founder of Theranos, a company that falsely claimed to have revolutionized blood testing technology. Her actions resulted in defrauding investors and potentially harming patients.

• Political Corruption: Imelda Marcos: The former First Lady of the Philippines, Imelda Marcos, is known for her extravagant lifestyle while millions of Filipinos lived in poverty. She and her husband, Ferdinand Marcos, were accused of embezzling billions of dollars during their regime.

• War Crimes: Ratko Mladić's Inner Circle: During the Bosnian War, several women, including Biljana Plavšić and Radmila Milošević, played significant roles in the ethnic cleansing and atrocities committed by Serb forces.

• Financial Crimes: Ruth Madoff: Wife of Bernie Madoff, the architect of the largest Ponzi scheme in history, Ruth Madoff played a role in the operation. While the extent of her knowledge is debated, she was sentenced to prison for her involvement.

I used to believe that Women were a safe space for me - Men are dangerous and I need to be wary of them always but women, there is no need for such walls to be built up against them. So I used to believe.

Over the course of my life I too have felt the cruelty of women, and it caused a pain much sharper and deeper than one any man has caused. I guess this is because of my once fundamental belief that all women were part of an unspoken sisterhood that would always look out for one another. I now know that it was foolish of me to think that way.

The boss who hated me

My boss at my first job out of college was an older woman, tall in stature and commanding by nature. I feared and respected her; I wanted to please her, so that she would take me under her wing and protect me against all the big bad men that outnumbered us in our organization. But that never happened.

Her harshness towards me was covered up by a sing -song voice, and a bright wide smile that she would carry on her face while speaking to me. She used to make me feel as if I could never do anything right and as such, would watch my every move. Try to listen to every conversation I had with my colleagues. It didn’t hit me until much later and after speaking to a few folks about this, that she saw me as competition. That still makes no sense to me, to this day, because that was the furthest thing out of my mind then. I saw her as someone I wanted to aspire to be, not someone I wanted to replace.

The best friend who wanted her…ring…kissed

I used to date this man who had a female best friend. That wasn’t weird to me because I myself had a lot of guy friends, actually I preferred it that way. What was weird to me is that one day my then-boyfriend told me that his friend was unhappy with me. Perplexed, I asked why - I’d only spoken to her once over the phone and it was to introduce myself. Turns out that was the exact problem she had with me. She told him that she’d expected me to try harder to befriend her given the status she held with him. I was so confused by this, I truly didn’t compute.

My thinking was that she’s HIS friend, so what does that have to do with ME. Needless to say, she made it hard for him to hang out with me when she was around.

Now don’t get me wrong…

I’ve doled out my own fair share of cruelty to other women, whether I realized it or not -

• Secretly going out with my girl friends ex-boyfriends or current crushes

• Talking shit about women behind their backs to gain favors from one crew or the other

• Scarlet Lettering women who showed the least bit of sexual freedom

I am equally a part of this system as are those women inflicted me with their cruelty. But as I’m aging, I’m realizing that this is not who I want to be anymore. I want to be a champion for the people, for other women because why not?

To help with this journey, I’ve started reading “Woman’s Inhumanity to Woman” by Phyllis Chesler. I’m a few pages in but already I’m feeling a lot of deep seated emotions rising. Memories are crawling out like shadows from a cave, not just of the acts committed against me by women, but my own acts against other women. I’m ashamed, angry, sad, and yet hopeful. I know for a fact that once I can heal myself and get closer to the core of who I really am, I will become a much better person for the world around me. And that includes being a better sister for the greater sisterhood.

I’d love to hear from you!

• Share Your Story: Have you ever experienced cruelty from another woman? How did it affect you?

• Breaking the Cycle: What are some ways we can challenge the stereotype of women being inherently kind and work towards supporting each other more?

• Building Each Other Up: Who is a woman who inspires you with her strength and compassion? How can we celebrate and learn from these women?

It took me 2 months to finish reading “Face It”, which is a pretty ridiculous timeline for me because I typically finish books in a week or so. The reason it took me so long to finish it is that after getting halfway through the book, I decided to go back and restart it. I did that because I realized the book deserved more of my attention than I was giving it, that’s how powerful of a read it was for me, and I wanted to not just READ the book but give myself enough time and space to STUDY what was coming up for me while doing so.

I’ve asked Gemini AI to help write up a formal review of the book (my continued practice in prompt engineering while having fun pushing the boundaries with my writing) but first, let me share my personal perspective on this book.

I highly recommend “Face It'“ for all women because of the wealth of insight presented here. More specifically, what resonated with me was the number of stories shared from other women’s experiences. It hit me that it’s rare for women to share these kinds of personal stories with one another. I grew up in a household with 4 women who were older than me - my mom and 3 older sisters - and even though I had a wealth of knowledge within my reach, we never really shared these kinds of things. Whether it was just life getting in the way, or not wanting to share such personal feelings/anxieties with one another as to maintain some level of outward confidence, all I know is that it’s such a shame that we didn’t.

Dr. Vivian Diller and Dr. Jill Muir-Sukenick (former models turned psychotherapists) filled these pages with stories of women from all walks of life, some my age which helped me make a little more sense of the feelings I’m feeling now, and some older than me which is helping me understand what I may feel or experience in my future. It’s strange to think that reading the stories of many women unknown to me will & has helped me learn a bit more about myself, but that’s exactly what this experience was for me.

I remember earlier in my career I was seeking a female executive who could be a mentor to me, but I wasn’t successful in finding one because every female executive I came across didn’t seem to possess the qualities I was searching for, essentially a woman in command of herself and her environment while leading with a soft heart. Every female executive I encountered ended up being just like the male leaders I saw in the corporate world and I felt disheartened. I wanted to see an example of what I wanted to become when I was older - a leader who wasn’t just ruthlessly focused on the bottom line but someone who was a champion of people first, who saw strength in using their heart over their mind, a woman who could be soft when it counted yet firm when it was needed. I didn’t find her.

One day I shared this desire with a male manager of mine, and what he said opened my mind in the most beautiful way. He told me to become the example that I’m looking for. If I couldn’t one person who embodied every quality I was searching for, pay attention to those around me who may be showing one or two qualities and focus on that. That was the day, probably less than a decade ago, that I started to believe that I didn’t need to do leadership like the examples I was seeing around me, and I started “collecting” female AND male examples of leaders who exhibited the leadership qualities I wanted to further cultivate for myself.

This is what “Face It” has done for me; I haven’t found one single example of a female approaching aging the way I want to but with this book, I have found many who are doing their best to make sense of this inevitable yet still scary life phenomenon.

Now without further adieu, please see the formal book review written by Gemini AI. Enjoy!

Face the Reality, Not Just the Mirror: A Review of "Face It"

"Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change and What to Do about It" by Vivian Diller and Jill Muir-Sukenick is more than just a beauty guide; it's a compassionate exploration of the emotional rollercoaster women navigate as their appearances evolve. Authors Diller, a former model turned therapist, and Muir-Sukenick, a psychologist, weave their unique perspectives to tackle the "Beauty Paradox" – the conflicting societal messages that tell us looks don't matter, yet elevate youth and beauty as our currency.

The book's strength lies in its honest portrayal of the often-unacknowledged anxieties women face. From the first "uh-oh" moment of noticing a wrinkle to the grief of losing youthful vibrancy, Diller and Muir-Sukenick normalize these feelings, offering a safe space for vulnerability. They delve deeper, challenging the cultural narratives that tie our self-worth to our physical appearance.

Instead of suggesting quick fixes or cosmetic solutions, "Face It" embarks on a transformative journey. The authors present a six-step program, encouraging readers to identify their personal "masks" (the facades we wear to hide insecurities), confront the underlying messages about beauty they've internalized, and ultimately redefine what it means to be beautiful at any age.

While the book primarily addresses the experiences of women, its message resonates with anyone grappling with the anxieties of aging and societal expectations. The authors' empathetic tone and insightful exercises create a supportive space for personal reflection and growth.

However, "Face It" isn't without limitations. The focus on internal work might feel lacking for those seeking practical advice on makeup or skincare. Additionally, the book's emphasis on individual change can overlook the systemic issues that contribute to beauty insecurity.

Despite these limitations, "Face It" remains a valuable resource for women navigating the emotional terrain of aging. It offers a refreshing antidote to the superficiality of beauty culture, encouraging readers to embrace their authentic selves and find beauty in every stage of life. With its insightful blend of personal stories, psychological expertise, and practical exercises, "Face It" is a powerful reminder that true beauty lies not in the mirror, but in the heart and mind.

Recommendation: Highly recommended for women of all ages seeking to untangle the complexities of aging and beauty, and build a more positive and empowered relationship with their appearance.

This book provided me with something that I didn’t have in real life; valuable information in the way of real women’s experience with aging! So please get a copy for yourself. I got mine from Amazon.

“I’ve always wanted a nose job, and now that the kids are all grown up, I think I’ll get one”

“I’ve never been happy with my thinning hair and I got a hair transplant consultation but they said I wasn’t bald enough yet”

I was having a conversation with two women in their 50s. Beautiful women. Accomplished women. Worldly women. Women who weren’t entirely happy with their appearance, and hadn’t been for a while.

It was the most honest & vulnerable conversation I’d had with these women, whom I’ve known for a majority of my life, and I couldn’t help but be proud of myself. Why, you ask? Because through this conversation, I realized how much I’ve grown as a human being.

In my younger days, I was an extremely judgemental person who strived to view the world in the blackest and whitest ways possible. I needed everything to fall into one bucket or the other, with no room for gray, because I refused to expend too much mental energy on accepting the complexities of life and the world. In the pursuit of a low mental load in my daily life, I relished bucketing people, experiences, and events in elementary classifications like good or bad, easy or hard, etc.

I cringed while typing that out but it’s true. If not said it out loud to her at that moment, I certainly would have walked away from the conversation thinking it. Back then if I heard any woman speak about some perceived deficiency in her looks, I automatically bucketed them in the “insecure” category and looked down upon them.

But today when speaking with these women, the conversation was vastly different. I offered up information like “S. Korea has become a hot destination for cosmetic surgery!” and “I found a great package in Turkey that will set you up with 5-star accommodation while recovering from the hair transplant!”. I was able to empathize with them vs. bogging them down with my criticism. What brought about this change?

It has everything to do with my acceptance of my looks, and how I feel about my aging self. The kindness and grace that I’m able to give myself has somehow helped me be more accepting of people and where they are in their journey with their looks. What has helped bring this about is the way many women interact with me after seeing my white hair. Immediately they speak about how it looks fantastic on me but they’d never be able to pull it off, and this is followed by a myriad of reasons which I listen to with patience now, instead of seething judgment. Sometimes I respond with “you’ll never know until you give it a try” but more often than not, I find myself replying with “it’s all good, you should do what helps you feel most comfortable with yourself”.

Yes, yes I have, and thank goodness for it! The world needs more tolerance and less judgment; what better place to start than with myself? This newfound mindset, though, brought about another area of opportunity for me: practicing the building and maintenance of boundaries.

I’ve spent the majority of my life deriving value from the level of service I can provide to those around me. A less favorable term for this is “people pleasing”. Now at the heart of it, wanting to help those you love or those you don’t is a quality I wish more people had. Being of service to the people around you is certainly noble and can provide one with valuable perspective, but the way I was doing it was not entirely healthy for me. I deliberately downplayed who I was to make myself mesh with the people around me. I dimmed my light to help others shine brightly with theirs. No one asked me to do this; I truly believed that this was my purpose in the world, to uplift others with me as the rung for them to step on.

What my journey of self-acceptance through my aging hair has taught me, is that I can STILL uplift others around me, but instead of being the rung for them to step on, I can be the hand that lifts them to my higher level which then further elevates me - what an amazing cycle to be a part of!

This is made possible by being able to build and maintain important boundaries which I was never able to do well. Either I completely cut people out of my life, if they hurt me in some way, or I overinvested in relationships that showed even the slightest bit of favor toward me. I functioned in the “either-or”, not in the “and” where I believe true fulfillment lies.

Today I am better able to hold love for people, even if I have felt hurt by them in some way, while establishing and maintaining physical and/or emotional distance from them. There’s still more work I need to do here (i.e. I want to further decrease the time it takes me to experience the hurt, process it, and then release it) but I’m very proud of what I have achieved thus far.

Here are some things I started pondering while writing this post, & hope you will find them helpful:

1. How would I approach a situation where someone I love or hold near & dear to me wanted to do something that I didn’t agree with or think was good for them?

   Being humans in a world with other humans means that we will always face situations where someone is doing something that we won’t agree with. Thinking or wanting to believe otherwise is just madness. With that said, I’ve had the good fortune of having many such experiences. And 99.9% of the time I’d always reacted with anger, disbelief (at my perception of their lack of rationalism), and other non-productive behavior related to feelings of superiority over others. I thought I always knew best because I had greater insight into their situation than they did - the power of the third person’s perspective - but even if that were true, lording that over someone is hardly ever the right move in my opinion now.

   I’ve spent a good portion of my life being a “fixer” which comes very naturally to me. If someone brings even a smidgen of a problem to my attention, I automatically go into solution-finding mode. It’s actually one of my superpowers but when it comes to building & maintaining healthy human relationships, it’s not always a great thing because many times people just want to be heard, not fixed. Having learned that the hard way, I now practice two things:

   1. Purely listening - when someone is sharing their problems with me, I refrain from speaking & provide cues that I’m present & engaged

   2. Setting boundaries - I understand my limitation of not having endless patience for venting; as a fixer, I can only hear so much venting before imploding. I find ways, depending on the type of personality of the person I’m speaking with, to let folks know that I’m happy to listen but there will come a time when I will want to start presenting solutions that they might find annoying. Depending on how they react, I either continue to turn on my fix-it mode or simply disengage from the conversation

2. How do I create & maintain boundaries with people who I physically can’t (or don’t want to) distance myself from?

   Boy, do I wish I had this nailed down, LOL! But I don’t. This could be a variety of people depending on any given situation - family members on an extended trip/vacation, coworkers I interact with daily, my partner, or my child…there are many instances where physical distance would help me not have to deal with doing the hard thing of communicating my hurt or disappointment but alas life doesn’t always work that way. My heart doesn’t always work that way.

   Given that my current journey is about being able to communicate my inner world to my outer world in the most healthy way possible, I have to start with just being able to say the thing that many times feels like the scariest thing in the entire world to me. Jump out of a plane 35K feet in the air? No problem! Telling my mother that I don’t like her criticizing me for XYZ while visiting her for a week…someone please hide me in the darkest corner of the world!

   I’m working on this. It’s hard but I know that once I’m able to speak about my hurt or disappointment in a way that feels honorable to me, I truly will be able to rule (my) world!

3. Does my newfound acceptance extend beyond physical appearance, and if so, what other aspects of acceptance am I working on?

   Youthful idealism can be such a beautiful thing. I think it’s a necessary part of our modern life because it helps snap us out of our complacency as a society. For me, my youthful idealism revolved around people & their love relationships, specifically around women being mistreated by their male partners. This was largely driven by my own fears of potentially being mistreated by a male partner. I remember very clearly this one incident in my 20s when I was at a bar for a friend of a friend’s birthday celebration. The birthday girl, who I didn’t even like, was crying at the bar because her boyfriend was on the dance floor dancing with another girl. I remember asking my friend, who was actually friends with her, why they weren’t doing anything about it. They just shrugged it off, an action which I quickly bucketed into the “selfish” & “bad friend” category in my head. I then proceeded to walk up to the boyfriend, whom I had never met before, & yell at him for mistreating his girlfriend on her special day. The next day I was told by my friend that the girl was super pissed off at me, & wanted to speak to me about this. A day later I found myself on a 4-way call with my friend, the girl & her friend, listening to them tell me how rude I was, that I should have minded my own business, & that I ruined her birthday. The entire time (I remember I was in the middle of a 3-hour drive back to Austin from Houston) I was biting my tongue because I wanted to tell her that 1) she looked stupid for letting that happen, & 2) her friends sucked.

   But I didn’t. And today I know that they were right. It wasn’t any of my business. I shouldn’t have assumed that something needed to be fixed & that I should be the one to do it. My intentions were good but my actions were misguided. Today I approach these types of scenarios with a lot more grace, & much less righteous anger. I have seen much more of life, experienced different people & their various relationships, gone through my own share of shitty/less shitty relationship experiences, & am now a wiser person who better understands the complexity of humans & our relationships with each other. I’m definitely adopting a more “live & let live” state of mind.

I’d love to hear from you!

• Does this post resonate with you in any way? Why or why not?

• How do you approach building boundaries in your life?

• Have you experienced a similar shift in your own thinking or behavior? Share your story!

I have always looked at old pictures of myself and thought “damn I looked so good back then!” knowing full well that while living in the moment, my thoughts were the complete opposite. At that moment, I generally felt ugly and found some flaws in my body/hair/skin that I was desperately trying to hide or hoped to God that no one would notice.

At 45 years old looking back at pictures of my 20s and 30s, I realized that my older self will ALWAYS look back at my younger self more favorably, regardless of how my younger self feels TODAY. So what if I started looking at myself today like my older self would in the future? 🤯 

I’m so excited about this exercise and to a certain extent have already started putting it into practice, but this is going to be an uphill battle as I age, and am fully aware that this will require rigorous daily practice on my part.

Whoo, alright let’s get started shall we?!

White party ready!

I was stunned when I came across this picture. The memories of that night and the thoughts I thought then came rushing back into my brain, and what was shocking was how DIFFERENT my thoughts were from then to now. When I saw this picture today, I went goo-goo eyes over myself thinking how beautiful I looked in my stylish appearance. These thoughts were quickly replaced by the memory of my thoughts then. And it made me sad.

It was 2004 and Superbowl XXXVIII was being hosted in Houston, TX, my hometown. The city was erupting with pre-celebration parties, our regular haunts transforming into glamorous venues seemingly overnight, and new ones surprisingly popping up out of thin air. I lived and worked in Austin, TX then and had spent weeks making party plans with my hometown friends, purchasing new outfits for each event we planned to attend, and just super excited to hang out with my friends and family.

On this night, I was going to P.Diddy’s lavish Superbowl party with two of my girlfriends who I considered to be the epitome of glamour and beauty. Although I LOVED being with them, I remember never feeling beautiful around them because, by comparison, I always fell short - literally and figuratively because they both towered over my 5’0 frame. For this night, I wanted to up my glamour game and took a risk with the dress I chose. Why was it a ‘risky’ choice you ask? Well, I had raging insecurities about my arms (thought they were too big) and my tummy (thought I had a kangaroo pooch) so wearing a body-fitting strapped-tube top dress was very risky for me. But I wore it anyway, deluding my way into feeling pretty.

When I look at these pictures now, I get filled with the excitement from that night and I happily flashback to the laughs I shared with my friends, the music and dancing. It was a glorious night in my memories, and I hope that I felt that way back then as well. But I know too well that even if I did, it was heavily overshadowed by my insecurities about my looks.

Bhangra Queen

I grinned ear to ear when I came across these pictures because the adventure of that night had left luminesce streaks across my soul which now glowed within my body as I recalled those memories.

It was 2001 and I was visiting family & friends in NYC for the weekend. I had planned the visit specifically for that weekend because of Bhangra Basement, a dance party that happened once a month. I’ve always loved the sounds of Punjabi music and the way the beating of the dhol accelerates the beating of my own heart. Being Punjabi has been the most solid part of my identity, and dancing to Bhangra music makes me feel a connection that at times can feel otherwordly. I’d heard about this party from my friend and I was incredibly electric about the possibility of dancing my freakin heart out to Bhangra music in a club with hundreds of other Bhangra lovers, right in the heart of NYC’s club scene (vs. at a Brown wedding event in a party hall somewhere).

On this night, I’d left for the airport directly from work in Austin, TX, having planned to change into my party wear at the airport when I reached EWR. Given the fact that I was going to be changing in an airport bathroom with limited time and that I needed to wear party clothes that would not just be cute but also be breathable enough to withstand my overheating dancing body, I chose a no-nonsense chiffon-bandeau sleeveless top with black capris. A basic enough outfit by any means, but I still remember feeling ugly that night because of the copious amounts of sweat I generated while dancing, which made me feel like a stinking beast. What seems so trivial now but was a huge weight on my mind back then, was the fact that I couldn’t leave my hair down in a cute hairstyle for long because it would get drenched in sweat. I had adopted a hairstyle that I nicknamed “The Slick” (side parted, slicked down hair pulled back in a ponytail) to help with this problem of mine. My mom used to hate that hairstyle and would let me know every time she saw me in it.

Lastly, the dreaded darkness of my armpits. It’s a sore spot amongst the South Asian female population, made worse by living in the Western World surrounded by media that shows white women with smooth, creamy underarms. I recall trying to bleach my underarms with a friend of mine, with the high hopes that our armpits would magically turn into smooth, creamy caramel-colored patches of skin. Of course that didn’t happen.

I laugh now looking at these pictures, remembering the hustle and bustle of leaving work to get to the airport on time, then making the flight and preparing to do a quick change at the destination. I recall how my body released all tension the minute I witnessed the dance floor, letting the dhol beats flood my system. I danced with such abandon that night, instantly becoming friends with strangers through our love for Bhangra. This gets quickly replaced though, by the memories of what I thought when I looked at myself in the club bathroom towards the end of the night, how disgusted I was with myself. Oh, I wish I’d been kinder to my beautiful self then.

Coachella Cuties

My life became 100 times more beautiful after becoming a mother. It was because of the amazing little human I had given birth to, whose very smile made me feel like the most special person in the world. The first time she looked up at me in that hospital room, was the first time I’d felt SEEN as a human being. It was magical. But becoming a mother also amplified my insecurities to unheard-of levels, causing a dizzying spiral of emotions within me for what seems like years.

It was 2017, Aliza was now 6 months old and I felt close to fully recovering from my C-section wound, which already felt like too long of a time based on what I was reading from other women’s experiences - stories about women starting to drive 2 weeks post-surgery, or going to the gym less than a month after their C-sections. Already I felt like a loser in this non-existent race. To help myself feel better, I decided to attend Coachella that year with my family, taking baby girl with me because I was still breastfeeding her.

The decision itself felt so freeing and succeeded in helping me feel more in control of my life, even though standing on my feet for hours at end caused a dull pain to radiate out from my lower abdomen, and my mind was a buzz with all the ways I was being a bad mother to my daughter by dragging her out to the desert and leaving her with a strange woman (nanny) for a few hours a day. On top of that, I was very unhappy with how my body looked. Although my body had looked amazing before and during the pregnancy, the C-section left my stomach looking like I was permanently wearing a skin apron. Given my historic insecurity with my tummy, this sent me over the proverbial edge and I spent that weekend in loose-fitting dresses which honestly looked like mumus.

I look back at pictures from that weekend with bittersweet feelings. I see a woman who has stepped into a momentous chapter in her life and while I’m so very proud of her, I also feel sad remembering the vicious battle that was raging inside her. I wish she had given herself the grace she deserved because she was oh-so beautiful, inside and out.

Filmmaker?! Why yes!

The year was 2023, and I was in LA attending a film screening of my first-ever documentary called #whitehairdontcare. I was on the red carpet getting tips on how to pose for pictures from the funny and kind photographer. Hours before this, I’d flown into town with baby girl, taken her to a birthday party, then made my way through LA traffic to the theater. My tiredness showed through my face, especially because I didn’t have a stitch of makeup on, but I didn’t care one bit. By this point in my life, I had already spent 9 make-up-free months and I felt a sense of freedom unlike I’d felt ever before in my life because this decision came after the mind-blowing one I’d made to stop coloring my aging hair. I had taken another important step towards becoming the woman I actually am and it felt phenomenal.

When I look at this picture now, my thoughts are exactly the same as the ones I was thinking that day - I feel the electricity of excitement running through me, the pride of knowing my hard work is paying off, the joy of having kind and supportive people around me, and feeling so very beautiful in my skin. It’s easy for me to remember these thoughts because it is radiating so blindingly from this picture.

After writing this post, other questions came to my mind that I’d like to include here as well as answers that I think make sense:

1. How can I start seeing myself the way my older self would? What I’ve shown you here is definitely one way but not the only one. Looking through old pictures was a cathartic exercise for me, but there were some instances where the feelings that came up through this work lingered for hours, sometimes days, which at times had a debilitating effect on me. Other, softer, ways to do this could be to just simply THINK about times from your past, see the image of your younger self & practice the “kinder eyes” approach. Adding a journaling component to this would be great for releasing your thoughts & feelings on paper.

2. Does this approach apply only to personal appearance, or are there situations where it would be helpful? I’ve shown the personal appearance example because this newsletter aims to challenge gendered ageism, which is majorly rooted in the appearance of a woman but this exercise is definitely appropriate for other situations. For example, view past relationships (i.e. friends, family, significant others) or situations (i.e. job layoffs, changing homes, starting a family) through today’s eyes & unearth the things that stressed you out or caused you some pain. How did they help you, or not, on your life’s journey? Now apply that to what’s happening in your life now & see if you can gain more clarity on the present by looking at it from a future perspective.

3. How can I deal with the negative emotions that come up when I reflect on past insecurities? As I mentioned, some really strong feelings came up for me during these exercises which at times got hard to push through. It’s important to remember that any work done on the self will be painful & challenging. Approach it only if you are called to it - I truly believe that our inner self will call out when it needs attention & we just need to be able to heed its call - because change only happens when you are ready to make it. If you are not ready to delve deeper into your past hurts, then don’t do it. Definitely approach with caution.

I'd love to hear from you!

• Do you find yourself looking at pictures from your past with kinder eyes?

• How can we start seeing ourselves the way our older selves would?

• How do you deal with the negative emotions that come up when reflecting on past insecurities?

For this post I asked Gemini, Google’s chat-based AI tool, to help me think through something that I’ve wondered about from time to time - is society against the advancement of women and thus using beauty standards to “keep them down”? My sincerest hope is that, of course, there is no broad-scale movement to make the lives of ambitious & self-aware women a living hell but modern media & culture seem to show me otherwise 😔 

Although the pursuit of youthful beauty has long been a universal human desire, the modern beauty industry has played a major role in shaping our ideas about aging and appearance. Here’s a not-so-fun fact - did you know that an industry that primarily sells to women happens to be dominated by men in the boardroom & C-suite executive-level positions? In other words, men are at the forefront of beauty brands, ultimately deciding what is considered “beautiful”.

Below is what Gemini responded with when I asked it to put together a timeline showing anti-aging advertising campaigns in parallel with women's rights movements in the US. I’ve always thought that yes women’s rights/power have definitely increased over time in modern society but not without an opposing force that still finds a way to limit the height that a woman can reach.

It’s truly a fascinating view of history which has provided a thought-provoking starting point for further exploration and discussion for me, and now hopefully for you as well. Enjoy!

A Parallel Timeline: Anti-Aging Ads and Women's Rights in the US

Throughout history, the beauty industry's quest for "eternal youth" has often intersected with the fight for women's rights in the US. Here's a timeline exploring this intriguing interplay:

1910s:

• Women's Suffrage Movement: The fight for women's right to vote gains momentum, with Alice Paul leading hunger strikes and protests.

• Anti-Aging Creams Emerge: Pond's Cold Cream and Woodbury's Facial Soap market themselves as essential tools for a youthful appearance.

1920s:

• Flappers & Bobbed Hair: Women embrace a new era of freedom and self-expression, defying traditional beauty norms with shorter hair and daring fashion.

• The Rise of Makeup: Max Factor creates stage makeup for Hollywood stars, later making it available to the public, influencing everyday beauty routines.

1930s:

• Great Depression: Women face economic hardship and increased responsibilities, but also gain opportunities in traditionally male-dominated fields.

• Focus on Youthful Skin: Ads for Pond's and Woodbury's emphasize the importance of maintaining a youthful appearance for career success and attracting partners.

1960s:

• Second Wave Feminism: The fight for equal rights expands to include workplace discrimination, reproductive rights, and ending domestic violence.

• "The Feminine Mystique" & Natural Beauty: Betty Friedan's book challenges societal expectations that confine women to domestic roles, and a natural beauty movement emerges.

1970s:

• Equal Pay, Title IX: Women fight for equal pay and opportunities in education and sports, challenging gender stereotypes and discrimination.

• Anti-Aging Anxiety: Ads shift focus from wrinkles to lines and "age spots," capitalizing on women's anxieties about aging and linking it to declining attractiveness and value.

1980s:

• Power Dressing & Working Women: Women embrace bold fashion and makeup to project confidence and competence in the workplace.

• The Science of Anti-Aging: Cosmetic companies leverage scientific advancements to introduce anti-aging creams with retinol and collagen, emphasizing a more "scientific" approach to beauty.

  

1990s & 2000s:

• Body Positivity & Diversity: Movements advocating for body acceptance and celebrating diverse beauty standards gain traction, challenging the narrow definition of beauty promoted by the media.

• Botox & Fillers: Injectable procedures become increasingly popular as a less invasive approach to anti-aging, raising concerns about unrealistic beauty standards and potential health risks.

2010s & Present:

• #MeToo & Inclusivity: Movements against sexual harassment and discrimination highlight the importance of women's voices and experiences, leading to calls for greater diversity and representation in the beauty industry.

• Holistic Wellness & Inner Beauty: A growing focus on self-care, mental health, and healthy aging emphasizes inner beauty and holistic approaches to well-being.

Throughout this timeline, we see a complex interplay between societal expectations of women's appearances and their fight for equality and self-determination. While the beauty industry often perpetuates narrow beauty standards and age-related anxieties, women's rights movements have consistently challenged these norms and advocated for diverse representations of beauty and well-being.

It's important to note that this is just a snapshot of a complex and multifaceted issue. The relationship between anti-aging advertising and women's rights continues to evolve, and there are many nuanced perspectives and experiences to consider.

So, what do you think? Is modern society out to keep women from reaching their true potential or am I conflating 2 very different phenomena?

I’d love to hear from you so leave some thoughts and join the conversation now!

Welcome to the #whitehairdontcare newsletter! I’m so glad you’re here!

Before I get into what you can expect from this newsletter, let me first give you the origin story because everything gets better when you understand the “why” behind the “what”, right?

Since March of 2022, I’ve been growing out my white hair & it's been a pretty positive experience for me. I have become happier in my hair (& skin), more confident in my being, & more hopeful about life in general. This has partly been helped along by me receiving loads of compliments on my effort and/or hair, from acquaintances & complete strangers. Then I started wondering, "Wow, if this has been a great experience for ME so far, surely it could be for other women as well?"

I was also curious to see how the younger generation felt about aging, given they are growing up in an incredibly accessible era, where folks can change their entire appearance with manageable effort. So I decided to meet them where they were for the most candid conversations, & that led me to TikTok. I hosted a 100-day focus group of sorts on TikTok, to see firsthand how the younger generation, & just folks in general, perceived aging. More specifically, I wanted to see what the reactions would be to seeing a woman with aging hair. So I decided to post images & videos of myself speaking about aging hair while showcasing my own salt & pepper goodness, once a day for 100 days straight.

Key Stats From My 100-Day Project on TikTok:

• Garnered 1.2M video views in total

• Received 7K+ comments across all of my posts

• Gained 5.2K followers

• Averaged a 5.3% engagement rate ("good" is considered to be 4% - 18%)

• Was asked to do an influencer collab with a shopping app brand

It was a pretty fantastic journey (I have now experienced going viral on TikTok!) & I learned quite a lot about people's thoughts on aging & women with aging hair (or aging anything). I enjoyed hearing other women's positive experiences with their aging hair. In these (very few) cases, it was almost always because they had seen examples of healthy/happy aging around them, with stories about how they grew up seeing their mother embracing her white hair, or older sisters who had stopped coloring their hair.

Stories like these made me want to spread this message far & wide; that in this day & age where we have the most power when it comes to the choices we make for ourselves, why not choose differently? Why not choose to accept our natural aging process vs. trying to hide it? Aside from the personal benefits that I believe a woman can get from unburdening herself from worrying about the color of her roots, our younger generation would benefit from seeing older people accepting & celebrating the aging process.

This desire is what led me to my next project, the #whitehairdontcare microdocumentary, an award-winning film that looks into how a very personal decision a woman makes to accept her own aging process can cause ripples in the world around her, pressuring her to follow a set of societal standards that don’t really benefit her. It’s a small glimpse into the unfortunate reality of so many women who don't want to fit the mold society has made based on physically and mentally unhealthy beauty standards.

This was an idea that had passed through my mind a few months after I had started my TikTok focus group, around the time that I was pitching this work for a TEDx event in Washington DC. I thought it silly at the time because I knew nothing about filmmaking and it seemed like a really far-fetched idea so I dismissed it as quickly as it had appeared. It was only after I wasn’t selected to be a speaker at the TEDx event (I made it as a runner-up!) that I started to seriously entertain the thought of making the documentary using the learnings from my TikTok work.

It took me a few months to learn my way around film-making things like which camera to use, how to use the million features in said camera, perfecting audio & video editing, and then finally making the film without spending too much time or money on the process. As an incentive (and setting a necessary goal post) I’d given myself a deadline for completion based on the application deadline for the San Francisco International Film Festival (SFIFF). I figured it was the logical next step after making the film - submit to as many film festivals as I could, though I had very low expectations of actually getting selected by any.

Fast forward to today - my film has been screened in 2 theaters, won 3 awards, selected by 8 film festivals, and waiting to hear back from 14 others!! This is the clearest signal I’ve ever received that I’m definitely onto something 😂😂 

Which brings me to this newsletter. The number of conversations that have been started by my pro-aging work on TikTok, and the #whitehairdontcare documentary has inspired me to create a space where I can continue sharing my perspective on this topic while also inviting you and others to share yours as well. My intention is to create a community where we can help each other feel a little more comfortable about this inevitable part of life that nonetheless, sometimes makes us fearful of actually living life.

With that said, you can expect to see my words come across your inbox on Wednesdays, every week. It would be awesome if you read what I have to say, and share your thoughts with me as well 🙏🏽